oldsoul20 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 (edited) 7years, a 4yr old daughter, and homeowners together for 2yrs. Am I wrong for not wanting to be with him anymore? We have an 11yr age gap(him older). We met when I was 20, him 31. I've been with him and him only for the last 7yrs. Over the years, he has become lazy. Romantically lazy, sexually lazy(wants to be laid all the time but its boring), even physically lazy. He doesn't go to any of my family events unless I make him go. Makes rude comments about my family. (He comes from money and stability, I come from drugs, alcohol, and apartment jumping ever since I can remember.) When I go out he will make the same comment ("oh, your abandoning us."). And many other little things like I'm expected to keep a full time job and also take care of the household. When I want to better myself by getting a degree like I always wanted I get questioned on it, hardly ever a "go for it, I got your back". I never got to experience life independently. Never had my own apartment, never been responsible for holding down my own. I left my parents house and went straight to living with him. The house buying I pushed for because I was so wrapped up in his dream i lost sight of mine, now that I'm doing it, I realize i wasn't ready for it. I miss being able to flirt with whom ever I want and going out with friends without feeling like I should be home. I understand that leaving him, I still have a daughter to think about. Its not going to be what I always envisioned but I have a well thought out plan that makes it fair to both him and I. I just don't want it to get messy when it happens. We have already had a discussion back in December but decided to get through the holidays and we would revisit the conversation. Well it's almost that time. He is agreeable with me that we want to end things amicably and do it all the right way for our daughter. He is a great guy, some faults but who doesn't have them. I just feel as though we met at the wrong time for us to be together forever. He taught me how I don't want to be loved and taught me alot about money. He has given me the best gift ever(our daughter) and I wouldn't trade having her with him for anything. I'm just tired of feeling like I am heading down the same path as my parents, even his parents. I don't want to settle for comfortable, I want to experience the love that takes your breath away and leaves you with butterflies. I want to experience life without having to answer to any man. I know how I want to be loved and he isn't providing it for me. Am I wrong? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Edited February 16, 2020 by oldsoul20 Word spelled wrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldsoul20 Posted February 16, 2020 Author Share Posted February 16, 2020 I read somewhere that you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. Well that is exactly what I need to do. I need to find who I am, because I lost her 5 years ago and she never came back. Now I'm drowning in who I thought I wanted to be and am beginning to realize it's not working out. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 OP, you sound to me like you have 'stars in your eyes'. Rather than me (M66, father of 3 young adults) giving my opinion, I hope the LS ladies will tell you what they think you will be dealing with as a 27-8 y/o single mother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 I think you should leave as soon as possible. I doubt very much that your husband wants to live with someone who does not have romantic feelings for him. How about asking him to post on the forum? I'd love to hear his side of the story. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, oldsoul20 said: I don't want to settle for comfortable, I want to experience the love that takes your breath away and leaves you with butterflies. I want to experience life without having to answer to any man. I know how I want to be loved and he isn't providing it for me. Am I wrong? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Yes you are wrong. The time to say you wanted the life of excitement was BEFORE you married & had kids. Now you have obligations & you can't throw them away to go on some wild adventure that you can't afford anyway. Your husband does sound selfish & lazy. Do work with him to make him stop with the insults & be more participatory. Go to school. You can be married & get a degree. It will set a great example for your child. When you have the degree take some adventurous vacations as a family after you get the job that can pay for those exciting things. Whoever it is that you thought you wanted to be & you say you lost 5 years ago, you can be her & be married. Listen to a Reba McIntyre song called Is There Life Out There it's about a woman who wants to find out options while staying married. You are running away from your life. You want some fantasy, It doesn't exist. Stability might not be exciting but it is better then scrambling to make ends meet, to care for your child as a single parent, trying to go to school. If you walk away from your husband you are absolutely condemning yourself to the life you claim to want to avoid. Start appreciating all the advantages you do have & stop longing for some fantasy. Life is not a roller coaster. It's hard work. The secret to happiness is appreciating what you do have, & in your case that is more then many. Edited February 16, 2020 by d0nnivain 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 OK... I'm going to say some things you don't want to hear. Why? Because you are being selfish, and a few of your points echo the end of my marriage. First... your entire story just yells, I don't care about anyone other then myself. You made a commitment to someone, and you brought another life into this world. Regardless of the outcome, the damage is done simply talking to your husband about it. (Especially before the holidays) I'm guessing (like with my ex) you have never actually talked to your husband about the things you are feeling, and you let the emotions build until you just went for the death blow. Second... the kind of romance you are talking about doesn't exist everywhere. Movies, and internet make it seem like it's everywhere. Love takes work, and it's deeper than "Butterflies in your stomach" and someone to "Sweep