Afterwards. if you could do ONE thing different.

[2BGoodAgain]

After the relationship, the marriage, the affair, the friends w/benefits, the flings, the hook ups, the break-up, the get back together again for 1 night, the words said... what ONE thing would you do differently???

[AIJ]

I would've ended it the second I had that gut feeling her feelings were starting to tail off. Would've saved me a lot of time and money amongst other things. 

[balin]

I would have asked her out the when I felt the spark, immediately  

Edited February 13, 2020 by balin

[scooby-philly]

I've had 3 ltrs and 2 mid-term relationships. In chronological order:

First LTR - actually got engage - I would have never moved in and I would have not gotten serious with her. We were seriously incompatible and I wasn't comfortable being myself and definitely wasn't valued and definitely didn't get my intimacy and affection needs met. But I was inexperienced.

First short-term - Nothing. I handled it well. But I should have realized I was a bounce-back or rebound for her sooner

Second LTR - run like hell after 3 months. Seriously - was a undiagnosed psychopath, and other women called her that too. I don't know what the hell I was thinking

Second short-term - I would have run the minute I did a huge favor for her (or actually started to try to do it) and she was impatient, rude, and entitled

Last LTR - left at 7 months. She was younger and her parents didn't want her dating till her entire education was complete. So...when she threatened abandonment and acted out on our first vacation/trip together - I should have put an ultimatum out there

[Mrin]

Two things:

1. I would have said no 15 months ago when she asked me to take her back again 

2. And if I didn't do that I would have not lashed out at her the evening we ended it

That's really about it. 

[Silver_star]

I would not have cried so much in front of him and been that vulnerable. 

[andytuotuo]

Would have been strong and be myself. 

[K.K.]

I wouldn’t have changed one thing. 

Not even with the more difficult ones that made me want to die. 

When I’m old and wrinkled and gray, and lay drooling all over myself in some nursing home ... and if dementia hasn’t already stolen my mind, I know that I’ll still get a thrill and a pounding heart, looking back on all of the love that I’ve been lucky enough to have had and live through. 

I wouldn’t have changed even one thing. 

[The Outlaw]

I would have chunked her number in the garbage where it belonged in the first place. It would have saved me a lot of pain in the end. 

[crazycanuck86]

Not a thing, My Ex and I were toxic for each other but in the end I learned some harsh truths about myself and now I'm focusing on doing what's best for me and focusing on making my life better.

[Berteau]

Communicated my feelings better.

[scooby-philly]

Yeah - I would have left your sorry ass in Florida the first time you acted up and acted like a 12 yr old. I mean seriously....it will be 6 months this coming Friday. You ran away without even having the balls to face me. After I was there when you had no friends to open up to, when you had no family you could be yourself around, when you had NO ONE to cry to about your frustrations, your fears, your worries. Crying in my car. And then you run - for no reason other than that's your nature. You run, maybe, because for once in my life I let my guard down and let myself be needy for a bit. And really - I'm not perfect and I know there were times I said or did the wrong thing - but truly, honestly - I couldn't have been any better for you. And you threaten to abandon men and leave during vacation - which I paid for mind you - because I wanted to clean the condo development's pool so we could us it? Okay - yeah - that's my one thing - see you for who you truly are. And dump your sorry ass at that point.

[snowboy91]

Treated it like my first serious relationship rather than the only one I would have ever have - that is, knowing it would end at some point and end it a lot sooner than I did.

It was a 6 year relationship that should have only lasted 4 at a stretch.

[vla1120]

I'm not sure how to put this into words, but I will try. I have recently come to the realization that in my first 32-year marriage, I did not always treat my husband as "lovingly and respectfully" as I could have. While this would not have been a good enough excuse for him to find comfort in another woman's arms (and we tried MC many times), I think there were ways I could have been a more supportive wife, shown him the affection and admiration he craved (and deserved), and maybe saved our marriage.

[scooby-philly]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

I'm not sure how to put this into words, but I will try. I have recently come to the realization that in my first 32-year marriage, I did not always treat my husband as "lovingly and respectfully" as I could have. While this would not have been a good enough excuse for him to find comfort in another woman's arms (and we tried MC many times), I think there were ways I could have been a more supportive wife, shown him the affection and admiration he craved (and deserved), and maybe saved our marriage.

