Bf broke up with me due to Separation from his wife

[ExpatInItaly]

Did you ever go to his house while you were dating him, OP?

[Tuppence37]

Yes I did - I met his children once. Another time i was there his wife rang and he was chatting with her while I sitting with him; I heard him tell her, on the phone, that I was there.

He showed me texts that he had sent his wife telling her about me and how she approved, and liked look of me.

Im really devastated because he broke up with me to manage his life and that he couldn’t give any more time to me, couldn’t be my partner he said. Yet now he’s on a dating app looking for ‘friends’. 

I think he couldn’t give me the relationship (I think he started out wanting to) but in the end he just wanted to keep me as a friend. But I was in it for different reasons - I wanted a relationship. What changed in his heart I don’t know other than he’s making things work with the wife - both having their own partners for fun. There’s serious selfishness there  - it seems the partner is just someone to have around but they don’t matter or have any say.

i think he’s trapped in his marriage because it’s not worth the hassle getting out of but I can’t see what he’s got being better than what we had. At least he had something real with me. Maybe I was another committed relationship that he felt he getting trapped in? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Tuppence37 said:

i think he’s trapped in his marriage because it’s not worth the hassle getting out of but I can’t see what he’s got being better than what we had. At least he had something real with me. Maybe I was another committed relationship that he felt he getting trapped in? 

You have no clue how their really marriage was/is, to be fair. You only know his side, which may or may not be the truth. It's also more than a tad presumptuous to assume what they had as a married couple was any less real than what you had with him. They have a lot more history together, including a family. Some of the things you're writing here about him also make me wonder if he was trying to make his wife jealous, honestly. How long had they been separated?

Assuming he is a grown adult with his own free will, though, he isn't trapped in his marriage. He is there because on some level, he wants to be there. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and perhaps that is something they've both agreed on now. Who knows, he could be making it all up as a way of ending it with you because he knows you wouldn't want to be part of that triangle so it's an easy out for him. 

Either way, he's not going to offer you the sort of relationship you're looking for. It sucks, but it's best to have no further contact with him at all. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have no clue how their really marriage was/is, to be fair. You only know his side, which may or may not be the truth. It's also more than a tad presumptuous to assume what they had as a married couple was any less real than what you had with him. They have a lot more history together, including a family. Some of the things you're writing here about him also make me wonder if he was trying to make his wife jealous, honestly. How long had they been separated?

Assuming he is a grown adult with his own free will, though, he isn't trapped in his marriage. He is there because on some level, he wants to be there. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and perhaps that is something they've both agreed on now. Who knows, he could be making it all up as a way of ending it with you because he knows you wouldn't want to be part of that triangle so it's an easy out for him. 

Either way, he's not going to offer you the sort of relationship you're looking for. It sucks, but it's best to have no further contact with him at all. 

 

Quoting myself because it's too late to edit:

OP, I took a look at your past thread about him. To clarify, are you also a man? And this married man was the one who told you that he felt more gay than bi? Apologies if I'm confusing you with someone else

[Tuppence37]

Yes I am man - I found when I reveal that I’m gay and he’s bi then people here tended to stop commenting - so I didn’t bring that up here.

But yes he’s bi trying to separate from the wife but realising they financially and for kids better off together. He and wife are like friends but he doesn’t feel they compatible. He told me he felt our relationship was better than hers with her boyfriend, and he said he encouraged her to get a relationship like he and I have. I trusted him and he was the one thanking me for being me and coming into his life. Your right it’s all talk though. I never met the wife.

I think I just want hope that he wanted what we had and it wasn’t just an illusion. I finally got something I’d always dreamed for, I even got an ‘i love you’ but now I feel it wasn’t what I was living at all. I’ve been so cautious my whole life with who I gave my heart too and this was not supposed to happen. I’ve been numb for past month until discovering him in this dating app - he’s moving on to get a friend with benefit.

[JTSW]

On 2/18/2020 at 8:01 PM, Tuppence37 said:

He’s not happy being with his wife

How do you know that?

On 2/18/2020 at 8:21 PM, Tuppence37 said:

why waste his time with me?

(Answer is below)

21 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

He hoping to have somebody he can have fun with while remaining married.

^^^This was all he wanted. Some fun outside of his marriage.

He never loved you Tuppence. He just used you for fun.

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

He showed me texts that he had sent his wife telling her about me and how she approved, and liked look of me.

How do you know that was even his wife that he was talking to on the phone and sent those messages?

He could've gotten someone to do all that to make you believe his lies. 

 

[Tuppence37]

Yes I hear you and your right. 
 

there’s more - he got back to me and told me his wife and he are separated again and he’s open for relationship. I arranged to meet but he doesn’t know it’s me.

