MajesticHybrid Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 Going through a bit of a internal struggle right now with my marriage. I’m having a hard time getting past my wife’s annoyances. The old stereotype of spouses driving each other crazy and yet still loving each other is bothering me. I basically have a really hard time believing my wife is in love with me and attracted to me while at the same time she’s ticked off about me not disciplining the children correctly, putting the laundry away right, loading the dishwasher correctly or whatever... I simply cannot reconcile those image with the image of her saying she loves me or acting turned on by me. I just don’t get it. Personally if I were annoyed with her so much. I’d leave. No point in living a life like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 We can get very annoyed with people we love. There is no concentration there. In fact, you spend lots of time with a spouse you love ... and that ample time is what makes it so we can get on each other's nerves. "Love" is a very imprecise word with many meanings and shades of meaning. You might be interpreting the world a bit too literally. People can love you and want to divorce you. Just because you "love" someone doesn't mean you should be married to them or that you can create a good marriage with them. You are interpreting your wife's love as "in the moment" feeling. No, it's not. I think a word that would help you understand things more is the word "like." Ironically people can love another person and over time not particularly like them. Sounds like you and your wife don't like each other during these contentious times. A woman I know makes a good case for "liking" someone being more important than "loving" someone. So you're right to be alarmed by the conflict in your marriage. Keep fighting as you guys are ... and she'll lose whatever "love" feeling she has ... and you'll lose that "in love" feeling." Or she will feel whatever deep love she has for you ... and want to get away from you (and vice versa). You have to pay attention to the context in which someone uses the word, "love." It takes way more than love for a marriage to thrive. Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 1 hour ago, MajesticHybrid said: I’m having a hard time getting past my wife’s annoyances. The old stereotype of spouses driving each other crazy and yet still loving each other is bothering me. I basically have a really hard time believing my wife is in love with me and attracted to me while at the same time she’s ticked off about me not disciplining the children correctly, putting the laundry away right, loading the dishwasher correctly or whatever... I will likely get shot down in flames on this one.... Women do not love the same as a man. That is not totally true but closer than saying they do love the same. As child bearing is a major part/need in a woman's life, evolution has made it necessary to consider what a man can provide/supply to there life. Part of their love is based/built on this. Your love as a man is more based/built on the past and now, that's why you are not liking the complaining. But by your wife complaining she is telling you your actions or lack of actions is hurting her love for you that she developed in the can provide/supply part. IMO only..... I tried to keep it simple.... Link to post Share on other sites
Baman Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 You could live in separate homes reasonably close to each other... It's a thing called Living Apart Together (LAT) not to be confused with LDR (long distance relationship) It's hard but so is living in a house where you don't get along. Anyway, if you are curious just hit google... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 Annoyances are a normal and human part of living with ANYONE - don't tell me you got along just fine 100% of the time with your siblings or parents or roommates. If they are reaching an extent that is detrimental to your relationship (and it sounds like they are), then that is a problem, but you can't expect to live in the same house with someone long-term and literally never get annoyed at them ever. It's just not humanly possible. I recommend MC. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 7 hours ago, MajesticHybrid said: I basically have a really hard time believing my wife is in love with me and attracted to me while at the same time she’s ticked off about me not disciplining the children correctly, putting the laundry away right, loading the dishwasher correctly or whatever... I simply cannot reconcile those image with the image of her saying she loves me or acting turned on by me. I just don’t get it. Personally if I were annoyed with her so much. I’d leave. No point in living a life like that. Wow. You need to learn more patience. Being irked over minor nonsense does not merit leaving the marriage. Everybody gets annoyed. The trick is learning to let it roll off you because it's not that important. I adore my husband & think he's the best guy ever but the man can't fold a towel to my specifications no matter how many times I show him the "right" way to do it. Don't get me started on his inability to pack for a trip or go grocery shopping. I wrote a whole thread here last summer about when he came home with the "wrong" chicken. None of that means I don't love him. None of that is grounds for divorce. It's all about one person being anal & maybe a little controlling. I need to work on those flaws in myself not divorce my husband over them. It's petty BS. I take some deep breaths, remind myself its trivial & go on with my life Now the way you & your wife raise children, that is serious business which requires you to be on the same page, presenting a united front so there you two best talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 Marriage isn't all peaches and cream. You're sweating the small stuff. Are you giving her enough attention? Look in the mirror and see if you can do more to make her happier. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 9 hours ago, MajesticHybrid said: Going through a bit of a internal struggle right now with my marriage. I’m having a hard time getting past my wife’s annoyances. How does she demonstrate her "annoyances?" Are you sleeping on the couch often? Do you have recomb your hair after every argument? Is there a physical altercation and she feels a need to slap on you? You can easily get on the same page with discipline on the major issues. Either books or coaching can help with that. I doubt the small issues will resolve themselves. The kids understand their parents weaknesses and will exploit them. Whether you two make an issue of this I guess up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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