Ex sent me flowers on Valentines Day

[thecrucible]

@kendahke - my ex has sent me another email. He says he has been so depressed his family has intervened and sent him to therapy. Still no acknowledgement of how hurt I was. He doesn’t understand why I broke up with him after our first therapy session. It was because of that letter he wrote to me about me having a bad attitude and not liking what I said in the session which made me feel I was being censored. He says he does see a future for us. This confuses me as he was the one who’d suggest us breaking up every time we had an argument. So confused now 😕 

[Realitysux]

On 2/16/2020 at 6:55 PM, thecrucible said:

I got flowers from who I think was my ex on Valentines Day. No tag or anything. Now the buzz has worn off and I realise they are probably from him and I don’t know what to do. I think contacting him would open a whole can of worms but it seems impolite to ignore it. I don’t want him back and I’ve started liking other guys though I’m not seeing anyone. However it’s still got me into a tizzy and made me feel guilty. 

He didn't sign the letter so there is no obligation to reach out. 

[kendahke]

On 3/8/2020 at 8:26 PM, thecrucible said:

@kendahke - my ex has sent me another email. He says he has been so depressed his family has intervened and sent him to therapy. Still no acknowledgement of how hurt I was. He doesn’t understand why I broke up with him after our first therapy session. It was because of that letter he wrote to me about me having a bad attitude and not liking what I said in the session which made me feel I was being censored. He says he does see a future for us. This confuses me as he was the one who’d suggest us breaking up every time we had an argument. So confused now 😕 

Pride goes before destruction...

But still no apology, so consider this as him taking your temperature to see if he can talk you back without acknowledging that he hurt you and atones for it.

He's a grown man; he can figure it out. Let him sit with his sad feelings; plus the therapy will do him good. He needs to be in it for at least 6 months before you give any consideration to what he has to say. This isn't some "go walk it off" stuff.

[thecrucible]

On 3/10/2020 at 5:13 PM, kendahke said:

Pride goes before destruction...

But still no apology, so consider this as him taking your temperature to see if he can talk you back without acknowledging that he hurt you and atones for it.

He's a grown man; he can figure it out. Let him sit with his sad feelings; plus the therapy will do him good. He needs to be in it for at least 6 months before you give any consideration to what he has to say. This isn't some "go walk it off" stuff.

Thank you. Who knows where I’ll be in six months? I might have moved on, or not. But it’s better being by myself as at least I know what’s going on. He complained in the email that I broke up with him after our therapy session and he didn’t expect it. However after this therapy session we had a row and he clearly said he wanted to break up. The selective memory gets me so confused. 

[spiderowl]

I think it’s really hard if you wanted a relationship to work out but it didn’t because of the other’s behaviour. It seems so obvious ... if only they would apologise/see the error of their ways/stop saying the same hurtful thing that you’ve already warned them about ... but they don’t. It’s a feeling of powerlessness. You can’t change him though and he may be incapable of changing himself.

This is not to imply you are blameless or vice versa, just that you cannot control his hurtful behaviour and he seems unwilling to. It is difficult to give up on something that could have worked, if only ...

Edited March 11, 2020 by spiderowl

[thecrucible]

@spiderowl - thank you. You hit the nail on the head there. That’s the root cause of my angst - the choice to leave and decide it can’t be improved is a really hard thing to do. 🙁 I sometimes question it but I do want him to come forward with some awareness of how he’s hurt me. 

[kendahke]

18 hours ago, thecrucible said:

sometimes question it but I do want him to come forward with some awareness of how he’s hurt me. 

Quote

He said "Perhaps I should have done the easy thing and begged you for forgiveness...but I would be letting myself down if I didn't give voice to the hurt and pain you caused me".

Crucible, he's more than well aware of the pain he's caused you. He just doesn't think you're worth an apology.

And even if you did apologize, there is no guarantee that he would accept it on its face and/or reciprocate.

The him "you wished he would be" isn't the him "that is who/what he is". That guy who would exercise a more than scintilla of awareness for the hurt he's caused without attaching conditions doesn't exist.

[thecrucible]

@kendahke - yes I’m not going to apologise as I’d want him to come to me with some sense of remorse. It’s great having your advice as it’s so hard to get someone to see my position. I feel I’m being portrayed as the bad guy. Just had a male friend tell me he’s only saying this stuff for effect and doesn’t necessarily show true feeling. There will be a point when reality hits and I’ll know how I’ve been used or taken advantage of, I don’t feel like that now though friends have suggested I have been. 

[thecrucible]

UPDATE

I’ve realised that this almost three year relationship has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. Before I met him, I did have my worries but my sense of confidence in who I am was intact. I wasn’t paranoid about myself nor did I internalise everything that happened as my fault. I don’t recognise who I am now compared to who I was before. 

I think it has an impact on how I come across to men now and just makes me feel vulnerable. It really sucks. Perhaps I need to take an indefinite hiatus from dating until I feel like me again? Whenever that will be...