[JTSW]

Just now, Tuppence37 said:

Yes I hear you and your right. 

there’s more - he got back to me and told me his wife and he are separated again and he’s open for relationship. I arranged to meet but he doesn’t know it’s me.

You can't do that.

You have to stop this now. It's not healthy.

It's obsessive and deceitful and he will be seriously pissed off that you did that to him. 

[Tuppence37]

I don’t think I’ll meet him. Should I tell him it’s me?

[JTSW]

Just now, Tuppence37 said:

I don’t think I’ll meet him. Should I tell him it’s me?

No, just shut down your profile and stop contacting him.

Move on.

[Tuppence37]

Ok I met him - i rang family who advised me meet him to get it done with.

he was ok with meeting me and answered a lot of my questions on why we broke up. He told me he too has been in a bad place since our breakup but he doesn’t want to get back together. He told me he did love me but I wanted a relationship and he not wanting that now.

I wouldn’t recommend doing what I done - I should have just texted him and asked to meet.

thanks JTSW for your replies

Edited March 4, 2020 by Tuppence37

[vla1120]

9 minutes ago, Tuppence37 said:

Ok I met him - i rang family who advised me meet him to get it done with.

he was ok with meeting me and answered a lot of my questions on why we broke up. He told me he too has been in a bad place since our breakup but he doesn’t want to get back together. He told me he did love me but I wanted a relationship and he not wanting that now.

I wouldn’t recommend doing what I done - I should have just texted him and asked to meet.

thanks JTSW for your replies

I am hoping now you feel you have closure so you can move forward and find someone worthy of your attention? Also, it sounds like you are looking for a long term, committed relationship. Since this was your first experience with a relationship - your first love - give yourself some time to get over this relationship so that when you do start dating, you will be healed from this heartbreak and better equipped to find someone who is looking for the same thing as you, a long term, committed relationship. 

[Beendaredonedat]

My suggestion, take it as you may:  I question why you would let yourself become vulnerable to a man that is still married and who does drugs.  It says a lot about your picker and that its broken.  I'm blunt so I'll also suggest that you have a great fear of commitment to even start dating a man in such a state.  I would contemplate, if I were you, why I chose someone that clearly is not in an emotional state to be with me in an actual committed way.

Don't answer his crumbs of contact anymore.  It was quite selfish and sociopathic for him to try and keep you hooked to him when he has no intentions of giving himself to you.  

 

Maybe look into getting some personal therapy to figure out why you didn't run from someone in his status instead of continuing on and letting yourself become addicted to him. (subconscious fear of commitment comes to mind)

I wish you good luck and staying away, keeping him away and you working on your own personal boundaries so you won't choose anyone in his predicament ever again.

Edited March 4, 2020 by Beendaredonedat
typos

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

he broke up with me to manage his life and that he couldn’t give any more time to me, couldn’t be my partner he said. Yet now he’s on a dating app looking for ‘friends’. 

He broke up with you because you want more out of him than he's willing to give you and he can see that, even if you're trying desperately trying not to see that.

He's looking for married people who wants some side action. If that isn't you, then you need to bounce.

Edited March 4, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

I arranged to meet but he doesn’t know it’s me.

this has the potential to not end well for you.

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

Ok I met him

🤦‍♀️

[Tuppence37]

6 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I am hoping now you feel you have closure so you can move forward and find someone worthy of your attention? Also, it sounds like you are looking for a long term, committed relationship. Since this was your first experience with a relationship - your first love - give yourself some time to get over this relationship so that when you do start dating, you will be healed from this heartbreak and better equipped to find someone who is looking for the same thing as you, a long term, committed relationship. 

Thank you - I don’t know if I got closure but it’s over. I’m very hurt still and confused trying to accept it. I never asked for anything like this and I’ve hoped for what everyone else seems to get so easily and usually when they 16. 
 

i don’t know if I wanted a long term relationship but I would have liked some type of meaningful relationship that lasted at least a year. I won’t be entering another relationship for a while if at all. Saddens me to say that. It took a lot for me to put myself out there.

[Tuppence37]

6 hours ago, Beendaredonedat said:

My suggestion, take it as you may:  I question why you would let yourself become vulnerable to a man that is still married and who does drugs.  It says a lot about your picker and that its broken.  I'm blunt so I'll also suggest that you have a great fear of commitment to even start dating a man in such a state.  I would contemplate, if I were you, why I chose someone that clearly is not in an emotional state to be with me in an actual committed way.

Don't answer his crumbs of contact anymore.  It was quite selfish and sociopathic for him to try and keep you hooked to him when he has no intentions of giving himself to you.  