You can't blame yourself completely. I believe, or I hope, we're coming to such a better understanding of love and relationships thanks to science. Sure, you could have been more supportive and affectionate. But he could have been more upfront about his needs and also worked with you to get them met by you. And remember - people are the products of their families, upbringing, experiences, and just life. I think we need to come up with new paradigms for relationships. I think, given our cultures obsession with "perfection", our inability to talk about certain things, and our focus on "living the perfect life" - that we need to focus more on our emotional and mental health. Someone in your shoes 10 years from now may realize after 1 or 2 years together - hey - this guy is wonderful but needs X and I can't give it to him. And you can't blame yourself for the relationship failing either. It takes two people to make a relationship work (or fall apart). I can't believe what you may be feeling after 32 years...my longest relationship has been 2.5 years....don't beat yourself up and remember, he made choices too!

I think for me the overarching lesson of my life and my relationship mistakes has been - be myself, love myself, find someone who loves me (and not the idea of being in love), and who gives as much as I do and can satisfy my needs (when it comes to a relationship).

[primer]

I wouldn't have let him convince me to take him back the first time.

[spiritedaway2003]

4 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I'm not sure how to put this into words, but I will try. I have recently come to the realization that in my first 32-year marriage, I did not always treat my husband as "lovingly and respectfully" as I could have. While this would not have been a good enough excuse for him to find comfort in another woman's arms (and we tried MC many times), I think there were ways I could have been a more supportive wife, shown him the affection and admiration he craved (and deserved), and maybe saved our marriage.

I think it's an amazing realization. It takes two to tangle in a relationship.  When a relationship ends, a lot of people tend to look for what's wrong with the other person.  Yes, it may very well be true that the other person could be more at fault, but it's also an opportunity to look inwards and our own shortcomings too.

[Beachead]

On 2/13/2020 at 3:46 PM, 2BGoodAgain said:

After the relationship, the marriage, the affair, the friends w/benefits, the flings, the hook ups, the break-up, the get back together again for 1 night, the words said... what ONE thing would you do differently???

This isn't much of an answer I know, but long after my breakups, the only thing I feel is there is nothing I could do differently.  I ultimately did what I wanted to do back then and I chose what I believed in my heart to be the best decision for me at that time.  Ergo, there was no other version of me I could have been because I was my best self at that time..even if my best self was plagued of problems and mistakes.   In the end, I had to make the mistakes I'd make, to get to where I am now in order to turn some very crippling weaknesses into strengths..and that was vital to my survival.  There was no other way I could get this done.  

So the life experience from my failure and and struggle is invaluable and it affords me a certain clarity and confidence in my decisions going forward.  Without my past, I wouldn't have that.  I apply that to every aspect of my life today.  And no I'm not perfect now..I'll never be.  I'll continue to make mistakes but I'll learn from them just as I did back then.  I will make my adjustments and I will continue to improve or try to.  

That's just how I see it now.

- Beach

Edited February 27, 2020 by Beachead

[Piddy]

Two years after my worst breakup, she called and want to see me and get back together.  I told her no and that I had moved on.  I now wished I had talked to her.  I didn't know it then, but decades later I realized I needed closure.  I'd do that over.

And maybe had a threesome (me and 2 girls)  Me and another girl went to a swingers house one time and saw a lot of stuff that looked like fun, but didn't partake.  I'd like a do over with that.

  Also,  when I was doing Locksmith work for my father back when I was in my late teens to early 20's I had several occasions where older women came onto me at their homes.  Only took one up on it, but we knew each other.  

Other than that, no regrets.

[LuckyM]

Good question, that depends on each rel'ship.

In general, I would man up to talking about the sex with her.

Communicating what went right  and wrong. If wrong, why?

I would not assume that she is satisfied and will return.

[KissingFire]

I know this is a little bit dark but I am in the mood for venting.... I would have left the first time he hit me.

