pepperbird Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Husbandssecret said: That’s the point. His house is the “primary home” for the kids which is why it looks like nothing was moved. The only “proof” I have is that he’s able to have me over without sneaking me in and out. I parked in the driveway, I walked in the front door. So he’s either gotten more risky and dumb when it comes to not hiding me and is lying to me, or she moved out, or there’s more going on. As for her taking the kids somewhere, she could definitely have taken them to a friends house or something. Hard to believe during the orders to stay home but who knows. He said that she just moved out and is living in the apartment that he previously showed me rent was paid on from their account. yeah, I;m not buying his excuses. What kind of parent uproot their kids like that? If he cared at all, he would have insisted they stay and he move. Edited April 20, 2020 by pepperbird 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Husbandssecret Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 4 minutes ago, pepperbird said: yeah, I;m not buying his excuses. What kind of parent uproot their kids like that? If he cared at all, he would have insisted they stay and he move. The kids did stay. But they also have to still have a relationship with their mother so technically all of their things are still at his house and they just spent the night at her place. Parents can be equally invested and it’s a little outdated to think that the mother takes the children everywhere she goes. Fathers can have primary custody too, they can be equally involved. I do believe if they were to move on with a D that this is how things would go but for some reason I’m not sure she actually moved out. I don’t know that he’s a “monster”. I’m all in my head about this. On one end I can understand/believe him, on the other I could see this as being something he lied about. The fact I have to even question it I feel like demonstrates that we aren’t really bullet proof like I once thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Husbandssecret Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 24 minutes ago, salparadise said: I think you need to take more time so that you can get in touch with your own thoughts and emotions. If you really don't trust him anymore, then where does that leave you? If you take time to get clarity, which will give him time (and motivation) to get the divorce underway, those are objectives are in alignment. You can do things in your own interest, on your own schedule. My guess is that with the resentment you're voicing now, it's time to figure out where you are without his noise jamming the signal. I agree. I’ve always thought a break for him to sort out his divorce and for Me to sort out some of the damage this has done was the best bet. And maybe I just need to tell him to leave me be for a bit again. I tried that back in February and I stopped seeing him but of course the contact continued and I never completely got a break to just reflect on what I want. He’s always there in the background chirping away anything he needs to say for us to end up together because that’s what he thinks is best for him. On Saturday when she was “moving out” he tried to get me to make plans to spend the night with him. I told him I could be there to support him but didn’t want our first night “together” to be clouded by her leaving. It just felt icky to me. He got so mad and said he’s done with me not supporting him (because I had refused to see him until I saw things were moving forward with his divorce) and basically ended things/hung up on me. Then later he sent me this text that was dramatic, something like he didn’t want the last text he sent me to say “ok”. I didn’t respond and then later he apologized and said he had been stressed. I chalked it up to having a tough weekend emotionally. And then he sort of went right back to acting like things are normal. To me I think he can’t really be in an “in between” with me. He wants me all in or not at all. I can’t give him all in at this point which I’ve tried explaining. Ugh I just hate this. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) “technically all of their things are still at his house and they just spent the night at her place.” Respectfully, that makes no sense. They left all their things in their home, they just sleep when they go to their mothers new apartment. I know, it’s a new apartment, a new arrangement. But think critically about this, would you ever accept this as a spouse? Would you ever make this decision for your children? It’s so unbalanced. I can’t imagine children accepting this kind of situation. Yes, parents can and do share custody all the time... but this is just so far fetched... Edited April 20, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) My quotes are not working on my phone... “I tried that back in February and I stopped seeing him but of course the contact continued and I never completely got a break to just reflect on what I want. He’s always there in the background chirping away anything he needs to say...” In other words, your feelings and your needs don’t matter. He doesn’t respect your wishes when you ask him for space. “On Saturday when she was “moving out” he tried to get me to make plans to spend the night with him. I told him I could be there to support him but didn’t want our first night “together” to be clouded by her