Never thought I'd be here.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said:

I’m pretty sure it’s just him manipulating me. It’s always about him. He’s had a long week. 

Affairs are generally one sided, unbalanced relationships. One person has more control than the other. One person benefits more than the other/gets their needs met more than the other. 

[S2B]

Man, I bet he doesn’t believe you’re done.

watch, he will expect to see you tomorrow like nothings changed. Just don’t answer his calls - the only thing he’s gonna say is stuff to get you back into his OW position.

glad you were strong! 

[Husbandssecret]

42 minutes ago, S2B said:

Man, I bet he doesn’t believe you’re done.

watch, he will expect to see you tomorrow like nothings changed. Just don’t answer his calls - the only thing he’s gonna say is stuff to get you back into his OW position.

glad you were strong! 

Yeah maybe he doesn’t believe I’m done! He hasn’t tried to call back surprisingly, so... maybe he’s making this easy on me! He said his initial reaction was to try to fight for me but he loves me and is going to support what is best for me. That was after he tried everything else. Guilting me that he’s losing everything in his life. He tried every manipulation but I didn’t waiver. My guess is he resorted to that at the end because he wanted to give me what I wanted to hear. 

[S2B]

This guy is so full of negative manipulations it’s crazy!

when you have been away from him for a while - you’ll see just how mean and disgusting it is!

no one should ever treat you that way. Don’t ever allow it again!

[Ellener]

14 hours ago, Husbandssecret said:

I usually don’t participate in forums but I’ve reached a point where I’m pretty sure that I need to end this relationship.

Really! 

8 hours ago, Husbandssecret said:

He ended up having to go because someone was coming (probably his wife) so we didn’t finish the conversation necessarily but I have a feeling he’s not going to chase after me. 

If you want other people to value you make your own values a bit solid-er! and value yourself a bit more. You are better than this.

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Husbandssecret said:

He says me leaving now makes me fair weather. Basically saying that I’m only good to stick around for the good stuff and can’t deal with the bad. 

He needs to deal with his own stuff. You can’t help him with his divorce. If and when he ever divorces, he is going to have a lot of feelings, logistics to work out, kids that he needs to settle, new home to set up - he needs to do all of that, you can’t help with any of that. The fact that he would want to use you as an emotional crutch (not that I believe him, I think he’s trying to guilt you into staying) is a HUGE red flag. Good for you for ending it! You have your whole life ahead of you - go out there and start living it!!

Edited February 14, 2020 by BaileyB

[Syre17]

Husbandssecret,

You’re situation is remarkably similar to what mine was, except that I followed through with leaving my wife for my AP who ultimately never  “truly” left. You can read my original post for that whole sordid affair...pun intended. 

Nevertheless, I can give you some insight into your experience. When you used the word “promise” I experienced the exact same thing. I was promised over and over and over again that she was planning on leaving by such and such date which would come and go. Similarly, there was ALWAYS something in the way of that...a parent who wasn’t feeling well and from her “I don’t want to stress them out even  more by leaving right now...” The “excuses” ran the gamut. 

She would talk to me in terms of absolute certainty about our future together. I’d constantly hear “when I leave we’re going to go here...or we’re going to do this...” She knew exactly what to say and I was convinced that she’d follow through...if only I gave it another month, another couple of months, just six more months. Those months eventually spanned the course of five years...wasted.

I too had to sit back while she continued to go on vacations with her family, while I was home, adrift in a sea of misery. 

Lastly, your comment about him wanting to allow his wife to come to the conclusion of divorcing on her own and being the driver of it so the outcome is better for him literally sounds verbatim what my ex AP told me. I swear it’s like he’s the male version of her... I was told the exact same thing. 

As far as my AP, she’s still married and clearly right where she wants to be, which is still with her H. Her past suggestions that she’d eventually “do things the right way and leave” and find me...never happened. What’s strange is, as head over heals as I once was for her, if she showed up on my doorstep today, I’d tell her that there’s no us, and there never will be...and I’m actually single at the moment. Once I came out of my affair fog and gained clarity, I began seeing her in a completely different light. 

Take it from me, someone who was deeply in love with my AP and was convinced that my AP was deeply in love with me, your best course is to cut him out of your life and not waste another second. It will be difficult, but I found a lot of clarity and sage advice on this board. I do hope you find your path through this. 

 

 

 

[Husbandssecret]

2 hours ago, Syre17 said:

She would talk to me in terms of absolute certainty about our future together. I’d constantly hear “when I leave we’re going to go here...or we’re going to do this...” She knew exactly what to say and I was convinced that she’d follow through...if only I gave it another month, another couple of months, just six more months. Those months eventually spanned the course of five years...wasted.

