Religion and relationship?

[June2017]

I'm currently seeing a girl who I was friends with at my university before. I graduated in 2017 while shes in her final year now. We were never close and I was never attracted to her at all when we were friends. However, I had a change of place, went to the place where she was from and she assisted me in the process as I didnt know the language/place so we got close and started dating. 

Though the start of the dating was based on sex and making out. I was upset and frustrated over a setback my love life took a few months ago and I hadn't had sex in weeks. A few months before I moved to her city, I had fallen out with the love of my life. It was my fault but my ego was at its biggest so I was the one who quit the "relationship". My current GF was the first point of contact when I moved to her city. She was willing and was being helpful so I got into her. 

Initially, the sex was very frequent and awesome but slowly, it started to get a bit boring. Truth be told, our sex was actually never romantic. It was more like heated and then we would smoke or drink in between and do a bit more and fall asleep.

The thing is, our relationship has largely been long distance but we have made plans to meet up and go on holidays. While we have done that, I always felt that our connection lacks something which I cannot put my finger on. 
In contrast to my ex, I ve never felt the intense attraction for her. For my ex, I was attracted to her since the beginning. In her case, it wasnt. I dont think she feels it either as shes a bit cold in her attitude and behaviour in general, a bit bossy, considering shes from a very wealthy family. I suspect the only reason she liked me was that I'm popular among girls and women find me very attractive.

She is so wealthy that she doesnt need to work, hence she never goes to university unless there are political demonstrations which we are very active in. She rarely uses the library as well because shes always engaging in political protests around the city. 

Furthermore, I ve never seen her actually support me in anything. If I'm doing a research for a professor or if it's about my religion and issues surrounding certain aspects of it (I practised Judaism and have faced abuse due to it at times and shes Christian), theres 0 support.  I also worked at an NGO in her home town bit all she had to say was how great it was. 

Shes an active facebook user and tends to like a lot of pages related to her country, or things shes passionate about but she has never liked anything which has to do with my religion or the NGO (they have a FB with a massive following) . Only my mom and my ex have shown support for me through all these things.  

There have been situations where we have done things independent of each other and many times, our friends said that we dont look or act like a couple. I do put up pictures of us together on my WhatsApp account and so does she. She posted 1 pic of me with her and her grandma publicly on FB but I feel it does not symbolize anything.

Overall, I just find us together for the sake of being girlfriend and boyfriend. I also find it difficult to be myself considering she has rather staunch views on certain topics which I dont agree with. Whenever we have arguments, shes never the one to try to cheer me up or even try to sort out the differences. Unlike my ex who would make attempts to sort out the issue even if I would give her the silent treatment.

I was also FWB with a mutual friend of ours and shes still good friends with her. My FWB and I are no longer close or flirtatious as she found a BF too but my girlfriend is still good friends with her. Someone joked that they both compare my performance/d*ck on their own language etc.

Anyway, based on this, am I just wasting my time or does this relationship have any potential? Or was it just a void that was filled in during my trip to her city?

Shes 22 and I'm 24.

 

[preraph]

Doesn't sound like there's any reason to expect it to last.  I don't think either of you are in love.  Both of you are kind of professional protestors, but don't even agree.  I wouldn't make any commitments to her.  I wouldn't be exclusive.  

[June2017]

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

Doesn't sound like there's any reason to expect it to last.  I don't think either of you are in love.  Both of you are kind of professional protestors, but don't even agree.  I wouldn't make any commitments to her.  I wouldn't be exclusive.  

Do you think she is supportive? 

[preraph]

He says not.  To me she sounds like someone who may not actually have much substance that no one has required much of.  I mean, facing life's challenges does turn out a different sort of person than being so rich you don't have to do anything and therefore don't do anything.  I wonder if she even has enough real life experience to even take an informed stand on anything political, and yet she's a protester.  She may not actually be very substantive.  

[June2017]

Just now, preraph said:

He says not.  To me she sounds like someone who may not actually have much substance that no one has required much of.  I mean, facing life's challenges does turn out a different sort of person than being so rich you don't have to do anything and therefore don't do anything.  I wonder if she even has enough real life experience to even take an informed stand on anything political, and yet she's a protester.  She may not actually be very substantive.  

I agree with that. 