The first time he ever put his hands on me was his birthday and I had decided to take him away for the night at a plush hotel. We got drunk, had a great time, laughing, enjoying each other's company... Then I spilled water on his pillow. He hit the roof. He battered me for being so careless. Called me fat, ugly, useless, stupid... He told me he went to sleep that night thinking of all the ways he could kill me and get away with it. He dropped to his knees the morning after and cried to me, blaming the alcohol and begging for forgiveness and I believed him like a fool. I had been with him over a year at this point and he had never touched me... I stayed for another year in complete misery. Once he knew I'd forgive him, it was the green light to do it whenever he wanted. My life was chaos, but it was my chaos. I didn't know how to live without him. When he left me for another woman, I cried for days, not knowing what to do with myself. I did love him in a way, he wasn't a monster all the time, but it wasn't real love. It was just an addiction. A need I had to fix him and prove to the world that I could take a broken man and make him better. I know now that this was always a fantasy, and the small slithers of good he had somewhere deep inside of him were long corrupted and withered away before I met him. He will always be a violent thug, no matter how charming and charismatic he appeared to other people. No matter which sob story he used to justify why busting my lip was the right thing to do because I had the nerve to answer him back.

 I am now free from him, and have been for nearly a year and a half. I know nothing of his life anymore, other than that he battered a woman in public just before Christmas. My partner was one of the police officers sent to deal with him. I feel sorry for my ex's current partner, apparently from whispers on the grapevine, she has stood by him through all of this. She is protecting him. She is allowing him to live in her home. I want to reach out to her and tell her to leave, that it's okay, he fooled me as well and his ex before me... I want to tell her that I'm sorry I never reported him to the police, maybe I could have saved her?... I am sure he hurt his ex before me as well, but I don't know who she is, and I never want to be involved in anything to do with that wretched beasts' life ever again. The last I heard was that it was being taken to court and he could get about 2 years for GBH. Not sure he'll get that as my partner said he claimed he doesn't remember it due to alcohol/drugs and the judge might show leniency. I hope he gets his karma. He always acted so big and tough, saying he'd make everyone his b*tch in prison. I hope he gets the chance to prove it.

I'm sorry... I know I've prattled on a bit, but I truly do believe that if I hadn't have gone through what I went through with my ex, I'd have never met my gorgeous, protective boyfriend who is the absolute love of my life. I am happy now. My life is everything I had ever wanted for myself. I help others, I have achieved my dream career, I have ticked off many things on my bucket list. Life is good for me. For him? Well, it is obviously not that great if he gets himself doped up on weekends so much so that he can knock a random woman's tooth out completely unprovoked. I hope he gets what's coming to him. It will be the justice I never got. 

Edited March 12, 2020 by KissingFire

[simpycurious]

On 3/11/2020 at 7:58 PM, KissingFire said:

I know this is a little bit dark but I am in the mood for venting.... I would have left the first time he hit me.

The first time he ever put his hands on me was his birthday and I had decided to take him away for the night at a plush hotel. We got drunk, had a great time, laughing, enjoying each other's company... Then I spilled water on his pillow. He hit the roof. He battered me for being so careless. Called me fat, ugly, useless, stupid... He told me he went to sleep that night thinking of all the ways he could kill me and get away with it. He dropped to his knees the morning after and cried to me, blaming the alcohol and begging for forgiveness and I believed him like a fool. I had been with him over a year at this point and he had never touched me... I stayed for another year in complete misery. Once he knew I'd forgive him, it was the green light to do it whenever he wanted. My life was chaos, but it was my chaos. I didn't know how to live without him. When he left me for another woman, I cried for days, not knowing what to do with myself. I did love him in a way, he wasn't a monster all the time, but it wasn't real love. It was just an addiction. A need I had to fix him and prove to the world that I could take a broken man and make him better. I know now that this was always a fantasy, and the small slithers of good he had somewhere deep inside of him were long corrupted and withered away before I met him. He will always be a violent thug, no matter how charming and charismatic he appeared to other people. No matter which sob story he used to justify why busting my lip was the right thing to do because I had the nerve to answer him back.

 I am now free from him, and have been for nearly a year and a half. I know nothing of his life anymore, other than that he battered a woman in public just before Christmas. My partner was one of the police officers sent to deal with him. I feel sorry for my ex's current partner, apparently from whispers on the grapevine, she has stood by him through all of this. She is protecting him. She is allowing him to live in her home. I want to reach out to her and tell her to leave, that it's okay, he fooled me as well and his ex before me... I want to tell her that I'm sorry I never reported him to the police, maybe I could have saved her?... I am sure he hurt his ex before me as well, but I don't know who she is, and I never want to be involved in anything to do with that wretched beasts' life ever again. The last I heard was that it was being taken to court and he could get about 2 years for GBH. Not sure he'll get that as my partner said he claimed he doesn't remember it due to alcohol/drugs and the judge might show leniency. I hope he gets his karma. He always acted so big and tough, saying he'd make everyone his b*tch in prison. I hope he gets the chance to prove it.