 

 

Syre17, 

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s really helpful to hear someone who was in the exact same situation made it to the other side and is doing well. He talked to me in terms of certainty as well, which I think is the hardest thing. He always would say things like when he’s divorced and even had exact details of a trip he’s “planning” for us in August because he’d be “divorced” by then. How can someone talk to somebody in that way? Plan out their life with you with no intention on actually following through? It’s crazy that your AP said the same thing as mine in regards to the divorce. Even now as he swears it’s happening he says it’s over and she’s planning to leave but he doesn’t want to push her for her plans because he wants her to feel like she’s driving it completely separate from him. But then when I ended things last night verbatim he said “This is not something I can come back from. I am sorry. This is too much. We were literally weeks away from having this every night and you abandon me/us at our most critical moment. I can’t make it past that. I wish you the best. Honestly!” That was the email he wrote me after our phone call ended abruptly. He was saying this in response to my offer for him to come to find me after his divorce is finalized. It feels like he’s saying it’s his road or the highway. There’s no alternative path to the forever he promised me. During our relationship I would challenge that. I’d ask if it’s true love then why can’t we just find each other after all the dust settles and pick up where we left off? His concern was that he couldn’t be with me if he knew I had dated during the time we weren’t together. 

[Fletch Lives]

Yup, the common, I am the other woman story.

The problem is, when somebody is still married, they are usually not ready to love a new person yet. Plus, there's no reason for them to leave - why leave if you'll put up with it. As a rule, never be the other woman. 

All you can do is breakup and tell him to talk to you after divorce. And find a replacement - this time, a man who does not have a wife.

If you stay, you'll just live a life of quiet desperation and pain.

Be greedy in love and never share.

[Syre17]

Quote

His concern was that he couldn’t be with me if he knew I had dated during the time we weren’t together. 

Yep...this. I reached a point where I finally put my AP on notice that as a finally DIVORCED guy, I was going to start dating and looking for someone legitimately single, who could offer me what I (and everyone) deserve. She flipped out...go figure, that as a person who was going home to and living in the same house as her H and had strung me along forever... Like your AP, she tried to hold it over my head as another “reason” not to leave. Bear in mind, I was available and single for a long time waiting for her to get her $h!t together and do something. Whatever... 

[Husbandssecret]

33 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Yup, the common, I am the other woman story.

The problem is, when somebody is still married, they are usually not ready to love a new person yet. Plus, there's no reason for them to leave - why leave if you'll put up with it. As a rule, never be the other woman. 

All you can do is breakup and tell him to talk to you after divorce. And find a replacement - this time, a man who does not have a wife.

If you stay, you'll just live a life of quiet desperation and pain.

Be greedy in love and never share.

When you’re in the heart of it, you feel like you’re the exception. You’re the couple who figures it out. Of course I now realize it’s all bull and it’s not going anywhere. He’s having a pity party that I “left him in his darkest moment” and he would never leave me in my darkest moment. Funny part is he claims they are “weeks from separation” so me leaving shouldn’t be that big of a deal if that’s really the case it’s a few weeks apart because I told him to come find me when they were actually done. Obviously I know its a big deal and drama to him because he’s not weeks away. What a joke. 

[Husbandssecret]

10 minutes ago, Syre17 said:

Yep...this. I reached a point where I finally put my AP on notice that as a finally DIVORCED guy, I was going to start dating and looking for someone legitimately single, who could offer me what I (and everyone) deserve. She flipped out...go figure, that as a person who was going home to and living in the same house as her H and had strung me along forever... Like your AP, she tried to hold it over my head as another “reason” not to leave. Bear in mind, I was available and single for a long time waiting for her to get her $h!t together and do something. Whatever... 

Isn’t it amazing how they make you feel guilty for living a single life but they’re likely in bed with their H/W the whole time? Of course I was being fed the whole “we haven’t slept together since we’ve been together” line which I’ve always kind of known deep down was not likely to be true. 

[Fletch Lives]

Yup. The separation is always around the corner, but that corner is never turned. At least you see the light now....... you'll move on, and find a new man who's not attached.

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said:

When you’re in the heart of it, you feel like you’re the exception. You’re the couple who figures it out. Of course I now realize it’s all bull and it’s not going anywhere. He’s having a pity party that I “left him in his darkest moment” and he would never leave me in my darkest moment. Funny part is he claims they are “weeks from separation” so me leaving shouldn’t be that big of a deal if that’s really the case it’s a few weeks apart because I told him to come find me when they were actually done. Obviously I know its a big deal and drama to him because he’s not weeks away. What a joke. 

