Ex sent me flowers on Valentines Day

[thecrucible]

I managed to talk to my therapist about this. He sent me another email and I managed to delete it - big step for me. I only didn’t block him cause I didn’t know how without reading the email. I don’t know what it said but I think he was angry that I hadn’t replied to the last one. 

I don’t doubt there was love there but his love is kind of scary for me. I don’t know if I’m the one with the problem though. The way he expresses things makes me feel I’m the one who’d have to submit to him to go forward. 

I also managed to put stuff from him in a box. It was another big step for me as I couldn’t bear to look at it before. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op I see that I’m a bit late to the party here but I had to reply. 
 

I’m the queen of being in toxic relationships so I like to think I know a little about this. I’ve got a few words of advice that I hope will help: 

1) An apology is worth nothing if there is no meaning or sincerity behind it. My ex’s would always “apologise” but it meant nothing. If a person is really “sorry” they would a) demonstrate some level of understanding into the level of pain/ hurt they’ve caused another, b) they would stop engaging in the behaviour that causes the pain. You ex can do neither. 
 

2) What your friend said is potentially dangerous. Everyone should have the basic standards that they are to be treated with value, love and respect in an intimate relationship. You had every right and justification to leave your ex. Never lower your standards just to be with someone. 
 

3) There is no evidence to suggest your ex has changed. He’s breadcrumbing you to see if he can hook you back into the toxic relationship so he can treat you pretty much the same way as he did before. It feeds his ego and helps his “depression”. He’s not thinking of you, he’s thinking of himself. Be careful you don’t get sucked back in by his desire for your pity. He wants you to feel guilty as he knows you’re empathic. Don’t fall for it. 
 

Bottom line: I think you should stay away from him and move towards finding yourself a better partner.
 

I hope that helps 
 

 

 

 

[thecrucible]

@Calmandfocused - thank you so much. That really helped. He contacted me again last week (found me on WhatsApp) to say he’s heartbroken it hadn’t worked out. 
 

I’m seeing a therapist and have been unpacking my beliefs about love. I mentioned how much it hurt that he didn’t always do what he said he would. And I worked out from my therapist that a man can still love me without always sticking to his word. Mind blown. I now feel that there are times I made him feel insecure by imposing high standards on him. In fact I see all my past relationships with clarity about how I have made men feel, unknowingly. I could have shown him more love and care for instance. However with a lot of what happened, I just got into fight or flight mode. 
 

I don’t know what to think about this now. I’m not going to go back to him but I’m thinking about how everything went wrong and how I could have salvaged it. Why am I giving myself so much responsibility? 

[Calmandfocused]

Sorry it’s took me ages to reply again. 
 

It is true that it wouldn’t have been 100% his fault for the breakdown of the relationship. If there are learning points that you can take away from this then great. However that doesn’t mean you should shoulder responsibility for things that wasn’t your fault. And it certainly doesn’t mean you should get back with him! 
 

I don’t know the detailed intricacies of your relationship, however if your ex was untrustworthy or didn’t keel his promises on a regular basis that is a huge red flag. 
 

There is nothing wrong with having standards and expectations as long as they aren’t unrealistic. 
 

To a certain degree I disagree with your therapist. Love means wanting the best for your partner and doing the best you can with their best intentions at heart. Did you ex do that? Doesn’t sound like it? 

[kendahke]

On 5/5/2020 at 7:13 AM, thecrucible said:

And I worked out from my therapist that a man can still love me without always sticking to his word. Mind blown.

Your therapist isn't hearing you.

However, when he's been made aware of how this action is hurting you, it's on him to come correct if he "loves" you. Your feelings count as much as his do and you're not obligated to strangle yours to assuage his.

There's also a saying: you can be sincere and be sincerely wrong. Put that one in your therapist's ear because what they said to you above is them trying to coax you back into a situation that caused you emotional pain.

[thecrucible]

@kendahke - I think the therapist is on my side but is saying that I can look at it in a logical rather than emotional way. So the fact is lack of respect more than anything else. And you are so right. I ought not to beat myself up anymore and assume I wasn’t explicit enough about my feelings. 
 

After I posted that, I ended up thinking of something else which upset me. I told him I wanted to have children by my mid-thirties but he told me I was freaking out for no reason as his friends’ wives had them in late thirties or early forties. Of course I know that logically this is possible but I didn’t want to put myself at the mercy of time like that especially just because it was something he was insisting. Although later on he said he’d changed his mind, I couldn’t let go of what he’d said before. I don’t want to end up in this situation again where I waste years before learning life goals are incompatible. I don’t really know how I’d find out where a new guy stands on this once I start dating someone else.