Never thought I'd be here.

[S2B]

Did she move? You need to call his wife and see what’s really going on!

seriously, if it’s over with them you tell him you need to talk to her.

[Husbandssecret]

On 4/19/2020 at 1:23 AM, S2B said:

Did she move? You need to call his wife and see what’s really going on!

seriously, if it’s over with them you tell him you need to talk to her.

So she apparently moved this weekend. I told him that if it’s really done I wanted to try to verify so he told me to come over. I expected things to be gone, it is a little odd because it doesn’t look like really anything is missing. He said they bought her all new furniture. It’s odd to me because it looks like she’s just gone on vacation with the kids. I dk what to think. I sort of feel like he’s lying to me but then again I dk what he has to gain because I would eventually find out if she really didn’t move out? I dk, I could certainly try to talk to her but I’ve always leaned towards keeping her out of it because I never wanted it to negatively impact the kids. What are some of your thoughts? 

[Allupinnit]

She moved the kids out of the house with NO furniture?  LOL yeah right!

Come on, @Husbandssecret- he's not even GOOD at lying.  What happened to the apartment he apparently is paying rent to?  She probably DID take the kids to her parents' house to get away from him.  LOL. 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life having this guy coming at you with "proof" of his lies that all amount to a pile of crap?  

[pepperbird]

On 4/16/2020 at 12:11 AM, Husbandssecret said:

Agree with that for sure! I’m trying to determine if he’s a good partner now. I feel so confused and like I’m trying to determine if this is even what I want anymore. Now that we’re at the “end” I actually feel more anxious than happy. And I think it’s because I know deep down he hasn’t treated me right at all in this. 

I think that when we're in a bad relationship, we all start to ignore our gut instincts. After a while, it gets to be really easy. We convince ourselves we're wrong, make excuses, etc. when we really should listen to that inner voice.
It sounds like you are starting to listen to yours. What is it telling you?

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Husbandssecret said:

So she apparently moved this weekend. I told him that if it’s really done I wanted to try to verify so he told me to come over. I expected things to be gone, it is a little odd because it doesn’t look like really anything is missing. He said they bought her all new furniture. It’s odd to me because it looks like she’s just gone on vacation with the kids. I dk what to think. I sort of feel like he’s lying to me but then again I dk what he has to gain because I would eventually find out if she really didn’t move out? I dk, I could certainly try to talk to her but I’ve always leaned towards keeping her out of it because I never wanted it to negatively impact the kids. What are some of your thoughts? 

That horse left the barn so long ago it's three counties over by now.
In other words, they've already been impacted.

As for her leaving him? I can;t say whether he's lying or not, but what kind of a father would do this? " sorry honey that our marriage is over. Why don't you yank the kids up from their home and all their belongings and go somewhere else and I'll stay here".
That would be a pretty  crappy thing to do on his part.
 

Edited April 20, 2020 by pepperbird

[Husbandssecret]

28 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

That horse left the barn so long ago it's three counties over by now.
In other words, they've already been impacted.

As for her leaving him? I can;t say whether he's lying or not, but what kind of a father would do this? " sorry honey that our marriage is over. Why don't you yank the kids up from their home and all their belongings and go somewhere else and I'll stay here".
That would be a pretty  crappy thing to do on his part.
 

That’s the point. His house is the “primary home” for the kids which is why it looks like nothing was moved. The only “proof” I have is that he’s able to have me over without sneaking me in and out. I parked in the driveway, I walked in the front door. So he’s either gotten more risky and dumb when it comes to not hiding me and is lying to me, or she moved out, or there’s more going on. As for her taking the kids somewhere, she could definitely have taken them to a friends house or something. Hard to believe during the orders to stay home but who knows. He said that she just moved out and is living in the apartment that he previously showed me rent was paid on from their account. 

[Husbandssecret]

59 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

She moved the kids out of the house with NO furniture?  LOL yeah right!

Come on, @Husbandssecret- he's not even GOOD at lying.  What happened to the apartment he apparently is paying rent to?  She probably DID take the kids to her parents' house to get away from him.  LOL. 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life having this guy coming at you with "proof" of his lies that all amount to a pile of crap?  

Supposedly they bought a bunch of new furniture for the new place as to not disrupt the primary home for the kids. 

[Husbandssecret]

41 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

I think that when we're in a bad relationship, we all start to ignore our gut instincts. After a while, it gets to be really easy. We convince ourselves we're wrong, make excuses, etc. when we really should listen to that inner voice.
It sounds like you are starting to listen to yours. What is it telling you?

Yesss so true but I’m at the point that I’ve not trusted my gut so long that I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel so confused. My gut says I need to just get out of this mess and have a fresh start but the damn “promise” of being with someone I connect with so deeply seems within my grasp and it’s making me second guess everything. One could argue trust is not there which is necessary for a relationship and so therefore the relationship isn’t something I need to keep chasing. I’ve convinced myself that I need this big “Epiphany” like to catch him in a lie or something big for me to feel like it’s over. But basically it’s been a death of our relationship by a thousand cuts with all the mind f****** I’ve endured over the years. 