You're right he's just blowing smoke.  Tell him you will be their for him when he shows you the divorce papers and he or her is out of the house.  When he tells you she's found her own place tell him you're coming over and see what he does.

[2BGoodAgain]

the others are right, when your A was discovered and he told her it was over(with you)... that was his action speaking louder than words...

right now, he knows he has you hooked, and he won't change. you are a side story, no matter what he's told you. his actions have already told you what his intent is, and the longer you stay, the more you're telling him, you're there to stay. 

move on. save whatever heart you have left and move on. it won't be easy, you were involved emotionally for 4 yrs, but you can do it. I ended my 12yr A, and it is the WORST... but it's better than staying. b/c it CAN get worse.

[2BGoodAgain]

1 hour ago, Husbandssecret said:

Syre17, 

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s really helpful to hear someone who was in the exact same situation made it to the other side and is doing well. He talked to me in terms of certainty as well, which I think is the hardest thing. He always would say things like when he’s divorced and even had exact details of a trip he’s “planning” for us in August because he’d be “divorced” by then. How can someone talk to somebody in that way? Plan out their life with you with no intention on actually following through? It’s crazy that your AP said the same thing as mine in regards to the divorce. Even now as he swears it’s happening he says it’s over and she’s planning to leave but he doesn’t want to push her for her plans because he wants her to feel like she’s driving it completely separate from him. But then when I ended things last night verbatim he said “This is not something I can come back from. I am sorry. This is too much. We were literally weeks away from having this every night and you abandon me/us at our most critical moment. I can’t make it past that. I wish you the best. Honestly!” That was the email he wrote me after our phone call ended abruptly. He was saying this in response to my offer for him to come to find me after his divorce is finalized. It feels like he’s saying it’s his road or the highway. There’s no alternative path to the forever he promised me. During our relationship I would challenge that. I’d ask if it’s true love then why can’t we just find each other after all the dust settles and pick up where we left off? His concern was that he couldn’t be with me if he knew I had dated during the time we weren’t together. 

yeah, he had no intention of carrying out what he promised you. 

he's RELIEVED that you've stopped pressuring him... now he's just guilt tripping you as if this was your whole idea and the consequences is entirely on you, not mentioning how he's strung you along all these years... total blaming you for it.

it may suck and it'll hurt, but best if you move on. good luck to you. we'll be here to help where we can.

Edited February 14, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[notmyfinestmoment]

I am really sorry...    It is so difficult to make sense of.    I am going through what you are.

 Mine had stepped up to have the conversation 2 times, but when he saw how devastated she was, the backward slide started.   I would back away, knowing there was no future and then he would resurface.   The 3rd time was in December right before Christmas when he said he had come to the realization that he can't keep living the lie at home.  I asked him what was different this time and he said because he knew he the marriage needed to end whether or not I was in the picture.  He set a concrete day to have the conversation with her (New Year's Day, when she was coming home from a trip).  He talked about our future in depth...same as you.   He talked about travel plans, where we were going to live so it is easiest on all of the kids, when they would meet, even how we would spend next Christmas.   The day came and went (saying she went right to bed when they got home, then he said he was going to talk to her a couple of days later, that didn't happen.  Then he said it would be the following weekend when they would both be home together.   When I asked that Friday if he was planning on having the talk, he said "honestly, I haven't even thought about it because I have had such a busy week at work".   I didn't want to have the conversation then, but he pushed when I abruptly wanted to end the call.   I told him his actions and words weren't lining up.  I told him I keep waiting for him to follow through and that didn't believe him anymore.  He offered no reassurance, in fact, he went completely cold on me and we didn't talk for almost a week.  I sent him a letter with a necklace he had given me back in December.  I told him I was getting off the roller coaster for good.  That if he had made the decision that he couldn't follow through, the humane thing would have been to tell me.   I also said I had been a mess for two weeks waiting for him to have the conversation (worried that he wouldn't be able to follow through again).  He accepted my goodbye without a fight.  We talked live over the phone the next day where I gracefully said goodbye.  And we haven't talked since (almost 4 weeks ago).   In that time though, I have grown increasingly angry at how he had come back making all of these promises for a future only to turn it on me and walk away (like I did something wrong by calling him out).  I had been there for him for a year and a half and never asked for anything, but when I told him how I was feeling (mind you, I didn't even yell), I was summarily dismissed.  I wish I hadn't been so nice in that goodbye, but at that point though, I didn't want to be angry.   BUT OH THE ANGER NOW!  

