Potential break-up

[Indigo567]

Hello!

I am a 28F and my bf is 28M. We have been in a long distance relationship for 4 years (across the country). When we get along, we get along great. But when we don't, it's extremely painful and involves bad arguments, usually over a messenging app which doesn't help matters imo. We see each other in person every 3-4 months. He does not enjoy talking on the phone especially when work is busy and I see talking on the phone as an integral part of an LDR relationship.

I used to want to talk on the phone for about an hr everytime we talked and he told me that it's too much. So we have cut down significantly on how long we talk on the phone for (maybe an hr on a weekend but on a weekday, we try to keep it under 15-30 min and we not talk everyday). 

Over time, I am becoming my own person more and my bf has a very dominant personality at baseline. I am realizing more and more how much of myself I have been neglecting in order to make my bf happier. I am speaking up more these days when he talks to me disrespectfully and I more strongly express what I want (we're usally used to doing and following what he wants). He also tends to say many hurtful things (throughout our relationship) in the moment which he 90% of the time apologizes for later. Me speaking up more and expressing my needs and wants has caused more conflict in our relationship.

Now I am questioning our relationship and whether we are truly happy at all. I feel like I have to supress so much of what makes me happy in a relationship to keep the peace. But i also wonder if the problem is me and if I will have this issue with every other guy I date in the future and if I should try to work things out with my bf. This is my first relationship. Overall, hes a kind person, knows everything about me and has been there for me when no one else has during some seriously tough moments. 

Edited February 12, 2020 by Indigo567

[ExpatInItaly]

4 years of long-distance is a long time. Are there any plans to close the distance in the foreseeable future?

It sounds to me like there are some significant incompatibilities between you two and as time goes on, it's becoming more obvious to you that you and he are quite different people. This stood out to me in particular: "I feel like I have to supress so much of what makes me happy in a relationship to keep the peace." Can you elaborate on that? What sort of things do you feel you're suppressing? 

[scooby-philly]

OP,

I feel for your pain. I'm almost 6 months out of a 2yr long LDR with someone who I thought I was going to marry one day - so I feel your pain. Going to slice your post to highlight some things I think are key.

 

We have been in a long distance relationship for 4 years (across the country).

• Any LDR is tough. But 4 years? Especially if you're not close enough to see each other regularly, then by a year or two max there has to be a plan in place as to when and how to cut that gap down. 

When we get along, we get along great. But when we don't, it's extremely painful and involves bad arguments, usually over a messenging app which doesn't help matters imo.

• I learned the hard way not to use texting and IM during a LDR. And when I do, I would use emojis a lot to make sure the tone of my messages came across the way I intended, not the way someone else wanted to interpret it.
• See my point below about quality time and communication. You may have differing communication styles, but for sure, you have different communication needs.

He does not enjoy talking on the phone especially when work is busy and I see talking on the phone as an integral part of an LDR relationship.

• Talking, or communicating, is an integral part of any relationship. And you're spot on - for a LDR, it's even more important!
• Perhaps your BF has a different view on relationships. Leaving aside any potential attachment style differences or personality flaws, or even more problematic emotional issues, people can be healthy and quasi "normal" and not view relationships the same way. Or more importantly, "quality time" together means something different. Personally, I do need a bit of space, but generally speaking I'm not the type of guy looking for a woman to simply plug into the empty holes in my calendar or to simply have a "gf" on paper. When I'm dating I want my woman to be my best friend. Doesn't mean we spend 24 hours a day together, but if we're not spending significant amount of time together, I don't think that would satisfy my personality and my wants/needs

Over time, I am becoming my own person more and my bf has a very dominant personality at baseline.

• You're 28. Not everyone opens up at 18, 22, or 25. You may be a "later bloomer" - and this is impacting the relationship because you're changing and he's either set in his personality or unlikely to change. Everyone changes over time...but a healthy, loving, and supportive couple always has firm roots that allow each person to grow and yet keep them together. 
• Have you tried (when you're together in person) talking about things? Now, if he was smart and empathetic he would know what was going on, but sometimes even empathetic people can miss out on things - however it sounds like you're arguing a lot so he should be picking up on it. However, you own 50% of the relationship. If you're not communicating (not saying you aren't) then you need to start and make it abundantly clear to him the seriousness of the conversation. If you are and you've been clear on the ramifications (no threats, no ransom) then you need to reevaluate things.

I am realizing more and more how much of myself I have been neglecting in order to make my bf happier.

