stillafool Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 On 2/17/2020 at 12:17 PM, SummerDreams said: Was he stable having a child with a 24 years old girl when he was 35? She wasn't a girl. At 24 she was a young woman. My mom was married with 2 kids at 24. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 The part of our brains that can foresee consequences aren't even formed until the mid- to late 20s. This, combined with lack of life experience, is why teens and young women end up pregnant before they have any idea what it will do to their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 44 minutes ago, stillafool said: She wasn't a girl. At 24 she was a young woman. My mom was married with 2 kids at 24. Read again the family the OP comes from and please be more empathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 On 2/18/2020 at 5:51 PM, SummerDreams said: Read again the family the OP comes from and please be more empathetic. I reserve that for the one person in all of this who is getting dragged along for the ride- the little girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 17 minutes ago, pepperbird said: I reserve that for the one person in all of this who is getting dragged along for the ride- the little girl. Omg, the little girl does not want her mom being sacrificed in misery! I don't understand your obsession, millions of people get divorced every day and millions of kids grow up in a healthy way with divorced parents. The OP obviously tried to stay with this man and decided she can't - doesn't want to. What is the matter with you trying to guilt her into staying in a miserable marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 On 2/15/2020 at 9:52 PM, oldsoul20 said: I never got to experience life independently. Never had my own apartment, never been responsible for holding down my own. I left my parents house and went straight to living with him. * * * . I miss being able to flirt with whom ever I want and going out with friends without feeling like I should be home. * * * I understand that leaving him, I still have a daughter to think about. * * * . He has given me the best gift ever(our daughter) and I wouldn't trade having her with him for anything. * * * I don't want to settle for comfortable, I want to experience the love that takes your breath away and leaves you with butterflies. I want to experience life without having to answer to any man. I know how I want to be loved and he isn't providing it for me. Am I wrong? Any advice is greatly appreciated. On 2/17/2020 at 12:17 PM, SummerDreams said: She never said she wants to abandon her child, never said she wants to be free. She said that she hasn't experienced being with a man who loves her with passion and that she wants to live it. Although she says she loves her daughter. . . all of the above portions of her post are all about being free & living the carefree life of an unattached 20 something with little to no responsibility. Sorry but that dream sailed the minute her daughter was born. Moreover the "love" that the OP seeks is the stuff of fairytales from movies & books. It's unrealistic & doesn't exist. Sure you get butterflies occasionally but that is not a constant state of being. Comfortable is the best most people can hope for yet she is rejecting that outright. Since they are not married she can easily walk & go chase her dream but the costs of a 2 bedroom apartment, raising a child, child care, & tuition all seem like she's got a tough row to hoe. She thinks getting rid of the lazy baby daddy is the answer to her dreams. She's wrong. This will be one more bad decision in what looks to be a long line of them & now the child will be negatively impacted. Unless she's is in a state that recognizes palimony she has zero claims to that house. The child will get child support. She is not entitled to anything from the baby daddy. If she had a plan other then I want to flirt & not be with this guy anymore I'd be more supportive but I just hear somebody chasing a dream that doesn't exist. Of course she should get a degree if she wants one but what's the path to that goal ? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 I mean, the OP isn't even really getting a divorce - they weren't married to begin with. Don't know if she lives in a jurisdiction that legally recognizes de facto/common law couples. I don't think her expectations of what life will be as a single mum (with no alimony and no claim to the house) are realistic. But it really depends on what exactly she wants out of it. If all she wants is to be rid of the lazy, hurtful partner that she doesn't love (and she has tried MC and it doesn't work), then I think that's achievable while keeping her daughter reasonably happy and healthy. But if she's imagining that she'll be free as a bird, "true love" will fall into her lap, and she won't have to answer to anyone... no, not really. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 4 hours ago, SummerDreams said: Omg, the little girl does not want her mom being sacrificed in misery! I don't understand your obsession, millions of people get divorced every day and millions of kids grow up in a healthy way with divorced parents. The OP obviously tried to stay with this man and decided she can't - doesn't want to. What is the matter with you trying to guilt her into staying in a miserable marriage? the only one who sees anyone trying to guilt him into staying in a. crappy marriage is you. Everyone else is saying he should go, and she needs to either use the facilities or get off the pot. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 1 hour ago, pepperbird said: the only one who sees anyone trying to guilt him into staying in a. crappy marriage is you. Everyone else is saying he should go, and she needs to either use the facilities or get off the pot. I said "guilt HER" into staying in the marriage. You are trying to minimize her feelings and make it look like her kid won't be taken care of or won't be happy if her parents are not together. I ask for the third time, how many kids are growing up in a healthy way with divorced parents? Start replying and stop avoiding my point. Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 On 2/16/2020 at 4:52 AM, oldsoul20 said: I'm just tired of feeling like I am heading down the same path as my parents, even his parents. I don't want to settle for comfortable, I want to experience the love that takes your breath away and leaves you with butterflies. I want to experience life without having to answer to any man. I know how I want to be loved and he isn't providing it for me. Am I wrong? Any advice is greatly appreciated. That kind of love is akin to a drug. What you're saying is that your settled life as a mother and (common law) wife is boring you and that you want to experience an emotional high. Why not try and find the spark with your BF first? Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 The grass is not always greener on the other side. Be careful what you wish for - you may get it. The "Disney Fantasy" of all butterflies and romance is usually short lived and I doubt you find it long term and wouldn't be surprised if you were eventually sorry for leaving your current situation. Be sure you want to leave. If you do, then do it - but recognize your daughter will also be paying a price. She will also pay a price if you stay and act miserable though. At the very least, you should be developing your education/skills so you can make a decent living. Start that immediately. Also tell your boyfriend you are unhappy and what you think would help you be happy (it is NOT his responsibility to 'make you happy' - he can't do that - you have to find that yourself). Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 "I love him, but I'm no longer in love with him" translates as "I have never loved him and I have just realized it just now." Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 On 2/20/2020 at 3:02 PM, SummerDreams said: I said "guilt HER" into staying in the marriage. You are trying to minimize her feelings and make it look like her kid won't be taken care of or won't be happy if her parents are not together. I ask for the third time, how many kids are growing up in a healthy way with divorced parents? Start replying and stop avoiding my point. I'm thinking of her child first. I am not saying she should stay ( I have no idea why you think that). What I am saying is that she needs to grow up, whether she stays or goes. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 As someone who knows, children are not better off living in an unpleasant household with no love for them to model. I wanted my parents to stop living together, but unfortunately, my mother wanted to leave the home I grew up in where it was out in the country and my horse and trail bike and animals and take me somewhere i couldn't have any of that, and I let her know. I feel bad about it now. And ironically, when she did later divorce after I was grown, she kept the acreage for some time anyway. It's not easy no matter what goes down, but listening to parents fight is miserable on a child. Adults think if you're in the back room, you don't hear it or take it seriously, but I would be just hunkered down hearing everything, paralyzed with fear. However, I do agree with the posters who caution the OP that life isn't going to go as planned since she will still have the responsibility of the child at least half the time and need to work hard to support herself and the child, but I do think everyone should learn to stand on their own and not stay in a relationship out of fear of leaving. I don't know what her earning capacity is. Probably not great. But she'll have 3 and a half days a week, if she doesn't fetter them away just partying, to take some classes or work, work, work. She'll either learn to balance it all or she won't. We ALL had to learn to survive, didn't we? You do it when you have to. Don't know where she lives, but if it's the U.S. , we don't let kids go hungry here. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said: "I love him, but I'm no longer in love with him" translates as "I have never loved him and I have just realized it just now." no... I think that's completely wrong. I think it means just that. At one time... it was fun, and she had butterflies, and life was an adventure. BUT... spin the clock forward, and she has some regrets, and it's just everyday life now. BUT... she thinks it should be "50 shades of Grey" or "Cinderella" every day of her life. OK... with my marriage... my exW just went nutz, and had several bitter women around her to push her the wrong direction. BUT... I have a close female friend who is letting her marriage fall apart for that exact reason. Her husband (also my friend) is a good guy... he works, and brings home $$$. He takes care of the kids, and has given her the life THAT SHE HAS ASKED FOR. But now she has regrets, and wants to relive her carefree 20's, (college days) and wants to go out. She is getting mad at her H because he wants her to be home... but she just wants to go out every night. She is involved with a few community groups, and then wants to hang out with her... well... BF on Friday and Saturday. In turn... leaving her H alone with the kids. Her mind is on partying, and probably screwing her BF... and she now gets mad at her H when he questions it. Since they are both my friends... I've asked to not be put in the middle... but I will help any way I can. But as you can see... it's not just a "I realize it now" kind of thing. Edited March 11, 2020 by Blind-Sided Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 whatever the op decides, she needs to do it soon. her child is growing up, and the longer she waits, the greater the impact this could have. It sounds very much to me like the op may have had feelings for the guy, but she's moved on from that. Link to post Share on other sites
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