New here and newly dumped, I need to get it out!

[Resetmb2020]

My ex of almost 3 years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago.  He did it by email.  Yep by email!  I was surfing on my phone when I see a gmail notification so I click on it and it took me right to the email opened and the first thing I see is the word cheated.  I was instantly sick to my stomach, lost my breath and started shaking.  The man who I loved so much was breaking up with me by email because he has feelings for someone else that he cheated on me with.  The disbelief hit me so hard.  

I started to try to look at the pieces of my shattered relationship trying to figure out how I missed this coming.  I was trying to hold myself together and keep my dignity even though it didn’t make sense.  He wasn’t withdrawn.  His affection was the same, we continued to laugh and be our normal selves.  We continued to make future plans to the end.  He continued to tell me he loved me including saying that he loved me so much.  He told me days before the breakup that he misses me when we are apart and just didn’t feel like himself.  He would always text me goodnight when weren’t staying the night together.  One week before he dumped me he told me that he can’t wait to crawl into bed with me every night.   So when someone is playing along like that can you see any signs?

Just to add to my confusion, one month before the breakup was Christmas.  A few days before Christmas we were out running errands.  We were having a discussion about how far we’ve come and how much we’ve worked on our insecurities. (He knew my first husband left me very sudden because “he didn’t love me any more”.  He knew how devastating to me it was and that is my fear in any relationship.) He knew in-spite of my progress I wasn’t 100% comfortable that would never happen again.  He pulled the car over so he could take my hand and look me in the eyes.  He told me that he loved me so much and promised he would never do that to me.  He told me that he loved only me and there was no one else in this world for him. He had found everything in me and our relationship that’s he’s ever wanted.  He even had tears coming from his eyes.  In that moment I felt like the last bit of my fear dissipated.  He told me that night I would have to have one of my Christmas presents early that night.  He insisted.  He had made a custom book of our relationship to tell me why he loves me.  50+ pages of why he loved me and our relationship.  It was very touching.  He kept it until Christmas Day so he could write an inscription.  This is part of what he wrote ...”Words could never come close to explaining what you and your love means to me.  Every time I think I love you more than life itself you find a way to make me fall even deeper in love with you....”. I felt so secure with him.  How could I not?  We had a good relationship and he was great at expressing his love to me.  We were good at expressing our love to each other. 
 

Fast forward one month....... comes the email one Monday evening.  Not only did he do the one thing that was my biggest fear but the very sudden breakup but he added insult to injury by cheating on me.  He said he did (past tense)love me with his whole heart and it was really about him and not me.  We exchanged some texts that night and then I was done.  I didn’t reach out to him and had no intention to do so.  He did reach out to me the following week.  He wanted to try to help or support me any way he could.  That left me scratching my head!  I did respond with short answers and let him know that I didn’t see how he would be able to help.  The next night he text and offered to answer any of my questions.  We ended up talking on the phone that evening.  He wasn’t sure exactly when his feelings left.  He mentioned a couple of things that didn’t make sense.  I asked him if he knew he was struggling why didn’t talk to me and he was afraid to but wished he did.  I asked him if he had come to me and I suggested couple counseling would he have agreed to it and he said yes. We both sobbed during much of the call.  After the call we’ve had a few texts here and there.  He told me a week ago that he cries everyday.  He second guesses himself every second.  He cares about me but doesn’t think it’s love any more.  The other night he sent me a r.m. Drake writing that was about what I had meant to him and basically how good our relationship was, how loved and supported he felt.  I didn’t understand if that is his view of our relationship then how does love just go away and he cheats and leaves me for her. He didn’t even give us a chance to work on anything!   I don’t understand at all but I have accepted that I won’t.  He did offer to give me his “theories” but he would have to talk about the other women.  I said no that would not be helpful to me.  
 

I am starting counseling so I can process this and move on.  I am working on accepting the future I thought I had is gone.  The man I thought I had is gone.  Moment by moment is all I can do.  I’m so angry at him.  I get angry that he could betray me in such a big way!  He has someone to help pick up his pieces, someone to make him feel good and hold him when he’s down.  That’s so unfair!  I fight everyday to not blame myself and fight the feeling that something is so wrong with me that I can’t be loved.  I want to heal and I want to be able to trust in future relationships, but today it just hurts so bad.  

[mark clemson]

Ouch - what a tool to do this, esp. given what you've been through and your particular sensitivities.  Sorry, but he could have been a LOT more decent about any/all of this. You certainly have my sympathies!

[Resetmb2020]

Thank you.  I don’t want to think every guy is this way.  I also don’t understand how someone does that to someone they did love “with their whole heart” at one time.  Its cruel to say the least to be that “loving” the whole time developing a new relationship.  Just one of those things alone would have been enough for to have left him alone.  

