I'm unsure if I have ever truly loved my husband

[Soulsearching8]

Here lately I've been questioning my marriage. I probably shouldn't be, but I feel very empty.  I've been searching inside myself on why I feel this way so I will back up to the beginning.

We went on a few small dates and I was interested in him. He was good looking and a nice person. Something I wasnt used to, so it certainly was a nice change to be treated well.  One night we finally did the deed and I ended up with hsv1 downstairs.  He didnt disclose he had hsv1 or cold sores etc.  From that moment on I felt "trapped."  I had so many thoughts of nobody will ever want me, I have to make this work out, I'm stuck, etc. 

I have secretly resented him for this since it has happened, but I felt I was left with no other choice.  He is a good dad and a good person.  I also think I settled because I knew he was a good person and ultimately I needed someone to treat me well after being in 2 abusive relationships, one worse than the other.  He certainly tries, I know he loves me, but I dont feel like I have the same love for him.  In the first year of our relationship I was regularly ditched so he could get hammered every weekend while playing golf, but he eventually settled down some when I asked if he could take me sometimes and teach me to play. (He has drastically cut back on alcohol since then) 

Then eventually it stopped all together because we really dont have time anymore, but we also dont make time when I know we could. It was nice to be out in nature, I enjoyed that part the most. Since our relationship started in 2013 I have done things with him that he enjoys like golf and go to games (more times than I can count) to try and find a common ground and spend time together, but I can only think of 2 times we've ever done anything that's a true interest of mine. 

Everytime I've tried to plan things for him to try with me that I like, he talks it down and it's never spoken of again.  He initiates nothing. I dont mind planning things for all of us as a family or even things for us to do, but for once it would be nice for him to surprise me with something.  He used to ignore me all the time.  I would try so hard to have deep conversations or light talk with him and hed never respond.  If I talk to him when we're in the car he doesnt ever talk back to me. I've gotten to the point where I just have stopped talking unless I have to. Does he even care?  Am I being too petty? Am I holding a grudge because of how it all started? 

Everything feels forced.  Our love doesnt feel natural and it never really has.  I've talked to him about it and for a while we were both trying, but now everything has went back to the same.  Maybe we both stopped trying, I'm not really sure.  It was going ok for a couple months, but sort of went right back to the way it was.  I know my hearts not fully in it. Maybe I'm just hanging around because of the kids.  I know I'm not perfect at all.  I tried talking to my mom about it, but I got accused of cheating. 

I will clarify that I have not cheated on him in any way, shape, or form.  I dont really understand my feelings at this point. I'm not sure if I need to try to let go of my resentment and start fresh.  Maybe I'm being selfish.  I just feel hollow. Maybe it's not my relationship at all, maybe it's something deep inside me causing this turmoil.  I'm scared to leave and I worry if I stay I will just be existing for the rest of my life.  Has anyone ever felt this way?  

Edited February 14, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add paragraphs

[Soulsearching8]

I have been considering that.  I'm not sure how well that will go over when I bring it up.  I'm working on building up the courage to ask at the moment. 

Edited February 14, 2020 by Soulsearching8

[mark clemson]

I like the counseling suggestion as well. You could start alone and then bring him in when the counselor suggests it (including right at first if that's what the counselor wants).

As for "how it will go over" - how will it go over when you abruptly announce that you've had enough and you're leaving him? I think there's a decent chance that's where this all leads if left unchecked. Both your needs need to be met to a reasonable extent in a marriage.

How's the sex? I'm going to guess infrequent? Ramping that up (if possible) may make him feel more appreciated (although that's clearly NOT at all all that's going on here).

[Soulsearching8]

7 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I like the counseling suggestion as well. You could start alone and then bring him in when the counselor suggests it (including right at first if that's what the counselor wants).

As for "how it will go over" - how will it go over when you abruptly announce that you've had enough and you're leaving him? I think there's a decent chance that's where this all leads if left unchecked. Both your needs need to be met to a reasonable extent in a marriage.

How's the sex? I'm going to guess infrequent? Ramping that up (if possible) may make him feel more appreciated (although that's clearly NOT at all all that's going on here).

I will start looking into counselors in my area. 

You are right.  I wouldn't just abruptly leave.  I have brought up my feelings and concerns a few times in the past year.  The last time I did, he asked me when I was leaving.  I never said I was leaving or even suggested it.  He said he assumed that's what I was implying, not that he wanted me to go.  I dont really know if he meant that. 

The sex life needs work.  We did try experimenting some, but that didnt really go well.  Anytime he asks for it I give it up, but that only happens maybe once a month or so.  My sex drive is much, much higher than his.  A lot of times hes really tired, so i find it unfair to demand that from him.  He usually doesnt go to bed when I do, so it does make it hard and I get up at 4am for work so I cant really stay up waiting on him everytime, but sometimes I do.  

