Married man makes excuses

[Luna66star]

Against my better judgment I became friends with MM at work.  Strictly platonic for a long time. After a yr I became attracted to him and started flirting.  He reciprocated and flirted back.  We started hanging out after work and on some weekends when his wife was visiting sick mother out of state.  I came to his house a few times.  It almost felt like a relationship but it wasn't. 

I became very emotionally attached and thought he actually cared about me.  Well 6 months later he complained he was very tired or super busy.  After that we never spent time outside work.  I should add he apparently had lots of female friends, then started dropping comments  (after we stopped hanging out) here and there that he picked up her kids from school, helped with grocery shopping, mowed the lawn or cutting weeds from their garden.These women were married as he would reference a husband now and then. 

After all this he just wanted to text or have a beer occasionally.  I want to emphasize that he always still gave tons of compliments and flirted but we never actually hung out again after that.

I could never settle for these breadcrumbs after the length of time we knew each other and were physically intimate.  He never ghosted me and was always in touch still.  But I am hurting so bad that he keeps lingering around in my life.  And at work we collaborate on a project together twice a month.

I pulled away to get over this but he keeps asking me for lunch and asking how I am.  I know I'm a fool for starting this to begin with.  Thought MM would be safe as it was platonic for the longest time and it appears that doesn't happen a lot   He also does a push and pull now which drives me insane.  Sometimes he wont reply to a text for hours or not at all.

I'm looking for some suggestions that dont involve me quitting and looking for another job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cookiesandough]

Well he’s probably has his time preoccupied with his wife and then quite possibly you are not the only person he’s cheating on her with. So he’s busy. Not to mention he probably has just lost interest now that much of the excitement of novelty has worn off. That’s just so terrible he did that when she was out of town with her sick mom.  I wish I had a solution for how to deal with the fact you work with him, but if you don’t want to quit, I don’t see very many options other than to deal. 

[quagmire2020]

Sorry you've fallen into that trap. It's torture when you are in love with someone who doesn't have the same level of commitment as yours.

If I were you I would let him know that what he's doing is hurting you and that you have to go no contact, and that you can't ever be romantic with him again. Nor even platonic for that matter. You need time to heal and reset. Only strictly professional dealings.

I would go no contact. I know it's really hard to do and you will likely get relapses where you contact him again, or answer his texts, but don't be hard on yourself and get back on track and keep at it.

Since you're still in the infatuation/limerence phase, I'd suggest to read a lot on the psychology of infidelity to try to come to terms with your story and develop emotional resilience everytime you have to deal with him at work, read the about other OW/OM's experiences and Wayward spouses experiences.

I would say his excuses about going to help other female friends are likely a veiled way to let you know he's not faithful to you either. I must add that I'm very surprised he does things like shopping and gardening for other wives, I find that a bit inappropriate. I'd like my husband to help more at home, so I'd be very pissed if he had time to help other women.

I hope you don't have to change jobs. Give it time. Time is a healer.

 

Edited February 16, 2020 by quagmire2020

[Luna66star]

I entertained the same idea about going NC.  Last week I didn't reply to his texts and when he passed me in the hall, I looked straight ahead.  He circled back and looked pissed off, saying "Oh I'm not good enough for you to even say hi to now?"  I just kept walking.

Am I being a mean, cold person by not even saying hi? I dont want to deal with him anymore as he's stringing me along for attention.  Continuing to engage with him in any way really upsets me.  I couldn't sleep at all that night either.

Recalling back, he tends to be manipulative also.  Popping up out of the blue about how stressed he is or bragging about all the good deeds he has done for others. Hardly ever asks me anything beyond "how have you been," But has no free time for me anymore??

He appears angry I dont engage with him now.  Now I'm stressed out about that!!  I hope hes not the revengeful type!

 

 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

I think you do whatever you need to do to help yourself to heal from this experience.

Remember, he can’t make you feel badly without your consent. He continues to affect you because you allow him to affect you. Go no contact. Find yourself a distraction. And don’t ruminate - look forward, not backward...

[quagmire2020]

 

3 hours ago, Luna66star said:

Am I being a mean, cold person by not even saying hi?

 

No you're not mean, absolutely not. You're protecting yourself and "not even saying hi" is normal valid behaviour when you're ending any relationship and you're trying to move on. 

It may be useful to let him know why you're not responding to his texts anymore, nor wanting to deal with him/talk to him unless necessary for work.

He needs to know you have decided to go no contact. 