I'm sorry... I know I've prattled on a bit, but I truly do believe that if I hadn't have gone through what I went through with my ex, I'd have never met my gorgeous, protective boyfriend who is the absolute love of my life. I am happy now. My life is everything I had ever wanted for myself. I help others, I have achieved my dream career, I have ticked off many things on my bucket list. Life is good for me. For him? Well, it is obviously not that great if he gets himself doped up on weekends so much so that he can knock a random woman's tooth out completely unprovoked. I hope he gets what's coming to him. It will be the justice I never got. 

That is one of the craziest stories that I have read on here.  FOR SPILLING WATER???? Not that it matters what the reason was or is.  I don't want to tell you what he really deserves but rest assured it would be quite the UNPLEASANT experience for him.  If I had a sister and someone touched her like that...it's good that I don't I guess.

I hope you are better now KissingFire and that you never get involved with a dude like that again

[Rex12]

Good for you KissingFire; you've turned it around & come out on top. Your ex is clearly psychotic and should rightly be incarcerated for his actions. 

On topic; with regards to my one serious LTR. I would have left her two years in when I first got the inkling she was a border line sociopath. Didn't have the nerve to follow it through, scarcity mindset. Plus I still loved her. 

Fast forward 9 years, she left me for someone else in spectacular fashion. Court cases, paternity issues the lot. 

Moral of the story, go with your gut. It isn't always right, you can make a mistake and strike out on someone too early who deserved a chance, but if you've been together for a decent amount of time & you know each other inside out, don't hang around hoping things will change & get better. It probably won't. 

[scooby-philly]

3 hours ago, Rex12 said:

Good for you KissingFire; you've turned it around & come out on top. Your ex is clearly psychotic and should rightly be incarcerated for his actions. 

On topic; with regards to my one serious LTR. I would have left her two years in when I first got the inkling she was a border line sociopath. Didn't have the nerve to follow it through, scarcity mindset. Plus I still loved her. 

Fast forward 9 years, she left me for someone else in spectacular fashion. Court cases, paternity issues the lot. 

Moral of the story, go with your gut. It isn't always right, you can make a mistake and strike out on someone too early who deserved a chance, but if you've been together for a decent amount of time & you know each other inside out, don't hang around hoping things will change & get better. It probably won't. 

I quoted you even though you were the last response because I wanted to highlight 3 very important things (IMHO).

 

1. I totally agree- I think we walk through life with a scarcity mindset in all aspects of our lives. And when it comes to love/relationships so many of us (especially on the boards here) "settle" for someone because...(insert a million reasons here). And I think we're also too judgmental and not empathetic enough and we don't really have a dating system that allows us to express that early on - meaning we miss out on some people or we end up with the wrong people because our expectations of how the first few dates/weeks/months should go are off and don't allow for healthy, open, honest communication and sharing of feelings. 

 

2. I love the analogy here. It is like baseball (or cricket for those of you from the Commonwealth). To hit a home run you need to time things just right. Sometimes we dismiss people too early. Sometimes we dismiss people too late. Sometimes we stretch to hit the ball and when we get a single we think it's "meant to be forever"....not realizing that we were way out of our "zone" to find something permanent there. 

3. 115% agree. You must love the person as they are NOW. That's what so many of us didn't realize at some point in our relationship(s). People do change. Even the most crudmugeon 85 year old was not that way at 50 or 30 or 18. The question is are you in love with them now and are they in love with you now in such a way that you can built a foundation together now so that in 10, 20, 30, 50 years as you and they change - you're still together because your roots are so strong and so intertwined that you are perfect as you are, they're as perfect as they are, and you're as perfect as you can be together as a couple. If you find yourself thinking, fantasizing, day dreaming, or praying that they would change somehow, you need to stop and ask yourself why you're thinking/feeling that. And it's not to say that you're perfect and they're imperfect. You're not and they're not. The question is and will always be - why are you here?

[preraph]

Some of my man problems could have been avoided if I just hadn't had roommates...