EvaE Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Hi, feeling really low and could really do with some advice and insight. Myself and my ex have been friends for many years, he was adamant that we were sole mates and were meant to be together, after years of him asking me out I gave in and honestly it was at the time the best decision I made. For the first year he literally was the most amazing boyfriend, I had been treated badly in previous relationships and at times my insecurities were a lot to handle, I don’t trust anyone as iv never been shown I can, he was very understanding and patient even when I was being fiery and didn’t deserve his kindness. A year into the relationship he confirmed that he had been gambling and just like that my trust was broken. We were saving for a house at the time and any future plans we had were gone, he was in 60 thousand + worth of debt, he had taken loans and credit cards out and had no way of paying this back. From then on we argued, broke up and got back together several times. Each time declaring his love for me but blaming my fieryness and insecurities for our issues, he never seemed to take accountability for his actions. I can be very spiteful when I argue (something I hate) and I always felt it was my fault that we split up. He changed massively and made no effort because he was so low himself, we were in a horrible cycle of me being fiery and nasty which made him not make effort which in turn made me mad. We just couldn’t seem to break it. He didn’t realise that although he hadn’t cheated he had broken all my trust and I lost respect for him. He wasn’t the person I fell in love with. After several terrible arguments we ended. After a short while he reached out and again declared his love and said he wanted to make it work but realised he had work to do, he basically wanted me to wait around. I did for a short while but his lack of effort was bringing me down and I realised this was only benefiting him. We ended for good and not in a nice way. A few weeks ago randomly after two months of no contact he reached out to my sister and said he was sorry for everything, he wished things could be different etc but that we weren’t right for each other due to things we couldn’t control. He said he will always love me and will forever regret what happened. He also sent a picture of my mums grave that he had been visiting on his dark days to be close to me - I found this manipulative. He asked for my sister to not tell me and that he was messaging to get some things off his chest? We spoke as I was annoyed, he again said he was sorry and he wished things were different and that he will always love me and my family. Last week a close friend killed themselves, my sister reached out to him as he has openly said on his darkest times that he wishes he wasn’t here etc she had an over whelming urge to message him - he never replied. I guess I am confused by his actions, when we split he wished me the best then and we had closure etc, I don’t see why he would message two months later and send pictures of my mums grave for closure and say we don’t work, he knew this would hurt me. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want me to know he messaged if it was for closure. I know it sounds so stupid but I’m hurt that three weeks ago he was happy to receive messages from my sister when it suited him but now he no longer replies. I feel his behaviour has been selfish and manipulative. Am I over reacting? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 He just sounds confused and messed up, unfortunately that happens to a lot of people. He doesn't want to let you go, but can't deal with being with you either. And yes, his behavior is selfish and manipulative, he does what he feels like at the moment without regard to how it might hurt you. You're not overreacting. The most important - and hardest - thing to do is deal with your own thoughts and emotions and get to the point of accepting you have to let go of him in your heart and mind. He's part of your past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) Why is your sister giving him an audience? Seems to me, the first time he contacted her, she should have told him quick to not contact her about anything regarding you and blocked him. That's what I would have done had my sister's ex done this. Edited February 17, 2020 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 34 minutes ago, kendahke said: Why is your sister giving him an audience? Seems to me, the first time he contacted her, she should have told him quick to not contact her about anything regarding you and blocked him. That's what I would have done had my sister's ex done this. Me too. If this was my sister, I'd kindly tell him to leave me alone and find a friend he can confide in but that I wasnt that person. Then block him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EvaE Posted February 17, 2020 Author Share Posted February 17, 2020 2 hours ago, FMW said: He just sounds confused and messed up, unfortunately that happens to a lot of people. He doesn't want to let you go, but can't deal with being with you either. And yes, his behavior is selfish and manipulative, he does what he feels like at the moment without regard to how it might hurt you. You're not overreacting. The most important - and hardest - thing to do is deal with your own thoughts and emotions and get to the point of accepting you have to let go of him in your heart and mind. He's part of your past. Thank you for your reply and I couldn’t agree more! Just continues his selfish behaviour. Thanks for your kind advice it has made me feel a lot better. Xx 2 hours ago, kendahke said: Why is your sister giving him an audience? Seems to me, the first time he contacted her, she should have told him quick to not contact her about anything regarding you and blocked him. That's what I would have done had my sister's ex done this. My sister replied wishing him well and that was that. She never gave him any reassurance or information on me and never replied to his last message. He was apart of our friendship circle for 12+ years, she wanted to reply as he’s not a random ex. she reached out after our friend died as he too had said he had suicidal thoughts, she felt it was important to reach out so he knew that there was always someone there. Something I feel is kind and was the right thing to do. No one wants regret that they didn’t reach out if someone has been honest they they are struggling. He just didn’t care to reply with a thank you. Which says more about him than my sister. thanks for your reply. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Since your sister has known him for 12 years she probably knows some of his family as well. I would have contacted one of them and asked them to check on their relative. It is no longer your family's responsibility to get involved. it doesn't sound like he's changed nor you so it is best to stay NC. He 20 hours ago, EvaE said: I guess I am confused by his actions, when we split he wished me the best then and we had closure etc, I don’t see why he would message two months later and send pictures of my mums grave for closure and say we don’t work, he knew this would hurt me. He can process the break up anyway he chooses that fits him best. You do not have to react it. Hurt people, hurt others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Yes, almost anytime an ex contacts a family member or friend, they are hoping to manipulate you. It's actually on the list of "stalker behavior." Because lots of times they can convince relatives or friends they're lovesick instead of just messed up and then they hope they will put pressure on you. You need to tell your sister to not talk to him and NEVER to share anything about you with him. You guys gave it a try. It didn't work. Time to move on. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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