Friend unable to accept differing views to hers

[homecoming]

I have known X for several years. She is younger than me by several years, and we became friends gradually. The 'friendship' is mainly us talking over the phone, meeting up occasionally. It isn't really the sort of friendship I truly want - it's not very physical, and most of the time, I feel like an outsider on X's 'true' life. 

One thing that I struggle with is that X seems to be unable to accept differing views. For example, she expressed that a certain race of man are all attracted to the same physical build of woman. I, being older and having had different experiences to her, don't really see this. I expressed that I didn't think that, and it always, whenever I say something opposing, turns into a paragraph-sending frenzy. She seems to think that her anecdotal experiences on life are the only view. I have in the past lied and pretended to go along with whatever she's saying, but I couldn't really do it anymore. 

Today she sent me a video of her ex-boyfriend's eyes and said he has "lighter" eyes than most people of the same race. I disagreed, and said well, I think everyone's different, my uncle has light eyes, there isn't a benchmark of eye colour. To this, she suddenly reacted and told me that she doesn't want to be friends with me any more, because I always have a problem with her. She then blocked me everywhere (this blocking action is something she does often). 

The 'problem' she's referring to is that often she will make a statement, and I will say well no, that's not my experience/view/opinion. She seems to view this as a personal attack on her, rather than just someone saying "I don't agree". She then projects it onto me and makes out I am the unhealthy party, cuts me out of her life, blocks me. I couldn't tell you how many times she has done this, but it did reach the point that I was going along with everything she said, just to prevent these blow-ups.

I recognise that the friendship, at times, is quite co-dependent. I believe I am in the friendship for many reasons, such as loneliness, and at times needing the emotional support. Other than that, I find her to be quite draining and difficult to be my true self with. I have another friend who I don't have ANY issues with, and I feel as if X is trying to make it look as if I am the issue. 

I find that the blocking didn't really bother me on this occasion, as she's done it countless times, and if I am truly honest, I would like to move away from this friendship as it doesn't really satisfy me in many ways. But I am at a point in my life where I have just lost a partner, and am often extremely lonely. I know that I often put up with unstable behaviour from others just so that I can get 'approval', but this doesn't really feel worth it. I'd like to just stop talking to her, as I can't and don't want to deal with these constant disruptions - but I feel like then I'll just have no-one? 

[d0nnivain]

You think having her is better then nothing.  Maybe in very small doses but the more time & energy you devote to her the less energy you have to change the situation & meet new people. 

You said you just lost a partner.  I'm sorry for your pain. 

When you are a bit stronger so something to expand your circle.  Volunteer somewhere.  Join a club.  Just do something new.  You will feel better overall

[homecoming]

Yes, for years I've felt that having her 'around' was better than nothing. I really struggle with loneliness and that, I think, has been the main driving force between my continued contact with her. I have put a lot of energy into the situation, whereas she seems able to just cut me off, unannounced (I've just found out that she has changed her number, too). For her the absence obviously doesn't matter, whereas she is one of only two people I have in my life, so I feel it more. 

Thank you for the kind words. I have been trying to heal from the break up and working on myself a bit - I will start doing more things (as you suggested) over the summer, and just go from there. I've spent too many years waiting for this person to be decent towards me.

[preraph]

I have an old friend who will contradict everything she doesn't view as positive. I finally just had to crawl up her butt about it. I told her the most negative thing a person can do is contradict someone every time they said something that didn't have a positive spin on it. She did pretty much quit after that but I had to get nasty with her about it. Her excuse was she said she does it for herself, to make herself feel better, and it's something that both her and her sister do together and so they validate each other. They lost a mother when they were I guess teenagers, and this somehow became their coping mechanism that and hating medicine and doctors.

 

So when she said she doesn't for herself, I said, Then keep it to yourself.

[contel3]

This sounds annoying. Especially the blocking and unblocking part. I had a similar experience with a friend once, but from the opposite perspective. I felt like she was trying to contradict me on really inconsequential stuff, just for the sake of spiting me. I remember us having a disagreement about which vegetables taste best. I got really upset, not because she didn't agree with me but because I felt like she was doing it to get on my nerves. Maybe she also feels this way? There were very many other problems adding to this though.

You seem to be arguing a lot about race related topics, maybe this also plays into it. 

[homecoming]

@contel3

The race thing; we are both Caribbean (black) and she has recently become very pro-black, and I personally feel that she thinks she is now the authority on all things black. I find that the things she says don't align with my experience of being black, and when I speak out about it, she ends up sending paragraphs about it, which I find very draining. 

That, though, is just the latest 'thing'. Whenever she gets into something, she'll become the authority on it. For example, she was out the other day with her toddler, and he fell over into dog mess on the street. She then started complaining to me, about how dog owners should be fined, that people need to think about small children more, etc. As a previous dog owner, I know that children were not on my mind when I was exercising my dog, and sometimes there are occasions where you don't have poo bags on you, or whatever - that it's simply not about lazy and incompetent dog owners. She didn't like this, and sent paragraphs again. 

It's as if she doesn't like or can't handle or accept people having differing views/opinions, and takes things very personally. I don't know if I'm articulating it well, and maybe she isn't doing anything wrong, but she has always been like this. She has other friends who she allows to talk directly and firmly to her, yet I have never been able to (because of her reactions) and have spent years keeping my true opinions to myself. Any slight disagreement ends in her often blocking me. I am not saying I'm some sort of angel, but I don't recall ever blocking someone or cutting them out with such regularity - or ever, actually. 