[June2017]

Any more opinions?

[preraph]

Find yourself an ambitious hard working woman who's kind and ticks your boxes . Don't waste your precious youth on someone who doesn't.  You can maybe still be just friends with her or just social media friends.  

[June2017]

23 minutes ago, preraph said:

Find yourself an ambitious hard working woman who's kind and ticks your boxes . Don't waste your precious youth on someone who doesn't.  You can maybe still be just friends with her or just social media friends.  

What would you say about her being supportive? I was told by a friend that I'm reaching and if she doesnt like anything that's associated with me on facebook, it is ok.  

 

Another thing was about our chemistry. she was one of the organizers at a remembrance event. Throughout the whole event, we did not stand together nor we spoke to each other. She helped a lady with translations on stage then stood with other people while I stood with other people. Later on after the event was finished we gave each other a really brief hug and I kissed her on the cheek. That was it and after that I just followed her around the event. 

Based on this, lot of people said we dont even share good chemistry. I brought this up again to my friend who shot it down saying its reaching.

[preraph]

Is she active on Facebook?  If so, sounds like she's trying NOT to look like she has a bf, maybe, but I am not on Facebook so not sure.  It doesn't sound like a very emotional attachment, just from what you've said, so I'd say she's not very supportive in general.  Does she ask about how you're doing and is she happy when you report some small success at school or work - or does she just seem detached and not all that invested?

[June2017]

21 minutes ago, preraph said:

Is she active on Facebook?  If so, sounds like she's trying NOT to look like she has a bf, maybe, but I am not on Facebook so not sure.  It doesn't sound like a very emotional attachment, just from what you've said, so I'd say she's not very supportive in general.  Does she ask about how you're doing and is she happy when you report some small success at school or work - or does she just seem detached and not all that invested?

Yes shes very active on facebook. Constantly liking new pages about things shes interested in.

Not really. Like the NGO I worked at. It was situated in her hometown but she never liked that page nor showed any interest. All she said was "great work, amazing" whenever I sent her pics of it. Nothing else.

What do you think of our chemistry? Like the interaction at the event which I was accused of reaching about?

[Lotsgoingon]

You are two people who were sorta friends and then you started to have sex together.

The sex was not some deeper manifestation of a serious relationship emerging. It was just sex among two young people with boiling hormones. 

Here's the thing: either a relationship feels REALLY right or it doesn't. This doesn't feel right to you. Therefore, it isn't right for you. 

So now, this isn't going anywhere. The only question is whether you'll have an official separation talk or whether you'll just go your separate ways. 

[ExpatInItaly]

She was your rebound and you have since discovered that you two are not compatible. 

You keep comparing her to your ex, which is telling. It sounds like you're still healing from that, which is normal, but not the right time to be dating. I personally would end it, really recover from your previous break-up, and then set about meeting a woman who more closely shares your values and mindset. You don't need your friend's endorsement to end something that you don't feel good about. 

Having said that, one thing that stood out to to me which I think you need a reality check on is this: "Unlike my ex who would make attempts to sort out the issue even if I would give her the silent treatment." I hope you have matured since then and no longer treat partners his way, and no longer expect a woman to pander to you when you behave like this. 

[June2017]

59 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She was your rebound and you have since discovered that you two are not compatible. 

You keep comparing her to your ex, which is telling. It sounds like you're still healing from that, which is normal, but not the right time to be dating. I personally would end it, really recover from your previous break-up, and then set about meeting a woman who more closely shares your values and mindset. You don't need your friend's endorsement to end something that you don't feel good about. 

Having said that, one thing that stood out to to me which I think you need a reality check on is this: "Unlike my ex who would make attempts to sort out the issue even if I would give her the silent treatment." I hope you have matured since then and no longer treat partners his way, and no longer expect a woman to pander to you when you behave like this. 

Why do you say she is my rebound?

 

I agree on that. I had really poor communication skills with my ex. I tend to bottle up my feelings as I have difficulty in expressing myself which led to the demise of our love.

I wasn't saying anything and she reckoned there was something wrong.

 

Though do you agree I'm reaching about the Facebook likes?

Edited February 8, 2020 by June2017

[June2017]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You are two people who were sorta friends and then you started to have sex together.

