Ruminating and how to stop

[Silver_star]

Lately I have been ruminating on my last relationship with my ex. Maybe it is because it is getting closer to Valentines Day I don't know, but the frequency of my thoughts about him is increasing. Some days are better than others and I notice an improvement in how I have been dealing with my breakup compared to where I was 8 months ago when we had just broken up.

I am still ruminating though, especially in the morning on my drive to work and then again at times throughout the day...It starts off with a memory of our time together, something nice that I enjoyed about him and our time together, or some good quality that he had...and then I am reminded that there is little to no hope of us ever reuniting and I am sad, and then I remember the problems we had to try to make myself feel better...the problems were mostly about him not wanting a deeper commitment at this time in his life and maybe ever because of his own issues he said, and although I am glad I am not stuck in that limbo I still feel bad about myself for not being enough for him, and then I feel defeated most of the day. It has shaken my confidence quite a bit and makes me wonder why not me? 

How do you deal with repetitive thoughts and ruminating about an ex?

[carhill]

Been awhile but had plenty of experience as a younger man and husband..... MC taught me tools to experience the emotions fully, without trying to minimize, qualify, rationalize, etc, and with the confidence that they would pass and my mind would move on to something else. IME since getting divorced, it works great, with all kinds of life experiences. Fear, anger, sorrow, you name it. Often what impelled the emotion, usually that 'rumination', is forgotten entirely. If a future reminder pops up, say in your case like a contact with/thoughts of/reminder of an ex, the process repeats and life goes on. Pretty soon, with enough iterations, it's 'whatever' and on to more important and fulfilling things in life.

[scooby-philly]

2 hours ago, Silver_star said:

Lately I have been ruminating on my last relationship with my ex. Maybe it is because it is getting closer to Valentines Day I don't know, but the frequency of my thoughts about him is increasing. Some days are better than others and I notice an improvement in how I have been dealing with my breakup compared to where I was 8 months ago when we had just broken up.

I am still ruminating though, especially in the morning on my drive to work and then again at times throughout the day...It starts off with a memory of our time together, something nice that I enjoyed about him and our time together, or some good quality that he had...and then I am reminded that there is little to no hope of us ever reuniting and I am sad, and then I remember the problems we had to try to make myself feel better...the problems were mostly about him not wanting a deeper commitment at this time in his life and maybe ever because of his own issues he said, and although I am glad I am not stuck in that limbo I still feel bad about myself for not being enough for him, and then I feel defeated most of the day. It has shaken my confidence quite a bit and makes me wonder why not me? 

How do you deal with repetitive thoughts and ruminating about an ex?

OP,

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I highlighted a couple of important things from your post.

 

• Certain things will trigger relapses. It doesn't mean you haven't made progress. It simply means you're not 100% healed and that your body/mind still needs to cleanse itself a bit of the memories, feelings, attachment. Surprised you didn't note any better/worse feelings for the holidays since they were so recent. But I can imagine VDay being hard for people. I'm only 5.5 months out of a heartbreaking split and despite my ups and downs...I'm not worried about that day at all.
• You already know you're making progress - so don't let any temporary setbacks derail you or drag you down.
• You already know certain things that will trigger you. Maybe change up your morning drive - blast music, listen to a podcast, change routes, etc. But...don't try to bury the emotions or ignore them. When they come, own them, honor them, and listen to them.
• You are stuck where I was stuck for a while - "why?". You can't blame yourself. You can change anyone. If you were the best woman and gf you could be and you gave him an opportunity to build a life with you and he rejected it, as much as it stings and hurts - that's on him. Not sure how old you are or how long you two were together, but even if it was a long while and you're older - don't view it as a "waste of time". You probably had some good memories - cherish them. And just learn to be quicker and clearer on who you are, what you want, and what's important to you. 
• I hit a wall last month over MLK weekend. I had journaled a bit back in September to early November as soon as the split happened, but stopped, While I've hit two more walls since last month...almost every day I journal. And I just do it online. @Beachead gave me some great advice and I turned it into 5 things - list out 1. Your qualities 2. Your accomplishments 3. Your goals 4. The qualities you want in a partner 5. why things wouldn't work out with your ex. Do that every day. Do that multiple times a day when/if you need to. I just type an email out and email it to myself and store them in a folder. Easy access for when I spiral.
• Also - keep reading, exploring. Just the other day I cam across something that I think finally, will help my inner child let my ex go and focus on the future! But trust me, it's not been easy. He wants to know why he wasn't good enough either! So give your inner girl some love, talk to her, and keep talking and sharing!

