d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 If you are not married, then walk. Do consult an attorney about child support but otherwise there is nothing keeping you there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 I don't see why she has to leave. She will have the kid so she gets to stay with the kid in the house. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 He owns his home and is not married to her. I don't think it's fair that he should give her his home when they aren't married. She will receive child support to help with her new home. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 4 hours ago, LillyFair said: Let em go By "em" do you mean him and the child? I don't see a problem with this either if they both decide it's what's best for the child. OP needs to leave and find happiness and I'll bet he is feeling the strain as well. It's doubtful that one partner is dissatisfied with the relationship, sex life while the other one is happy with it. They both should be free to find the loves of their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 14 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: I don't see why she has to leave. She will have the kid so she gets to stay with the kid in the house. It's his house & she wants out. She never wanted the house in the 1st place. That was his dream. She just lives there. If she wants adventure saddling her with home ownership does not give her the freedom she craves. Also although she loves her child I'm not sure she should be the custodial parent. He's more stable. She wants to be fancy free which is not the best way to raise a child. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 14 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It's his house & she wants out. She never wanted the house in the 1st place. That was his dream. She just lives there. If she wants adventure saddling her with home ownership does not give her the freedom she craves. Also although she loves her child I'm not sure she should be the custodial parent. He's more stable. She wants to be fancy free which is not the best way to raise a child. Lol. Was he stable having a child with a 24 years old girl when he was 35? Or the stability came later? She never said she wants to abandon her child, never said she wants to be free. She said that she hasn't experienced being with a man who loves her with passion and that she wants to live it. Does this mean she will leave her kid? Of course not. Millions of single or divorced women with kids can raise their kids, have a job and date all at the same time. Why are you that strict with her? Yes she made a mistake to have a baby with such an older man when she was really young, but I don't see you accusing her BF who is 11 years older than her! What kind of sexism is that? Other than that, if this guy is such a good father, he will spare his 4 years old kid losing her home and her stability and he will move out at least until the OP finds a good job and a good home for her kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Is he a good father to your daughter? I think that separating a very young daughter from her father is a bad idea - assuming he's a good dad. Children need a close bond with their fathers. You can find your backbone through counseling and self-development. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 He will have more time with the child now with them having joint custody than he ever did before! He will now be doing half. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 At least she's willing to get out of the house and room where all he's doing is playing video games. They will both have to learn to balance taking care of this child and hopefully it will benefit them all in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 On 2/16/2020 at 10:55 PM, oldsoul20 said: I appreciate everyone's responses. However, I am not married. Not even engaged. My daughter was not planned. All I wanted was a bigger apartment than what we were living in(a 1 bedroom with 2 adults and a baby is not ideal), he wanted a house. Because I don't pay the rent it was his decision. My name is not on his mortgage, my name is not in any of the bills, I just help pay for them. I have tried. I've asked him and made plans to go out and have fun but he never wants to go. He wants to stay home and watch TV or play his XBOX. As for sex, I have put an effort forth. I hosted my own sex toy party, I bought toys, I do oral, anal, and different positions. He likes it but he never touched me while it happens. I can be riding him and he just lays there. He can be pounding away from behind and not grab my ass or titties. That is how it is boring. I am fully aware of the effects it will have in my daughter. I will still be in the same city she lives in, we will share custody of her and work with each other. Neither of us wants to go to court. I have had many conversations with him about how I feel over the years but nothing changes, or it changes for a bit and then goes right back. Or he will only do something because I bagged him to do it and be miserable the entire time or rush me to hurry up. Also, I'm not doing this because I want to run away and find someone else or to chase the butterfly feeling. I am fully aware that love is difficult and challenging. I am doing this because I want to find my own independence. Find my self without being attached to him. I know I have a permanent attachment to my daughter and she will always come first. it;s not going to be up to the two of you, unless you can work this out for yourselves. a judge will decide custody arrangements, and they may not be to your liking. If you really are that unhappy in your current life situation, then I say leave, but only after you have put in the work so that you can walk away and honesty say you've tried everything to make it work. That means taking ownership of the fact that the relationship issues aren't all one sided, giving counselling an honest effort and being open with your spouse about how you are feeling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 21 hours ago, SummerDreams said: I don't see why she has to leave. She will have the kid so she gets to stay with the kid in the house. Legally, she may have no right to be there. I don't know. If leaving is the price she has to pay to keep the peace, it may be worth it in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 21 hours ago, SummerDreams said: Lol. Was he stable having a child with a 24 years old girl when he was 35? Or the stability came later? She never said she wants to abandon her child, never said she wants to be free. She said that she hasn't experienced being with a man who loves her with passion and that she wants to live it. Does this mean she will leave her kid? Of course not. Millions of single or divorced women with kids can raise their kids, have a job and date all at the same time. Why are you that strict with her? Yes she made a mistake to have a baby with such an older man when she was really young, but I don't see you accusing her BF who is 11 years older than her! What kind of sexism is that? Other than that, if this guy is such a good father, he will spare his 4 years old kid losing her home and her stability and he will move out at least until the OP finds a good job and a good home for her kid. so her kid should get shuffled around, have her life uprooted and not enjoy the stability she should so her mom can spend a few years finding herself? that really doesn't make a lot of sense. this is a real, live little human being, her mom doesn't get to just put her on and off the self when she feels like playing. