Never thought I'd be here.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Husbandssecret said:

With how the conversation has gone he sounds just as done as me. He seems relieved in a way. He’s closed the door on anything happening in the future or at least that’s the impression I’ve gotten. What I mean by that is I truly do not believe he’s leaving his wife which is why he keeps referring to this as a goodbye forever. I’ve told him, no if you’re weeks away, great. Tell me when she’s moved out and we can see if we can go from there. And his response is that I chose to end things, so he wishes me the best of luck and all the happiness in the world. It’s like he wants to build this narrative that we are permanently done because of me and he’s the poor schmuck who has his heart broken. I’m getting so angry because it seems super childish. I think secretly he wanted me to end things because he never would have and he was never going to leave his wife so now the pressure is off of him. 

You are correct.  That is exactly what he is doing.  It's too bad you can't catch him in his lies but you're better off without him.

[notmyfinestmoment]

1 hour ago, Husbandssecret said:

With how the conversation has gone he sounds just as done as me. He seems relieved in a way. He’s closed the door on anything happening in the future or at least that’s the impression I’ve gotten. What I mean by that is I truly do not believe he’s leaving his wife which is why he keeps referring to this as a goodbye forever. I’ve told him, no if you’re weeks away, great. Tell me when she’s moved out and we can see if we can go from there. And his response is that I chose to end things, so he wishes me the best of luck and all the happiness in the world. It’s like he wants to build this narrative that we are permanently done because of me and he’s the poor schmuck who has his heart broken. I’m getting so angry because it seems super childish. I think secretly he wanted me to end things because he never would have and he was never going to leave his wife so now the pressure is off of him. 

This is exactly how mine ended.  It was like as soon as I sent the letter saying goodbye (because of his indecisive inaction), he jumped at the chance to be let off the hook.   I think he knew he couldn't follow through and instead of having to tell me that, he let me make the decision and is all to happy to bask in the idea that I ended things with him.  He doesn't have to be the bad guy.    I got wished "all the happiness in the world" too.    It's funny, when I have stepped back before, he was a crying mess and was so apologetic to have hurt me.  That was absent this time.   Of all times, after all of the future talk and now flip-flopping again, this is when you don't feel bad?  

I'm not quite sure how to get past it other than to hope as time goes by, it will get better.   I am almost at 4 weeks of NC and I wish I could say that I am on the upswing, but it has kind of been 1 step up, 2 steps back.   I vacillate between sadness and anger.   When I told my sister, "I can't believe he did this to me again", she said "I think you need to be asking yourself why did I let him do this to me again".  There is a whole lot of truth in that.  

 

[2BGoodAgain]

1 hour ago, Husbandssecret said:

You all make really good points! As for the anger part, I did end up confiding in someone. I felt like in order to actually end this I needed someone in my life to keep me accountable and level headed. I’m also going to start therapy (on a waitlist now for someone who comes highly recommended) because not only do I need to get over the affair but this has taught me just as previously said that I have issues setting boundaries when it comes to relationships. 
 

As this settles I keep playing back different bits and pieces and processing it. He always had a way of making me feel like while he was screwing me over he was still in love with me and doing the best he possibly could. For example last summer when he went on a family vacation his wife was insisting that they go to northern Italy, and Italy is a place I’ve always wanted to visit. Don’t worry, I actually went by myself to Italy the fall of 2018 because I wasn’t waiting for it to happen with him. Anyway, I was at my wits end of the traveling together and I said absolutely no more trips or I have to be done. But then he manipulated me into thinking he did the best he could. He said she was dead set in a trip and him fighting it would raise suspicion. In order to please her by taking a trip but to not hurt me (he had never been to Italy and wanted the first time to be with me, we had always talked about it) they ended up doing a different fabulous trip that “she arranged”. And often when I would bring up that a trip even happened he wouldn’t understand why I was so fixated on that because he could have gone to Italy and he didn’t so he really did do what was in my best interest. Sooooo screwed up looking back. 

good for you on the therapy part.

the guy isn't the main issue here.. b/c he couldn't get a foothold in your life, without you letting him,... not to say there's something wrong with you, blah blah blah...

but rather, to prevent this from happening again... it's a good idea to get a handle over what may be laying deep within you that made you vulnerable to a relationship like this. 

much luck to you! Kudos!