[Minneloa]

Hi Silver star,

I am sorry that you are struggling. For context, are you still in contact with your ex? Do you have them on social media? I ask because “new material,” e.g., a text conversation or a social media update, can keep our brains engaged with an ex after the break up and may serve as triggers for rumination.

In terms of your drive to work, can you create a distraction for yourself? A podcast or a new radio station? Can you take a different route? Sometimes new habits can jolt us out of mental ruts/patterns.

One other idea is to consciously intervene in your thoughts when they start to drift into rumination, by either saying “Stop!” (in your head) or shifting your environment/physical state in some way (take a walk around the office, make a cup of coffee, watch a silly video).

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[Silver_star]

Thanks @scooby-philly for your great thoughts and advice.

@Minneloa I am not in contact with my ex anymore. I didnt have any contact with him over the holidays (Christmas and New Years) and that was tough. A week into the new year there was an incident that occurred that I thought might have effected him and I reached out to check out if he was alright. I asked myself if I was making an excuse to contact him (as I was tempted to during the holidays) but I felt in my heart that I wasnt and that I really needed to show my support either way. Turns out he was fine, and we had a short dialogue that was friendly but distant, because he lives so far away now. The conversation did not get too personal. He asked about how I was doing, and mostly work related stuff. I didn't pry for any information about his relationships there although I am curious, I have no way of knowing since I am not connected to him on social media and he doesn't post anything anyways. Our last conversation just ended abruptly after one of his messages did not really have anything to respond back to. It's been over 30 days since that conversation, and I have no intentions to reach out again. Prior to that reach out I had gone nearly 90 days without texting him/messaging him.

I unfollowed him on Social Media back in October, but he still follows me on instagram and I can see that he will watch my stories when I post which is maybe once a week. I have considered removing him or muting my stories so he can't see them, but I think that is drastic. 

Thank you for your tips on intervening on my thoughts @Minneloa I will give that a try.

 

 

[nolanola]

@Silver_star, greetings from a fellow ruminator! I too have spent a lot of time going over and over and over things about my ex. Not only that, but the breakup, what he said, what he didn't say, and on and on. I agree with what someone else said upthread. When you break up with someone, at first you keep them in your life in some ways (maybe you talk from time to time or you look at their Facebook or try to run into them or whatever). Then, after a while you decide to go NC and you don't see or speak to them anymore. This is really tough and to fill that space we often resort to thinking about them or about things about the relationship. It's a way of holding onto a small thread of what you had with that person and denying that the relationship you had with them is over. It is especially difficult when there isn't something there to take the place of the energy you spend on them, like dating or even just having a crush on someone new. I completely relate. I still ruminate and it's been over a year, but I do it a lot less. 

One thing that has helped me a lot is time. Another thing that has helped me a lot is seeing things with my ex as they really were and not as I wanted to be. I had him on such a huge pedestal that I couldn't see him as anything other than some amazing guy that I screwed up and lost. My ruminations were adding to that, because sometimes I would give in and let myself reminisce about good times we shared or times he made me feel beautiful. Once I was able to take him down on the pedestal, it got easier. When I started looking at the things he had done, the way I felt at many other times (Sure he made me feel beautiful, but he also made me feel so much doubt about how he felt at other times), I stopped thinking he was so great. And that helped a lot. 

And personally, I don't think anything is too drastic if it means your sanity and your healing. If it means cutting him off altogether, so that you can (eventually) make space in your head for something else. My previous ex, which was by far THE WORST breakup I've ever gone through, lived in my head for years. Once I totally and ruthlessly cut him out of my life (deleted his phone number, got rid of his pictures, eliminated any way I would run into him, etc) it hurt so bad for a long time. But eventually I noticed I wasn't thinking about him as much and then I realized I didn't want him anymore.