leaving. It just felt icky to me.” Ick, ick, ick... ick, ick. He wanted you to sleep in her bed when she was not there. Ick!! IF she did move out, he didn’t want to spend even one night alone - he wanted you in her bed. Ick!!! “He got so mad and said he’s done with me not supporting him (because I had refused to see him until I saw things were moving forward with his divorce) and basically ended things/hung up on me.” Again, you are not allowed to voice your own opinion. It’s his way or the highway, and when you have a different opinion, “you are not supporting him,” he looses his cool, and then punishes you by not talking to you. Yeah - It’s not hard to understand why she may just have moved out and left everything. It seems a small price to pay for freedom... Edited April 20, 2020 by BaileyB 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 19 minutes ago, BaileyB said: “technically all of their things are still at his house and they just spent the night at her place.” Respectfully, that makes no sense. They left all their things in their home, they just sleep when they go to their mothers new apartment. I know, it’s a new apartment, a new arrangement. But think critically about this, would you ever accept this as a spouse? Would you ever make this decision for your children? It’s so unbalanced. I can’t imagine children accepting this kind of situation. Yes, parents can and do share custody all the time... but this is just so far fetched... I keep thinking back to when my kids were younger and all the paraphernalia they had to seem to drag with them everywhere they went. I can't see kids being happy with their belongings left behind. There's something so disrespectful to the OP about this guy inviting her over while his wife's and kids things are all still there. It's as if he's trying to swap one woman for another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Husbandssecret Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 Just now, pepperbird said: I keep thinking back to when my kids were younger and all the paraphernalia they had to seem to drag with them everywhere they went. I can't see kids being happy with their belongings left behind. There's something so disrespectful to the OP about this guy inviting her over while his wife's and kids things are all still there. It's as if he's trying to swap one woman for another. THANK YOU!!!! I told him I felt like an imposter. It was definitely uncomfortable. He didn’t understand why I felt weird but it makes me feel better that others see it the same way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 1 minute ago, Husbandssecret said: THANK YOU!!!! I told him I felt like an imposter. It was definitely uncomfortable. He didn’t understand why I felt weird but it makes me feel better that others see it the same way. I read one time then when you're feeling confused, you should trust your gut feelings. What are yours telling you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Husbandssecret Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 16 minutes ago, BaileyB said: My quotes are not working on my phone... “I tried that back in February and I stopped seeing him but of course the contact continued and I never completely got a break to just reflect on what I want. He’s always there in the background chirping away anything he needs to say...” In other words, your feelings and your needs don’t matter. He doesn’t respect your wishes when you ask him for space. “On Saturday when she was “moving out” he tried to get me to make plans to spend the night with him. I told him I could be there to support him but didn’t want our first night “together” to be clouded by her leaving. It just felt icky to me.” Ick, ick, ick... ick, ick. He wanted you to sleep in her bed when she was not there. Ick!! IF she did move out, he didn’t want to spend even one night alone - he wanted you in her bed. Ick!!! “He got so mad and said he’s done with me not supporting him (because I had refused to see him until I saw things were moving forward with his divorce) and basically ended things/hung up on me.” Again, you are not allowed to voice your own opinion. It’s his way or the highway, and when you have a different opinion, “you are not supporting him,” he looses his cool, and then punishes you by not talking to you. Yeah - It’s not hard to understand why she may just have moved out and left everything. It seems a small price to pay for freedom... Yeah no kidding he literally could not be alone for one night. One would think a huge life event like a separation and kids having their first night away is a night to just spend to yourself but he didn’t want it that way at all. When I told him no to Saturday but I could stop by Sunday she ended up not leaving Saturday because “kids were having a tough time.” So the night I spent with him ended up (against my wishes and knowing until I got there) being the first night he was on his own. Him throwing a fit about me not wanting to spend the first night alone with him was weird. It felt gross like he was swapping her for me, and it felt like he was being completely codependent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Husbandssecret Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, pepperbird said: I read one time then when you're feeling confused, you should trust your gut feelings. What are yours telling you? Honestly? Mine is telling me that she got out in a hurry because SHE needed it, not him. And now that she’s gone he’s clinging onto me for dear life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lifeoflies Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 On 2/13/2020 at 6:25 PM, elaine567 said: This man is a cake eater. Really now. that's all he is? I hope you are writing this way to knock some sense into her head. Link to post Share on other sites
