Is he hiding his hurt?

[k0ukla1995]

Hi all, I recently posted about a breakup from a man with whom I had a very "toxic" relationship. There was mutual distrust and dishonesty, etc. In the end, I displayed more hurt than he did and it has left me feeling very confused, and, more hurt. He told me he wanted to remain friends, basically telling me I could reach out to him whenever I wanted and even was interesting in still seeing me. He had something of mine that I wanted to retrieve and told me he was going to let me know when he was free so we could meet up but he never texted me. Basically, if our "friendship" was to continue, I'd be the one initiating. During our relationship, though, he did most of the pursuing and he was the one who initially wanted a romantic relationship with me. He even mentioned marrying me once and I was the one who was opposed to the idea. So, why now is it so "easy" for him to move on? I haven't gotten any drunk texts, calls, "I miss yous" out of nowhere. But, I've sent him a few of those. As I said, he was supposed to reach out to me so I could get my belongings from him but never did and I feel foolish initiating all contact with him so I don't want to do it. It's been almost a week since we last spoke and It's been complete silence.

Is he suffering in silence or has he totally moved on? I am missing him a lot although I can admit now I'd probably be better off without him, I just want to know that he still cares at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did you two break up?

People's feelings can and do change sometimes. He simply might have wanted this break-up to happen, so he is okay with not being in touch. Not all exes send the sentimental texts you're longing for; I don't believe I have done so once when I've been the dumper. I knew it wouldn't have been sincere, (I didn't want the relationship to continue, so I didn't have overwhelmingly nostalgic moments after it was over) and it wouldn't have been fair to the exes. 

If it was toxic, you are best to let go completely. It obviously wasn't working and it's very unlikely to come back together and stay back together. Are the belongings that he has very important? 

[Silver_star]

When I went through my break up my ex seemed indifferent over text (not telling me he missed me, not seeming sad, and being overly casual in his tone). He never drunk texted, or phoned me, and he never came running back to me. I took it as him not caring at all about me and maybe never even caring about me at all because he didn't seem to be experiencing things the way I was experiencing them. I called him out on that during one dramatic healing episode of mine (via text message) ...I said he didn't care that I was not in his life anymore while I was the one hurting, and He said that he was not indifferent at all, but he said "what good will telling you how much I miss you do? It will only make things harder". He was always very rational and private person and I think he was dealing with the break up in his own way, and keeping his emotions to himself. Which is his right to do, we were no longer together and we both knew the reasons why. 

So yeah, I think he is trying to make things easier on you and himself by not expressing emotions that have no where to go. He knows it is over, and that you are better off (especially if you have hurt one another in the past) and he is trying to make a cleaner break. 

 

[preraph]

Not everyone has the capacity for real deep feelings. and I hate to say it but usually when a guy mentions being friends after a breakup, he's usually talking about he would still be amenable to sex, not actually being friends with you and listening all about your new boyfriend's. 

 

You know your relationship was toxic, so why are you still stewing over this? your goal should be to stop caring what he's thinking now that you're no longer together. 

 

And since you're still groveling, what possible motivation does he have to show you any feelings or make any effort? Rest assured he is enjoying this because it validates however he is, which you say is toxic. so all you're doing is telling him he still lovable even though he's completely toxic and no matter how bad the behavior.

Edited February 12, 2020 by preraph

[TeddyBundy1993]

He can be hurting in silence. Depends on how he was involved in the relationship. Facts that he said he wanted to see you still means he was involved. He just don't wanna show maybe. The real issue is if you both are done with the relationship just take a long gap if you wanna be friends again. Otherwise this game of who moved on fast will continue and you'll be wondering for a long time. Sometimes people mentally detach themselves much before they break up. So they appear not bothered much after they break up and we questions ourselves that how did they moved on so fast. Or did the relationship meant nothing for them. I was questioning myself the same way 4 months ago. I understand your feelings really well. You dont need to stop wondering about him now. It's about you now. So protect your feelings that's the best

You'll miss him for a while. Its very much natural taking a gap for communicating before friendship is must. You need to used to be happy without him only then you'll be able to in real friendship with him.