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Husbandssecret said:

 But then when I ended things last night verbatim he said “This is not something I can come back from. I am sorry. This is too much. We were literally weeks away from having this every night and you abandon me/us at our most critical moment. I can’t make it past that. I wish you the best. Honestly!” That was the email he wrote me after our phone call ended abruptly. He was saying this in response to my offer for him to come to find me after his divorce is finalized.

Sure, that's what he says. He might even mean it at some level, but I think in his mind it helps him justify what he's already doing: staying with her and keeping you on as the band aid/emotional crutch to his difficult marriage.

What he'll actually do will be to contact you in a few weeks when he thinks your resolve might be faltering and try to "make amends". He'll still be on the verge of leaving his wife (but actually not) and will probably be sweet and apologetic and want to kiss and make up ( 'n' stuff).

Don't be surprised...

Edited February 14, 2020 by mark clemson

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Sure, that's what he says. He might even mean it at some level, but I think in his mind it helps him justify what he's already doing: staying with her and keeping you on as the band aid/emotional crutch to his difficult marriage.

What he'll actually do will be to contact you in a few weeks when he thinks your resolve might be faltering and try to "make amends". He'll still be on the verge of leaving his wife (but actually not) and will probably be sweet and apologetic and want to kiss and make up ( 'n' stuff).

Don't be surprised...

Echoing @mark clemson on this one. So one of the things I do for a living is talk people into doing things - e.g. contract negotiation/dispute mediation. What I've found is that some people are just gifted at manipulation and it sounds like he's one of them because he's hitting all the bases in the right order. And when I say manipulation I don't mean it in a negative way, rather in just a neutral way of getting people to do what they want. He may not even be aware of it and it doesn't mean it is a bad thing. This actually might be the natural progression in his mind. Here's the usual playbook for these folks and it more or less falls in this order and will probably give you a heads up on what's to come.

------ phone call -------

1. Collective Identity: "this when we need to be pulling together in a time of need" - shifts the conversation from a you vs. him to a "we" and as a happy little byproduct, gives you the "we" you have always wanted vs. a "her" (the wife). When that didn't work...

2. Sunk Cost Fallacy: "I can't believe you're doing this, we are so close to everything we want!" - this one is really powerful because confronting the sunk cost fallacy is really unpleasant for a lot of people. It means you get "nothing" for X number of years of "investment". Also makes you feel like a quitter and in western culture, very few things carry as much shame. When that didn't work...

3. Guilt Trip: "you're abandoning me in my time of need" - 'nuff said about this. Total fairness play. When that didn't work. 

4. Bluff Call/Acquiescence:  "if this is what you want...." this is actually a hard one because it means the manipulator is giving up his/her power. It is a gamble because it is a bluff call and you risk losing all power in the negotiation. When that doesn't work....

NOTE: all of the above is just good argumentation and most people are capable of it. There isn't anything nefarious here. Pretty much all breakups go through a pattern like this.

-------- post phone call ---------

5. Raise the Stakes: "there's no way I could come back from this..." This is part a reclamation of power when they don't respond to the bluff call. You also have to reject an important portion of the other person's position "call me when you've filed for divorce". It changes the location of the all the pieces on the board. It is also a secondary bluff call because it raises the stakes to such a point that you're likely to blink. When that doesn't work....

NOTE: this may or not be manipulation. This may just be a natural defensive move he needs to do to heal. The real manipulation is to come...

------- future --------- 

6. The Weighting Game:  Okay, now if he's smart he'll wait a prolonged period (2-3 weeks, no longer) of time for you to feel the weight of your decision. For the loneliness to kick in. You need to give the other person enough time for the strong emotions that triggered the break up to die down, the euphoria of standing up for yourself to wane and the novelty of "starting a new chapter" to become boring. Then you are left with that big empty hole in your life. If he waits more than 3 weeks then you actually start healing and become less vulnerable and open to him day by day. 

7. New Information: At the 2-3 week mark he'll contact you with "new information". My guess it is will be one of two things: 1) something to do with his divorce - probably, "she found a place, and is preparing to move out". If he does that he'll just let that sit there, almost rubbing your nose in it that if you had just waited everything you would have wanted would have come true. He'll wait for you to blink. Or 2) it will be a health scare. Maybe him, one of his kids or maybe his wife. It won't be something verifiable like "I had a heart attack" or "my daughter was in an accident". It will be something like a test result that will require additional testing. This is a two fold gambit: 1) to elicit sympathy from you and 2) to put your "dispute" in perspective. It will also make you feel good that he's confiding in you. Don't fall for it. Also note: he'll want to see you in person to deliver the new information - I can't tell you on the phone. He'll know that you'll be weaker in his presence. When that doesn't work...

