Blindsided

[vla1120]

I was always the main breadwinner, but even if I wasn't, I don't think I could have been a SAHM - except maybe for the first couple of years. I question whether she is "talking" to someone she met at the school. If I were you, I might check the phone bills and look for any other evidence simply because most women do not just up and decide to call it quits on their marriage without having an alternative already lined up, but I could be wrong. I hope I am wrong.

Meanwhile, maybe if she got a part time job and had her own money, she would feel a little more independent and less "trapped", as she seems to indicate. I'm glad you are going to counseling. Hopefully, she will agree to join you, at some point.

[pepperbird]

I'm guessing she's met a guy who's caught her eye.  and she's beginning to think having her freedom may be a lot more fun that being a mom. She's hardly trapped at home, climbing the walls because she's a SAHM who never gets a break. She actually sounds like she has a fair amount of "me" time to herself.

[healing light]

5 hours ago, pepperbird said:

I'm guessing she's met a guy who's caught her eye.  and she's beginning to think having her freedom may be a lot more fun that being a mom. She's hardly trapped at home, climbing the walls because she's a SAHM who never gets a break. She actually sounds like she has a fair amount of "me" time to herself.

This echoes my thoughts exactly. 

Sorry, this woman sounds irresponsible to me and parts of this thread seem like you walk on eggshells to avoid her "hypersensitivity." Lots of people I know can't afford to take time off work to go on one vacation a year, much less frequently. If she were with the kids 100% of the time, then I'd get it (my sister married a guy who did this to her, didn't help in raising the colicky kids at all, never got up at night, no babysitters, no date nights, etc. and she got to the point where a doctor had to prescribe half a day off to preserve her mental health). Wondering how she plans on financing her lifestyle if she does decide to go off and be a nomad. 

If you're already doing regular date nights and giving her pockets of free time, she sounds like she is not ready for adulthood.

[zig]

11 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Is there a reason why sending the kids to part-time daycare a couple of days a week so your wife can get some time to herself, or getting a babysitter a few times a month so you two can have date night, is not an option with this "comfortable income"? (This is the 3rd time this suggestion was made btw.)

 

So here is the answer.  My wife won't send the kids to daycare.  We actually talked about this in the past and her answer was no.  She won't admit to it, but I believe the reason is because she is self conscience of what her parents and peers will think about it.  She will feel like less of a mom if she sends her kids to daycare instead of being with them all day as their primary caretaker.

We do some date nights and I watch the kids often.  Remember, she is involved with a lot of charity and also school.  I watch the kids in the evening for her.  Actually tonight was a date night.  It went fine.  When we got home she went to bed right away, about 4 hours earlier than normal..... so maybe not so fine because it's not like it ended in sex or anything.

I will admit to one thing.  I could do more on initiating and planning a date night.  I know watching the kids for her to go out isn't the same as us leaving the kids and going out together.  But she also has to free up her schedule too for that to happen.  It's on both of us IMO.

       

6 hours ago, pepperbird said:

She actually sounds like she has a fair amount of "me" time to herself.

Yes and no.  She has difficulty actually making time for herself.  Her free time is spent with the kids or doing charity work or school.  My wife does a lot for other people but not enough for herself.

During our big discussion in my first post she told me how selfish she feels as a person.  I pointed out how much she gives to other people and that she isn't a selfish person at all.  Thats when she told me that she does all those things for herself and not other people.  It's hard for me to put into words what I'm trying to illustrate but I think you get the picture.  People who do selfless things for selfish reasons?  That's how she feels.

 

Edited February 20, 2020 by zig
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[BettyDraper]

4 hours ago, healing light said:

This echoes my thoughts exactly. 

Sorry, this woman sounds irresponsible to me and parts of this thread seem like you walk on eggshells to avoid her "hypersensitivity." Lots of people I know can't afford to take time off work to go on one vacation a year, much less frequently. If she were with the kids 100% of the time, then I'd get it (my sister married a guy who did this to her, didn't help in raising the colicky kids at all, never got up at night, no babysitters, no date nights, etc. and she got to the point where a doctor had to prescribe half a day off to preserve her mental health). Wondering how she plans on financing her lifestyle if she does decide to go off and be a nomad. 

If you're already doing regular date nights and giving her pockets of free time, she sounds like she is not ready for adulthood.

She could also be having a midlife crisis. Sometimes midlife crises lead to immature and selfish behavior. They can also lead to cheating. 

 

[BettyDraper]

4 hours ago, zig said:

So here is the answer.  My wife won't send the kids to daycare.  We actually talked about this in the past and her answer was no.  She won't admit to it, but I believe the reason is because she is self conscience of what her parents and peers will think about it.  She will feel like less of a mom if she sends her kids to daycare instead of being with them all day as their primary caretaker.

We do some date nights and I watch the kids often.  Remember, she is involved with a lot of charity and also school.  I watch the kids in the evening for her.  Actually tonight was a date night.  It went fine.  When we got home she went to bed right away, about 4 hours earlier than normal..... so maybe not so fine because it's not like it ended in sex or anything.

I will admit to one thing.  I could do more on initiating and planning a date night.  I know watching the kids for her to go out isn't the same as us leaving the kids and going out together.  But she also has to free up her schedule too for that to happen.  It's on both of us IMO.

       

Yes and no.  She has difficulty actually making time for herself.  Her free time is spent with the kids or doing charity work or school.  My wife does a lot for other people but not enough for herself.

During our big discussion in my first post she told me how selfish she feels as a person.  I pointed out how much she gives to other people and that she isn't a selfish person at all.  Thats when she told me that she does all those things for herself and not other people.  It's hard for me to put into words what I'm trying to illustrate but I think you get the picture.  People who do selfless things for selfish reasons?  That's how she feels.