[BaileyB]

My partner divorced his ex-wife, he bought her out of the house because he wanted to stay in the house as the “primary residence” for his son. They share custody 50-50 but he wanted to maintain the stability of “the family home” for his son - for lots of reasons, not the least of which being that his ex-wife has some pretty significant mental health issues.

Anyway... he kept the house but she took... half of the furniture. All of the dishes. Half of the photos. All of the towels. The outdoor furniture (even though she now loves in an apartment). Do you see what I’m saying...

I respect that fact that they may be trying to keep consistency for the children, assuming they have indeed separated. But, to expect one spouse to move out, for her to take none of the furniture, and for him to stay in the “primary residence” with the children... this man who has been carrying on an extramarital affair in his spare time... that seems pretty unfair, don’t you think?

I don’t believe for a moment that they are on the path to divorce. Perhaps, she went to visit her mother for a while (even during the time of Covid). But seriously, I don’t know where you live but where I live - stores are closed. How did they manage to buy all new furniture, household items, and move this woman into an apartment during what is essentially, a period of lockdown? The logistics seem unrealistic. The ethics seem questionable, perhaps downright despicable.

Edited April 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[Husbandssecret]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

My partner divorced his ex-wife, he bought her out of the house because he wanted to stay in the house as the “primary residence” for his son. They share custody 50-50 but he wanted to maintain the stability of “the family home” for his son - for lots of reasons, not the least of which being that his ex-wife has some pretty significant mental health issues.

Anyway... he kept the house but she took... half of the furniture. All of the dishes. Half of the photos. All of the towels. The outdoor furniture (even though she now loves in an apartment). Do you see what I’m saying...

I respect that fact that they may be trying to keep consistency for the children, assuming they have indeed separated. But, to expect one spouse to move out, for her to take none of the furniture, and for him to stay in the “primary residence” with the children... this man who has been carrying on an extramarital affair in his spare time... that seems pretty unfair, don’t you think?

I don’t believe for a moment that they are on the path to divorce. Perhaps, she went to visit her mother for a while (even during the time of Covid). But seriously, I don’t know where you live but where I live - stores are closed. How did they manage to buy all new furniture, household items, and move this woman into an apartment during what is essentially, a period of lockdown? The logistics seem unrealistic. The ethics seem questionable, perhaps downright despicable.

I’m purely speculating because I don’t know what the home normally looks like but it just looked fully lived in which made me question if I could trust him or not about the move. He claims that pictures are gone and board games were split even (Weird I know) but honestly it looked like a normal amount of things in the house. There’s no shortage of pictures. He weirdly had me avoid the master bedroom and bathroom (which makes me think that things aren’t moved out like he claims). They have had the place/plan for her to move since feb (before all of this hit) and I recently moved myself so its definitely possible to go on with moving and getting furniture if you had planned for it before the pandemic. There are websites like wayfair etc that deliver furniture and she supposedly did something like that. I totally agree with you. That’s why I feel so torn! All of this could be true what he is telling me, but it could also be a huge lie which is what I’m trying to protect myself from. I ended things with him in February and now she’s suddenly moved out?? Why did it take over 4 years for you to start the process but the second I say I’m done with this you’re able to have her out within 2 months. That’s another thing that gets me. I WANT to believe him, but I don’t. The nature of his dishonesty to start/carry this relationship, the length of time, and how this all has been handled has now piled up and makes me question my whole relationship with him. 

[BaileyB]

I understand, you’ve invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship... it must be hard to consider walking away now, when it appears that you are so close to getting what you want.

BUT, don’t you deserve a life partner who you can say definitively, without hesitation, doesn’t live with another woman? Someone who invites you into his bedroom, encourages you to keep a toothbrush in his bathroom, wants you to sleep in his bed and wake next to him in the morning...

He invited you to his house, byut would not let you see the two rooms that are most likely to have her belongings - her clothes in the closet, he toiletries in the bathroom...

The fact that you say - he could be telling the truth, but I just don’t believe him, I can’t believe him... tells me that you have a problem here. A relationship is nothing without trust. He has abused your trust so many times, for so long now... when does it end? How are you just expected to move forward, as if none of this had happened?

Dare I say it, but you are RIGHT not to trust a man who has lied to you repeatedly for years, who is STIll hiding things from you... Your protective instincts exist for good reason, listen to them.

Edited April 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[salparadise]

17 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said:

Why did it take over 4 years for you to start the process but the second I say I’m done with this you’re able to have her out within 2 months. That’s another thing that gets me. I WANT to believe him, but I don’t. The nature of his dishonesty to start/carry this relationship, the length of time, and how this all has been handled has now piled up and makes me question my whole relationship with him. 