I have to hope it gets better in time.    It has been a painful lesson to so many people on this board.   And we all want to believe we are the exception.   I am still trying to make sense of how someone can say all of those things and then flip a switch.   If it is any consolation, I do believe in the moment, they feel like they can follow through, and the reality of if actually happening hits them in the face and that is where the pullback starts.    

You deserve better.   And I have to think if they really do love us the way they say they do, they would follow through and not completely shut down. If that is ANY indication as to how your relationship would be in the future, you really did dodge a bullet.  They are conflict avoiders (which is a big reason they are in an affair...if they were capable of an honest, reciprocal relationship, they wouldn't be in this situation). And of course we have our own issues too with boundaries, because if we had the proper boundaries, we would have never allowed a relationship like this to start in he first place.

 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

3 minutes ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

I am really sorry...    It is so difficult to make sense of.    I am going through what you are.

 Mine had stepped up to have the conversation 2 times, but when he saw how devastated she was, the backward slide started.   I would back away, knowing there was no future and then he would resurface.   The 3rd time was in December right before Christmas when he said he had come to the realization that he can't keep living the lie at home.  I asked him what was different this time and he said because he knew he the marriage needed to end whether or not I was in the picture.  He set a concrete day to have the conversation with her (New Year's Day, when she was coming home from a trip).  He talked about our future in depth...same as you.   He talked about travel plans, where we were going to live so it is easiest on all of the kids, when they would meet, even how we would spend next Christmas.   The day came and went (saying she went right to bed when they got home, then he said he was going to talk to her a couple of days later, that didn't happen.  Then he said it would be the following weekend when they would both be home together.   When I asked that Friday if he was planning on having the talk, he said "honestly, I haven't even thought about it because I have had such a busy week at work".   I didn't want to have the conversation then, but he pushed when I abruptly wanted to end the call.   I told him his actions and words weren't lining up.  I told him I keep waiting for him to follow through and that didn't believe him anymore.  He offered no reassurance, in fact, he went completely cold on me and we didn't talk for almost a week.  I sent him a letter with a necklace he had given me back in December.  I told him I was getting off the roller coaster for good.  That if he had made the decision that he couldn't follow through, the humane thing would have been to tell me.   I also said I had been a mess for two weeks waiting for him to have the conversation (worried that he wouldn't be able to follow through again).  He accepted my goodbye without a fight.  We talked live over the phone the next day where I gracefully said goodbye.  And we haven't talked since (almost 4 weeks ago).   In that time though, I have grown increasingly angry at how he had come back making all of these promises for a future only to turn it on me and walk away (like I did something wrong by calling him out).  I had been there for him for a year and a half and never asked for anything, but when I told him how I was feeling (mind you, I didn't even yell), I was summarily dismissed.  I wish I hadn't been so nice in that goodbye, but at that point though, I didn't want to be angry.   BUT OH THE ANGER NOW!  

I have to hope it gets better in time.    It has been a painful lesson to so many people on this board.   And we all want to believe we are the exception.   I am still trying to make sense of how someone can say all of those things and then flip a switch.   If it is any consolation, I do believe in the moment, they feel like they can follow through, and the reality of if actually happening hits them in the face and that is where the pullback starts.    

You deserve better.   And I have to think if they really do love us the way they say they do, they would follow through and not completely shut down. If that is ANY indication as to how your relationship would be in the future, you really did dodge a bullet.  They are conflict avoiders (which is a big reason they are in an affair...if they were capable of an honest, reciprocal relationship, they wouldn't be in this situation). And of course we have our own issues too with boundaries, because if we had the proper boundaries, we would have never allowed a relationship like this to start in he first place.

 

 

they do that, don't they? it's made me realize how many plans and thoughts my MW made to me... i always wondered "what IF" i had said "yes" to her so many times... instead of telling her no... i've wondered in the back of my mind, the rationale that wondered if i had said "yes", mebbe we'd still be together.. 

empty future promises, seem to be a very common theme in M APs.... 

[Husbandssecret]

28 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You're right he's just blowing smoke.  Tell him you will be their for him when he shows you the divorce papers and he or her is out of the house.  When he tells you she's found her own place tell him you're coming over and see what he does.