8. New Deal: He may or may not do this. But he might propose a "new deal". Some new structure. Perhaps he starts paying for your rent/mortgage. Maybe gets you a place. Makes firm commitments. He'll cast it as a way of "starting over with you". But it is really the same old deal because nothing has really changed. It is all "future". This happened to me a while ago though it was heartfelt and not manipulation. But it is really hard to tell the difference. Look to see if anything "current" changes - e.g. his marital status or being "out" with you. If that doesn't work....

9. Strong Begging: The last card he has to play is begging. He may not do this depending on how strong he is. But if he does he'll position it as "I'm a big strong man who has been brought to his knees by you because you're so wonderful/amazing etc. Only you could humble me like this". Plays to your ego. Not really begging, more an flattery play.  If that doesn't work....

10. Weak Begging: This is the bastion of the truly weak. He's just playing the pity card. This is childhood begging. There is no play here except that you'll wear down and take him back for one more night in the hopes that that one night will spark something in you. This can go on and on and may even vacillate in to lashing our and harassment. If he gets here, just block and delete if you haven't already. From here on out, there isn't anymore manipulation. it is just emotional breakdown and he's truly dangerous at that time. 

Hope this helps! Let us know what happens!

 

cwt

[mark clemson]

@Mrin Wow!

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

What he'll actually do will be to contact you in a few weeks when he thinks your resolve might be faltering and try to "make amends"

Yes that can certainly be a tactic.
He realises he has pushed things too far so he gives you time to cool down, time to miss him.
He shows up again, you fall into his arms, so relieved he has returned, there may  be some choice words exchanged but he throws a few ILYs in your direction and you are hooked again.
But the rules have changed a bit.
You are not so inclined to push him to leave...as you almost lost him...It then all goes back to "normal", he says he will leave sometime soon and you wait...
If you are determined to end this, then you have to be prepared.

[Mrin]

10 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

@Mrin Wow!

With the exception of #9 and #10 (usually) it is a pretty typical pattern that get used in business partnership disputes, joint ventures, etc... 9 and 10 are usually replaced with suing everyone under the sun. And then things get really interesting. Or the lawsuit (usually a threat) comes in at step 5. 

Edited February 14, 2020 by Mrin

[Husbandssecret]

Wow @Mrin that was amazing!! Thank you for laying that all out. It’s really helpful to know what to expect. The other weird thing is that he was soooo against me doing therapy. I think he knew it meant I would gain the strength to leave the situation. It’s so hard because I can’t tell what is manipulation and what is actual emotions/love. And even through this breakup, I can’t tell what is him being hurt (is he capable of that?) or what is manipulation. I have to remind myself he’s a master manipulator. I agree that he likely has no nefarious intentions with it, it’s just his personality and something he’s good at. He’s very good at getting people to do what he wants them to do. As you can tell I’m in the angry phase again. I spent most of the day in the sad sulky phase where you cry so much you have a headache and you’re pretty sure you have no tears left. You guys have been great with helping me navigate this. 

[Husbandssecret]

Also he’s already set himself up for the health tragedy which I think he did sensing I was getting ready to leave. He told me that his grandfather was put into hospice care this week. Naturally his wife and his Kids flew out to visit him this week because he couldn’t make it due to work.  

[Mrin]

His stance about being against therapy is probably one of two things:

1. Like you suspect - trying to keep you weak. 

2. Not wanting anyone else to know about your affair. 

It's probably number two unless he's really good at understanding how people work. 

[S2B]

Be cautious, it’s Valentine’s Day and he may send an abundance of flowers and gifts... just to get you to reconsider.

if not today - it may be in the next few days when he’s capable of making the purchase without his wife noticing.

it sucks to be the secret. 

[Husbandssecret]

3 minutes ago, S2B said:

Be cautious, it’s Valentine’s Day and he may send an abundance of flowers and gifts... just to get you to reconsider.

if not today - it may be in the next few days when he’s capable of making the purchase without his wife noticing.

it sucks to be the secret. 

I made things easy for him as the OW because I’m so easy going usually. I actually don’t like flowers so he’s never bought me any. He’s also never bought me a gift before and that never bothered me. But he has for sure tried to use Valentine’s Day as a thing against me. Technically I ended things yesterday and he said that I left him on Valentine’s Day. Which by the way in the past he’s never made Valentine’s Day a big deal. 

