Ex sent me flowers on Valentines Day

[thecrucible]

I got flowers from who I think was my ex on Valentines Day. No tag or anything. Now the buzz has worn off and I realise they are probably from him and I don’t know what to do. I think contacting him would open a whole can of worms but it seems impolite to ignore it. I don’t want him back and I’ve started liking other guys though I’m not seeing anyone. However it’s still got me into a tizzy and made me feel guilty. 

[alphamale]

just send him a letter or email saying thanks for the flowers and hope you are well.  nothing more and nothing less

[Marc878]

I would totally ignore. Why open that can of worms.

you owe nothing here

he didn’t bother to sign the card so.

Edited February 17, 2020 by Marc878

[thecrucible]

Thank you. He has sent me several letters since September but I haven't felt able to reply to any. I did sent him an email near my birthday to tell him I was touched by the birthday card but couldn't speak to him for several months as it was still too raw. He then sent me a letter which I didn't open as I was too anxious to do so. I told myself that this time I would open a letter if it came...I actually don't know if the flowers are from him but I'm assuming they are.

[Cookiesandough]

If you’re interested in getting back together with him, maybe ask him if he sent the flowers ?

[thecrucible]

7 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

If you’re interested in getting back together with him, maybe ask him if he sent the flowers ?

Thanks. I don’t want to get back with him. It might be making me anxious because I want an apology from him which never came when we were together. We just got into this cycle where he would never change and it kept being toxic. He would disappear for periods of time then reappear as if everything could be okay again 😕 

[K.K.]

Don’t ask him if he sent the flowers. Because if he didn’t, well... embarrassing! 

If he did, he’ll let you know. He’ll be tripping all over himself to let you know. 

You don’t want to get back with him anyway so why potentially mess yourself up by responding? 

When in doubt - Don’t. 🤪

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Given that you don't want to get back with him, there's no point in contacting him.

[thecrucible]

For context, this is the same ex I've posted threads about several times before. It's now six months since our breakup and I've only broken no contact once. I haven't even been able to open anything he's sent me. But this time I did and remembered my therapist's advice to reply with a firm 'no' which I did. Now I'm feeling quite upset. I guess I'd hoped he'd have said sorry to me but he didn't. I broke up with him because there were problems and he couldn't compromise and wouldn't apologise for saying upsetting things without a bit of prodding from me. I still miss him though. In some ways, it feels like I've walked away from someone I loved and one friend has told me that men never apologise and my standards are too high...but I just couldn't deal with any more pain. I had tried to raise these issues with him and when I couldn't get through to him by talking, I wrote them down on a piece of paper and asked him to read it and sort it out. Then when that didn't work, we went to a counselling session. He then wrote me a letter saying that my attitude in the session was terrible because I brought up the issues and saying he wouldn't go to another unless my attitude changed. As he had done on other occasions, he said "well maybe we should just break up then?". It was that incident that made me finally break up with him. 

In the email a few days ago he talked about how depressed he was and how he hated his job and I do feel for him but I feel powerless to do anything about that. He said "Perhaps I should have done the easy thing and begged you for forgiveness...but I would be letting myself down if I didn't give voice to the hurt and pain you caused me". If asking for forgiveness is so easy, why hasn't he done it? I wasn't trying to cause him pain by leaving him, I was just trying to escape the pain I felt because I didn't feel heard by him or have my feelings validated. With that statement, it just felt like he still couldn't take any responsibility for his own actions.

He's not a horrible person but it's hard. There was a period where there were lots of arguments and he wouldn't reach out afterwards to apologise for saying hurtful things. He didn't communicate with me properly for months, just went off the radar and then he came back and thought everything would be fine again.

The tricky thing when a guy doesn't apologise is that you can't just say you want him to because then it doesn't feel real if he does. It's very tempting to write another note to say everything I wrote here but my friends have advised me against it. Ahh what do I do?