In your case, I think a text message sounds like the best way to do this because his reactions are intimidating. Or if you think your relationship was meaningful (you mentioned it was platonic for a year) and you think he deserves face to face, then the better (but given what you said about him having no time for you and throwing breadcrumbs, I don't think he deserves face to face announcement)

Something along the lines of: "I do not wish to maintain anything romantic with you anymore because it is hurting me. Please do not talk to me nor contact me in any way as I require space and time to heal." It's only a suggestion, you will do better than me, as I am not a native English speaker. 

I'd advise you to use strong words to get your message across (i.e. "require", not "need") as he appears aggressive and manipulative [He circled back and looked pissed off, saying "Oh I'm not good enough for you to even say hi to now?" and you write he appears angry]

Where I live, when you send a text to someone asking for no contact, and if that person carries on nevertheless, it is considered harassment and you can report it to the police. I think a verbal notice is valid as well, but a text message is strong evidence.
You and he are colleagues, so I suppose you will not want to go that route, but just to bear in mind so you don't feel so intimidated. If he gets revengeful, you could tell his wife. Of course, I'm not advising you to use the wife or police threat straight away. But do make things clear with him, by way of a polite but firm message.

Good luck, do let us know how you get on.

 

Edited February 17, 2020 by quagmire2020

[Caauug]

3 hours ago, Luna66star said:

Continuing to engage with him in any way really upsets me.  I couldn't sleep at all that night either.

Looks like you have broken a few basic relationship rules:

Never get involved with someone from work. Trying to escape from them after it turns sour is hard.

Never get involved with someone else's  husband/wife/partner. 3 is a crowd for most people.

Never let someone else have total control over your feelings. He is still playing you like a poppet, pulling on your strings. Take back control. Sounds like he is still the same man as when you first got together, he has just replaced you with someone else. He is only keeping you around for a back-up..... How does it feel to be used?

[Fletch Lives]

Lol, she can't go no contact, they work together.

Well, there is an old saying, don't poop where you eat. So don't date coworkers.

But you are already past that point. And you don't want to quit your job.

One alternative is to find a replacement - start dating another man, find another to love. If you are interested in someone else, you won't have room in your heart for your coworker.

[Luna66star]

Thanks for the advice everyone.  I've learned that some people can display a fake persona.  Yes I was naive but I normally look for the best in people, have my whole life.  I'm an empath. 

I subsequently found out this man has been chasing other women in our workplace, likely since I first met him.  He seems like such a super nice guy except for his complaints about friends,  wife and other co-workers.  I remember looking back on the entire escapade.  Very critical of others but never criticism directed at me.  He bragged all the time about how he was always helping others, yet groaned that they were too picky about his work.  It went on ad nauseam. 

He also made a point of bring up photos on his phone of nature photography or landscaping work he did for friends. I noticed lots of photos of women here and there also.  It seemed over the top him wanting to show  me everything.  Almost a school kid vibe to it.

As well a lot of times after our meetings, he made a point of mentioning " how many text messages I have". What's with this? That hes so popular? At work hes very much a loner, by his own admission.

Sending a text saying I want no further contact AND finding someone else are good pieces of advice.  Being an empath I have to be careful - I attract the screwed up ones!

Thanks all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

[SummerDreams]

You can send him a text saying you are not interested in being friends or whatever else with him, ask him to not talk to you at work and wish him luck. He is cancer in your life, spend your time making friends who don't take advantage of you and a partner who won't be married. It's rather simple in my opinion.

[quagmire2020]

2 hours ago, Luna66star said:

Very critical of others but never criticism directed at me.   

Do you think he might have criticised you behind your back?

He sounds full of himself.

You look determined to move on and that's great. Best wishes x

[Luna66star]

In retrospect, yes he probably had a few complaints about me but I never heard them.  He never confronts directly but moans and groans about others to me.  One time early in our relationship, he actually posted a message on craigslist saying he doesn't like how I dont talk to him sometimes.  How he saw me at a concert & I didn't acknowledge him that night.  WTF?  I knew it was for me as he mentioned the name, date & time of concert.

Anyway, I think someone who openly criticizes others regularly will think critically of you at some point also.  But too passive and scared people wont like them if he speaks up.

He also says his co workers dont know how to do their jobs right and he has to work overtime to make sure things are done right. 

I think I dodged a bullet here.  Good luck to him in finding any real friends!

 

 

 

 

[Rockdad]

Lets see how does that go...

The way a person talks about others behind there back is the way he talks about you behind yours.