MATTYD Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 Hello everyone, So my ex is an alcoholic. Which brought an abusive relationship to the table. She has bad depression etc etc. In her darkest times she was not nice to me. Nearly got me in prison. But now after many months have passed it's so different. She's admitted she knows what she did/dies is horrible to me and to everyone else that loves her. I've stupidly come to her aid a lot lately after her current guy (the third in not even a year) being a lot in touch with ex. Who may I point out has a second child on the way. She's been staying with me a lot. But has gone again back to him after she said she was done with him. Wasn't easy her being on the phone to him hearing the shouting but then her saying she loves him bla bla bla. I did so much for her when she was here. Looked after her so well. Got her to an AA meeting. She tells me she loves me, misses me, adores me, has feelings for me but adamant we won't get back together. We slept together quite a bit when she was here. So yes I know I'm not much better than her current guy. Basically were a couple again. Was great. She left some stuff here so am meeting her tomorrow to give her items to her. I've written her quite a long letter explaining my feelings and emotions and what she has said. She's only herself around me which I think is pretty important. Really wants me to be her best friend which I f***ing weird. I even drove her up to Stroud last Sunday for her to collect all her stuff from her flat with her guy. And now she's run back there. She's said she doesn't love him and used him to rescue her from the guy she was with after me who raped her. Which is genuine. I'm now a bit depressed cause I'm thinking she's gonna live happily ever after with this current guy. But I guess in reality that's something she'll find hard to have with mental health issues? He says he's gonna get her through all her issues. She's run away from him three times to me. And three times he's taken her back. Both of us are mugs I know! Do I cut her out of my life. I'm guessing it's only a matter of time before she'll run to me again? Thanks in advance for any replies. Matt Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 She's got a lot of therapy and sobriety to do on herself before she'll have a good relationship. Meanwhile, it sounds like she's mostly just codependent with whoever will let her lean on them. That's not good. Set some standards and don't enable her. She needs to stay sober and it will take YEARS for maturity or any change. It doesn't happen just as soon as you're sober. Addiction stunts your mental emotional growth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 This reminds me of that song Self-esteem by The Offspring. Youtube it if you haven't ever heard it or it's been awhile. You should be able to compare the lyrics to your current situation and get a good chuckle out of it. You'll have decided if it's best to cut her out of your life. She does have problems and does use you. You just have to figure out if you're ok with that and why you don't want something better because it's going to prevent you from having anything better. I don't see herself straightening herself out or changing anytime soon. Sounds like she stresses her current bf out and escapes to you until things calm down. Rinse and repeat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MATTYD Posted February 10, 2020 Author Share Posted February 10, 2020 Thank you for the replies so far. They are appreciated. I wonder if there is something wrong with me for still wanting someone like this in my life still? She has admitted she doesn't mean to do all this to people that love her. She just can't stop it. But then again is saying something like that a form of manipulation? I think I mentioned I need to see her later to give her some stuff. I'm planning on saying some nice stuff, but also that I won't be second best anymore. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 You definitely have some issues to address yourself, yes. Evidently your self-worth is rock-bottom, since you allow her to use you for affection and attention and a roof over her head whenever it suits her. That willingness to be her doormat is destructive to you. You are not putting any boundaries in place to protect your own emotional well-being, which again suggests your self-esteem is nearly non-existent. This is a dysfunctional, dead-end situation, OP. Whether or she lives happily ever after with this other man is irrelevant. You should be a lot more focused on you living happily ever, which can only begin when you decide you're going to make healthier choices and remodel your definition of love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) Take yourself to an Al-Anon meeting to learn about your role in her addiction. It's a group for people who love addicts. Once you educate yourself some of your Qs will be answered Edited February 10, 2020 by d0nnivain 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 On 2/9/2020 at 4:17 PM, MATTYD said: I'm guessing it's only a matter of time before she'll run to me again? She may run to you, it doesn’t mean that you have to answer the phone or open the door. You would be well served Matt to find yourself an al-anon meeting to attend. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 Sometimes one of the kindest things you can do for an addict/alcoholic is to shut the door in their face. Remember that if she wasn't substance abusing, she wouldn't be running back to you. You are being used. Try and project yourself into the future where you meet someone new who you really have a good relationship with....and then ask yourself if you would want Miss BoozeHound knocking on your door in the middle of the night looking for a shoulder to cry on. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MATTYD Posted February 11, 2020 Author Share Posted February 11, 2020 All good advice, thank you. I know I only have myself to blame. I guess I hanker after her getting completely better. But the reality of this for someone with a serious addiction I know is probably quite slim. Well at least for the not to distant future. She'll be battling this for the rest of her life. It just hurts when she gets so close to me and then f***s off again. Like I say, it's my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 3 hours ago, MATTYD said: It just hurts when she gets so close to me and then f***s off again. All the more reason for you to have really strong boundaries and keep your distance from this woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crazycanuck86 Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 I'm been/still going a similar situation with my ex and the harsh truth is she needs to grow the f*** up, and deal with her own issues. You can't fix her, only she can do that...and as much as you care for her this will always be a emotionally and psychologically toxic relationship for you and you deserve better, we both do. One more thing you've done nothing wrong don't blame yourself for her being the way she is...my advice cut her off and move on to someone who actually recognises and appreciates you for who you are and isn't going to use you as an emotional security blanket to just discard at a wim. I'm sorry my friend but you did everything you could the rest is up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MATTYD Posted February 13, 2020 Author Share Posted February 13, 2020 Thanks all for the replies. I went to an Al-Anon meeting on Tuesday. Was quite beneficial. I just have to be ready and stronger if the s*** hits the fan again with this bloke and his vast amount of baggage. Not ideal for her but her choice. She hates it when I point out the reality of her situation she's got herself into. Buries her head in the sand and says I'm being negative and that isn't good for her! Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) The problem with an alcoholic isnt alcohol. Thats your problem (and everyone else she hurts) with her addiction. Her problem is sobriety. Having a father who was an alcoholic and a partner for many years who was addicted to alcohol and cocaine, I can genuinely say anything outside of saying "I will not enable you. I will not give you a place to sleep. I will take you to a meeting. Where can I come get you? The meeting is at 7. I love you, and I'll see you at 7." Through my 20s, I worked with alcoholics and addicts who wanted to get clean and sober. It isnt an easy road to recovery but often the people who love them most are the ones doing the most harm Outside of that, all you're doing is keeping her drunk and enabling her. If you give her a warm bed, its enabling her. If you sit on the phone for 3 hours listening to what she now got herself messed up with, it enables her... you get the point I hope. Continue to offer only meeting drop offs, and maybe even sitting with her in meetings, but stop engaging in this mess entirely unless it to get help. You're doing her no good and she has no rock bottom in sight when she has 2 (maybe and probably more) mens houses to run to for cover and a nice warm bed. She needs to hit rock bottom. The behaviour you are showing her is only enabling her to continue and it's a mistake so many make when you care deeply for someone. Do not spend more than 5 minutes on the phone with her yammering about the next issue she has. That's all she has is issues (so there is no doubt all convos will highlight her problems) and youre carrying them for her by engaging and listening. Stop it. This isnt healthy for you. I personally wouldn't put up with it for a second if she had multiple men to run to, but if you must, help her by ONLY helping her. This isnt it. Edited February 13, 2020 by Daisydooks 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 2 hours ago, MATTYD said: She hates it when I point out the reality of her situation she's got herself into. Buries her head in the sand and says I'm being negative and that isn't good for her! She hates anything that resembles reality. Stop educating her. She doesn't want it, need it, or value it. She values her addiction and if whatever you're saying doesnt fit in with that reality, she will fight that tooth and nail. Of course she doesnt want to hear it. The communication, if you MUST continue speaking to her at all, is stated above by me. If it has nothing to do with being or getting sober, you need no part of it and there is nothing to discuss. So stop discussing her issues and trying to reason with an unreasonable human. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 Yes, cut her out! then seek professional help for yourself to understand why you would waste one more second on someone who is so broken. she has many problems and issues. She admits she uses people. don't let it be you. Get help for that. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 2 hours ago, MATTYD said: Thanks all for the replies. I went to an Al-Anon meeting on Tuesday. Was quite beneficial. I just have to be ready and stronger if the s*** hits the fan again with this bloke and his vast amount of baggage. Not ideal for her but her choice. She hates it when I point out the reality of her situation she's got herself into. Buries her head in the sand and says I'm being negative and that isn't good for her! No is the answer to give her every time. also, what do YOU plan to do to solve your problem? ...is an appropriate response. these are HER problems to solve, not yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MATTYD Posted February 16, 2020 Author Share Posted February 16, 2020 First of all please see my post titled..... 'Alcoholic ex keeps running to me?' And second of all I just want to say that the replies I've been getting have really helped me to be strong. So the abusive ex now wants to be my friend. Even though she's again so quickly with another guy. Who again is a soft touch and taken her back lots when she's done a bolt (just like I did) After reading my other post I want to not stoop to her level and be an arsehole but tactfully say thanks but no thanks. What I felt for her was real. She doesn't know what real love/emotion/feelings are. And I guess this is how she finds it easy to go from one relationship to the next. It's just for convenience. I'm sick of being her backup. And I guess this is what she's trying to do to me. Especially as this new guy has a child and second on the way with his ex!!!! How do I tell her in the nicest possible way to f*** off and will I get respect from her for that? Contact has be kept to an absolute minimum lately. Thanks, Matt Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 3 hours ago, MATTYD said: strong. How do I tell her in the nicest possible way to f*** off and will I get respect from her for that? Contact has be kept to an absolute minimum lately. Nope. That ship sailed ages ago. You have to stop engaging with her completely. This is never going to have a happy ending, dude. Link to post Share on other sites
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