With how the conversation has gone he sounds just as done as me. He seems relieved in a way. He’s closed the door on anything happening in the future or at least that’s the impression I’ve gotten. What I mean by that is I truly do not believe he’s leaving his wife which is why he keeps referring to this as a goodbye forever. I’ve told him, no if you’re weeks away, great. Tell me when she’s moved out and we can see if we can go from there. And his response is that I chose to end things, so he wishes me the best of luck and all the happiness in the world. It’s like he wants to build this narrative that we are permanently done because of me and he’s the poor schmuck who has his heart broken. I’m getting so angry because it seems super childish. I think secretly he wanted me to end things because he never would have and he was never going to leave his wife so now the pressure is off of him. 

[Husbandssecret]

26 minutes ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

I am really sorry...    It is so difficult to make sense of.    I am going through what you are.

 Mine had stepped up to have the conversation 2 times, but when he saw how devastated she was, the backward slide started.   I would back away, knowing there was no future and then he would resurface.   The 3rd time was in December right before Christmas when he said he had come to the realization that he can't keep living the lie at home.  I asked him what was different this time and he said because he knew he the marriage needed to end whether or not I was in the picture.  He set a concrete day to have the conversation with her (New Year's Day, when she was coming home from a trip).  He talked about our future in depth...same as you.   He talked about travel plans, where we were going to live so it is easiest on all of the kids, when they would meet, even how we would spend next Christmas.   The day came and went (saying she went right to bed when they got home, then he said he was going to talk to her a couple of days later, that didn't happen.  Then he said it would be the following weekend when they would both be home together.   When I asked that Friday if he was planning on having the talk, he said "honestly, I haven't even thought about it because I have had such a busy week at work".   I didn't want to have the conversation then, but he pushed when I abruptly wanted to end the call.   I told him his actions and words weren't lining up.  I told him I keep waiting for him to follow through and that didn't believe him anymore.  He offered no reassurance, in fact, he went completely cold on me and we didn't talk for almost a week.  I sent him a letter with a necklace he had given me back in December.  I told him I was getting off the roller coaster for good.  That if he had made the decision that he couldn't follow through, the humane thing would have been to tell me.   I also said I had been a mess for two weeks waiting for him to have the conversation (worried that he wouldn't be able to follow through again).  He accepted my goodbye without a fight.  We talked live over the phone the next day where I gracefully said goodbye.  And we haven't talked since (almost 4 weeks ago).   In that time though, I have grown increasingly angry at how he had come back making all of these promises for a future only to turn it on me and walk away (like I did something wrong by calling him out).  I had been there for him for a year and a half and never asked for anything, but when I told him how I was feeling (mind you, I didn't even yell), I was summarily dismissed.  I wish I hadn't been so nice in that goodbye, but at that point though, I didn't want to be angry.   BUT OH THE ANGER NOW!  

I have to hope it gets better in time.    It has been a painful lesson to so many people on this board.   And we all want to believe we are the exception.   I am still trying to make sense of how someone can say all of those things and then flip a switch.   If it is any consolation, I do believe in the moment, they feel like they can follow through, and the reality of if actually happening hits them in the face and that is where the pullback starts.    

You deserve better.   And I have to think if they really do love us the way they say they do, they would follow through and not completely shut down. If that is ANY indication as to how your relationship would be in the future, you really did dodge a bullet.  They are conflict avoiders (which is a big reason they are in an affair...if they were capable of an honest, reciprocal relationship, they wouldn't be in this situation). And of course we have our own issues too with boundaries, because if we had the proper boundaries, we would have never allowed a relationship like this to start in he first place.

 

 

Thank you so much for your response. It’s helpful to hear other people’s stories because it makes me feel less crazy/chaotic. He took the breakup relatively well and didn’t fight me much on it. I don’t know what hurts more, the breakup, or the fact that he didn’t even fight for it. I know that sounds silly and pathetic but I just wanted to feel like he truly loved me. Maybe he did in his own way. And you’re right, maybe they do mean what they say in that moment or they believe themselves when they’re saying it but then reality hits. 
 

I’ve been reflecting a lot on how things have played out for us and I find this interesting. There’s been a few times in our relationship where he swore things were coming to a head and he thought his wife was planning to leave and he would kind of fade away for a bit. There’s 3 separate times (this time included) that this has happened. Each time he acts the same. Expresses his concerns that she’s leaving, he’s worried how it will affect kids, etc. and so he starts spending much more time at home. I already don’t see him often, maybe 1-2 hrs 5-7 days a week. But he sends a lot less messages and then he is home a lot more. At first I thought it was because it was stressful and he wanted to make sure everything at home was stable. But now I’m thinking it may be more that his wife is getting suspicious or talking about leaving and he then flips on the perfect husband mode so he can manipulate her into staying. Just a theory. Maybe things really are ending this time. I guess we will see. 

