How do you know if you love someone?

[Logo]

Perhaps it’s the traumatic experience with an ex that left me confused or maybe I’m just confused now. 
 

But how do you know if or when you love someone? How do you know if when you say I love you, you’re being honest? 
 

I know it’s just a feeling and I know some of you will say you just know.  Some will even say that you like the way that person bats her eye lashes or the way she walks. But how do you know? How can you tell the difference between knowing that you love someone or if you’re just lonely? How do you know? 

[Foxhall]

I suppose if you are happy to spend hours in her company and enjoy it as opposed to feeling it a strain, you could say you are in love,

if you look at her and think wow I love the way she looks, I am really happy and no where else you want to be,

the danger is perhaps the love could fade quite quickly if you are taken out of your comfort zone, such as a sudden request to invest 40,000 in a restaurant venture, hmmn is the person feeling the love as much then,

perhaps that lends itself to a question of my own- is love fleeting and transient or can it be sustained.

[SumGuy]

You know the feeling when you have it...forget analysis, look to art...

"When you love someone, when you love someone
It feels so right, so warm and true,..."

....

"It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on Earth with you
Tell me all the things you wanna do..."

......

"Oh hello,
Will you be mine?
I haven't felt this alive in a long time
All the streets are warm and grey

I read the signs
I haven't been this in love in a long time
The sun is up the sun will stay
All for the new day

Will you be mine?
The days are short and I wrote me my last rhyme
All the streets are warm today
I read the signs
I haven't been in this love in a long time."

 

now whether it is dysfunctional is another story...and song

"Now I'll relate this a little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
She's drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb
But I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem"

[Miss Spider]

To me ‘love’ is just extreme like and shouldn’t really be rationalized too much beyond that or you’ll start to question it. Or maybe I just haven’t actually felt it, which is entirely possible 

Edited February 13, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Love is when you choose to make the person's life more convenient... But you cannot do that without focusing on making your own life as convenient as possible first... You have to love yourself before you can ever love somebody else.

[carhill]

On 2/12/2020 at 2:45 PM, Logo said:

Some will even say that you like the way that person bats her eye lashes or the way she walks. But how do you know? How can you tell the difference between knowing that you love someone or if you’re just lonely? How do you know? 

I've been alone a lot in life but rarely lonely. Blessing of being an only child perhaps. If referring to romantic love, she's on my mind when not around, her health and happiness matter to me, I can smell her even while alone, I see other women but they don't register as normal for my sexual preference. I only have eyes for her. I feel like a bit of me is missing when we're not together. Such has happened rarely and I'm pretty long in the tooth now so I don't expect it to happen again. Good memories though 👍

[healing light]

I agree with Carhill-- I think love is when you think about that person when they're not around, their well-being and happiness are a priority to you, you're excited and light up when you see them, you can't just "turn off" the feelings, they're your favorite company, their presence is important in your future plans, etc. Apparently, I tend to get a smile on my face when I receive texts from people I'm in love with that is a dead give away to those around me who I'm talking to regardless of not really doing it consciously.

[chillii]

You will just feel it , it's over powering , no matter how you fight it off protecting yourself , one day you just can't anymore because you just do. So if you don't just feel things like that sooner or later ,  it's not love.

[mark clemson]

If you genuinely wanted her/him and no other and felt (probably unrealistically) like you genuinely wanted only them for the rest of your life and also what's best for them (in a somewhat naive and idealistic way), then you were probably in love at that time. Of course for most of us that level of intensity doesn't necessarily continue, but at the time it was probably love.

If you have limerence for a person, you will probably indeed feel that you love them and "must be meant to be together" at some deep, soul-wrenching, and addictive level. Even if it's completely not true. Some would consider that love. You're certainly unlikely to ever forget someone you had limerence for.

If, after decades together, you are genuinely content with her/him and have no desire to change the situation, happy to spend your life together even though "the fires have faded" quite a bit, that is probably love as well of a somewhat different sort.

Those are three possibilities. There are others I don't doubt...

Edited February 14, 2020 by mark clemson

[K.K.]