[S2B]

Mrin is spot on! The list is concise and accurate.

just remember - even IF he has a medical emergency it’s not like you can walk into a hospital and visit him. It’s his wife that will be there taking care of him.

and his fathers care? Well heck, he sent his family and stayed home to work - what a great guy. 😟

the guy isn’t divorcing - that’s what you need to know. And there’s no reason to waste one more day waiting on a known liar.

glad you are going to do therapy. you’ll gain clarity the longer you are away from him. I’d block all ways he can communicate with you. You’ll get better faster if you aren’t looking in the rear view mirror.

sheez, the guy didn’t even have to do gifts or flowers? You let him off easy.  Expect more from the next guy you date.

Edited February 15, 2020 by S2B

[LivingWaterPlease]

25 minutes ago, S2B said:

sheez, the guy didn’t even have to do gifts or flowers? You let him off easy.  Expect more from the next guy you date.

OP, nothing you've written about this guy makes him sound like a catch.  Add to that the above. What a loser. Don't mean to offend you.

You're young, beautiful, well educated.  You can do way better than this.  Fortunately, you're still young! Look on the bright side, you could be making this decision a couple years (or more) later!

[Husbandssecret]

29 minutes ago, S2B said:

Mrin is spot on! The list is concise and accurate.

just remember - even IF he has a medical emergency it’s not like you can walk into a hospital and visit him. It’s his wife that will be there taking care of him.

and his fathers care? Well heck, he sent his family and stayed home to work - what a great guy. 😟

the guy isn’t divorcing - that’s what you need to know. And there’s no reason to waste one more day waiting on a known liar.

glad you are going to do therapy. you’ll gain clarity the longer you are away from him. I’d block all ways he can communicate with you. You’ll get better faster if you aren’t looking in the rear view mirror.

sheez, the guy didn’t even have to do gifts or flowers? You let him off easy.  Expect more from the next guy you date.

I’m not quite to the blocking point but I know it will make it easier on me. It’s still very fresh and for some reason I want to see him grovel a bit. Sounds completely crazy I know. I do work with him and while I don’t see him everyday it’s enough to cause anxiety. I definitely let him off easy with the no gifts thing! I just haven’t been a material person. I’m well enough off that if there’s things I want I just buy it. Also it’s his grandfather who is ill, he’s visiting in a couple weeks. The not being able to get out of work I actually know is true and sucks. 
 

as for the anti therapy thing, I think it’s a little of both. He selfishly doesn’t want anyone to know (even though it’s confidential) and he has said before that the therapist would suggest we end things because that’s really the only problem in my life. He doesn’t want someone talking in my ear about how much better long term I would be by removing myself from this situation. 

[mark clemson]

5 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said:

I’m not quite to the blocking point but I know it will make it easier on me. It’s still very fresh and for some reason I want to see him grovel a bit. Sounds completely crazy I know.

Not really. You're only human and this hurts. You probably want to confirm he got hurt a bit too and/or feel you regained some power as these things tend to be very uneven.

 

5 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said:

I do work with him and while I don’t see him everyday it’s enough to cause anxiety.

Do be careful with that. Lotta potential for negatives in a work context. From him showing up unexpectedly to sneaky office tactics once it's fully over (if he's the type to bother with that). Hopefully none of that will happen and it certainly might not. But be on the lookout for that sort of stuff as well, potentially.

[heartwhole2]

I'll just say that his whining and lack of empathy and true concern for you are a real turn-off. Anyone has a right to end a relationship at any time, and someone who is being asked to wait for a married man who keeps punting cannot be expected to remain through thick and thin. And yet it's all about him . . . you left me on Valentine's Day, if you only you had waited, I can't make it past that . . . Where is his concern for what you're going through? Where is his respect for your needs and boundaries? (Of course, if he had these qualities in abundance, would he be having an affair?) Where is his perspective of what he's put you through for four years versus what you have proposed that is supposedly only for a few weeks? 

You met him when you were 22. You have a whole lifetime of healthy relationships to have in front of you. Do you think you're going to get that with this guy?

[S2B]

It’s likely he will wait until he thinks you aren’t mad anymore and try and find you at a weak moment to start up again. Do not meet him alone. His primary intention will be to convince you to go back to your OW position by making more empty promises. That’s why I say it’s not worth ANY conversation with him unless he shows proof his divorce is final.

and be ready with a good one liner when you bump into him unexpectedly - he will catch you off guard eventually... a ready response will be necessary. A response that protects you and shuts him down.

maybe something like “stay in your own lane!” Or a simple hand up gesture and “stop” to signal to him that you won’t talk to him...

but be ready...so you don’t get flustered in that moment.

