Bf broke up with me due to Separation from his wife

[Tuppence37]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am going to echo this advice. 

Wait until you're in a stronger emotional place before you date again, OP. Feeling this low and lacking in self-worth makes you vulnerable to men who will not treat you right.

Yes I don’t think I will enter another relationship anytime soon. I put my self out there due to a personal life situation and I wanted to face my anxieties and so I met someone in a dating capacity. One thing I didn’t want to happen is failure - that being - that if a breakup happened then we could be adult about it and respect each other keeping as friends. Obviously its a lot more complicated in than that. (This is why NC works because that would have given me time to let go but I wasn’t letting go I was waiting for him). I really don’t have a clue how to do these things and I was hoping he could see my good intent, but that must have left me open to hurt.
 

I really wish I could fix things still - just to claim back my sense of success or self.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, Tuppence37 said:

I’ve messed this all up it seems because I was in total unfamiliar territory and now I’ve messed up further by lying and meeting him. I just wanted to create some kind of life for myself and I felt I was creating that with him. 

But in reality, you weren't. He is still married to someone else, which you both knew from the get-go. 

I know that he might have led you to believe that things were done and dusted there, but he isn't divorced and it doesn't sound like he's been separated all that long either. It is risky getting involved with someone who isn't long out of a marriage, because you don't really know whether things are truly over and just waiting on paperwork to finalize it - or if there's still unresolved emotional business. You two hadn't been dating long enough for you to genuinely know which it was with this man. 

Did it make things better when you deceived him into meeting you? Well, no. But did you really mess it up? No, it was already over. There was nothing of substance left to mess up. This didn't have the legs to get off the ground to begin with. 

Moving forward, only go out with men who are totally free and clear of any past relationships. Don't see or speak to this man anymore. There is no point trying to be friends when you're in love and he's just looking for some side action. 

[Beendaredonedat]

Please understand that you cannot be just friends with someone you have emotionally/romantically been invested in.  It's fake and the only reason anyone would ask for that after being dumped is because they are anxious about going through the withdrawl that occurs when they are no longer in your life.  Just know that with zero contact that angst will dissipate and in no time at all,  and with acceptance that its over for the better, you will feel fine in no time at all.

End your thoughts of him by quickly changing the subject to something more pleasant than pining away for the likes of him.

[Tuppence37]

2 hours ago, Beendaredonedat said:

Please understand that you cannot be just friends with someone you have emotionally/romantically been invested in.  It's fake and the only reason anyone would ask for that after being dumped is because they are anxious about going through the withdrawl that occurs when they are no longer in your life.  Just know that with zero contact that angst will dissipate and in no time at all,  and with acceptance that its over for the better, you will feel fine in no time at all.

End your thoughts of him by quickly changing the subject to something more pleasant than pining away for the likes of him.

Thank you - I feel he’s managed to overcome the breakup already but I’ve been in turmoil. The NC is very worthy. I actually thought I had it down but I slipped up in the cruelest way for me because I want to represent myself well always.

Edited March 5, 2020 by Tuppence37

[Tuppence37]

I do want to ask this question though - can NC still work in getting him back even with this situation?

Just out of interest - is it likely that he will come knocking again?

[S2B]

16 minutes ago, Tuppence37 said:

I do want to ask this question though - can NC still work in getting him back even with this situation?

Just out of interest - is it likely that he will come knocking again?

Well sure he will come knocking... as long as you don’t make it crystal clear not to EVER knock again!

MM like him will always be looking for your weak spot so they can gain the advantage.

and he will if you don’t make it clear you aren’t interested in ANY man who is married!

slam that door shut! And make sure he’s well aware to never knock again!

thats the fastest way to start YOUR healing!

[ExpatInItaly]

34 minutes ago, Tuppence37 said:

I do want to ask this question though - can NC still work in getting him back even with this situation?

Just out of interest - is it likely that he will come knocking again?

He may, yes. 

And you will likely get your heart crushed all over again if you open the door for him. He's not looking for the same things you are, Tuppence. 

[Beendaredonedat]

4 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

I do want to ask this question though - can

NC still work in getting him back even with this situation?

Going no contact is not a strategy to get someone one back... it is a strategy to get you over him and to stop you thinking about nonsense like what you've written below:

Quote

Just out of interest - is it likely that he will come knocking again?

Girl, you don't want the likes of him to come knocking again.  You need to cleanse yourself of him so you can be open in heart and mind to find a GOOD man.  Not some wanker like him who you unfortunately let yourself get emotionally invested in.

 

 

Edited March 6, 2020 by Beendaredonedat
fix quote box

[S2B]

Beendar...

just pointing out - the OP is a man. The husband in this case has admitted to being gay and/or bi.

so clarity on those dynamics may play into  his marriage and possibly the affair with this OP.

but since this affair person has gone back to his wife - we can presume that he isn’t planning a long term relationship ship with this OP. 
 

will he use him in the future? Probably if the OP allows it? Will the AP offer a real relationship? Probably not.

[Redhead14]

He wants to be able to have you "waiting in the wings" so he can come and go when he pleases and at HIS convenience.  This guy is keeping you on a string.  Drop your end and move on. He may very well love you, he may very well want you but . . . not enough to make the leap necessary to be with you fully and in a committed way.  He is into you, but not THAT into you. 

[elaine567]

On 2/12/2020 at 10:55 PM, Tuppence37 said:

He asked me to move on as his situation won’t be fixed for years.