40 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

1 . If you genuinely wanted her/him and no other and felt (probably unrealistically) like you genuinely wanted only them for the rest of your life and also what's best for them (in a somewhat naive and idealistic way), then you were probably in love at that time. Of course for most of us that level of intensity doesn't necessarily continue, but at the time it was probably love.

2 . If you have limerence for a person, you will probably indeed feel that you love them and "must be meant to be together" at some deep, soul-wrenching, and addictive level. Even if it's completely not true. Some would consider that love. You're certainly unlikely to ever forget someone you had limerence for.

3 . If, after decades together, you are genuinely content with her/him and have no desire to change the situation, happy to spend your life together even though "the fires have faded" quite a bit, that is probably love as well of a somewhat different sort.

Those are three possibilities. There are others I don't doubt...

Which of the three do you think is the most fulfilling? Is it the ‘healthy’ love or is it the one that makes your blood pump in an alarming fashion ? 

 

 

[mark clemson]

For a medium term R that ultimately ends probably #1. "It's better to have loved and lost... "

For a lifetime, probably it hitting #3 would make it the most meaningful.

Limerence tends to be associated with distance and/or problematic relationships, so despite the truly intense highs and lows the person feels, the relationship itself probably wasn't that fulfilling or particularly healthy.

However, IF the problematic situation resolved and the relationship morphed into a normal LTR, that person might feel they had "won" the love of their life and so in that situation a person might find it very fulfilling indeed. Or if they just felt like limerence was "it", "true love" which I suspect at least some people do. Very strong limerence is like a drug high in some ways.

Sorry dear, no straight answers from me...  🤣

Edited February 14, 2020 by mark clemson

[K.K.]

17 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Very strong limerence is like a drug high in some ways.

That’s what makes it my favorite. The rush, it’s addicting. It’s living. Everything else is just ... flat. 

Quote

Sorry dear, no straight answers from me...  🤣

That’s ok. I make up my own. 

 

[carhill]

The limerence head rush stuff was cool no doubt; IME the good memories are mostly the rest, the everyday love and emotional attachment stuff. Of course everyone's psychology and emotional styles are unique so love has many different and valid definitions.

[amaysngrace]

I wish I knew.  It’s currently just raw sexual energy in a very professional setting which makes it a bit tough but I know if I ever do get to touch him I most likely wouldn’t  be able to stop.

Bleh, I hate love.

[Miss Spider]

^ mannnn, but that sounds super awesome/exciting 

Edited February 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Logo]

Love used to mean waking up in the morning and the first thought is about wanting to see or be with the person I'm in a relationship with. It used to mean spending time together doing anything and still having a good time. It used to mean wanting to smell her scent on everything I had. It used to mean feeling hopeful about the future, feeling elation, walking on cloud nine. It used to mean that I couldn't get enough of her, spending time with her. It used to mean finding quirky strange rituals that she does cute or endearing and then finding myself doing them. It used to mean that if I was having fun, I would wish she was there with me to experience that fun with me. It used to me that when I'm with her nothing else matters, all my troubles and fears and worries would go away.

But now I think, maybe most of that is infatuation. Now I think, I don't know which parts are realistic to feel with e v e r y woman I am in a relationship with. No idea.

[chillii]

your not going to feel it with every.

lf your lucky you might feel it once , or twice in your life.

Many like some here and so many through the forum , don't even find that once or twice , or haven't yet that's for sure.

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, Logo said:

But now I think, maybe most of that is infatuation. Now I think, I don't know which parts are realistic to feel with e v e r y woman I am in a relationship with. No idea.

Lucky for you there's no one right answer.

People looking at it from the perspective of settled LTR "familial" type of love downplay what you had by calling it infatuation. People in the midst of NRE downplay the settled, LTR type of love by calling it boring.

There's no real need for "realism" or even expectations, just pick your poison and remember that the headier stuff tends to fade over time for the majority of folks. I have also heard that the more intensely emotional relationships are more likely to end (emotional "energy" being a two-edged sword). But I'm not sure if there are statistics to bear that out.

Don't worry, be happy. Love the one you're with.

[Gaeta]

To me, when I reach the place where I'd be willing to give him one of my kidneys, yes I love him. It has nothing to do with butterflies and the rush of a new relationship. Love happens after all that rush, when you can name as many flaws as they are qualities and you still want them in your life. 