ToxicAngel Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 I was in a similar situation years ago. He was leaving as soon as his sons wedding was done. Then it was something else and on and on. After a few years I realized it was never gonna happen and I had gotten to where I no longer cared. I got out of the relationship and it was the best thing I ever did. I have a wonderful man now. Treats me like a queen. He loves and respects me and I him. The way a relationship should be. I will never get sucked into a relationship with another married man claiming his marriage is over. You should move on. It will make you feel better about yourself. You could be missing out on the true love of your life right now. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 “I keep thinking back to when my kids were younger and all the paraphernalia they had to seem to drag with them everywhere they went.” My niece used to come for a sleepover... She would always make me laugh because she would arrive with a suitcase, full of stuffed animals, books, her favourite toys and games... When they get older, I imagine it’s clothes that they want. I don’t see kids going to “sleep” somewhere where they do not have any of their stuff, their clothes, their homework, their toys, their bed. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 I don't have a good feeling about this. Why couldn't you see his bedroom and bathroom? But let's say she did move out. He's still the manipulative guy who doesn't care about your feelings. My guess is they're on a trip and when they come back, he won't be able to have you over because "the kids are home." They'll conveniently never be with mom even for a single night, so that's "why" you can't come over. If you complain about not seeing him or ask too many questions, he'll blow up and freeze you out again. You don't understand how hard being a single father is! Etc etc. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) “Honestly? Mine is telling me that she got out in a hurry because SHE needed it, not him.” Why are you still standing in line to take her place? Edited April 20, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lifeoflies Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 3 hours ago, Husbandssecret said: I feel so confused. My gut says I need to just get out of this mess and have a fresh start but the damn “promise” of being with someone I connect with so deeply seems within my grasp and it’s making me second guess everything. the people here are encouraging you to listen to your "gut". I think that is very wise advice. I don't think you are really confused. you seem to not want to believe the truth. does that make sense? I feel sad for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Husbandssecret Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 17 minutes ago, lifeoflies said: the people here are encouraging you to listen to your "gut". I think that is very wise advice. I don't think you are really confused. you seem to not want to believe the truth. does that make sense? I feel sad for you. You’re right I think deep down I know but the promise/hope for us to be together and my love for him makes me confused. Logically I know this is off, I know I deserve better. My heart is a hopeless romantic wanting things to work out. I have my answer I just need the strength or whatever it is to finally be done once and for all. It’s the hope/fantasy/and dreams that keep you in the situation. I hope I wake up and have that change of heart. It feels like I’m on the brink of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Husbandssecret Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 24 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said: I don't have a good feeling about this. Why couldn't you see his bedroom and bathroom? But let's say she did move out. He's still the manipulative guy who doesn't care about your feelings. My guess is they're on a trip and when they come back, he won't be able to have you over because "the kids are home." They'll conveniently never be with mom even for a single night, so that's "why" you can't come over. If you complain about not seeing him or ask too many questions, he'll blow up and freeze you out again. You don't understand how hard being a single father is! Etc etc. Sometimes it’s nice to hear that you aren’t as crazy as you think. Being in OW fantasy land for so long, I have grown even more weary of trusting myself so it’s nice to know that others think there’s something not adding up. That validation is helpful! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) “Him throwing a fit about me not wanting to spend the first night alone with him was weird. It felt gross like he was swapping her for me, and it felt like he was being completely codependent.