I think you need to take more time so that you can get in touch with your own thoughts and emotions. If you really don't trust him anymore, then where does that leave you? If you take time to get clarity, which will give him time (and motivation) to get the divorce underway, those are objectives are in alignment. You can do things in your own interest, on your own schedule. My guess is that with the resentment you're voicing now, it's time to figure out where you are without his noise jamming the signal.

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Husbandssecret said:

That’s the point. His house is the “primary home” for the kids which is why it looks like nothing was moved. The only “proof” I have is that he’s able to have me over without sneaking me in and out. I parked in the driveway, I walked in the front door. So he’s either gotten more risky and dumb when it comes to not hiding me and is lying to me, or she moved out, or there’s more going on. As for her taking the kids somewhere, she could definitely have taken them to a friends house or something. Hard to believe during the orders to stay home but who knows. He said that she just moved out and is living in the apartment that he previously showed me rent was paid on from their account. 

yeah, I;m not buying his excuses. What kind of parent uproot their kids like that? If he cared at all, he would have insisted they stay and he move.

Edited April 20, 2020 by pepperbird

[Husbandssecret]

4 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

yeah, I;m not buying his excuses. What kind of parent uproot their kids like that? If he cared at all, he would have insisted they stay and he move.

The kids did stay. But they also have to still have a relationship with their mother so technically all of their things are still at his house and they just spent the night at her place. Parents can be equally invested and it’s a little outdated to think that the mother takes the children everywhere she goes. Fathers can have primary custody too, they can be equally involved. I do believe if they were to move on with a D that this is how things would go but for some reason I’m not sure she actually moved out. I don’t know that he’s a “monster”. I’m all in my head about this. On one end I can understand/believe him, on the other I could see this as being something he lied about. The fact I have to even question it I feel like demonstrates that we aren’t really bullet proof like I once thought. 

 

[Husbandssecret]

24 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I think you need to take more time so that you can get in touch with your own thoughts and emotions. If you really don't trust him anymore, then where does that leave you? If you take time to get clarity, which will give him time (and motivation) to get the divorce underway, those are objectives are in alignment. You can do things in your own interest, on your own schedule. My guess is that with the resentment you're voicing now, it's time to figure out where you are without his noise jamming the signal.

I agree. I’ve always thought a break for him to sort out his divorce and for Me to sort out some of the damage this has done was the best bet. And maybe I just need to tell him to leave me be for a bit again. I tried that back in February and I stopped seeing him but of course the contact continued and I never completely got a break to just reflect on what I want. He’s always there in the background chirping away anything he needs to say for us to end up together because that’s what he thinks is best for him. On Saturday when she was “moving out” he tried to get me to make plans to spend the night with him. I told him I could be there to support him but didn’t want our first night “together” to be clouded by her leaving. It just felt icky to me. He got so mad and said he’s done with me not supporting him (because I had refused to see him until I saw things were moving forward with his divorce) and basically ended things/hung up on me. Then later he sent me this text that was dramatic, something like he didn’t want the last text he sent me to say “ok”. I didn’t respond and then later he apologized and said he had been stressed. I chalked it up to having a tough weekend emotionally. And then he sort of went right back to acting like things are normal. To me I think he can’t really be in an “in between” with me. He wants me all in or not at all. I can’t give him all in at this point which I’ve tried explaining. Ugh I just hate this. 

[BaileyB]

“technically all of their things are still at his house and they just spent the night at her place.”

Respectfully, that makes no sense. They left all their things in their home, they just sleep when they go to their mothers new apartment. I know, it’s a new apartment, a new arrangement. But think critically about this, would you ever accept this as a spouse? Would you ever make this decision for your children? It’s so unbalanced. I can’t imagine children accepting this kind of situation. Yes, parents can and do share custody all the time... but this is just so far fetched...

Edited April 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

My quotes are not working on my phone...

“I tried that back in February and I stopped seeing him but of course the contact continued and I never completely got a break to just reflect on what I want. He’s always there in the background chirping away anything he needs to say...”

In other words, your feelings and your needs don’t matter. He doesn’t respect your wishes when you ask him for space.

“On Saturday when she was “moving out” he tried to get me to make plans to spend the night with him. I told him I could be there to support him but didn’t want our first night “together” to be clouded by her leaving. It just felt icky to me.”

Ick, ick, ick... ick, ick. He wanted you to sleep in her bed when she was not there. Ick!! IF she did move out, he didn’t want to spend even one night alone - he wanted you in her bed. Ick!!!

“He got so mad and said he’s done with me not supporting him (because I had refused to see him until I saw things were moving forward with his divorce) and basically ended things/hung up on me.”