 

and you should be mad!!! this guy wasted 4 years of your life by blatantly lying to you!!!

Edited February 15, 2020 by S2B

[assertives]

7 hours ago, Mrin said:

Echoing @mark clemson on this one. So one of the things I do for a living is talk people into doing things - e.g. contract negotiation/dispute mediation. What I've found is that some people are just gifted at manipulation and it sounds like he's one of them because he's hitting all the bases in the right order. And when I say manipulation I don't mean it in a negative way, rather in just a neutral way of getting people to do what they want. He may not even be aware of it and it doesn't mean it is a bad thing. This actually might be the natural progression in his mind. Here's the usual playbook for these folks and it more or less falls in this order and will probably give you a heads up on what's to come.

------ phone call -------

1. Collective Identity: "this when we need to be pulling together in a time of need" - shifts the conversation from a you vs. him to a "we" and as a happy little byproduct, gives you the "we" you have always wanted vs. a "her" (the wife). When that didn't work...

2. Sunk Cost Fallacy: "I can't believe you're doing this, we are so close to everything we want!" - this one is really powerful because confronting the sunk cost fallacy is really unpleasant for a lot of people. It means you get "nothing" for X number of years of "investment". Also makes you feel like a quitter and in western culture, very few things carry as much shame. When that didn't work...

3. Guilt Trip: "you're abandoning me in my time of need" - 'nuff said about this. Total fairness play. When that didn't work. 

4. Bluff Call/Acquiescence:  "if this is what you want...." this is actually a hard one because it means the manipulator is giving up his/her power. It is a gamble because it is a bluff call and you risk losing all power in the negotiation. When that doesn't work....

NOTE: all of the above is just good argumentation and most people are capable of it. There isn't anything nefarious here. Pretty much all breakups go through a pattern like this.

-------- post phone call ---------

5. Raise the Stakes: "there's no way I could come back from this..." This is part a reclamation of power when they don't respond to the bluff call. You also have to reject an important portion of the other person's position "call me when you've filed for divorce". It changes the location of the all the pieces on the board. It is also a secondary bluff call because it raises the stakes to such a point that you're likely to blink. When that doesn't work....

NOTE: this may or not be manipulation. This may just be a natural defensive move he needs to do to heal. The real manipulation is to come...

------- future --------- 

6. The Weighting Game:  Okay, now if he's smart he'll wait a prolonged period (2-3 weeks, no longer) of time for you to feel the weight of your decision. For the loneliness to kick in. You need to give the other person enough time for the strong emotions that triggered the break up to die down, the euphoria of standing up for yourself to wane and the novelty of "starting a new chapter" to become boring. Then you are left with that big empty hole in your life. If he waits more than 3 weeks then you actually start healing and become less vulnerable and open to him day by day. 

7. New Information: At the 2-3 week mark he'll contact you with "new information". My guess it is will be one of two things: 1) something to do with his divorce - probably, "she found a place, and is preparing to move out". If he does that he'll just let that sit there, almost rubbing your nose in it that if you had just waited everything you would have wanted would have come true. He'll wait for you to blink. Or 2) it will be a health scare. Maybe him, one of his kids or maybe his wife. It won't be something verifiable like "I had a heart attack" or "my daughter was in an accident". It will be something like a test result that will require additional testing. This is a two fold gambit: 1) to elicit sympathy from you and 2) to put your "dispute" in perspective. It will also make you feel good that he's confiding in you. Don't fall for it. Also note: he'll want to see you in person to deliver the new information - I can't tell you on the phone. He'll know that you'll be weaker in his presence. When that doesn't work...

8. New Deal: He may or may not do this. But he might propose a "new deal". Some new structure. Perhaps he starts paying for your rent/mortgage. Maybe gets you a place. Makes firm commitments. He'll cast it as a way of "starting over with you". But it is really the same old deal because nothing has really changed. It is all "future". This happened to me a while ago though it was heartfelt and not manipulation. But it is really hard to tell the difference. Look to see if anything "current" changes - e.g. his marital status or being "out" with you. If that doesn't work....

9. Strong Begging: The last card he has to play is begging. He may not do this depending on how strong he is. But if he does he'll position it as "I'm a big strong man who has been brought to his knees by you because you're so wonderful/amazing etc. Only you could humble me like this". Plays to your ego. Not really begging, more an flattery play.  If that doesn't work....