 

Maybe look into getting some personal therapy to figure out why you didn't run from someone in his status instead of continuing on and letting yourself become addicted to him. (subconscious fear of commitment comes to mind)

I wish you good luck and staying away, keeping him away and you working on your own personal boundaries so you won't choose anyone in his predicament ever again.

Thank you Beendare - I think you may be right about this. I think I want commitment but don’t feel worthy of it, possibly. As in ‘who would want me’ so I was thrilled he interested in going with me. I accepted all of him because I felt lucky to have someone.
 

i wish I had learnt this years ago.

[Tuppence37]

5 hours ago, kendahke said:

He broke up with you because you want more out of him than he's willing to give you and he can see that, even if you're trying desperately trying not to see that.

He's looking for married people who wants some side action. If that isn't you, then you need to bounce.

Yes I only realised this now - I think he’s looking for someone in the same situation he is. I hate the thought.

i did want more from him for sure but that’s his fault - he wanted the relationship too at first and he said a lot of stuff that led the relationship in that direction. I was just dating him, I was happy with how it was developing but reminded him he had a separation to get through as well. 

[Tuppence37]

5 hours ago, kendahke said:

this has the potential to not end well for you.

I went with family recommendation to go through with it but I wish I had of just called him and arranged to meet up. I don’t know if he would have done that but going by our chat today he would have - even if he didn’t give that impression when we broke up.

i wish things were different now and that I could have given myself a better chance cause I didn’t want to be seen in this light.
He has said I can contact him in future if I need to.

[Tuppence37]

5 hours ago, JTSW said:

🤦‍♀️

I know I wouldn’t recommend doing this either - I would recommend contacting them directly instead. 

I’m heartbroken and I wish I hadn’t let myself down this way - he blocked me on the dating app and told me so but said if I ever wanted to contact him by phone, as usual then I could.

im completely upset with myself for doing it in this way. My family were thinking of my mental health as I’ve been a wreck but I do wish they had thought of what I wanted and to have recommended me not to do it this way. It’s not their fault but now I am feeling the worst for it.

[Beendaredonedat]

Don't contact him again.  That is how you will get over him.  Don't meet him in anyway so ghost him and don't show up if you have done some trick to get him out.   Delete your dating profiles until you are feeling better and have your confidence back and know that you are only going to accept dates with men that are free to be with you and aren't going to be stoned half the time.

He's not worth your emotions so go zero contact so you can rehab from the addiction of having him in your life and more quickly get to the stage of indifference to him.  Love yourself enough to block/delete.

 

You should also be cognizant of the fact that men don't look for platonic "friends" on a dating site.  They are there to get laid and find someone who is naive enough to be their sex friend while they call all the shots as to when they see who they are doing.  In other words no strings attached sex.  

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Beendaredonedat said:

Don't contact him again.  That is how you will get over him.  Don't meet him in anyway so ghost him and don't show up if you have done some trick to get him out.   Delete your dating profiles until you are feeling better and have your confidence back and know that you are only going to accept dates with men that are free to be with you and aren't going to be stoned half the time.

I am going to echo this advice. 

Wait until you're in a stronger emotional place before you date again, OP. Feeling this low and lacking in self-worth makes you vulnerable to men who will not treat you right.

[Tuppence37]

7 hours ago, Beendaredonedat said:

Don't contact him again.  That is how you will get over him.  Don't meet him in anyway so ghost him and don't show up if you have done some trick to get him out.   Delete your dating profiles until you are feeling better and have your confidence back and know that you are only going to accept dates with men that are free to be with you and aren't going to be stoned half the time.

He's not worth your emotions so go zero contact so you can rehab from the addiction of having him in your life and more quickly get to the stage of indifference to him.  Love yourself enough to block/delete.

 

You should also be cognizant of the fact that men don't look for platonic "friends" on a dating site.  They are there to get laid and find someone who is naive enough to be their sex friend while they call all the shots as to when they see who they are doing.  In other words no strings attached sex.  

 

 

Yes thank you for your advice. When I first met him I only expected to date him. I was thrilled he wanted it as something more but my mind never would have thought of it as a friendship if we are lovers. In the end that’s what he wanted, for us to be just friends. Is that code for no strings attached? And maybe that would have suited me for now! I was trying to build friendships but I obviously I didn't disassociate the two.

But I think what it was all about was him being in his marriage but needing someone on the outside as well, just like his wife has. This is all very messed up and involved. What I’ve really lacked is someone who I could speak to about all this - i think a lot of what’s involved I wouldn’t never have seen as I’m the one in the relationship.

I’ve messed this all up it seems because I was in total unfamiliar territory and now I’ve messed up further by lying and meeting him. I just wanted to create some kind of life for myself and I felt I was creating that with him.