[CloudyHead]

I'm so sorry!!  The constant reaching out to you is cruel so I would stop responding to him.  No matter what he says, the end result is the same.  Hugs!!

[schlumpy]

12 hours ago, Resetmb2020 said:

  One week before he dumped me he told me that he can’t wait to crawl into bed with me every night.  

  He did offer to give me his “theories” but he would have to talk about the other women.  I said no that would not be helpful to me.  

 

  I’m so angry at him.  I get angry that he could betray me in such a big way!  He has someone to help pick up his pieces, someone to make him feel good and hold him when he’s down.  That’s so unfair!  I fight everyday to not blame myself and fight the feeling that something is so wrong with me that I can’t be loved.  I want to heal and I want to be able to trust in future relationships, but today it just hurts so bad.  

Yes, I imagine it was quite a turn on to be doing two women at the same time. What a huge ego boost that must have been for him.

Now he wants to be your friend and "help" you so he can leave you behind knowing he did what he could to soften the blow. 

And finally some righteous anger that you can use to protect yourself.

There is no easy path for you to follow. Only time and distance will make things right. Don't allow him to salve his conscience. Use your anger to block him off your media. Take everything he ever gave your or reminds you of him and dispose of it.

A nice fire comes to mind but don't burn the house down.

[TeddyBundy1993]

Some people aren't mean to stay forever. Its true and we all here face this fact. You did too. It's really sad but its true he has left you for someone else. And he's trying to help you while he's f***ing his new women.  First of all cut this man out of life if you wanna move on. 

He was a big part of your life but hes gone. We all are left for someone else. These people easily give their heart to someone new and shiny. You will get over this. It's not easy a lot of ups and down of emotions pain memories gonna bother you. It will take time to adjust with it. This happens to the best of us. You'll be happy again and find someone else better than him.  Just cut him off out of your life simply tell you need to move on and can't do it with him around you.  There are better man out there.  Trust me. 

[Resetmb2020]

Thank you for the replies.  I am looking forward to the day I don’t hurt any more and I’m totally indifferent to him.  Which I think is better than hate because then I spent absolutely no energy on him.  The memories invade my head all day long.  I know they will fade and I will make new ones with someone else.  

[scooby-philly]

Hey @Resetmb2020 - I'm sorry for your pain. Slicing up your post to help break it down.

 

 

My ex of almost 3 years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago.  He did it by email.  Yep by email!  

• That's never a sign of maturity. I mean, once you get past 18 or 20 and you're in a real relationship - anything past like 3-6 months - and even then if it was hot and heavy 3-6 months, that deserves a face to face chat. People who dump via text or email or IM like that - even by phone call to a certain extant - are immature and it shows how little care and concern they have for your feelings.

The man who I loved so much was breaking up with me by email because he has feelings for someone else that he cheated on me with.  

• And breaking up via email because of cheating - that's even more cowardly. He doesn't even have the courage or conviction to tell you face to face. Not only does it show immaturity, it also shows how his subconscious isn't even fully committed to the new girl because someone in love with someone else fully would have the courage to admit things.

The disbelief hit me so hard.

• This is going to be a long road - but more on that later. 

I started to try to look at the pieces of my shattered relationship trying to figure out how I missed this coming.  I was trying to hold myself together and keep my dignity even though it didn’t make sense.  He wasn’t withdrawn.  His affection was the same, we continued to laugh and be our normal selves.  We continued to make future plans to the end.  He continued to tell me he loved me including saying that he loved me so much.  He told me days before the breakup that he misses me when we are apart and just didn’t feel like himself.  He would always text me goodnight when weren’t staying the night together.  One week before he dumped me he told me that he can’t wait to crawl into bed with me every night.   So when someone is playing along like that can you see any signs?

• As I have learned the hard way - true love (not infatuation, not immature love, etc.) - true love = vulnerability. And vulnerability = potential heartbreak. But there's no other way around it. You just have to make sure you do the work to process this and move forward eventually so you don't shut off your heart to someone in the future.
• Sure, there are times you can see the signs....you pointed a lot of them out - affection wanes, talk doesn't include future plans, language or choice or words change, amount of time together lessens. But you won't always see them. And sometimes - as in your case - the signs are not there and you have to accept the fact that you just got b-slapped by a wrecking ball.
• The most important thing you can do for yourself and your own recovery, happiness, sanity, and to make sure you love again - is to remind yourself....it's not your fault. At all. That's not easy to accept. And the "nicer" of a person you are, the more committed you were to the relationship, the more you gave the other person, the more you had planned out a future with them, the harder it becomes. Your mind will spend weeks, months, a year (depending on the length of your relationship, the circumstances of the breakup (which in your case is rough), and other factors) spiraling, doing a "what did I do wrong?", or "what if I had did x,y,z or said a,b,c," or "what if.....". You will have to learn to stop it. Your ego is bruised and will be bruised for a while. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you are perfect. And I'm not saying you didn't maybe make some mistakes in the relationship. But as adults - a loving, open, transparent, happy, healthy, and ever growing relationship depends on communication and vulnerability from both parties. Whatever he "needed" or "wanted" and wasn't getting from the relationship - he didn't tell you. Therefore, he never gave you the opportunity to know about it, understand it, and work on it with him. And...it could be something deep seeded in his personality and about him not being mature enough to give himself what he needs. But even then, adults (and I mean that in the emotional sense of the word, not the physical age) are vulnerable with their partners and help each other through those rough patches.