[Kitty Tantrum]

When I'm in his arms, I feel like a battery tucked into a single-slot high-speed charger.

[Ruby Slippers]

From a scientific point of view, there are two primary forms of romantic love:

1. Infatuation. This is the obsessive "in love" phase, when the chemistry in your brain looks exactly like that of a drug addict. It's often fueled by sexual attraction and a feeling of chemistry, connection. This is designed to last about 2 years, just long enough to produce and raise a toddler.

2. Real/mature/lasting love. Once the infatuation phase passes, this is when you can make a conscious choice to love that person and contribute to their well-being day after day - or you can wander off and look for another infatuation/dopamine source to keep you high. There are ways to rekindle the infatuation feelings, keep the romance alive - doing novel things together, for example, fires up the same brain chemistry and can make one feel gaga again.

For me, I know I'm in love when I fall into the first one and am looking ahead to the second. Right now I am most definitely in stage 1, and we've already begun talking about stage 2

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

From a scientific point of view, there are two primary forms of romantic love:

1. Infatuation. This is the obsessive "in love" phase, when the chemistry in your brain looks exactly like that of a drug addict. It's often fueled by sexual attraction and a feeling of chemistry, connection. This is designed to last about 2 years, just long enough to produce and raise a toddler.

2. Real/mature/lasting love. Once the infatuation phase passes, this is when you can make a conscious choice to love that person and contribute to their well-being day after day - or you can wander off and look for another infatuation/dopamine source to keep you high. There are ways to rekindle the infatuation feelings, keep the romance alive - doing novel things together, for example, fires up the same brain chemistry and can make one feel gaga again.

For me, I know I'm in love when I fall into the first one and am looking ahead to the second. Right now I am most definitely in stage 1, and we've already begun talking about stage 2

There is also NRE. I think your #1 "Infatuation" is probably NRE. But I think the brain looking like a drug addict stuff is actually (3) limerence rather than "healthy" infatuation/NRE.

I might be wrong about that, I'm not a neuroscientist + the distinction might not be universal or always very clear cut. But that's my understanding. I also think limerence is not a primary form as it's rare. Maybe the "brain like a drug addict" stuff just becomes even more intensified in limerence. Dunno, seems like it could be though.

My belief is you can have just wonderful NRE/"infatuation" without it being the obsessive and alternatingly elated/depressed "addiction-like" quality of limerence. But maybe your brain looks like a drug addicts' brain during NRE too, you're just a happy drug addict, because you're getting your "fix". Dunno. 🙂

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sure that people experience infatuation to varying degrees. And you do not have to be infatuated to choose to love someone.

For me and for a lot of Western people, the ideal state of love is one that begins with infatuation / a crush / butterflies / passion, and then the fire keeps burning at a good heat forevermore. Rationally, I understand that infatuation is an animal thing, you could say a lower-level impulse that starts below the waist. And love is a higher-level thing that starts at the heart level and above.

Even recognizing this, I appreciate a good dose of infatuation / limerence / obsession toward and from my romantic partner. An example:

My boyfriend has been doing a lot of upper body weight training lately, and while his arms and shoulders were always sexy, now he's taking it to the next level, and he's been very clear that he's doing this because he wants to look sexier for me and perform better in bed. He's also been making a little extra effort to dress nice for me. Yesterday he wore this fitted dark gray shirt with a slight sheen. I must admit that him increasing his sexiness just for me is totally working. I look at his body a little longer and it makes the already hot sex even hotter. Yesterday I couldn't keep my hands off his arms and shoulders. It makes me feel stronger "crush" feelings toward him, like: "Damn, who is this fineass man next to me?!" In turn, this makes him feel sexier, more manly, and it's a continuous sexy loop.

I'm doing the same for him, and it's SO FUN!

We've already discussed that love evolves over time, someday our hormones will change, sex drives probably will, too, and that's OK because we have so much more than that, enjoy each other's company even when doing everyday things. 

I think most people fail to see beyond the infatuation stage, and that's why so many romantic relationships break down.

[alphamale]

On 2/12/2020 at 5:45 PM, Logo said:

How do you know? 

when you get all goofy and weak in the knees - that's when you know you're in love 😍