10. Weak Begging: This is the bastion of the truly weak. He's just playing the pity card. This is childhood begging. There is no play here except that you'll wear down and take him back for one more night in the hopes that that one night will spark something in you. This can go on and on and may even vacillate in to lashing our and harassment. If he gets here, just block and delete if you haven't already. From here on out, there isn't anymore manipulation. it is just emotional breakdown and he's truly dangerous at that time. 

Hope this helps! Let us know what happens!

 

cwt

Thanks for taking time to share all these with us. It's really helpful and insightful! Also, I'm not sure why when I read this post, @LilKatKat's exMM came to mind. Hope she'll see this too and gain some additional insight.

Edited February 15, 2020 by assertives

[Syre17]

10 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

I'll just say that his whining and lack of empathy and true concern for you are a real turn-off. Anyone has a right to end a relationship at any time, and someone who is being asked to wait for a married man who keeps punting cannot be expected to remain through thick and thin. And yet it's all about him . . . you left me on Valentine's Day, if you only you had waited, I can't make it past that . . . Where is his concern for what you're going through? Where is his respect for your needs and boundaries? (Of course, if he had these qualities in abundance, would he be having an affair?) Where is his perspective of what he's put you through for four years versus what you have proposed that is supposedly only for a few weeks? 

You met him when you were 22. You have a whole lifetime of healthy relationships to have in front of you. Do you think you're going to get that with this guy?

This is good and so true. A common theme with AP’s perhaps? I know this is in part what eventually changed my view of my former AP. I remember asking her once during an argument...”do you ever take my needs into account?” And “do you even care about what my needs are?” I think it goes without saying that you often can’t “rationalize” with the AP. At least that’s not what my experience was and it seems so from what I’ve read on here over the years. 

[Husbandssecret]

Thank you all for your input! It’s been very helpful. Today I’ve been struggling a lot with guilt. Guilt for wasting my time but then also I’ve been having guilt questioning if I made the right decision. I know deep down this is right for me and that there is a huge chance he’s nowhere close to ending his marriage, but I’m in my head today wondering what would happen if I would have hung on a little longer.

I think the problem is I keep comparing this to a healthy relationship. He just informed me his grandfather died. I know this can be a form of manipulation but I keep playing out the what if’s. What if his grandpa just died and I left him in the middle of a very terrible time? If it’s truly meant to be and he was really in love with me the way he says, is my leaving now forgivable? 
 

During our relationship, many times he would say that I focus too much on how the situation affects me and not enough on how it affects him and us. He said I tend to lean towards a negative perspective. I used to think he was so relaxed and wasn’t having as difficult time as me with it because he was better adapted, but now I wonder if it’s because he didn’t really care as much as I did. He just cared about limping it along longer. I’m struggling with what was real and what was tactics. It may not matter but that’s where I’m at right now...

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said:

He said I tend to lean towards a negative perspective.

I wonder why?
4 years of being strung along with exactly nothing to show for it, may have had something to do with it maybe???

[Mrin]

Stay strong OP. You're in the Weighting Game right now. You just need to get through it.

[Syre17]

53 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Stay strong OP. You're in the Weighting Game right now. You just need to get through it.

OP, agree with Mrin on this. 

Its going to be TOUGH to make/keep the break, I’m not going to sugar coat it and say it isn’t or won’t be. Take it from me, someone who “relapsed” many many times. Just take it hour by hour, day by day, week by week. Every second is a small victory for you, and worth celebrating. If you stay the course, as hard as that may seem right now, you’ll eventually reach the “tipping point” where you begin to realize and see that your peace of mind, level of stress, inner peace and emotional well-being will be a whole lot better without the affair/AP. 

Agree with many of the other comments that if this guy really loved and cared about you, giving him the time and space to do what he needs in order to be with you, wouldn’t even be a concern of his.

To suggest or imply that you’re somehow “abandoning” him in light of his grandfathers death is nonsensical. Coming from him, who has dawdled you along all this time? Let me give you another perspective...think of it as role reversal... Two weeks after I left my wife, I unexpectedly lost my job, and then about three weeks after that, I lost my grandfather, who was my childhood hero and father figure for a good part of my life. Outside of the continued sneaking around, hiding our “relationship” and meeting up here and there, my former AP gave me NO support. In MY time of need, she was still with her H every night, taking their family vacations, blah blah blah... Please don’t be fooled by him and anything from him suggesting you’re the bad one here.