[thecrucible]

I found out it was him now as he sent me an email a few days ago. 😢 He's telling me he's depressed and hates his job and it makes me feel rubbish because I know logically I can't go back to him even though part of my heart wants to.

[kendahke]

On 2/17/2020 at 3:50 AM, thecrucible said:

He would disappear for periods of time then reappear as if everything could be okay again

This was another iteration of that same thing.

[kendahke]

54 minutes ago, thecrucible said:

I guess I'd hoped he'd have said sorry to me but he didn't.

If he was going to ante up an apology to you, he'd have done it by now.

In all this time, he hasn't changed one bit, so he's not going to be offering you any apologies. Manipulations, yes. Apologies, no.

Stop romanticizing a moment that will never materialize. It keep you from truly moving forward.

Quote

In the email a few days ago he talked about how depressed he was and how he hated his job

and none of that is your problem or concern. It has nothing to do with you.

Block his email so he can't send these manipulation bombs until you really are well and truly over him to the point of indifference.

Quote

He's not a horrible person

and stop making excuses for him.  He doesn't have to be a horrible person to not take ownership and responsibility for the pain he caused you and apologize for it, but that still doesn't mean he is entitled to an audience from you.

Edited March 7, 2020 by kendahke

[thecrucible]

Thanks @kendahke. I just can't stop blaming myself and thinking I should have tried harder especially when he tells me all this stuff about how depressed he is. 

It's hard to trust men or feel that I am not asking too much. 

Edited March 7, 2020 by thecrucible

[kendahke]

2 minutes ago, thecrucible said:

Thanks @kendahke. I just can't stop blaming myself and thinking I should have tried harder especially when he tells me all this stuff about how depressed he is. 

does he care how much his no apology policy has hurt you?

[thecrucible]

@kendahke - When we discussed this while together, he told me he'd apologised but I just hadn't paid attention...but I discounted those times because his behaviour didn't change after making the apology...or I would have to nag him to do it. He didn't like apologising because he told me I wanted him to just so I could win. 

[kendahke]

2 minutes ago, thecrucible said:

he told me I wanted him to just so I could win

and that right there is someone who doesn't care about you. He's here to play games. You are an emotional adversary, not a romantic partner.

It's enough reason to leave him where he stands while you move forward with you life.

[thecrucible]

@kendahkeThanks. My mood seems to vary between recognising him for what he is and only seeing good things. I did reply to his email to say that that's it and the relationship over so the angst has come back because I finally went ahead and did it. I just can't fathom why he would keep coming back into my life if he doesn't care about me. It just doesn't make sense. We were on and off before and I took him back a few times but this time my friends have supported me in this being the final break-up no going back. I just get wobbly from time to time, like tonight. There's a guy I like currently, I don't know if it'll go anywhere but I don't want to inadvertently mess up anything because of what's happened. I keep thinking he'll pull a disappearing act or freak out like the ex did but he has not done that at all.

[kendahke]

1 minute ago, thecrucible said:

I just can't fathom why he would keep coming back into my life if he doesn't care about me. It just doesn't make sense.

he's taking your temperature to see if he can flip you into a FWB

Quote

There's a guy I like currently, I don't know if it'll go anywhere but I don't want to inadvertently mess up anything because of what's happened. I keep thinking he'll pull a disappearing act or freak out like the ex did but he has not done that at all.

Ah ha!! That's why your ex sent the flowers and is playing this game--there's a disturbance in the force.

Give the new guy a chance--he's not your ex, so don't anticipate your ex animating his body and mind.

[thecrucible]

Thanks @kendahke I never even contemplated the FWB thing, maybe a lightbulb will click and I'll start being angry rather than upset. It's hard to know what's going on when a person gets you up and down like that. I know he plays up the nice guy stuff but he's different behind closed doors. I wish I'd seen the signs. The new guy is an old colleague..so I don't know what he's thinking, we do flirt a bit chatting, talk almost everyday since January and he's driving hundreds of miles to see me next weekend. Still I get text anxiety and find it hard being the initiator, again going back to the ex and this control dynamic we had going on.

