Bf broke up with me due to Separation from his wife

[Tuppence37]

The story is I knew this guy very briefly but we fell for each other very quickly. He told me he loved me and he the first person that I said ‘I love you’ to. He was the one who seemed to really fall for me but the feeling is mutual - we believed we were soulmates.

He felt he was more gay than bi and he really wanted out of his marriage encouraging her to move on and find someone who can love her, she does have boyfriends. 
 

I think the separation has been difficult especially involving children and the wife wanting to be kept in the lifestyle she accustomed too.

We broke up because of the heavy demands he’s under in all areas of this separation. I wanted to give him time but that didn’t work in the end either. He asked me to move on as his situation won’t be fixed for years.

im finding this hard as I’ve not dated much and I’m cautious who I get close with. I would love it if he sorted his situation out to some extent that we could become a proper couple. To hear SubshineGirl got hers back is wonderful and I’d just like to know if it was successful; or was there an awkwardness?

i find online theres not much said about a guy like me finding their partner whose going through a separation with his wife. It so upsetting to think he’s accepting a life keeping his wife happy while she goes off with her partners while he also struggles with keeping everything managed. Also I’ve found him but I’m losing out - but he did meet her first, it’s just so sad.

I pray for a miracle.

 

Edited March 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tuppence37]

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Lotsgoingon]

He told you to move on, and when people do that, we really need to listen. The options: he's not that into you or maybe he's not ready to fully come out and be with a man. He also could just not feel clear inside of himself. 

I know this is disappointing. You felt a real connection with him. But you don't want to be with someone who has a marriage hanging over his head. You really only want to date a fully divorced person (legal papers sent in the mail). "Separation" is very vague ... and lots of people who say they're separated are actually still enmeshed in the relationship with their legal spouse.

This guy has children in the picture and it sounds like he's simply not ready to date you. No, do NOT wait and don't expect he'll come back to you. Lots of times people say "I'm not ready" when what they mean is "I don't like you enough to move forward." 

 

 

[Tuppence37]

Yeah I hear you - tbh that would be the worst thing if he just didn’t want me so he broke it off - because that just feels incorrect. I can understand if his situation overwhelmed him and so he cut me out - he does have a lot happening. He did look emotionally wrecked last time I seen him - but he always said there was nothing wrong with me, it was his situation.

Coincidentally he actually contacted me today (Valentines Day) to ask how I was. I did reply and we chatted a bit. I didn't mention us and I can’t ask him for anything as I feel it has to be him who does that.

I feel panicky now, that maybe I should have said more especially as it’s Valentine’s Day - but I cant! I’m so grateful he reached out. Maybe he only wants to alleviate his feelings. 

[Lotsgoingon]

He did look emotionally wrecked last time I seen him - but he always said there was nothing wrong with me, it was his situation.

It's a risky assumption to assume the above state is temporary. I know people, lots of people, who chronically are stressed, feeling overwhelmed ... He was probably pushing himself to be reasonably happy around you ... but he may not have that energy anymore because his life is chaotic.

You want someone who can EASILY make time for you and who isn't overwhelmed.

[Tuppence37]

Thanks Lotsgoingon for your input - yes what I meant by saying he looked wrecked is that he appeared to be overwhelmed at that time and I now I feel I was just stressing him further asking for him to tell me he loves me still. I feel terrible with a lot of insecurities - feeling I must have been the reason he wants the break up. Even though everyone thinks his reason would definitely be a legitimate reason.
 

im in two minds - both consisting of wanting him back to get to know him further. He had his issues for sure and I really have none - but I’d love to have been his support and partner (but it can’t be all about him). I’d rather invest in someone I feel worth it you see. But the ball is in his court and he’s not going to be able to fix his situation quickly. 
 

I think what’s difficult is that we’re not together but not because we both don’t want to be.

Edited February 17, 2020 by Tuppence37

[Tuppence37]

I originally posted my breakup in a different thread but I realise I should have posted it here.

My ex broke up with me as he said he couldn’t manage everything  in his life which includes wanting clean separation from his wife. We had told each other we loved each other and he wanted us to move in and have a life together. He also takes drugs recreationally at home. 

At first I asked if we could take some space so he could deal with what he’s going through and he seemed positive about doing that. During that time he texted me and one night, while high I believe,  he texted me how much he loved me and how in time he would be off the drugs and be back to normal. He told me he never had anything real to come off drugs for but now he does with having me.

Next day he broke up with me - saying his situation too much right now and he can’t be my boyfriend, but he could be my friend (probably the most hurtful thing I think he could say - I mean I still love him). I do think he may only be saying friend because he has too much going on and he’s struggling with stress - so I understand he can’t think about keeping a new relationship going too. I’d love to think I was enough to make him want to fix his life though. He’s now continuing to live with his wife because a separation would be difficult and would ruin them financially. I think he’s afraid of losing custody of his kids as well as he doesn’t have confidence in his wife if she got custody. I think staying with her keeps things good for them all. She has a boyfriend too who doesn’t have interest in her children.

