Trying to calm the Rage

[Bnoel15]

I am a newly divorced woman with 4 children. Three are grown and one is in high school. My ex left me for another woman after 17 years and I am ok with that. My biggest issue is the kids. Growing up my father was never around and I never wanted that for my children. I understand that three of the four are grown but it hurts when they all come to me with the same issue, dad is never around. We had a his, mine, and ours type of situation and the youngest is ours together. The ex is suppose to exercise his parental rights on his days off but he always has the same excuse. We have been separated/divorced for 6 months and it came as a shock to everyone. Our son is very active in sports and has the normal teenage social life. Their have been a couple of times where our son has asked him to pick him up from either practices or a friends house and he has told him that he couldn't because he wanted to spend time with the girlfriend. Now, you all you probably like this is normal, but every time our son has ask him I get the emotional part of it all. The ex will come to me asking why our son will not talk to him and I do not know what he is wanting me to do. I have not cut any of the kids out and I talk to all of them as much as possible. 

My biggest concern at this point are my kids and my bottled up anger that I get with this situation. I control it by not saying anything but it eats me alive inside and I am not sure how much more I can take. The new girlfriend has called me telling me that I do not need to talk to the ex but it impossible because we have a child together. She brings up thing that me, my kids, and the ex only know and she tells me about everything they did when were still married. This rage gets to me so bad I have to leave my house and cry during car rides. I am just curious if anyone else on here has the same issues or have dealt with the same issues? I try my best to not let it bother me but these are my kids and I don't like to see them hurt. It breaks my heart every time this subject comes up and now our son is at a point where he wants nothing to do with his father. 

I really want some advice or pointers to help me not get so angry and to calm the rage before I feel like I could just explode. 

Thanks.

[Blind-Sided]

First... I'm very sorry about what you are going through.  There are a lot of us here that can relate to this situation.

I guess the first thing I would do is to tell his new GF to butt out, because she has no LEGAL reason to open her mouth about how you deal with the kid(s). Not to mention, regardless of the truth... she will take his side. (Just like I know it's pointless to try to talk to my ex's family who use to like me to give them the real story)

The second part is to talk with your ex, and tell him the reason that his son isn't talking with him, is because he's not being part of his life. (With missing things) Also... I would start to take notes on every time he skips out on a day that he should have his kid(s).  Then bring up the point that you can have the child support adjusted if he isn't doing his fair share.

Unfortunately... the anger side of things is only controlled by you. Not talking with his GF will probably help.  But you should take pride that you are doing the right thing for the kids.  That's what brings a smile to my face.  When my ex comes over to pick up our youngest kid... I smile because I know the truth, and that my girls love me.  The ex shows up pissed off all the time, because she is still stirring the pot in hopes that she can ruin me.  Today, I got a doozy of a reason to be angry at the ex from my oldest daughter.  But, I told my kid to contact her advocate (court ordered) and tell her the story.  I don't get angry or sad anymore because I know I have taken the legal high-road, and I still have 2 kids that love me.  The ex on the other hand... has lost the respect of her daughter.

I wish you peace in moving forward.

[Bnoel15]

Thank you. I really do appreciate it. I thought it was getting easier but he started bringing her around the holidays and my kids were pissed because it had only been a few months since the separation. He had always talked with other women online and the one before this was my last straw. Mentally I had checked out but was hanging in there for my kids. Then this new GF came about two years ago. When she calls she brings up times that I was not home but the kids were. I told her the last time she called that I couldn't prove that it was her calling so I would just have him arrested for harassment and she hung up. She has an app that does not bring up a number and it automatically erases as soon as she hangs up. Its like I am talking to a ghost. As far as him I can't even stand looking at him. I try to get a along for the kids and they have told me not to but I don't know, I feel like he is up to something when he is here. 

[Blind-Sided]

Get a recorder app on your phone.  I have one called easy voice recorder.  I've needed to use it a few times.  I have it set up where if I click the power button 3 times... it just starts recording. Also... I had it set up to record EVERY phone call.  Needless to say, I delete what I don't need. It's a free app. 

With that said... since you feel like you are being harassed... I would tell the ex, and his GF to not call anymore, and everything needs to be done via a messaging app. After my ex took me and our oldest daughter to court on "contempt" of our custody agreement (fyi, I was found not to be)... we were ordered to use a program called Our Family Wizard. At first I was opposed to it... but now, I kind of like it.  It's a blend of txt, and email.  It also has a calendar and expense report.  The nice thing is... the judge, and lawyers can see everything, and no one can erase it once it's been entered.

Finally... just stop answering calls that you don't know the number.  Because of all the telemarketers... I haven't answered an unrecognized number in years.  SO... even if she is using an app to make her call private... just don't answer.

Just a question... is it just one kid who is part of this? (The rest are over 18)

[Bnoel15]

The reason as to why I answer is because my sons school comes up unknown but their number is usually listed underneath. Our son is the one who is a freshman in high school. His oldest is 22 and 21   and and my oldest is 19 and our son is 15. I raised his daughter so she is basically mine and he raised my daughter. The girls either come to the house and tell me things that he has done or they call. My daughter still lives here with me and she is always gone. My daughter was really upset when he first left because he was saying that they were never close. Then my other daughter was just a mess thinking that I was going to cut her out of my life and I told her I would never do that. Our son has an issue because he has a girlfriend and the ex is always giving him hell over not spending time with him but then he does the same thing to our son. I just feel disrespected a lot of the time because he makes me feel like I did something to him and I haven't. When I bring up the kids he gets all huffy puffy and won't answer the phone. Here's the thing though, I will leave him alone, I won't call or text, nothing. Then he calls me out of the blue and its usually over petty stuff. It has nothing to do with the kids or the divorce. It's almost like he knows I am happy and come right in and takes it away. I just want to finish raising my son and be happy. I feel like when I am angry I cannot pull myself out of that funk. I get down on myself and the anger just keeps building up. I almost feel like I am depressed. I don't like that feeling. I don't ask about him and her to the kids because I just do not care. The kids bring them up because they are mad and I will sit and listen. I do not say anything bad about their dad I am just not that person but I do get mad hen the kids tell me things that he has done. All I heard for 17 years is its about the kids and now all of a sudden because he has this GF its like the kids no longer play a part in his life.

