LostinSpace01 Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 Hey all, I apologize if this has been asked before, however I am 26f and I recently ended things with MM (35M) a couple days ago. We had the A going on for around 3 years, and after multiple bad '"breakups", I finally told him that what he's doing is wrong (cheating) and that I couldn't be a part of it anymore. I also mentioned how he could never be there for me during the times I was going through some bad things in my life. I know deep down that I did the right thing so I would never reach out to him again (and I made it clear I didn't want to hear from him either), however the pain and loneliness after this breakup is really getting to me. I used to think that we could have a future together but it became clear that wouldn't be the case, so I ended it. Now that illusion is gone and I feel so lost. Sometimes I get scared that I won't find someone else that I have such an amazing connection with. On top of that, most of my friends are in healthy long term relationships, moving in together, or engaged, yet here I am single & alone once again. I'm not quite sure what to do at this point and I feel really lost. I know time will fix this, but without MM in my life, I feel like I have a void in my life that only he could fill. I'm not sure what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 Oh, I'm sorry you wasted your time on this guy. It's a hard lesson to learn. When we're young, we get this idealistic notion that something was "meant to be" and that they are "the one," and it's just not true. There are lots of guys and some women who don't really ever get super deep love feelings and are just fulfilling their needs however they want without regard to the people involved. You will feel better about this one day and especially since it was you who called it off. There are people on this board who just kept letting the other person lead a fully double life, always accepting the excuses . Truth is a lot of these relationships would have imploded way earlier if they HAD ditched the spouse and been together in a real-life domestic relationship dealing with real everyday survival and issues instead of just the good times. The good news is you are still young and in fact in your prime. You take some time to build yourself back up and be good to yourself and reassess your career path and life path and be sure you know what you want to do and take some months if necessary to get whatever nonsense you accepted from him out of your head, because you know you bought into a bunch of lies to stay in this long. After you've been out long enough to be able to look back and see how crazy some of it was and take that in and know you will know better next time, then put yourself out there. But don't just jump to another guy right now without processing it or you may end up with the same type. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, preraph said: Oh, I'm sorry you wasted your time on this guy. It's a hard lesson to learn. When we're young, we get this idealistic notion that something was "meant to be" and that they are "the one," and it's just not true. We also get the idea that we have lots of time and if we just wait patiently, things will work out for us. Well, things don’t always work out the way we want them and time, it is a wasting... as you have experienced, because while you have been dallying in this dead end relationship your friends have been busy creating their own lives/building their own families. Not that this experience has been wasted, if you have learned something from it and found your own voice/strength. And, it would seem that you’ve done exactly that. Yes, you need time to heal from this. But please, don’t wallow. Don’t make this out to be more than it is - you are not star crossed lovers, and you are not destined to die alone because you ended this relationship. This was a poor decision, a dead end relationship with an unavailable man. Take the time that you need to process it and then get busy living your own life. Your future is waiting for you if you have the courage to go out there and find it! Edited February 15, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
notmyfinestmoment Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Hi There... Many of us can identify with what you are going through. First and foremost, you did the right thing and that showed a lot of strength to finally be able to recognize that it needed to end. Those flags that you are noticing (he can't be there for you, you want a committed partner), will be what propels you forward. I think that is where the affair ends for most AP's....is knowing it can't be more, and deep down knowing you deserve more. The void you are feeling is completely normal. It almost feels as though half of you is missing, right? And will start trying to find ways to fill it (keeping busy, etc.), but unfortunately, the pain doesn't go away. Letting go as an affair partner is a process, and it takes a long time and a lot of ups and downs with feeling sad. The only way to get over it is to go through it and unfortunately takes a lot more time that we would like. How long have you been in NC? It is true what both Preraph & BaileyB said...you are young and you will recover from this. Be proud that you have realized that it was time to walk away. You did the right thing even though you are feeling a lot of pain right now. You have a great future ahead of you and you will find the right man who will give you a healthy, loving, reciprocal relationship and you will get to experience all of the things that you are watching your friends experience. Please read through the following...her story is so similar to yours. There is a lot of amazing advice on that thread!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Husbandssecret Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 @LostinSpace01 thanks for sharing your story! I’m literally going through the exact same thing now and people have offered tons of great advice on this thread. Good news is we’re both heading in the right direction! We have recognized an issue and we are seeking help. I found it helpful to confide in a friend who I trusted and it’s holding me accountable because it’s no longer a secret. Somehow knowing that someone in my life knows is helping me.. I think it’s because I know I’m better than this and this person knows it too, so it’s holding me to the standard I should have been holding myself to the whole time. I just ended things a few days ago and I’ve never felt more hurt from a breakup. I think the nature of these things is to be full of passion and lust, romanticizing about the future. The advice you’ve gotten is right. It’s a dead end relationship, and we won’t get more than a dead end relationship until we start demanding better. I’m sorry that you are hurting and feeling lost. You can read my thread and see yesterday I was feeling angry and sad but today, I’ve gone through feeling guilty to feeling empowered. Your emotions will come and go, and that’s okay. Allow yourself to feel all of it. We both will be better after this!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dimjo9 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 On 2/15/2020 at 12:24 PM, LostinSpace01 said: Hey all, I apologize if this has been asked before, however I am 26f and I recently ended things with MM (35M) a couple days ago. We had the A going on for around 3 years, and after multiple bad '"breakups", I finally told him that what he's doing is wrong (cheating) and that I couldn't be a part of it anymore. I also mentioned how he could never be there for me during the times I was going through some bad things in my life. I know deep down that I did the right thing so I would never reach out to him again (and I made it clear I didn't want to hear from him either), however the pain and loneliness after this breakup is really getting to me. I used to think that we could have a future together but it became clear that wouldn't be the case, so I ended it. Now that illusion is gone and I feel so lost. Sometimes I get scared that I won't find someone else that I have such an amazing connection with. On top of that, most of my friends are in healthy long term relationships, moving in together, or engaged, yet here I am single & alone once again. I'm not quite sure what to do at this point and I feel really lost. I know time will fix this, but without MM in my life, I feel like I have a void in my life that only he could fill. I'm not sure what to do. Hi, I assume you are single.. why go for a Married man who’s already committed ? 3 years of cheating is a long time, you are already his mistress.. Married M who cheats & goes after other ladies are without integrity.. Cheaters are = of liars @ thieves they stab their family behind the back.. Both of u violated the 10 commandments “thou shall not commit adultery” - HIM; “thou shall not covet other woman’s Husband”- YOU.. This actions have dire consequences @ appropriate sanctions from the “King of Kings”. From his own words “Vengeance is Mine” ...You both hurt the Wife & the children if any.. I suggest u ask forgiveness from his W & tell everything as a way of retribution.. She deserve to know what her H did.. Honesty will be your best way for atonement of what u did.. all marriages have problems; let H & W sort it out.. Have the courage to face the truth for this shall set u free.. Link to post Share on other sites
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