 

You mentioned that your wife will be appreciative of your efforts for a while and then she will go back to being unhappy.

For that reason, I don't think that extra date nights will solve her issues. 

If your wife is only selfless to look less selfish, she will not find satisfaction in her good deeds because she has a conscience. 

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, zig said:

People who do selfless things for selfish reasons?  That's how she feels.

It's not really that uncommon.

 

[pepperbird]

9 hours ago, zig said:

So here is the answer.  My wife won't send the kids to daycare.  We actually talked about this in the past and her answer was no.  She won't admit to it, but I believe the reason is because she is self conscience of what her parents and peers will think about it.  She will feel like less of a mom if she sends her kids to daycare instead of being with them all day as their primary caretaker.

We do some date nights and I watch the kids often.  Remember, she is involved with a lot of charity and also school.  I watch the kids in the evening for her.  Actually tonight was a date night.  It went fine.  When we got home she went to bed right away, about 4 hours earlier than normal..... so maybe not so fine because it's not like it ended in sex or anything.

I will admit to one thing.  I could do more on initiating and planning a date night.  I know watching the kids for her to go out isn't the same as us leaving the kids and going out together.  But she also has to free up her schedule too for that to happen.  It's on both of us IMO.

       

Yes and no.  She has difficulty actually making time for herself.  Her free time is spent with the kids or doing charity work or school.  My wife does a lot for other people but not enough for herself.

During our big discussion in my first post she told me how selfish she feels as a person.  I pointed out how much she gives to other people and that she isn't a selfish person at all.  Thats when she told me that she does all those things for herself and not other people.  It's hard for me to put into words what I'm trying to illustrate but I think you get the picture.  People who do selfless things for selfish reasons?  That's how she feels.

 

sir,
I've been a SAHM to three kids. Tow of them are special needs, and all had health problems that required a lot of care and attention. I also volunteered as much as I could.
Here's the thing, while I'd like to say I was doing so because I wnated to help others, a lot of it was because it gave me a break for a period of time. There was a fair amount of selfishness there.

[Els]

10 hours ago, zig said:

So here is the answer.  My wife won't send the kids to daycare.  We actually talked about this in the past and her answer was no.  She won't admit to it, but I believe the reason is because she is self conscience of what her parents and peers will think about it.  She will feel like less of a mom if she sends her kids to daycare instead of being with them all day as their primary caretaker.

Interesting, is there a cultural element here that we are unaware of? In most Western cultures I imagine this would not be an issue.

In some cultures there is indeed a lot of shame involved in sending kids to daycare, unfortunately this leads to a lot of misery for the SAHM and the child. Not because being a SAHM is inherently bad, but because lots of women aren't really cut out to be full-time SAHMs and therefore are miserable in the role they are pushed into.

10 hours ago, zig said:

We do some date nights and I watch the kids often.  Remember, she is involved with a lot of charity and also school.  I watch the kids in the evening for her.  Actually tonight was a date night.  It went fine.  When we got home she went to bed right away, about 4 hours earlier than normal..... so maybe not so fine because it's not like it ended in sex or anything.

I will admit to one thing.  I could do more on initiating and planning a date night.  I know watching the kids for her to go out isn't the same as us leaving the kids and going out together.  But she also has to free up her schedule too for that to happen.  It's on both of us IMO.

Yes, I agree. This is something that MC could help with. However, you need to approach MC with the mindset of learning to communicate and compromise more with each other, not the mindset of getting the counselor to "tell her to grow up" as in your previous post.

[Els]

10 hours ago, healing light said:

Wondering how she plans on financing her lifestyle if she does decide to go off and be a nomad.

To be fair, lots of women without degrees succeed in doing so - often by being an au pair. What this means is that she lives with a family in a foreign country, takes care of their kids for ~6 hours a day, and has the rest of the time to explore the place, and weekends off. After a few months, rinse and repeat in a different city/country. Basically, a lot less childcare than she is doing now, while being able to be a nomad. A friend of mine traveled the world for a few years after high school by doing that.

But the time to do so was definitely when she was young and single, not when she's married with 2 children of her own.

Edited February 20, 2020 by Elswyth

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 2/19/2020 at 2:28 AM, elaine567 said:

My guess she is talking to other people at  school, other people with no kids, other people with kids maybe and she has concluded that she is not cut out to be a mother or she doesn't want to be a mother.
She is now unhappy with her lot, when she compares it to other people. The school thing has unsettled her.
How much child free time does she have to do coursework? I can't imagine trying to study with 2 kids under 5 under my feet all the time.
Is she struggling with the course?
OR
 

That IS likely stuff... BUT it is probably far more near to "normal" in this particular scenario than it is to a red light of concern.

 

Put anybody on one path for far too long, perhaps aggravated by a partner who isn't fully appreciating that one path (enough to engage her with muuuuuuuuuch needed adult conversation and interaction on a daily level )...  and most anyone would sit up and take notice if put in a classroom environment with (what is essentially the rest of the world).

 

 

[BettyDraper]

18 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

That IS likely stuff... BUT it is probably far more near to "normal" in this particular scenario than it is to a red light of concern.

 

Put anybody on one path for far too long, perhaps aggravated by a partner who isn't fully appreciating that one path (enough to engage her with muuuuuuuuuch needed adult conversation and interaction on a daily level )...  and most anyone would sit up and take notice if put in a classroom environment with (what is essentially the rest of the world).

 

 

The OP's wife gets a considerable amount of time for herself though. She sounds privileged in ways that many SAHMs are not. 

I wonder if the OP's wife never truly enjoyed being a mother and she only had the courage to voice her regrets now. 

[Buffer]

I feel she is having a EA at the minimum.

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