Dealing with the aftermath of this breakup has been really hard. I knew when I chose to break up with him that I couldn’t just walk out of my front door and find another man just like that. However it also feels like there’s no hope on the horizon 😕 

Has anyone been in a similar situation when you feel like you’ve broken up with ‘the one’ or close to it? How did you get back to where you were before? 

[thecrucible]

On 3/13/2020 at 5:59 PM, kendahke said:

The him "you wished he would be" isn't the him "that is who/what he is". That guy who would exercise a more than scintilla of awareness for the hurt he's caused without attaching conditions doesn't exist.

I need to figure out why I do this, why I cling to the potential in men rather than the reality of who they are. I’m ashamed to say that I’m struggling to get my identity back after this. It’s not something I’m conscious of doing and I find it hard to trust myself and my own thoughts about a situation. 

[kendahke]

On 3/13/2020 at 8:24 PM, thecrucible said:

Just had a male friend tell me he’s only saying this stuff for effect and doesn’t necessarily show true feeling.

exactly. It's like the difference between when someone is and isn't grinning by their eyes and facial expressions.

1 hour ago, thecrucible said:

Has anyone been in a similar situation when you feel like you’ve broken up with ‘the one’ or close to it? How did you get back to where you were before? 

Yes. Therapy and lots of time working on me.

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, thecrucible said:

I find it hard to trust myself and my own thoughts about a situation.

why do you think that is?

[thecrucible]

@kendahke - I'm not sure but I feel really confused. I would complain about things he said which hurt me and he would sometimes say "I didn't say that" even though I know he did and it would make me doubt myself. So I suppose I got used to it being like that with him. I have a mental health condition (Anxiety) so it's easy for me to blame it all on that and dismiss my concerns. But I think ultimately he didn't understand about my Anxiety as I text him once about midnight as I was having a panic attack and said "help me". He didn't even respond and the next day just dismissed it with "Oh I just thought you were drunk". He didn't seem concerned about why I'd sent that text. Sometimes we'd argue and I found it very hurtful while he didn't. So it might get quite heated and he'd tell me to f off a few times. Again, he wouldn't reach out and apologise about that the next day. When I then get these letters from him blaming me for things  not working, it feels like he was in a completely different relationship to the one I was in. 

[thecrucible]

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

exactly. It's like the difference between when someone is and isn't grinning by their eyes and facial expressions.

Yes. Therapy and lots of time working on me.

Yeah I just don't want to go back there. I do get moments where I cry quite a bit. Unfortunately I was in a physically abusive relationship when I was 18 and I really do think that in some ways it's affected every relationship since. It makes me afraid of asserting myself and conflict. I try and practice the assertiveness more everyday but it's hard.

[nodramallama]

It's going to take time to heal, and healing isn't linear.  

I was in a toxic relationship like yours for only a year and it took nearly another year of therapy, self reflection, and not dating to get over his head f*cks.  My ex wasn't a bad guy either, and I made SOOOO many excuses for him because I fell in love with his potential - and not the version he presented in real life.

It all boiled down to raising my self esteem which enabled me to raise my bar.  The only way I could do that, though, was by cutting him out of my life everywhere.  Blocked and deleted everywhere.  He threw me some breadcrumbs (they always find a way to reach out even when blocked), like your ex is doing, but I deleted them right away.

He doesn't miss you, per se, he misses how good you made him feel about himself.  That's why he's "so depressed" - he only wants you as an emotional tampon. 

Know your worth, and don't forget to add tax.  

[thecrucible]

@nodramallama - thank you so much, it’s so nice to hear from someone else who understands. I’m sorry for what you went through but glad you found the way out. 

Since we’ve been in lockdown, he contacted me again and on the advice of my therapist I sent him a message to ask him not to contact me again (my therapist thought I wasn’t clear enough) and he replied “I understand but...” saying it’s different now because of Coronavirus. That’s brought my mood down yet again :/. 
 

I joined a dating site last night to stick my toe in the water but I’ll have to keep checking how I feel and whether it’s for me. 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, thecrucible said:

“I understand but...”

translation: "I don't care what you need-- I only care about what I want".

When you get a chance, go on IG and check out "awardsforgoodboys"

Edited April 3, 2020 by kendahke

[thecrucible]

@kendahke I went to check out that Instagram account and in a way it does remind me of him. Sometimes in an argument he’d bring up unrelated deeds he’d done as if they scored points for him in an argument, though they had nothing to do with whatever I was trying to ask. It made me feel like I was hitting my head against a brick wall and also hurt cause it felt like taking meaning away from those deeds. 
 

I went on my walk yesterday and decided again not to reply to his contact because there are so many variables. Spoke to my mother about the fact I want an apology and she says “does he know that you want one?”. But on reflection I don’t want that dynamic where I have to show him how to treat me. That feels wrong. 