• To me, this is the crux of your post. You have to be 100% yourself and 100% comfortable and 100% vulnerable to make a relationship work for decades. You may have suppressed your wants and needs in order to win his love and affection and/or make the relationship work. That's not healthy and it's also not fair to him in the sense that he could be in love with a totally fictitious person. It's on you to try and help him understand things, but if you do that and he can't adjust, then it's not meant to be. To give you a specific example from my own past relationship, my most recent ex was two-hours away. I'm 38 and she's 24. We met through a mutual friend who thought we were a little closer in age, but who thought we would be awesome together. Unfortunately, her family didn't want her dating until she completed all of her studies. Therefore, she had little to no real dating experience before meeting me two+ years ago. Additionally, her mom possesses a shamed-based personality and the family tolerates her behavior, her obsession with money, and her craziness by ignoring it. Her and her sister jokingly refer to her as the "Kraken". On top of that, because of those dynamics and her low self-esteem, she was very uncomfortable with her body, with her socioeconomic status, and had developed a "good girl" defense mechanism for the world and was not comfortable being herself. And because of her isolation she was very shy at trying new things. Now, I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm a good man. I made our schedules work, I tried to make things so easy for her, and I also did not pursue a lot of my hobbies and interests for the two years together in order to spend time with her. At the time I though the sacrifice was worth the "long-term" pay-out. But I failed to realize that in the long-run she wasn't really ever going to be interested in some of the essential stuff I love and want a partner for - camping, travel, outdoor activities, etc., and I let the relationship go on even though she was not open with me and also not able to express her own wants and needs. As a few friends on here pointed out to me in my recovery - I also "conditioned her" and set the terms of how she could treat me. Because she felt trapped at home and couldn't rebel, she threatened me with abandonment several times and also would act like an immature brat at other times. Had I put my foot down early on, the relationship would not have lasted because eventually, no matter what she promised to do, when something happened her default mode was to flee and run out of concern for getting hurt and because she has a anxious attachment style. So in your case, you may have conditioned your ex, or "set the ground rules" for how he can treat you without you realizing it. And that goes to your point below about him saying hurtful things. Why would you tolerate that? What are you getting out of this relationship that would make you put up with anything less than normal, healthy, and loving behavior. I would like to know a bit more about your dating past and upbringing because maybe you have a "savior" or "rescuer" issues. You could be (this is a guess, and I could be 100% wrong) putting up with stuff unconsciously hoping for him to change and unconsciously thinking given enough time and enough love from you he will "come around" and one day you'll wake up and he'll be different. 

I am speaking up more these days when he talks to me disrespectfully and I more strongly express what I want (we're usally used to doing and following what he wants). He also tends to say many hurtful things (throughout our relationship) in the moment which he 90% of the time apologizes for later. Me speaking up more and expressing my needs and wants has caused more conflict in our relationship.

• As I mentioned above, loving, caring, and normal people don't insult their SO's. And the tension is most likely with you changing the "rules" that you unconsciously set in the first few months and that he's integrated and playing the game by. Couples can change the rules, but it sounds like either he doesn't get it or he doesn't care. 

Now I am questioning our relationship and whether we are truly happy at all.

• You need to be happy first. A partner is meant to share in and add to your happiness and vice versa. As a couple, you're only as "happy" as you are as individuals.

I feel like I have to supress so much of what makes me happy in a relationship to keep the peace. But i also wonder if the problem is me and if I will have this issue with every other guy I date in the future and if I should try to work things out with my bf. This is my first relationship. Overall, hes a kind person, knows everything about me and has been there for me when no one else has during some seriously tough moments. 

• Given this is your first real relationship, and given that he's been there for you (is it safe to assume you don't have a caring family and/or group of friends to lean on?)...then you're probably hoping this situation will change because you don't want to face the truth nor face the cold hard reality of singlehood. 
• The problem is you. And it's not you. You didn't do anything "wrong" in the moral sense of that word. You're coming out of your shell most likely and learning about yourself. While it's caused some pain and frustration now, imagine what the relationship will be like in 5 years if you continue down this path.
• Now....95 times out of 100 I don't advocate one way or another on these forums about the future or at least not coming down heavy handed. It's an anonymous online forum and we're only hearing what you share and only hearing your take on things. So....I'm not going to say this situation can't be fixed. But...I can understand your situation and relate to it very well. To save yourself more heartache and a longer period of either problems in the relationship or delaying the end of the relationship, you need to have a serious discussion with the BF NOW! And you need to find a friend or two (family counts) that you can trust and open up to - could be someone from your place of worship, a former teacher, a co-worker, etc. or make a good friend or two on a site like this and you need to share all, dig deep, throw any shame out the window and figure this out. If you truly care for him and want him to be happy he deserves and most importantly, you deserve to either have a new, fresh start in the relationship (including a firm plan to make it NOT an LDR) or a new fresh start.

Hope some of this helps.

[Mrin]

OP: It is hard to improve on what @scooby-philly said. Good stuff right there. The only thing I'd add is regarding changing yourself to suit the relationship. This is a really slippery slope. I mean, on the one hand we all want to be in a relationship with someone else that fundamentally changes who we are for the better. Right? Like the relationship helps us evolve into a better person - a higher self. And vice versa. I mean, it would suck if both people in a relationship were these static people. Or that they are two totally independent people growing and evolving without any reflection of the other or of the relationship. 