I started No Contact in hopes that he would come round - I mean how do you love someone and then not? He did text me 2 weeks later, Valentines Day - basically told me his situation the same. I responded to him... as we broke up due to his circumstances not because either of us wanted to.

i just want to know if I have applied no contact appropriately as I am hoping he would try fix up his life to get back with me.  He says his separation will take years but that doesn’t mean we can’t be together.

I've been an utter disgrace on no contact - I’m a wreck, I told someone I loved them and they say they only want to be friends.

I’m just so upset that I found the one who seemed to like all parts of me. It’s like the wait was finally over.

part of me wants him to contact me because I was supposed to have meant so much to him and we broke up because of his circumstances not because he didn’t want me anymore. 

He texted me Valentines surely that means something? I responded to his texts and kept it light but he finished the chat not me. Have I ruined no contact?
 

sorry this was so long just I feel it needs explaining.

Edited February 18, 2020 by Tuppence37

[K.K.]

Yes. You ruined no contact. That’s ok. Start over. You don’t announce no contact. You just -STOP contacting or receiving contact. 

No contact isn’t for getting them back. It’s for letting them GO. 

I feel for you. Been there done that. But the guy’s married and he’s not leaving. You have to let go. One day at a time. It’ll get easier. I know it hurts and I’m sorry. 

[d0nnivain]

You don't understand NC.  It's not about manipulating somebody to come back to you.  You want him back.  That requires conversations.  Thus when he reached out you answered hoping it meant something.  Sadly it was a breadcrumb at best.  

Healing is often 2 steps forward, one step back.  

[Tuppence37]

I heard your can reply so long as you don’t come off desperate - which I’m not because I understand his predicament and really he can’t do anything unless his situation changes like the wife wants a divorce to be with her boyfriend or if business starts booming. I mean he has his kids to think of and a lot of financial responsibilities to his wife if he does separate/divorce.

He’s not happy being with his wife - I didnt say this in this thread but he’s gay. They are more friends/frenimies than a couple.

Did he actually mean anything he said to me? He brought me home to meet his kids and everything. He sounded sure of me.

[d0nnivain]

NC is black & white.  Any conversation, any communication, the ability to see each other's social media is all not NO contact.  It may be LC.  It may be begging for the other person back.  It maybe something in between but it's not NO contact. 

You need to run your relationship & your break up the way that works for you.  But that doesn't change the definitions of the labels.  

[Tuppence37]

No I understand reading no contact the first time that it was a help to the person getting through their mental state after the break up as well. I did read when the ex contacts, you CAN respond (otherwise your ex will think you don’t want contact with them) but keep it brief and end the conversation - which I didn’t get to do as I was driving.

I have no interest in manipulating him but I find it difficult to understand when he was so interested and verbalised plans to have a better life with me. Also no contact for me is because I want this for me. If he loved me then where’s the want still considering he loved me so much. Do I make sense?

why waste his time with me? Why tell me he loves me or introduce me to his kids?

i mean his situation does make sense as to why he cant leave his wife and she seems volatile but yet she has her boyfriend.

I do appreciate your responses - thank you.

Edited February 18, 2020 by Tuppence37

[TeddyBundy1993]

This guy does not know what he wants. He wants out of marriage but did fell for you.  Now he asks you to move on says hes bi more of gay whatsoever. He is just a wreck and should discover what he wants.  Soulmates dont behave that way. 

You should stop wasting time on him.  He wont change.  Why would you want to be involved with such a delusional person who doesnt know what he wants? I have been with such a person and it's a crazy ride.  You'll better be alone to say the least.  Or get a better match if you look around. This guy made it clear dont expect any miracle people who love dont makes other wait or ask them to find someone else. 

[Tuppence37]

Thanks Teddy for response - I actually posted this again in Breakups Thread called No Contact Specifics. I felt that was a better fit.

i think my ex made bad choices in his past, no fault of his own really - he had a privileged upbringing and had self confidence issues. I think he realises the problems and is trying to make amends in his life. He encourages his wife to find a new partner so she could get what he has with me. He said he let me go because he felt he is too damaged and thats its not fair me waiting around for him. I hate that because I choose him.

It feels so complicated especially with regards no contact. I want what’s best for him so I respect him breaking up with me but I hope he comes round to realising there’s more to life than what he’s got. I know I can’t make him see that of course.

[Tuppence37]

I met my ex on a dating app and after we broke up I downloaded the dating app to see if he was on it. It’s been a month since our breakup - my ex did contact me Valentines Day and I chatted with him briefly (I’ve already been told this breaks NC). 
Today I found him on this dating app and we chatted but he didn’t know it was me. What he said was pretty much what he told me when we had our first exchange - that he’s married but wife and he separating.

Reason we broke up was because he is married but is going through a separation that he said is proving difficult especially as they have kids. His wife has her own relationship with another man going.

What do I do now knowing that he’s on this app. He’s suggested meeting up but as I said he doesn’t know it’s me. I actually want to meet him to ask what was our relationship about?