[Blind-Sided]

9 hours ago, Bnoel15 said:

................. Here's the thing though, I will leave him alone, I won't call or text, nothing. Then he calls me out of the blue and its usually over petty stuff. It has nothing to do with the kids or the divorce. It's almost like he knows I am happy and come right in and takes it away...................

I can relate to this.  But mine came before the ex actually moved out.  You need to understand, my ex was spreading lies and one of them was my kids were scared of me, and didn't love me anymore. (She would say that to me in my more emotion times to make me worse) Anyway... when the ex was starting to get her junk together, to get out... me and my girls would be sitting and playing games together. (having fun) She would walk up to us and do things like showing my kids pictures and say... "Look, your new curtains, for your NEW room have shipped."   Just like with you... she could see we were happy, and she just wanted to break that happiness.

For me... once my ex was out of my house... that's when I was able to just not care anymore.  Now... this may sound bad... but on some level... her anger and hate actually makes me smile.  No... I'm not a masochist, or an evil person....  But I know nothing she can do will effect me any longer. Also... before she actually filed for the divorce, she would tell me she just wasn't happy... and I would ask... "How is ripping a family apart, and starting over going to make you happy?"  Now that she is on her own... and she isn't happy... it proved my point.  Needless to say... she will say how happy she is, while angry and yelling.  Sure, I feel bad for my oldest kid, and the BS she has to deal with... but as I was saying... most of my happiness comes from me helping my daughter cope with this.  

Now, the other side of this is... I do have an 8yo daughter also.  Generally, I have to see my ex every day because when I'm not traveling, I can work from home. So... I make sure my 8yo gets on and off the bus for school.   But there have been a few times where the ex has come, and tried to be angry, and yell about something... and I've simply said... "There's no anger in this house anymore... so shut your month, and send me a message."  That hasn't happened in a while, because she knows I will just shut the door.  Not to mention... I think she likes the Family wizard app now, because she thinks she is right.

Ultimately, I was able to let go of my anger because I know it was all just lies for her to justify what she did.  Try to look at the good (the kids/the truth) like I did.  Otherwise, you may need to talk with a counselor.

Edited February 14, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry to hear this. Your ex is immature and apparently not committed to his children, and he's very wimpy to not tell his gf to stop calling.

Your bitterness and rage are understandable. They stem not just from your ex's departure, but from the fact that you stayed in the miserable relationship "for the children" and he left anyway and is an iffy dad. 

I think you need to find ways to process your rage. Are their girlfriends you can talk to who will hear you out? Can you afford a therapist? Even for a few sessions, a therapist could be enormously helpful. Part of your rage is probably anger at yourself for staying in the relationship with this guy, who didn't deserve your commitment. Part of you feels suckered for getting involved with this guy ... That's the problem with getting involved with immature people. They just never seem to rise to the occasion. (I had an ex like this--just lucky I didn't have children with her.)

A therapist can be really good at helping us forgive ourselves and let go of self-criticism and can be good at just helping us feel understood and sane.

You have the right to tell the gf off ... no need to hold your tongue with her. No need to hold your tongue with your ex. You don't want to go off on your ex with the kids, though you don't have to cover for him.  You can directly state your disappointment when the kids bring you their disappointment with him. Expressing your disappointment (hopefully containing the rage to a little anger) is not harmful for the kids. In fact, your disappointment will allow the kids to feel like what they're feeling is normal, and not something made up. 

Others may disagree, but I think it's even OK to let a little of your healthy anger out when the kids bring you a story. You don't want to get angry with them. But no need to spend energy to hide your own pain. Hiding your own pain will only wear you down.

Have you consulted with a divorce attorney yet? That should be high on your list! You want to get going there because you don't want to be cheated out any child support you deserve. And the divorce attorney will have tips on how to go forward. Divorce attorneys, almost by definition, are also counselors (to a small degree) ... and meeting with one for a consultation will probably leave you feeling clearer. 

Covering for a delinquent ex sounds good on paper (so the kids can have positive feelings for the ex). But in reality, a lame ex is often a lame parent after separation or divorce. Pretending he isn't with the kids is not a sustainable strategy and can leave them feeling weird. They can feel abandoned by the ex, then talk to you (and you stay silent) and then question their own sanity. That's not good for them or for you. 

 

 

 

Edited February 14, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Bnoel15]

The paper work was filed on Thursday. We went to court on the 28. My divorce is final. I am getting alimony and child support. I just can not stand to look at him. He says all the time that he wants to remain friends but I don't think I can. He has put me through the ringer and I cannot take anymore stress. Most of the time I feel as though I am losing my mind and I don't know how much more I can take. The GF I do not take her s*** but I say things that make her mad and hang up on me. The last time she called I Threatened to have the ex thrown in Jail. I have went through all the hoops but he wants control still and he is losing control and he gets mad.