“ Rightfully so. Nothing would disgust me more than a man trying to move me into a bed that another woman had just vacated. This is a possibility. It is also possible that he really wanted to have sex with another woman in his marital bed, and his time was limited - while she was away with the kids. Think about that! Edited April 20, 2020 by BaileyB 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 So the main bedroom was off limits but you spent the night, where? in the guest room or in some kid's bedroom? Are you actually prepared to be step Mom to these young kids? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Husbandssecret Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 9 minutes ago, elaine567 said: So the main bedroom was off limits but you spent the night, where? in the guest room or in some kid's bedroom? Are you actually prepared to be step Mom to these young kids? He didn’t specifically say it was off limits. I asked to use the restroom and he guided me to a different bathroom while he went and grabbed his tooth brush from the master bathroom and came out to the other bathroom to brush his teeth at the same time as me. But he kind of gently guided me away from that area without saying so, it was in his body language. We stayed in a spare room where he’s been “sleeping” for the duration of our relationship. Also because I feel like things are off I haven’t been intimate with him. I’m trying to figure out how I feel before I add that back in the mix because that further complicates things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Husbandssecret Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 @elaine567 I’ve always wanted kids and a big family so being a step mother isn’t the part I feel weary about when it comes to this situation. I know that if we decided to be together that part would work. I have a good friend who is dating a man who is divorced and has a kid close to their age so that part I could see myself doing well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 30 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said: You’re right I think deep down I know but the promise/hope for us to be together and my love for him makes me confused. Logically I know this is off, I know I deserve better. My heart is a hopeless romantic wanting things to work out. I have my answer I just need the strength or whatever it is to finally be done once and for all. It’s the hope/fantasy/and dreams that keep you in the situation. I hope I wake up and have that change of heart. It feels like I’m on the brink of it. You know, this was me in the first part of January. I knew it was all off but the hopeless romantic believed that the love and emotional connection we had would get us through to the other side. But like you, it felt off when we got back together. We never quite recreated the glory days and I never quite trusted him or stopped looking for boogeymen. I know there are those that will scoff at this but he really has changed. He is not the man I met or fell in love with. He is not the man who loved me. Things started to change at the end of 2018 with the onset of deferrals. How were were, how we interacted, the connection started to change and weaken. We broke up mid 2019 and got back together January 2020. I believe that with prolonged daily lying and deception, a person changes. It becomes the norm and it's hard to revert back to honesty. The adrenaline rush of getting caught or not, thrill of doing something forbidden, it changes you. Without that rush, it's just ho-hum boring. The 6 weeks we were back together was actually pretty good for an open relationship but definitely did not compare to the rush of an affair. MM went back to recreate that by secretly messaging OOW. Fortunately I found out fairly quickly and by that time I was over rationalizing and second chances. What I'm saying is that if you have doubts, if your gut is telling you it's off, it probably is and you should listen to it because once the resentment and distrust take hold, it only amplifies unless both parties acknowledge it and want to work on it. Your MM sounds like mine ... the 5 year old who wants it his way, when he wants it and how he wants it, other's needs and wants be damned. And yes, you and he are not me and mine, or any other affair. We don't know each other in real life. All we have is what is written in a post. That always made me wonder if people really got it. If only they saw us together, really knew him, understood his dilemma.... truth is, there was more wisdom and real insight than I ever imagined. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lifeoflies Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Husbandssecret said: My heart is a hopeless romantic wanting things to work out. I have my answer I just need the strength or whatever it is to finally be done once and for all. It’s the hope/fantasy/and dreams that keep you in the situation. I hope I wake up and have that change of heart. It feels like I’m on the brink of it. personally i understand your feelings. actually, if you are diligent, and don't kid yourself, you won't so much "wake up" to that change of heart, as slowly (too slowly) see your way clear. it can happen Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Husbandssecret said: We stayed in a spare room where he’s been “sleeping” for the duration of our relationship. BUT 1 hour ago, Husbandssecret said: ...he guided me to a different bathroom while he went and grabbed his tooth brush from the master bathroom "I never have sex with my wife, I sleep in the spare room..." Really??? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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