That being said, it can be really difficult to detect when you are growing as a result of the other person or diminishing as a result. And, it can be both. Take my ex for example. I grew tremendously because of her. Like lightyears. But... at the end and perhaps throughout a good portion of it I was also diminishing myself to better suit her. I was aware of it but chalked it up to being a good thing. And some of it was - I certainly became more aware and deliberate in my words. But it wasn't until recently that my girls commented that was a different person around her. That I was suppressing some really good qualities because of her. What's odd is that if I had told her about what I was suppressing she probably would have said "don't suppress that, I like that". Yet I did it anyhow in the name of preserving peace in the relationship. 

Anyhow, as you wrestle with everything that's going on, it might be helpful to take an inventory of the changes you've made in the last four years and categorize them as either growth or diminish. 

Hope this helps!

 

Mrin

[scooby-philly]

@Mrin - Thanks for the compliment!

 

OP - To take what mrin said...I agree with them 100% People always change. The question for a couple is are they changing for the better or worse | are they changing because they're becoming themselves when they weren't previously or is who they are changing | and do they have enough mutuality, love, intimacy, compatibility, and the like to support and love each other.  Plus, good communication skills. 

Think of it this way - think of the stories you here of people waking up after 10, 20, or more years of marriage and saying to their partner "I'm leaving because I'm gay". I'm not judging them. I'm simply saying - that's a sign where the one person was essentially either hiding themselves or hiding from themselves. There's nothing either party can do in that case to fix the relationship. Or people who wake up one day and finally leave an abuser (and it does happen that men can be abused too (usually emotionally)). Those are dark/drastic examples - but they elaborate the point clearly.

From what you shared about yourself, your story, and your relationship's dynamics, it sounds like the relationship may not be saved. Again, I don't advocate on here much for people ending things as all we hear is one sided and we only get what you share and your perspective and take on things. BUT...if what you shared is true and accurate (not saying you intentionally lied  ) then you may still be really figuring yourself out and you maybe putting a lot of effort to maintain this relationship because of some subconscious need or fear. But...that's something you have to chat with people who know and love you about and you need to dig deep with your boyfriend to see if he's willing to change WITH you. 

To add a little more context to my story as an example....yeah - okay - I realize my recent ex was a lot younger than me. Any other commentators - I don't care - I didn't have a problem with it. At first, I thought she was mature. She doesn't party, she doesn't drink, she's smart, and she (i thought) was kind. Now....in retrospect I can see that she doesn't drink or party because she has no real friends because her parents don't let her have a social life and because she's not comfortable be open, real, and transparent with people. She's quick to talk crap on people and she's got a high opinion of herself - based mostly on her growing up in a semi-rough area, but mostly because she was the "smart girl" from k-12 in very urban catholic schools and she went to a small and backwater university so she's very harsh on others and judgmental to as a self-defense mechanism. She could hardly ever accept when she was wrong and no matter how hard I tried to provide feedback or when we fought I'd focus like a laser on her BEHAVIOR and how it made me feel, she would take it as a personal attack and her shame would trigger. Now...I mention that to give you a picture of her. For me...I was totally myself, totally open, totally vulnerable in the relationship...but as I'm older I should not have put up with the anxious attachment style, the threats of abandonment, and the arguing over stuff that healthy couples can discuss and resolve like adults. So I had to hide a lot of my sarcasm to avoid starting a fight or argument. I had to make so many choices because she wasn't comfortable making choices or speaking her wants and needs so when I did want to do something on a particular day I'd feel bad or if I wanted her to take the lead she couldn't and wouldn't....then I'd feel like I was dating a 14 yr old. But I can see from her perspective....I was too mature and too comfortable with myself for her right now. She fled because she couldn't ever imagine telling her parents about me and because she needed to figure herself out and because she's treated like kid at home, the pressure of work and school - she had no grit and the "relationship" became a burden to her. I'm just glad I didn't foolishly move and quit my job for her. Because in the long run, nothing I did would have changed the fact that she needed to grow up.

 

Now...sorry for that because I realize that may not be the best example...so...rather than deleting...let me go back to my first LTR. Was engaged years ago. Was my first significant relationship. To make a long story short - I had to suppress a lot of my personality. From the level of affection I like to give, to how I kiss, to the frequency and details of sex, to my silly and goofy side, and more. But I didn't know any better. I was younger and inexperienced. But...everything happens for a reason. Not saying that to make light of your situation or your feelings....but in reality - ask yourself one question - are you truly able to be yourself in the relationship? Are you truly inspired to become a better person? Or do you think you deserve better?