Continuing to fall apart for the same reasons

[mortensorchid]

I posted on this issue about a year and a half ago when I left a theater company in my city after 9 years of being a board member there.  There were a few reasons that this came down on my end: I was a volunteer, I worked very hard for them, and I felt like I was being taken advantage of for my generosity and hard work; I hoped against hope that I could have a part in a play there and I never got one and that was really bad of them on their part; and then when one of the company members leaned into me and threw a tantrum over a social justice issue on Facebook that was that.  She offended me and I said I will never support anything she is cast in ever again, let alone be in the same room with her.  When we got a blast email from the company manager who I will call Sandy for the next set build, I told the manager that I was leaving the company for these reasons.  She wrote back saying she was sorry to hear this and she was sorry that the woman in question hurt my feelings, and also agreed about the "being taken advantage of" feeling.  She also said that just because someone helps out in the way I have at the theater doesn't mean that someone will get a part in a play.  I suppose so, yes, but I think they could have thrown me a bone at least once.  And they didn't.

Oddly enough, just such a mentality ended the relationship of the company manager and the building manager as well.  I wrote the building manager through Facebook and told him that I was leaving because of the above reasons, I told him because I had brought him into the company myself.  We'd met on Facebook and I brought him in because he was a carpenter and we could use his skills.  He had been appointed building manager and was in the basement cleaning out the scraps and building a workbench.  He went to one more build after I had left, he said it had turned toxic after I left.  He went to one more build and when it came time for lunchbreak, no one would call out for pizza or take out when I had always taken care of the lunches before.  People were telling him "You're not doing it right", "You're too slow", etc.   A few weeks later the building manager, who I will call Dave, was in the basement doing his work and the president who I will call Larry, came downstairs to tell him that his position was no longer going to be a paid position, it would now be volunteer, and they were splitting up the different jobs among different members of the company.  Dave said "F*** this", packed up his stuff and walked out, never to return.  Not too long afterward, the company manager Sandy resigned.  She went to the founder with a play that a friend of hers had written about a woman at 3 different periods in her life and asked the founder to include this on the roster.  He said no and Sandy blew up at him because after 16 years he wouldn't do this for her?!  So she resigned as manager, and her husband, Larry the president, also walked out.  Recently I talked to one of the others who was appointed building manager, he said he walked out as well because of the abuse that was going on against him.  He's now elsewhere.

I find this all so bad.  True, you are going to have politics no matter where you are or what you do, be it work or personal, but this is just bad.  This goes for everyone and everything - trying out for a sports team, being popular, being part of a group, etc.  We all just want a chance, we all just want to belong, we all just want to be loved.  That's what I wanted with it, but they didn't give it to me.  And the company manager Sandy telling me that all the hard work one puts into this doesn't mean that I will get a part?  Okay, I can accept that.  But isn't that the same mentality she had when she went to the founder and proposed that play and he said no to?  She felt that she had put in enough hard work and dedication to the organization that she should be allowed to have a say in the play agendas?  Sad.  I'm glad I'm not there anymore.  Another friend went to the holiday party and he thought the new batch that had come in were all snobs and think they're so important, he said he wasn't going to return either.  

[Ruby Slippers]

When a door closes, a window opens. Here's to bigger and better things for you!

[Ellener]

On 2/15/2020 at 2:07 PM, mortensorchid said:

We all just want a chance, we all just want to belong, we all just want to be loved. 

I think a lot of people-who-like-being-in-charge don't get that, so they push for their own way the whole time, bully/disrespect and get away with it because at first it shows results, and unfortunately the most forceful, manipulative people often get away with it for quite some time.

Until they don't and people start quitting all around them; the people who make others feel used and abused often have NO idea they make people feel that way, don't expect much in the way of apology or explanation! So the beleaguered disillusioned who burn out feel bad for a long time and get no closure, a life goes on without them which they held dear. 

Feel some vindication in that you did a good job, you stuck to your social justice principles even at a cost, and others had the same experience of feeling invalidated. What did you just learn? is the question I ask myself and as I get older the lesson is usually more to do with me deep down rather than anyone else's behaviour, in particular for me it's not setting clearer boundaries and expectations earlier.

But I imagine in the field of acting there are a large number of low-level narcissists and you can't win whatever you do with them!

I made friends with an actress last year, she's lovely but highly unrealistic and obsessed with performing ( to the 'I don't have money to pay my bills but I only want to work in acting at this stage of my life' degree, except she's at least fifty. She wouldn't actually say her age, which I always find a bit revealing! ) Anyway when she met me walking our dogs she just 'dropped' the other friend and she and I spoke and texted all the time for a few weeks, it was really fun, though I did sometimes see the other friend looking hurtfully in our direction. Well fast-forward a few weeks and she's moved on again; I think she just gets bored and flits from one person to the next not forming very deep attachments. My career's been pretty-well established for some time and we bumped into numerous people on our walks who were complimentary about aspects of my work, work which I offered to teach her how to modify her acting skills to use there by the way when she said she needed more income- she turned that down and a teaching job she was offered! So- don't think it's you is the point of my rambling...

Now you need to make your own closure, let it go. Do something else fun and useful, there's always something.

On 2/15/2020 at 2:07 PM, mortensorchid said:

the company manager Sandy telling me that all the hard work one puts into this doesn't mean that I will get a part?  Okay, I can accept that.  But isn't that the same mentality she had when she went to the founder and proposed that play and he said no to?  She felt that she had put in enough hard work and dedication to the organization that she should be allowed to have a say in the play agendas? 

Yes, double standards, what people like her mean is that lofty ideals should be followed by others but not self! 

Feel better soon.