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 18 hours ago, preraph said: At least she's willing to get out of the house and room where all he's doing is playing video games. They will both have to learn to balance taking care of this child and hopefully it will benefit them all in the long run. I would, love to know what his side of the story is. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 If you are in the United States, here is who determines and collects the child support for you. He pays the government and the government pays you. but I still urge you to do joint custody so you don't have the child all the time. so that may mean less child support but it also means you get what you want most which is more freedom. Depending on your incomes he still may have to give you some child support or if you make more you may have to give him some. But this is where you find out. And it needs to be done. https://www.usa.gov/federal-agencies/office-of-child-support-enforcement 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 1 hour ago, pepperbird said: so her kid should get shuffled around, have her life uprooted and not enjoy the stability she should so her mom can spend a few years finding herself? that really doesn't make a lot of sense. this is a real, live little human being, her mom doesn't get to just put her on and off the self when she feels like playing. No kid wants an unhappy parent who doesn't want to be there. Believe me, I know. It's weird that in this forum when a spouse is cheating we easily say "cheating? divorce!" but here we have a woman who is unhappy and some people just don't care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 1 hour ago, SummerDreams said: No kid wants an unhappy parent who doesn't want to be there. Believe me, I know. It's weird that in this forum when a spouse is cheating we easily say "cheating? divorce!" but here we have a woman who is unhappy and some people just don't care. do you really think and young child is capable of even beginning to understand why their adult mother is unhappy, let alone care? Kids are selfish beings. They care about their stability, home and comfort. A parent's job is to provide that. If they don't feel they can do that, fair enough- they should just do their "growing up" on their own time. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 I remember being a young kid who sure didn't like to listen to my dad yelling at my mom. Fear is what they feel in an unhappy household. This is the time to get out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 7 minutes ago, pepperbird said: do you really think and young child is capable of even beginning to understand why their adult mother is unhappy, let alone care? Kids are selfish beings. They care about their stability, home and comfort. A parent's job is to provide that. If they don't feel they can do that, fair enough- they should just do their "growing up" on their own time. A kid might not know why the parent is unhappy but they surely feel they are unhappy and it's the worst feeling. My mom stayed with my alcoholic and abusive dad for 18 years for me and she was unhappy and I still feel guilty about it (although it wasn't my fault). So please stop being bitter with a woman who decided she is unhappy in her marriage and she wants out and start being more empathetic. We are here to help people who have problems, not beat them and guilt them into staying unhappy and sad. Please. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, preraph said: I remember being a young kid who sure didn't like to listen to my dad yelling at my mom. Fear is what they feel in an unhappy household. This is the time to get out. I'm not saying she shouldn't go. what I am saying is that she either is mother a mother or she isn't. there's no half in/half out. Other than her partner being lazy and not greet in bed, she makes no mention of him being a drunk, a drug user or being abusive. Edited February 18, 2020 by pepperbird Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 7 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: A kid might not know why the parent is unhappy but they surely feel they are unhappy and it's the worst feeling. My mom stayed with my alcoholic and abusive dad for 18 years for me and she was unhappy and I still feel guilty about it (although it wasn't my fault). So please stop being bitter with a woman who decided she is unhappy in her marriage and she wants out and start being more empathetic. We are here to help people who have problems, not beat them and guilt them into staying unhappy and sad. Please. please highlight the portion of her post where she's being abused or where her child knows she;s unhappy. No one is suggesting she stay if she is miserable. what I am saying is that if she feels she needs to find herself and her place in the world, she can't put he daughter on hold. She can't wait. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, pepperbird said: Other than her partner being lazy and not greet in bed, she makes no mention of him being a drunk, a drug user or being abusive. At least he is not a drunk, a drug user or an abuser. Is that the best she can hope for? Edited February 18, 2020 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) She's not even married to this guy. She's too young to accept the situation as a life sentence. We don't know if she's a good mother or a bad mother, but that's not going to change just because she leaves this guy who sits in his room and plays video games and is too old for her. Staying isn't going to make her a better mother. It will likely make her a worse one and just cause more dysfunction around the child. Edited February 18, 2020 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) Well this story should be on Planned Parenthood's front page... OP, I feel for you. Nobody should have to be tied down to a partner and child at 23. I don't know why you decided to keep the unplanned child especially at that age and not being married, but either way, when the child was had, you made a commitment. IMO, a commitment you were far too young and unprepared to make, but a commitment nevertheless. I suggest you try MC to work things out with your partner. You might never end up actually loving him, but it might make life tolerable. When your child is 18, you will still have many years left in your life to take a lover, travel, live on your own, etc. (Btw, except for the lover part, you won't be able to do most of that as a single mum without an education anyway, even if you only have joint custody.) Also, stop doing all of the housework for your partner. Use that time to go to school part-time instead. Doesn't matter whether he thinks you should or shouldn't, even if you are staying you don't have to let him make all the decisions. As you say you are working full-time, you should have enough money to pay for your own education, so you don't have to rely on him. This will set you up for a better life on your own later on. Edited February 18, 2020 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 On 2/17/2020 at 5:43 AM, d0nnivain said: Life doesn't end when you marry. My husband finished college while married to me. Together we travel often. Well, it really depends on who you marry (or procreate with). Of course, to many of us, marriage is not a shackle and it is freeing. But being with the wrong person is a shackle. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 Made a long post and then deleted it. Not married... Just tell him what you want and leave. If you do it without telling the father, then that will fall into parental kidnapping. regardless of what happens, you will hurt the kid. PERIOD. (just like my ex did) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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