Again, you are not allowed to voice your own opinion. It’s his way or the highway, and when you have a different opinion, “you are not supporting him,” he looses his cool, and then punishes you by not talking to you.

Yeah - It’s not hard to understand why she may just have moved out and left everything. It seems a small price to pay for freedom...

Edited April 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

“technically all of their things are still at his house and they just spent the night at her place.”

Respectfully, that makes no sense. They left all their things in their home, they just sleep when they go to their mothers new apartment. I know, it’s a new apartment, a new arrangement. But think critically about this, would you ever accept this as a spouse? Would you ever make this decision for your children? It’s so unbalanced. I can’t imagine children accepting this kind of situation. Yes, parents can and do share custody all the time... but this is just so far fetched...

I keep thinking back to when my kids were younger and all the paraphernalia they had to seem to drag with them everywhere they went. I can't see kids being happy with their belongings left behind. There's something so disrespectful  to the OP about this guy inviting her  over while his wife's and kids things are all still there. It's as if he's trying to swap one woman for another.

[Husbandssecret]

Just now, pepperbird said:

I keep thinking back to when my kids were younger and all the paraphernalia they had to seem to drag with them everywhere they went. I can't see kids being happy with their belongings left behind. There's something so disrespectful  to the OP about this guy inviting her  over while his wife's and kids things are all still there. It's as if he's trying to swap one woman for another.

THANK YOU!!!! I told him I felt like an imposter. It was definitely uncomfortable. He didn’t understand why I felt weird but it makes me feel better that others see it the same way. 

[pepperbird]

1 minute ago, Husbandssecret said:

THANK YOU!!!! I told him I felt like an imposter. It was definitely uncomfortable. He didn’t understand why I felt weird but it makes me feel better that others see it the same way. 

I read one time then when you're feeling confused, you should trust your gut feelings. What are yours telling you?

[Husbandssecret]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

My quotes are not working on my phone...

“I tried that back in February and I stopped seeing him but of course the contact continued and I never completely got a break to just reflect on what I want. He’s always there in the background chirping away anything he needs to say...”

In other words, your feelings and your needs don’t matter. He doesn’t respect your wishes when you ask him for space.

“On Saturday when she was “moving out” he tried to get me to make plans to spend the night with him. I told him I could be there to support him but didn’t want our first night “together” to be clouded by her leaving. It just felt icky to me.”

Ick, ick, ick... ick, ick. He wanted you to sleep in her bed when she was not there. Ick!! IF she did move out, he didn’t want to spend even one night alone - he wanted you in her bed. Ick!!!

“He got so mad and said he’s done with me not supporting him (because I had refused to see him until I saw things were moving forward with his divorce) and basically ended things/hung up on me.”

Again, you are not allowed to voice your own opinion. It’s his way or the highway, and when you have a different opinion, “you are not supporting him,” he looses his cool, and then punishes you by not talking to you.

Yeah - It’s not hard to understand why she may just have moved out and left everything. It seems a small price to pay for freedom...

Yeah no kidding he literally could not be alone for one night. One would think a huge life event like a separation and kids having their first night away is a night to just spend to yourself but he didn’t want it that way at all. When I told him no to Saturday but I could stop by Sunday she ended up not leaving Saturday because “kids were having a tough time.” So the night I spent with him ended up (against my wishes and knowing until I got there) being the first night he was on his own. 
 

Him throwing a fit about me not wanting to spend the first night alone with him was weird. It felt gross like he was swapping her for me, and it felt like he was being completely codependent.

[Husbandssecret]

3 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

I read one time then when you're feeling confused, you should trust your gut feelings. What are yours telling you?

Honestly? Mine is telling me that she got out in a hurry because SHE needed it, not him. And now that she’s gone he’s clinging onto me for dear life. 

[lifeoflies]

On 2/13/2020 at 6:25 PM, elaine567 said:

This man is a cake eater.

Really now.  that's all he is?  I hope you are writing this way to knock some sense into her head.

[ToxicAngel]

I was in a similar situation years ago. He was leaving as soon as his sons wedding was done. Then it was something else and on and on. After a few years I realized it was never gonna happen and I had gotten to where I no longer cared. I got out of the relationship and it was the best thing I ever did. I have a wonderful man now. Treats me like a queen. He loves and respects me and I him. The way a relationship should be. I will never get sucked into a relationship with another married man claiming his marriage is over. 

You should move on. It will make you feel better about yourself. You could be missing out on the true love of your life right now. 

[BaileyB]

“I keep thinking back to when my kids were younger and all the paraphernalia they had to seem to drag with them everywhere they went.”

My niece used to come for a sleepover... She would always make me laugh because she would arrive with a suitcase, full of stuffed animals, books, her favourite toys and games... When they get older, I imagine it’s clothes that they want. I don’t see kids going to “sleep” somewhere where they do not have any of their stuff, their clothes, their homework, their toys, their bed.