[thecrucible]

Another thing happened. A friend told I’m too stubborn and if I’m not careful I’ll end up alone because all men will be a bit like him.  

[thecrucible]

@kendahke - I cracked and contacted him to ask why he sent the last message. Why? Sorry to report this to you... 

but he just confirmed that his latest missive was because he was lonely while self-isolating, “if you want to talk, then let’s talk but otherwise neither of us need the emotional turmoil”. That confuses me because he was the one contacting me and I gave him an opening to say something albeit I had just told him not to contact me (but he reinitiated contact). 

I dislike men right now. Sorry to the whole male race

[kendahke]

On 4/4/2020 at 10:17 AM, thecrucible said:

Another thing happened. A friend told I’m too stubborn and if I’m not careful I’ll end up alone because all men will be a bit like him.  

Remove that friend from your life. They mean you no good.

That's a lie they're telling you. No, you won't end up alone.  You will learn to discern better by not allowing BS in your life--and quite frankly, it's better to be alone than to be emotionally beaten into the ground  on a daily basis just so you can say 'I got a man".

You are not too stubborn and no, all men are not like him. Maybe the ones she deals with because, as Bruce Springsteen wrote: "you have to learn to live with what you can't rise above..."

Edited April 5, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

19 hours ago, thecrucible said:

but he just confirmed that his latest missive was because he was lonely while self-isolating, “if you want to talk, then let’s talk but otherwise neither of us need the emotional turmoil”. That confuses me because he was the one contacting me and I gave him an opening to say something albeit I had just told him not to contact me (but he reinitiated contact). 

This was probably what he's been wanting to say to you when he initially sent that text to you. The conversation would have turned in this direction before you hung up the phone. He wasn't lonely while self isolating--he was ruminating on the fact that you won't let him keep to his usual path with you. But he's right: you don't need his emotional turmoil. Let that keep him company during self isolation.

Can he go on block today?  It would do you a whole lot of good.

Try not to hate all men. They are all not like this at all... but you will keep attracting men with this character trait if you don't learn how to stop giving them the audience that ends up keeping you mired in their emotional mess.

Edited April 5, 2020 by kendahke

[nodramallama]

On 4/4/2020 at 10:17 AM, thecrucible said:

Another thing happened. A friend told I’m too stubborn and if I’m not careful I’ll end up alone because all men will be a bit like him.  

False!  On both accounts.

That person is NOT your friend, either.  

[thecrucible]

On 4/5/2020 at 5:41 PM, kendahke said:

This was probably what he's been wanting to say to you when he initially sent that text to you. The conversation would have turned in this direction before you hung up the phone. He wasn't lonely while self isolating--he was ruminating on the fact that you won't let him keep to his usual path with you. But he's right: you don't need his emotional turmoil. Let that keep him company during self isolation.

Can he go on block today?  It would do you a whole lot of good.

Try not to hate all men. They are all not like this at all... but you will keep attracting men with this character trait if you don't learn how to stop giving them the audience that ends up keeping you mired in their emotional mess.

Thank you. I really need to put him on block everywhere. I’ve left the door ajar and I don’t know why. 
 

When he sends me messages saying how depressed he is and can’t be happy without the relationship, it just feels like too much pressure and makes me want to run away. It also feels quite jarring because I tried to raise these issues numerous times when I was with him because I knew they were affecting how I felt. He didn’t see fit to do anything about it until it was too late. 
I have stopped crying now. My therapist told me that me wanting him to apologise is an unhealthy belief because it’s an expectation I’m putting on him and we can’t put expectations on others to behave a certain way. That’s why I didn’t want to make him and hoped he would do it of his accord. My therapist did also say though that if it’s a case of it being a value I can’t put to one side, then it’s not going to work - basically you live with how he is, or get out. 
 

Now the ex said to me he’s not psychic and doesn’t understand what I would want him to do, that his sending me flowers etc was a sign of contrition on his part. I have been stronger since and I haven’t replied. 
 

I’ve realised that it’s been a combination of factors of me not feeling heard, even him not keeping word over minor things that has worn down my trust over time. There’s not really much you can do. I question because those little things are important to me. He could buy me a hundred bouquets of flowers but it would make no difference for the lack of respect I feel from him for my feelings. 

[thecrucible]

On 4/6/2020 at 12:26 PM, nodramallama said:

False!  On both accounts.

That person is NOT your friend, either.  

Thank you. I’m just questioning myself because I know I am not laid back like some women are. There are things I want from a relationship that I sometimes feel no man is willing or able to give. 
When people call me stubborn, it touches a nerve. I love my mum but she puts up with things my dad  says or does without apologies and has moaned to me about it since I was a teenager. It’s made me wary about ending up in a similar situation. 
 

I feel I never had both feet in with this relationship and I don’t know if that’s my fault or whether he just wouldn’t let me get close enough, To me, tackling problems head on and fighting fairly, makes me feel much safer around a man.