I really appreciate your replies. It can be really hard sometimes for me to figure out what's going on. The ex doesn't know about this other guy but he did write to me in new year and asked me about whether I met someone else. 

[kendahke]

19 hours ago, thecrucible said:

The ex doesn't know about this other guy but he did write to me in new year and asked me about whether I met someone else. 

Again--that's none of his business. It ceased being his business when he decided he didn't want to be in/work on a relationship with you and instead, would rather play power-control mind games; plus not taking responsibility for the dysfunction he brought into your relationship and laid at your feet to sort.

you don't have to get over it today or tomorrow or by the end of next week, so be patient with yourself. Do something self-affirming because you're worth it.

[thecrucible]

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

Again--that's none of his business. It ceased being his business when he decided he didn't want to be in/work on a relationship with you and instead, would rather play power-control mind games; plus not taking responsibility for the dysfunction he brought into your relationship and laid at your feet to sort.

you don't have to get over it today or tomorrow or by the end of next week, so be patient with yourself. Do something self-affirming because you're worth it.

Thank you. Yeah I've got to be patient with myself. I feel fine when I'm at work - it's the evenings and weekends which can be hard, even now. It's partly 'cause I'm in a new city and I've lived here a year, but I'm adjusting to that change too. The worst feeling is the guilt. I constantly feel guilty - he moved down here closer to me, and I look stuff he bought me and I feel guilty about that too...then he sends me this email and it really aches at my soul. At the same time, I don't know what's real and what isn't with him. I've never been able to fully trust what he says. 

I went out shopping today and bought myself some new things which made me feel a bit better.

[Rainmkr555]

This guy is probably in a lot of pain and hurting and missing you and wanting you badly. And I’m sure he’s sorry for whatever mistakes you feel he’s made.

But simply just ignoring his nice gesture would be unbelievably insensitive and incredibly cruel on YOUR part.

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

This guy is probably in a lot of pain and hurting and missing you and wanting you badly. And I’m sure he’s sorry for whatever mistakes you feel he’s made.

But simply just ignoring his nice gesture would be unbelievably insensitive and incredibly cruel on YOUR part.

Wow! What a projection burger with all the helpings.

When the outcome is going to end up causing you way more harm to your self esteem while you're trying to rebuild it, avoid taking the path. This guy so far has balked every time his "mistakes" have been brought to his attention and turned it into a sick mind-control game. Also he has yet to ante up the apology, which is necessary and the only thing you've asked.

The only pain this guy is in is that he can't manipulate you when he feels like it. Stay the course, OP.

 

[thecrucible]

5 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

This guy is probably in a lot of pain and hurting and missing you and wanting you badly. And I’m sure he’s sorry for whatever mistakes you feel he’s made.

But simply just ignoring his nice gesture would be unbelievably insensitive and incredibly cruel on YOUR part.

I didn’t know the flowers were from him as he left no note. He hasn’t said sorry so I can’t tell if he feels that way or not and that’s what gets to me. 🙁

[thecrucible]

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

Wow! What a projection burger with all the helpings.

When the outcome is going to end up causing you way more harm to your self esteem while you're trying to rebuild it, avoid taking the path. This guy so far has balked every time his "mistakes" have been brought to his attention and turned it into a sick mind-control game. Also he has yet to ante up the apology, which is necessary and the only thing you've asked.

The only pain this guy is in is that he can't manipulate you when he feels like it. Stay the course, OP.

 

The thing is that I’m tempted to outright ask for it but then what is an apology worth if you have to do that? I’ve been debating that in my mind for quite a while now. 😕 

Today and other days have been difficult because of the guilt I’ve been feeling. Also trying not to get too attached to this other guy. I actually am devastated everything went wrong as it feels like apologising is such a simple thing to do.