 I don't think this man did want the OP to wait in the wings.

The OP wanted a "proper" relationship, a happy ever after, the MM essentially wants a friend with benefits to prop up and make his situation more tolerable.
It may be hard to accept but better to be "set free" than to be kept permanently in limbo and strung along indefinitely as some people struggling with their marriages tend to do to other people.

[JTSW]

On 3/5/2020 at 10:28 PM, Tuppence37 said:

can NC still work in getting him back even with this situation?

Just out of interest - is it likely that he will come knocking again?

No.

[Tuppence37]

To be honest I have no experience in dating or close friendships. He mentioned moving in together or telling me how rare we are as a couple, soul mates etc. I was delighted yes and looked forward to exploring our time together. 

I just wanted to meet someone who thought something of me and seen me as someone to be with. For 2 months I felt I was visible.

I would love if he wanted me and I do hope he gets a change of heart. Surely i meant something.

[Beendaredonedat]

I may have mixed up the genders in the relationship but my advice is still the same.

Forget him, do your best to stop thinking about him when he pops into your head.  Accept that it's over so you can more quickly heal and then you'll be open in mind and heart to find someone who is on your page... not someone who is a poser.

[JTSW]

9 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

I do hope he gets a change of heart. Surely i meant something.

It's over. 

You have to accept that and move on.

Stop with the what-ifs because it's not going to happen.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

I would love if he wanted me and I do hope he gets a change of heart. Surely i meant something.

Re-read what you wrote, Tuppence. 

Your desire to feel wanted and seen is greater than your desire for him, as a person. The common theme in your posts is that you felt like you were finally being noticed by someone and you felt valued. While we all want those things, naturally, but you say very little about wanting him in your life because you value him and think he is an incredible person. 

I point this out not because I think he is wonderful human (he seems pretty selfish and uncaring, actually) but because it would be wise for you to sort out your feelings of low self-worth before you try dating again. It's leading you to invest in poor choices. I feel this will actually be a positive realization for you (if you agree with my observations, obviously) because you will be able to move on more quickly when you separate your own longing to be wanted and loved from the mediocre man you found yourself with. When we don't feel good about ourselves, it's true that we will often gravitate towards anyone who provides some attention and validation without properly evaluating that person. 

In short, I don't think it's him you want back. It's the feeling of being loved. He can't truly give you that, because he's not available for the kind of love you want. You need to let go of him and do the brave thing by addressing your own self-esteem. That is what will guide to make better choices about who you let in your life, and help you construct better filters to keep the bad seeds out rather than going for anyone who says some frilly sweet nothings. 

[Tuppence37]

Thank you ExPat - yes that is indeed a part of it. Past few years I’ve felt I’ve missed out (didnt go to college traditional way, no friends, no lovers, never socialised as a teenager, never done drugs, kept myself in so as not to embarrass myself or my family, nice quiet guy shy guy) and so I finally put myself out there to new things. My ex used to ask how I got so far in life without being f**ked up. 
 

From what I see people tend to fall in and out of relationships without much effort - of course they usually start in their teens. Yes they can have unhappy relationships but I would just like to experience it and I did care for this guy. He had a lot of baggage that I overlooked and I still would do to have more time with him. I wanted this now more than ever.

You are correct though - I require a lot of external validation instead of internally validating myself. It makes me want to know he loved me like he said and did want me even though things don’t turn out. I hate being like this - I just want to be myself and for that to be a good thing. Someone worth the try I suppose.

Thank you very much for your responses ExPat.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

Someone worth the try I suppose.

You're so worth the try, Tuppence. 

The issue here is that you need to be more cautious of who you permit to try. Not everyone is worthy of going to bat, if you catch my drift. And when that person shows us very clearly that their goals are not the same, it's time to shut it all down. 

First relationships are also almost never our last, either. We rarely get it right on the first go. That's why most folks are not with their first loves. We (hopefully) learn things from our previous relationships, and take those lessons into our next ones. This will get better for you when you are able to let go of him. He's not going to be the one to give you the loving relationship you would like and deserve. 

[Tuppence37]

Thank you again ExPat - I do pray he will come back to me. He instigated a lot of things said and people around me believe he was genuine in what he said to me. I hope this is so because it meant so much to me.

No one deserves this turmoil or should have to feel like this.

Other people get their ex’s texting ’i miss you‘ - they are so fortunate. No matter the outcome.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Tuppence37 said:

Thank you again ExPat - I do pray he will come back to me. He instigated a lot of things said and people around me believe he was genuine in what he said to me. I hope this is so because it meant so much to me.

No one deserves this turmoil or should have to feel like this.

Other people get their ex’s texting ’i miss you‘ - they are so fortunate. No matter the outcome.

No, dude. There's nothing to build on with this guy. All that will happen if he comes back is that you will get your heart broken all over again, and it will probably hurt even more than it does right now. 

And getting the "I miss you" text from an ex? That is not always as fortunate as you would like to believe. It's simplistic and naive to assume the outcome there doesn't matter. It does, a lot. That little breadcrumb can wind up hurting someone so much more when they realize their ex doesn't miss them as a person, but just misses having attention and sex, for example. The temporary validation you might will be destroyed as soon as he bounced again. 

I would strongly advise you to maybe speak to a counselor about where your self-esteem is. You missed the entire point of my previous message above, and are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of by guys exactly like your ex.