She has always been like this. She is very childlike in her view of the world, in that everyone is 'nice' constantly, and everyone agrees with her and the world is aligned to her views. That's perhaps not wrong, but when it causes me to be on the receiving end of constant unstable reactions, I don't like it. 

She tried emailing me last night, with what looked like a paragraph. I didn't read it, and just told her not to contact me again. I think we just probably don't get on, and that's fine. At this stage I've no desire to get back in touch with her, after her blocking me for literally nothing, yesterday. 

 

[preraph]

She's one of those people who gets just enough information to be dangerous and argumentative.  I'm sure her sources probably don't go beyond what she reads on social media, either.  It sounds like the kind of stuff she finds fault with is mostly her trying to justify why she's already angry and can't get along in life.  

[homecoming]

@preraph

You are spot on. I have never known her to get information from anywhere other than Facebook, YouTube or Instagram. That's not a problem itself, but most people (I feel) absorb and acquire information from many other sources. That has long been a bug bear of mine; she doesn't have a grasp on the world outside of social media, which I've always found odd. An ex of hers told her that she lacked 'general knowledge', which is true. 

[preraph]

Well, the problem with it is that she's only getting the information she's seeking, so she's only seeing what she WANTS to believe.  Confirmation bias.  I mean, you can get good info from, say, Twitter, if you read newspapers and official reports on there, but I'm sure that's not what she's doing.   

[homecoming]

Of course, that's true. You're actually spot on. She isn't doing that, no. She chooses what media to consume, and that's also probably why she doesn't like it when she hears someone (me) saying something that's not aligning with her beliefs. It's actually become quite problematic in her relationships with others.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

A lot of people have the same problem on this forum, luckily your friend cant report you to the mods! 😀

Joking aside, echo chambers are dangerous; an opinion outside of your own is important to have, this is a blessing, not a curse, you just have to change the way you view the situation.

[JTSW]

This 'friendship' is unhealthy.

You are as stubborn as each other and you are never going to get on properly.

But she is still young and immature. The constant blocking and unblocking shows that.

Put the breaks on and block her. 

You don't need hers or anyone's approval. 

Block her everywhere and leave it at that. 

[homecoming]

@JTSW

I'm open to constructive criticism; I know I can often be stubborn in some ways, how do you think I'm stubborn in this situation?

I've told her not to contact me again, I can't block her because she changed her number, but I have made it clear to her that these repetitive cycles are not going to continue. She hasn't messaged (emailed) since, so hopefully she gets it. 

You're right though, I don't need approval from her or anyone, really. 

[2BGoodAgain]

she's insecure or semi believes what you've said.

. when you know what you know, and believe it, nothing anyone else says, won't rattle you.

for example, let's say I believe in a God and pretty comfortable with my faith. Someone comes to me and says her kettle teapot is her God and no other God exists except her kettle teacup. I smile, and nod my head and say good for you. I am neither threatened by it nor feel a need to attack the other "god" or the person that the other person believes in, b/c i am secure in my faith.

it's a silly example of extremes, but you get the idea.

When you are insecure in the belief you hold, you feel the need to attack the other idea, b/c it's a threat to you somehow. 

at least, that's how i view people who seem so agitated by differing views. I could be wrong.

 

[Luna66star]

I know how this feels with a friend of mine.  She loves giving me advice about my life.  Specifically, I am into holistic and natural remedies.  When i told her some herbal tea really helped my stiff joints, she ranted that it was all Hogwash and not medically proven to work.  I said that may be, but I felt less stiff in my joints after taking it for 2 wks.

I held my ground that it helped.  She found an article on line negating herbal products and was on a mission to prove me wrong.  Only it didn't change my opinion in the least because the product alleviated my stiffness. 

She was quite indignant that I didn't hold her view on the subject.  She said "why dont you listen to anything I say?"  Frequently she sends articles trying to get me to go more medically orientated solutions.  I read them and say thanks but I still remain more holistically focused.

In this regard she is controlling, much like your friend is.  I cant have my own opinion about things it seems.  I feel like you do most often that she is not really a suitable personality for me.  I have kept her around due to loneliness at times.

I'm at the point now where I want to let it go.

 

.

 

[homecoming]

@Luna66star

That sounds quite frustrating. Regardless of whether it 'works' or not, that's your belief and you really are entitled to feel that way. It seems that many people struggle with knowing how to communicate differences or accepting differences. There are ways to say "I'm glad that works for you, but that's not my belief" without trying to belittle someone at the same time. 

In regard to the loneliness aspect, that makes it a lot harder. It's often easier to just put up with the disagreements than it is the loneliness, that's for sure. Haven't spoken to my friend for a long time now, and I do feel very very lonely at times. But the stress isn't worth it - as I'm sure it isn't worth it for you, either.

Sorry you've had this experience too. All I'd say is to really reflect on the friendship, and decide how much more time you want to feel this way.. that's what I did. Wasted too much time on being stressed. I will say that having not spoken to my friend for a while, even though I'm lonely, I'm a lot more calm and not stressed!

[homecoming]

Well, last night I received an email from the friend mentioned in the OP. This is typical behaviour from her; she will cut me out and then email me weeks/months later. 

In the email, she expressed that she'd lost someone she knows due to suicide, and that it's led to her wanting to express "love" to those she cares about. She asked me how I am, and how I am getting on with my university work, and that she cares about me even though we haven't worked out as friends. 

I haven't responded, because.. I don't know. I just don't feel like she truly does care about me or how I feel, and is only reaching out because SHE has suffered a loss. I am tempted to respond, because I am incredibly lonely and struggling with depression right now, but I know that it's just going to keep going around in the same circle. Also, I didn't ask her to change her number in the first place. I won't respond (if I do at all) for a while, anyway.