you off your feet". And regardless... that passion doesn't exist as you grow together. You become family. Someone you can depend on. Third... You say that the sex is boring. Well... what have you done to make it better ???? This came up once while my ex was ripping our family apart, and I shut it down because she wanted to make it one more thing she could blame me for... but the reality is it was 100% her fault our love life was boring. She didn't like oral... she didn't like being in the shower... she didn't like toys... she wore lingerie exactly ONCE in the 20 years we were together... and she almost NEVER initiated things. She only wanted to be in bed, and normally on top. Yes... it was boring, but it was because of her. This is also an echo to the romance point... what have you done to spice things up? What have YOU done to make romance better with your husband? I'm guessing nothing. (just like with my ex) Heck... one night... the women in my neighborhood were having "Touch or Romance" (adult toy) party. My ex was invited... and I asked her to go... she told me she was too embarrassed to do that with her friends. (honestly, I feel bad for her new BF because of this) Lastly... You say you don't want it to become messy... the reality is... it will. I'm sure your stbXh will not let go easy. In turn... you will hate each other. The real casualty in this will become your 4yo. Your daughter will take a side... and it may not be what you want. regardless of what some court order says. Later in life she may see the truth, that you just didn't want the family to work, and she may want to be with your stbXh. In turn... you will get even more angry because your life isn't what you fantasized it to be. (just like with my ex) and that anger will turn your kid against you. Anyway... I'm sorry for what you are about to do to your family, and I wish you luck in chasing a fantasy life. (and I'm sorry to be so blunt) 7 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Yes you are wrong. ...... You are running away from your life. You want some fantasy, It doesn't exist. ....... If you walk away from your husband you are absolutely condemning yourself to the life you claim to want to avoid........ Start appreciating all the advantages you do have & stop longing for some fantasy. Life is not a roller coaster. It's hard work. The secret to happiness is appreciating what you do have, & in your case that is more then many. I cut it up a little... but this is 100% accurate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 No you're not wrong. You got married too young and never got to experience being a young adult. now you have a child and that is going to keep you from having the free experience you are craving, but you are in the prime of your womanhood and I would not recommend that you stay in your marriage if it isn't what you want. You will still have to work full time and you will still have a daughter to take care of. Whether you can do school and all that is doubtful. But your best shot at having some life of your own is to insist upon your husband having joint custody of your daughter when you divorce whether he wants to or not and whether she wants to or not. Because this will give you three and a half days when you can go to work and come home and have a social life or maybe even take some night classes because you won't have a daughter to take care of when he's got her. so please don't fall into that trap of wanting to keep your daughter full time because the judges are going to go for that anyway and you are much better off doing half a half joint custody then only letting him see her a couple of days. That's the only way you're going to be able to have much of a free life. With her entering school this will help both of you. So don't waste any more time. It's going to be expensive to get an attorney but that will come out of whatever the marriage assets are I guess. Make it clear from the beginning that you will share joint custody with him. Chances are he will say I can't do that I've got to work, but you just tell the attorney he has to share custody because you have to work too. Judges will usually go that route anyway. You won't be able to move far away because there are rules in every state that you have to stay close by if you're going to share custody. So you'll need to keep that in mind any time you take a job. You are not free to uproot and you will not be free to travel for work. And I agree that you should be out on your own supporting yourself because that's how you learn who you really are. everyone needs to have at least a couple of years of being on their own and not under either their parents or influence or some spouses influence to really develop themselves and find out what their path is and who they really are when no one is influencing them. So don't go making a love match until you've done that. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 This is the reason 20yo women should not get married and not to guys 11 years older either. He got a "perfect" young wife and mother for his kid(s). She missed out on being "young" and got trapped with a kid. She doesn't want to spend time with a "boring" older guy who reminds her of her father, they have little in common and she doesn't actually love him. Of course he doesn't want her to get some education, he wants to keep her dependant on him. Playing house seemed like such a good idea to her at the time... Now she wants out. It was inevitable really... sooner or later. 