He knew in-spite of my progress I wasn’t 100% comfortable that would never happen again.  He pulled the car over so he could take my hand and look me in the eyes.  He told me that he loved me so much and promised he would never do that to me.  He told me that he loved only me and there was no one else in this world for him. He had found everything in me and our relationship that’s he’s ever wanted.  

• Unfortunately, he could mean that all at the time, and yet something underneath it was aching, or gnawing at him, or hiding in the bushes, waiting for life to open a vulnerable door and let itself in. At this point, given his actions (not only the cheating, but the ending of the relationship on his part) you need to go No Contact and move on. People cheat (it happens) and they fess up and the couple can work on it and stay together. Not saying it happens a lot and not saying it should happen, but people don't go running from one relationship to another like that if they're emotionally fulfilled, balanced, mature, etc.
• I can understand your pain OP. My parents and grandmother (who lived with us growing up) threatened abandonment on each other and even me as a child when they fought. And the fights were always initially over the stupidest, most immature, most inane things. I've therefore clung to people - friends, relationships, even other family members, because I was afraid of losing people. And I was not encourage to follow my passions or given direction or affirmation as growing up so I've stuck around with people when I knew deep down, I wasn't following my dreams or passions or exploring my hobbies, and was capable - if I could face the loneliness - of building my own life with the kind of people I want to be in it! So - you need to make sure you give your inner child (look up some stuff on the psychology of that) a lot of love and attention for the next few months or however long it takes - to make sure you don't close off, shut down, etc.
• Moving forward, when you're healthy and ready for a relationship in the future - while words are great - look for a man with actions. Look for a man that's had his own heartbreak, shares what he did wrong trying to fix it, and how he found peace. Again, there's no guarantees in life. But....real men won't do that to you. 

 We had a good relationship and he was great at expressing his love to me.  We were good at expressing our love to each other. 

• And don't lose that in your life and in your next relationship! But...he wasn't expressing his deepest need/fear or else he wouldn't have cheated. And again, that's 115% on him and not you.
   

Fast forward one month....... comes the email one Monday evening.  Not only did he do the one thing that was my biggest fear but the very sudden breakup but he added insult to injury by cheating on me.  He said he did (past tense)love me with his whole heart and it was really about him and not me.  We exchanged some texts that night and then I was done.  

• Take him and his words at face value because it's the truth - it's 115.5% about him!

 He didn’t even give us a chance to work on anything!   I don’t understand at all but I have accepted that I won’t.  He did offer to give me his “theories” but he would have to talk about the other women.  I said no that would not be helpful to me.  

• Smart woman! And that's exactly the point - people don't understand what true love and a meaningful relationship is about. It's not all bells and whistles, hot sex, or lovey-dovey feelings. It's about building a life together and managing what comes down the road at you in life, TOGETHER. And that most especially includes the feelings and thoughts we have as individuals. He's either immature or he didn't have good parents with a healthy relationship growing up. Look for that next time. And if he didn't have good parents with a good relationship, then make sure he's done the work on himself to become a good partner and a good man. 

I fight everyday to not blame myself and fight the feeling that something is so wrong with me that I can’t be loved.  I want to heal and I want to be able to trust in future relationships, but today it just hurts so bad.  

 

• Don't fight the feelings. Not saying let your ego blame you - but the anger, the grief, the tears, the screams, the loneliness, the whatever - embrace them. Pour yourself into them 100% and do not be afraid of the dark. Because the only way to move from one day to another is to go through the night. Glad to hear you're going to do some therapy. Use that, close and trusted friends/family, journaling, etc. to help you move forward.

Stay strong and most importantly over the next few months  - love yourself!

[Resetmb2020]

Thank you so much for your response.  It’s wanted I needed today.  I am determined to work on me.  I don’t think I will give up on love in the future but I know I have to work on being able to trust someone again.  I don’t have the best track record choosing men.  He did reach out again the other day to apologize again.  I didn’t respond.  There’s nothing else to say.  The one thing I do feel good about is the partner I was to him.  Not a perfect one but a very good one.  I hope I set the bar high for the women he left me for.   Yep, I’m still at the point I want him to regret it.  I will probably never know.  It’s ok I won’t care someday.  
Thanks again!