[Starswillshine]

13 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said:

With how the conversation has gone he sounds just as done as me. He seems relieved in a way. He’s closed the door on anything happening in the future or at least that’s the impression I’ve gotten. What I mean by that is I truly do not believe he’s leaving his wife which is why he keeps referring to this as a goodbye forever. I’ve told him, no if you’re weeks away, great. Tell me when she’s moved out and we can see if we can go from there. And his response is that I chose to end things, so he wishes me the best of luck and all the happiness in the world. It’s like he wants to build this narrative that we are permanently done because of me and he’s the poor schmuck who has his heart broken. I’m getting so angry because it seems super childish. I think secretly he wanted me to end things because he never would have and he was never going to leave his wife so now the pressure is off of him. 

My guess is he is actually trying to scare you into staying. Because you give him the option of coming back to you when his marriage is over, he knows you want to be with him. He is basically calling your bluff. He'll likely be back. 

[Syre17]

It goes without saying and as you mentioned OP (and others) the anger is very real and part of the process. My advice is try to find an outlet for that anger and someone you can confide in to let it out in a healthy and safe way.  

In my case, due to being really angry, I became very volatile and placed myself in some situations that could have been very dangerous...i.e., very confrontational type behavior. I was looking for a fight with anyone who’d further slight me and do me further harm or wrong. Sad but true and nothing I’m proud of, but thankfully, I didn’t kill or hurt someone, nor myself, despite some very close calls. 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

My guess is he is actually trying to scare you into staying. Because you give him the option of coming back to you when his marriage is over, he knows you want to be with him. He is basically calling your bluff. He'll likely be back. 

I agree. 

If he does ever actually leave his wife, remember that recently separated men  (single or married) generally don’t make good boyfriends.

He’s going to be an emotional wreck, dealing with the guilt of breaking up his family, the stress of divorce, the sadness of his children, it goes on and on. He has the deal with the stress of lawyers bills, divorce settlements, possibly selling a home, paying child support. He may come to resent you as the source of all his stress, grief, and pain. It’s not generally a good way to start a healthy relationship - which is often why so many relationships that start as affairs end.

And then, there is always the risk that he will go home. There is no time limit on when you are “in the clear” that he won’t potentially go back to his wife. There are literally women on this site who have been with the man for a year or two, bought a home together - and they still go back to their wives. 

[Husbandssecret]

You all make really good points! As for the anger part, I did end up confiding in someone. I felt like in order to actually end this I needed someone in my life to keep me accountable and level headed. I’m also going to start therapy (on a waitlist now for someone who comes highly recommended) because not only do I need to get over the affair but this has taught me just as previously said that I have issues setting boundaries when it comes to relationships. 
 

As this settles I keep playing back different bits and pieces and processing it. He always had a way of making me feel like while he was screwing me over he was still in love with me and doing the best he possibly could. For example last summer when he went on a family vacation his wife was insisting that they go to northern Italy, and Italy is a place I’ve always wanted to visit. Don’t worry, I actually went by myself to Italy the fall of 2018 because I wasn’t waiting for it to happen with him. Anyway, I was at my wits end of the traveling together and I said absolutely no more trips or I have to be done. But then he manipulated me into thinking he did the best he could. He said she was dead set in a trip and him fighting it would raise suspicion. In order to please her by taking a trip but to not hurt me (he had never been to Italy and wanted the first time to be with me, we had always talked about it) they ended up doing a different fabulous trip that “she arranged”. And often when I would bring up that a trip even happened he wouldn’t understand why I was so fixated on that because he could have gone to Italy and he didn’t so he really did do what was in my best interest. Sooooo screwed up looking back. 

[WasOtherWoman]

I think you also have to consider this....   (being young, highly educated and successful).  Don't you want a man like that also?  A man who MAKES things happen in his life (i.e. leaves on his own and creates a life with you) rather than a man who LETs things happen to him (i.e. waits for his wife to leave, and make the decision for him).

I was worth fighting for, and having a partner who did not make things happen, would have been very unattractive for me.  I certainly did not want him by default.  And, if he cannot make the simple decision of... am i staying married or not.... what other decisions won't he be able to make in life?    

 

 

 

   

Edited February 14, 2020 by WasOtherWoman
edited to correct a stray apostrophe