Really I'm looking to understand the relationship - did he mean all he said to me? He could be on the dating app for casual meet-up. He wanted me to be his friend but I didn’t understand why he would want friendship and I don’t think I could do that.

I think I’m surprised it’s just been a month.

Id also like to add that I feel that with his separation the NC doesn’t seem to apply. I mean he can’t separate due to his situation and he said he couldn’t keep me as he had so much demands on him - that he was heading for a break down.

[Cersei]

You are creating a lot of your own drama by talking to him.  You won't get over him if you keep talking to him even if he doesn't know it's you. Block him.

[TeddyBundy1993]

Not all questions have answers. After separation its common to question ourselves about the relationship. But at the end of the day fact doesnt change that's it's over and other party has moved on and here we are grieving like a close one died. 

How are you so sure he gonna answer the truth when you meet him this time! Dont hurt yourself anymore by talking to him and finding answers  fact that hes gone wont change.  Neither gonna bring him back anyway. Hes ready to date means hes over you.  But you clearly arent over this guy. And by talking to him you wouldn't. Grieve for a while and then try to move on slowly. You'll get better and more deserving guy

[Fletch Lives]

Why don't you move on with your life so you can begin to get over this guy? No contact and time is the only closure.

[Tuppence37]

I understand what your saying - I just wanted answers.

I've spoken again with him just now and he revealed he married and trying to make it work with his wife who also has a partner on the side. He hoping to have somebody he can have fun with while remaining married.

 I’m so upset - feeling so bad. I cared about him but I feel I’m really just surplus to his life. I never asked for this.

Edited March 3, 2020 by Tuppence37

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

I've spoken again with him just now and he revealed he married and trying to make it work with his wife who also has a partner on the side. He hoping to have somebody he can have fun with while remaining married.

If you have youth and time to squander, keep talking to him and letting him weave you even tighter in to this messy web of his.

It's clear he doesn't want a divorce. If he did, he'd have taken care of it like billions of other humans have in the world.

 

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I’m so upset - feeling so bad. I cared about him but I feel I’m really just surplus to his life. I never asked for this.

You may not have asked for it, but you contribute to and accept it nonetheless by playing these games on the dating app with him.

His feelings are for him to deal with and sort out--he doesn't need you to do that nor does he really want your help.  He wants a placeholder for when his wife tosses aside her side piece. 

You got  years and youth like that to waste?

[Tuppence37]

@kendahke

im actually near 40 - first time getting into a relationship where he said I was perfect for him and some much good seemed to be developing. I’m just trying make sense of it - and I struggle to think of myself as worthy of a relationship.

id just like to know he really wanted a relationship but couldn’t have it. If that makes sense.

[schlumpy]

From what you have said it looks like he is taking a break from married life. Do you know his wife? Are you sure that they don't have a understanding between them when it comes to extra curricular activities?

I don't think he wants anything other then FWB.

[kendahke]

10 minutes ago, Tuppence37 said:

im actually near 40

40 is young. I'm 60 and sometimes wished I was back in my 40's.

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- first time getting into a relationship where he said I was perfect for him and some much good seemed to be developing. 

But understand: you're perfect for a married man who cannot commit to you because, by law, he is already committed to a legal wife, even if she is messing about on the side.  Anything serious happens to either of them that requires a hospital and guess who isn't next of kin and can be kicked out of the room by the other spouse if they feel like doing that? It's perfect for him because he doesn't have to answer to you for anything.

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I’m just trying make sense of it - and I struggle to think of myself as worthy of a relationship.

You are--never allow yourself to think any differently.  You're worthy of someone who makes you his #1 with his full attention and presence, not what he doles out after he's prioritized his lawful wife first. 

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id just like to know he really wanted a relationship but couldn’t have it.

There's nothing preventing him from going down to the courthouse to file the papers and/or hiring a lawyer or a mediator except his will to do so. 

If you don't want to squander anymore of the finite resource that is your youth right now, tell him it's you he's talking to on the app and block him and move on with your life. You deserve way more than what he's willing to give you--as long as he remains married, you'll be short-changing yourself and losing valuable time behind him. That's one regret at the end of your life that is totally avoidable.

Edited March 3, 2020 by kendahke

[assertives]

11 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

I understand what your saying - I just wanted answers.

I've spoken again with him just now and he revealed he married and trying to make it work with his wife who also has a partner on the side. He hoping to have somebody he can have fun with while remaining married.

There. You have your answer. He never wanted to make this a full time/full commitment to you. He just wanted someone on the side while remaining married. Not sure how much more clearer can he get about his intentions. Unless you don't mind this part time arrangement a mistress of a married man, stop talking to him and block him.

[Pastypop]

This guy is a serial cheater. The only thing I would believe he says is that he is married.  I don’t believe he is trying to separate, I don’t believe his wife has her own relationships or anything else. Ask him what happened to last his last relationship. Bet he will say she moved or something of that nature.   He is just out there having some fun on the side. RUN and be glad to be done with him.  One day, all this is going to come crashing down  Be glad that you will not be apart of his drama!!!!