The sex was not some deeper manifestation of a serious relationship emerging. It was just sex among two young people with boiling hormones. 

Here's the thing: either a relationship feels REALLY right or it doesn't. This doesn't feel right to you. Therefore, it isn't right for you. 

So now, this isn't going anywhere. The only question is whether you'll have an official separation talk or whether you'll just go your separate ways. 

Right.

 

What do you think about her being supportive?

[June2017]

Any ideas?

[AIJ]

The fact that you're so concerned around her being supportive is pretty indicative that she quite clearly isn't supportive. Regardless, you aren't compatible anyway. Let this one go and move on.

[June2017]

15 minutes ago, AIJ said:

The fact that you're so concerned around her being supportive is pretty indicative that she quite clearly isn't supportive. Regardless, you aren't compatible anyway. Let this one go and move on.

Well I mentioned it, I was told I was reaching. So I'm looking for other perspectives. Based on what I ve written, do you think what I think or am I really reaching?

[Lotsgoingon]

I agree that this woman was your rebound. By rebound, I mean you hadn't really processed the feelings and hangover from the previous relationship ... and instead of going through a period of reflection, time alone, living life, letting go, making peace with the end of the previous relationship, you skipped all that process by getting involved with a new person. 

Rebound (getting involved in a new serious relationship when you're over the past one) is roughly akin to taking a drug when you're sad instead of experiencing the sadness and then working your way out of it. Rebound provides a short-term high, but there is always a crash ... usually quite quickly. The new relationship is basically an escape, not a real relationship rooted in two people gradually building a solid connection. 

 

 

Edited February 8, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[June2017]

20 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I agree that this woman was your rebound. By rebound, I mean you hadn't really processed the feelings and hangover from the previous relationship ... and instead of going through a period of reflection, time alone, living life, letting go, making peace with the end of the previous relationship, you skipped all that process by getting involved with a new person. 

Rebound (getting involved in a new serious relationship when you're over the past one) is roughly akin to taking a drug when you're sad instead of experiencing the sadness and then working your way out of it. Rebound provides a short-term high, but there is always a crash ... usually quite quickly. The new relationship is basically an escape, not a real relationship rooted in two people gradually building a solid connection. 

 

 

Thanks. I was really pissed and angry but I had decided to move on from her myself. After I landed in my girlfriend's city, I needed her help and I thought she was so much better and nicer than my ex.

However, the attraction was never really there.

In our case, other than rebound, what do you perceive it as? Do you think she is supportive and caring?

[preraph]

No, no one thinks she is supportive and caring.  Why are you obsessed with whether she's supportive?  If she was, you'd KNOW it.

[June2017]

19 minutes ago, preraph said:

No, no one thinks she is supportive and caring.  Why are you obsessed with whether she's supportive?  If she was, you'd KNOW it.

I guess I'm trying to feel better because the guy was rather passive aggressive with me when I told him that.

Even though he said we look like siblings than a romantic pair.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you have to ask if a relationship is supportive, then the answer is no.

But ... you're asking this question as if there is some objective answer. There isn't. We all define supportive differently. So the only question is, "Do YOU feeling fully and lovingly supported?" And if the answer is an immediate, top-of-your lungs shout of Eff Yes! ... then the answer is no.

And the reason for your feelings don't matter. A relationship has to feel supportive to both people. Period!

 

[June2017]

5 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If you have to ask if a relationship is supportive, then the answer is no.

But ... you're asking this question as if there is some objective answer. There isn't. We all define supportive differently. So the only question is, "Do YOU feeling fully and lovingly supported?" And if the answer is an immediate, top-of-your lungs shout of Eff Yes! ... then the answer is no.

And the reason for your feelings don't matter. A relationship has to feel supportive to both people. Period!

 

I know . The answer is not good when I ask myself. That's why I'm asking others if they agree with my feelings or they think I'm just reaching too much. I would just ask you what do you think?

[Lotsgoingon]

If you have to ask if someone is supportive the answer = no, they are no.

You are asking if this woman is supportive. Therefore the answer = no. 

[June2017]

7 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If you have to ask if someone is supportive the answer = no, they are no.

You are asking if this woman is supportive. Therefore the answer = no. 

.. Do you also believe we are an odd match? I mentioned one of our interactions in the comments above as well.