[mark clemson]

Ah, ok - so that is one thing to consider working on - increased intimacy. Men can be different and while many are "horndogs" others may only want/have energy for 1/month. However, YOUR needs should be (to a reasonable extent) met as well - in that area and certainly in the more general non-sexual "us time" and closeness you have mentioned as well. Finding more time/better ways for approaching all of those things will be difficult, but will probably be necessary.

It's odd that he mentioned you leaving - clearly he feels something is wrong or he wouldn't have said that (unless he was trying to make a joke).

As for experimenting, some folks "like what they're used to". Particularly if energy is an issue I suspect. If the other partner wants to experiment more, they'll have to ease into that quite gradually and be prepared for limits on what the more sexually conservative partner will do.

Bottom line - I do think if he wants (as you do?) to make the marriage work again he'll need to put some effort into that, as will you. Counseling is probably one of the easier ways to do that (rather than trying to figure out everything yourselves). That may actually be a good selling point if time/energy is an issue. The counselor may be able to identify the pain points a bit better as well and do some of the thinking for you guys from an outside perspective.

There are no guarantees. That said, ultimately the key to a marriage continuing is that both partners choose to continue it. In that light, it's IMO probably positive that he stated outright that he doesn't want you to go. Probably one of the better signs in this.

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, you got married, frankly, for a terrible reason: because you got hsv1 from him and thought (mistakenly) that you had no options. Then you pretended this didn't happen. 

You didn't go through the rage of being betrayed by him ... even if he didn't "mean" to give you hsv1. Sounds like you didn't go through sadness about this with him. You just wished it all way. Which is what young people sometimes do in their less than wise states. And the shame and embarrassment burned you ... You really needed to go to intense counseling after you got the condition ... so you could think clearly and see all options. 

I happen to know people who have herpes and who have disclosed this ahead of time and gone on to have very successful relationships. I know that sounds hard to believe, but these people I know who have had healthy relationships ... definitely did a lot of emotional work on themselves. 

So I'm confused about why you are puzzled about your emptiness. The reason for your emptiness is quite apparent: you have unprocessed anger and resentment ... and ... and you got married out of shame and embarrassment, that he might be the only one to take you. Also, you married because apparently previous relationships were really bad. Not a good reason to marry someone.

I'm not saying you can't have a happier marriage, but you will have to open up a discussion about herpes and your anger ... and you definitely would benefit from getting to a counselor. Your empty feeling is quite normal, seems to me. You put your head down and closed your eyes and strained and squinted and pushed your way through the initial years of the marriage. Now, your spirit is exhausted, doesn't want to work so hard.

 

[schlumpy]

What is that you are looking for to fill the empty void within you?

You mentioned sex, so I will assume that is one item. That can be worked on if both of you agree. I don't get the feeling that you are that enthusiastic about more sex with your husband though, just more sex. Not suggesting anything along the lines of you cheating but he could be picking up on that. As a general statement, I would say that most people experience heightened pleasure when they know their SO desires them which leads to increased bedroom activity.

Do your children do anything to fill this void? After all, they are a shared vital hard link to your SO. Does their welfare prompt you to try and work through your difficulties?

Are you looking to fill the void with affection? Does it feel good to know that he's on his way home? Does he smile at you when he walks in the door? Do you use terms of endearment just between the two of you? Do you seek to hold his hand when out in public? You have to express affection to receive it, although with some people it's like throwing yourself against a wall.

I don't know if you can work on the affection part. You can go through the motions. So many people do. It doesn't work in the long run except to keep the peace. It is possible to rebuild.

It's understandable that you would retain a long term resentment towards someone who infected you with a common disease. It is a bit more intimate then the common cold as well as long lasting. I'm surprised you married especially If he knew he was infected and did not provide protection. A bit of a selfish flaw in his character.

I have to say that I see a woman who is on the fence but leaning towards the outside. I don't know if you can save your marriage, but I do believe that individual counseling will help you make the correct decision for yourself.

[JS84]

You married the guy because he gave you Herpes? I'm sorry but I can't even wrap my head around that logic. Anyway here is a link on Herpes regarding how many people have it and why the stigma is worse than the disease. I've been an ER nurse for 7 years and do STD checks all the time. Many ERs, clinics, urgent cares etc won't even test for Herpes when you go in for an STD test unless you specifically request it or are having symptoms because again the stigma is worse than the disease. Which is really just periodic cold sores and rashes. That's it. Herpes won't kill you, won't effect your reproductive organs, won't give you cancer, won't travel through your bloodstream to your brain or other vital organs like other STDs do.

I have friends who have Herpes who still date and have relationships with others.  You could have still dated and met someone you actually cared about and vice versa even with Herpes.

You didn't get trapped,  you trapped yourself.

The Overblown Stigma of Genital Herpes For many people living with this common disease, the most debilitating symptoms are shame and isolation.

Edited February 20, 2020 by JS84