9 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 While I sympathize with your feelings that you missed out on your youth, you made your choices and now you need to own them. You have a child and a home now. Do you think it will be easy to be a single mom with minimal education? You need to put your child first and think of her quality of life. The love that you want typically fades over time-especially when there are children to think about. Life is not a romantic movie. Even if you meet another man who gives you butterflies, those feelings will eventually die down. Older men are often set in their ways. They are also prone to abusing their power when they have a younger partner. You can take back your power by reminding your husband that you can easily find a young man who will give you what you need. Tell your husband that marriage counselling is needed. You also need to stand up for yourself in terms of the division of labour. If your husband won’t help, then the two of you need to hire a cleaner. Unfortunately, it’s the norm for working moms to be stuck with most of the housework and childcare. I think it would be wise to work on your marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 You may only have one life. Don't live it unhappy if you can avoid it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 1 hour ago, preraph said: You may only have one life. Don't live it unhappy if you can avoid it. I agree with that but I also think she hasn't actually worked to improve the life she has. She can go to school & be married. She can travel & be married. She chose to get married & have a kid. Had she come on here when they were engaged we all would have told her not to do it because in time she would want out. She would have stomped her feet & insisted she was a mature adult who knew what she was doing. So now it's done & she has to find a way to be happy with her choices. Life doesn't end when you marry. My husband finished college while married to me. Together we travel often. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Well, this is what happens when grown men marry girls whose brains aren't fully developed enough to understand the consequences of their actions. Why she's 26 and wanting out now is because her brain is finally fully developed and she understands what she did. She was just a gullible young girl. I don't think that should be a life sentence, but I do think she needs to do some serious thinking about whether life will be harder or easier without him. Because you can't just turn back the clock and start partying again like when you're 20. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 (edited) I agree... don't be miserable... and make everyone else miserable too. Get the divorce. But I'm guessing with being a single mom, and working full time... you will not find what you are looking for. @preraph Funny you say that... I know a 26yo who has only been married for 5 months and already wants out. But in this case... her H is the one who is immature. (I was just shaking my head at some of her stories) So where does the truth fall? Is 26 too young to be married? My folks were 18 and 19 when they were married, and have been together 53 years. I don't think early 20's is too young... it just takes people who want it to work. The younger generation seem like it's OK to have a starter marriage. And @elaine567 And to assume that every "Older Man" will dominate a younger girl is just silly. Does it happen?... sure it does. But there are men who do everything for their younger wife, and still get $it on when they think they have been wronged. Edited February 16, 2020 by Blind-Sided 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 31 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: And @elaine567 And to assume that every "Older Man" will dominate a younger girl is just silly. I never said anything about older men dominating younger girls. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 20 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I never said anything about older men dominating younger girls. Sorry... You are right. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 An older person should have the sense to know that a 20-year-old is too young to even know what they want yet. She'd never even been out on her own, so how could she? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldsoul20 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Share Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) I appreciate everyone's responses. However, I am not married. Not even engaged. My daughter was not planned. All I wanted was a bigger apartment than what we were living in(a 1 bedroom with 2 adults and a baby is not ideal), he wanted a house. Because I don't pay the rent it was his decision. My name is not on his mortgage, my name is not in any of the bills, I just help pay for them. I have tried. I've asked him and made plans to go out and have fun but he never wants to go. He wants to stay home and watch TV or play his XBOX. As for sex, I have put an effort forth. I hosted my own sex toy party, I bought toys, I do oral, anal, and different positions. He likes it but he never touched me while it happens. I can be riding him and he just lays there. He can be pounding away from behind and not grab my ass or titties. That is how it is boring. I am fully aware of the effects it will have in my daughter. I will still be in the same city she lives in, we will share custody of her and work with each other. Neither of us wants to go to court. I have had many conversations with him about how I feel over the years but nothing changes, or it changes for a bit and then goes right back. Or he will only do something because I bagged him to do it and be miserable the entire time or rush me to hurry up. Also, I'm not doing this because I want to run away and find someone else or to chase the butterfly feeling. I am fully aware that love is difficult and challenging. I am doing this because I want to find my own independence. Find my self without being attached to him. I know I have a permanent attachment to my daughter and she will always come first. Edited February 17, 2020 by oldsoul20 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 I'm really happy to hear you are not married and can just walk away. You will want to get an official court order regarding the child custody though even though you think you agree on it because there will always be conflict and times when he doesn't want to do it and wants you to do it at the last minute or vice versa. So you'll need to get an agreement about it so that there's not much reason for you to have to talk all the time. This is as good a time as any to do it with your child being four years old and not quite knowing everything that's going on. She'll probably see him more now than she ever did. Don't bite off more than you can chew when you look for a place to live. Remember you'll have to stay in budget to be able to afford it. Don't get too far away from the father or it will just waste more of your time commuting back and forth for pickups and delivery. I'm glad you put some more information on here about what he's like. Seems like there's an awful lot of guys these days that all they want to do is play games have someone service them sexually. I can assure you that you could do better. But don't get in any hurry. And I imagine everyone is already talked to you about not introducing your kids to new men because it's disruptive to them. You'll have time to date when she's with the dad. It sounds like you're ready to go ahead and do this, so be sure and come back and let us know how it all goes. Good luck. . Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Oh wait...you’re not married? That makes leaving much easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 2 hours ago, BettyDraper said: Oh wait...you’re not married? That makes leaving much easier. Depends where she is and what her local laws are. Some places, one year as common law is the same as marriage as far as separation of assets and division of debts, as the house may have a mortgage, and may not matter if her name is on it or not. Best to seek legal counsel in your own area to see what your legal liabilities are. Do not let people here mislead you. On 2/16/2020 at 10:52 AM, oldsoul20 said: (He comes from money and stability, I come from drugs, alcohol, and apartment jumping ever since I can remember.) When I want to better myself by getting a degree like I always wanted I get questioned on it, hardly ever a "go for it, I got your back". I never got to experience life independently. Never had my own apartment, never been responsible for holding down my own. I left my parents house and went straight to living with him. The house buying I pushed for because I was so wrapped up in his dream i lost sight of mine, now that I'm doing it, I realize i wasn't ready for it. I miss being able to flirt with whom ever I want and going out with friends without feeling like I should be home. Hypergamy in action. You picked him for money, stability and status and disregarded his other little flaws that has now ate all lust/love away that you had for him. Everyone should be happy or content in there partnership. That is what your relationship with your BF should be as you have a family. It sounds as he is holding you back and not helping you out in daily household duties or his partnership duties. You want more. A few things have changed for you since you were 20. You are older, gained a child, and I wonder if you have gained some weight or lost some of your SMV in some way. Your BF not touching, handling you in bed and not fighting to keep you has me questioning it. On 2/16/2020 at 10:52 AM, oldsoul20 said: I understand that leaving him, I still have a daughter to think about. Its not going to be what I always envisioned but I have a well thought out plan that makes it fair to both him and I. I just don't want it to get messy when it happens. We have already had a discussion back in December but decided to get through the holidays and we would revisit the conversation. Well it's almost that time. He is agreeable with me that we want to end things amicably and do it all the right way for our daughter. Great if you can pull it off, rarely happens that smooth. On 2/16/2020 at 10:52 AM, oldsoul20 said: I'm just tired of feeling like I am heading down the same path as my parents, even his parents. I don't want to settle for comfortable, I want to experience the love that takes your breath away and leaves you with butterflies. I want to experience life without having to answer to any man. I know how I want to be loved and he isn't providing it for me Check your local laws, and if you have listed him as the father on the child's birth certificate, you may still have to answer to him after separation. At any time he may, if he has grounds, drag you back to court for custody of your child. (IE: unfit mother) You made a mistake settling down as young as you did, are you making another mistake throwing away what you have worked for since then? Yes, life is too short being unhappy but have you put everything you can into saving what you have? Have you tried to improve yourself? How would your BF view a trial separation? Would he find it as a wakeup call? I will give you credit on not cheating, and I know that would be the next step if there is no separation or drastic improvement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 7 hours ago, oldsoul20 said: I appreciate everyone's responses. However, I am not married. Your legal status only matters when you consider the cost of moving on. My advice still stands. Leave as soon as you can. Tell him you don't love him anymore and that should seal the deal or it should if he has a modicum of self respect. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 On 2/16/2020 at 4:52 AM, oldsoul20 said: I'm just tired of feeling like I am heading down the same path as my parents, even his parents. I don't want to settle for comfortable, I want to experience the love that takes your breath away and leaves you with butterflies. Usually women experience the passionate relationships that have an expiration date and when they are bored or fed up with them and they want the security of a marriage and kids, they choose the guy who won't be their fantasy guy but he can be a loving and caring husband who will do his best for the family. None of these situations are "wrong" or "right" and none of these situations are perfect. If you had experienced the "crazy" dates and the passionate men, maybe you would be more satisfied in your marriage right now, but you didn't and you miss what you didn't experience. It's normal, if you ask me. So I suggest you get out of this marriage and start to date but always having your kid as a priority. Also have in mind that you are not the stupid 18 years old girl, you are mature enough not to let any man take advantage of you and treat you bad. You are very young and you have time to live as a single woman who wants to have fun. Go out and have fun, but be careful and keep your eyes open. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LillyFair Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Let em go Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Well OP, since you aren't tied to this man legally when do you plan to start looking for your own place for you and your daughter? Link to post Share on other sites
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