JMartin Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) I am new to this site. I recently reconnected with an old friend that I haven’t seen in 7 years. We had her over a few times for dinner and for our children to play together. I find out a few weeks ago that she and my husband have been texting. Which seems like no big deal besides that my husband deleted them because he knew it would bother me. Well when I found out a few weeks ago my husband and I had a heart to heart and he promised me that he wouldn’t respond to her anymore. Remind you before this my husband has never lied to me or broke a promise to me. Well two weeks later he forgot his phone in my car and I seen just one text from her saying lol. We talked again and he said he told her that it bothered me but they continued texting. She never once called or texted me to find out why it bothered me. I am at a total loss. I don’t know what to do. I definitely don’t think my husband had any intentions on infidelity. But I don’t see why she needs to text my husband and for that matter that he needs to respond to her. Before this women came back into my life a little less then two months ago we didn’t have any issues like this. I don’t trust my husband at all now and that is really hard on me because he is the one person I never doubted or thought would hurt me. Any advice would be appreciated. Edited February 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 I'm saying this gingerly and with all respect, keep an open mind. You only know what you know, so as far as you know, your husbands never lied or broke a promise. I can only imagine how hard it is on you, because you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't, as far as trusting your husband goes. I was in a situation with what would end up being my now exH and what was my ex best friend in the world! The fact that she's never reached out to you ,about why she texted your husband, should be quite telling to you. The fact that you'd not know about their corresponding, had you not discovered their text is very telling to myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 I can't imagine ever secretly texting a friend's husband. Did your husband perhaps know this women from way back? I see no reason for this clandestine texting apart from an affair or an emerging affair. Sorry... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMartin Posted February 17, 2020 Author Share Posted February 17, 2020 No he only knew her because she was an old friend of mine. He did meet her years ago but through me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Unless they are planning a surprise party for you there is no need for secrecy. I have had "secret" texts with friends' husbands to execute such plans. lol If there is nothing going on tell him you want to read all the messages. Hopefully it's nothing but the secrecy is bad & him breaking his promise to stop is worse. I would also tell her in no uncertain terms to back off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 What are you waiting to tell her to back off? This is 100% inappropriate on both their part. I'd tell my husband to quit this immediately otherwise I pack his stuff and UPS it to her address. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) Maybe they are planning a surprise for you? Hahaha? Hah....ah... No that’s very suspicious. Very suspicious indeed Edited February 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 It might sound a bit lame at this point but he might feel he has to respond to her text because you are friends with her. Tell him she is no longer a friend and that you will have nothing to do with her in the future and you expect him to feel the same and to act accordingly. Don't try to finesse this situation. Just be blunt about it. He has to understand how upset you are. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 One thing is clear. This woman has absolutely no respect for you. She feels it's okay to still text your husband knowing you're not okay with it. You need to have a talk with her and tell your husband not to ever text her back again. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 23 hours ago, skywriter said: The fact that she's never reached out to you ,about why she texted your husband, should be quite telling to you. The fact that you'd not know about their corresponding, had you not discovered their text is very telling to myself. When you talk to this woman ask her why is she texting your husband instead of you since you two were the friends, and not your husband. Ask her why she felt so close to him to text him behind your back. Don't let her off the hook. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 30 minutes ago, stillafool said: When you talk to this woman ask her why is she texting your husband instead of you since you two were the friends, and not your husband. Ask her why she felt so close to him to text him behind your back. Don't let her off the hook. if this OW is in a relationship then tell her BH/BF 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 JMartin, If I were you, at the very least, I'd let the both of them, (particularly my spouse) know, that it isn't the texting between them that is upsetting, as it is the secrecy. The secrecy causes you to fill in the blanks, the whys, of it. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You expect more from the person you love. I actually discussed this with my boyfriend to get a male perspective and he just looked down at the floor and shook his head. Then he said to me, "Remember when my ex fiance called me?" "What did I do?" He walked into the room where I was, and sat down beside me, so I could hear their exchange. He didn't have to and I'd have never been the wiser. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 On 2/17/2020 at 9:13 AM, JMartin said: We had her over a few times for dinner and for our children to play together. I find out a few weeks ago that she and my husband have been texting. The texting would make me suspicious that there was flirting going on between them, behind your back, when she was over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMartin Posted February 18, 2020 Author Share Posted February 18, 2020 7 hours ago, oldtruck said: if this OW is in a relationship then tell her BH/BF No she is single.😞 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 JMartin, I hope you are doing alright, taking care of yourself. I know stress can do a number on a person. Maybe this place will be a place you can vent and figure things out a bit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMartin Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 49 minutes ago, skywriter said: JMartin, I hope you are doing alright, taking care of yourself. I know stress can do a number on a person. Maybe this place will be a place you can vent and figure things out a bit. I am taking it day by day. This has had me on an emotional roller coaster. I’m not eating or sleeping well. We do have an appointment with a counselor but not till the end of the month. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 Have you asked your husband to not reply back to her messages yet? Are you going to talk to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMartin Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 He hasn’t talked to her since I found out. I don’t want anything to do with her. If she doesn’t realize that she should not be texting someone else’s husband I have no use for her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 I'm glad you are not speaking to her. She is not important enough to warrant a second thought by you. I am also glad you are going to counseling with your husband. Hang in there until the end of the month. Your husband needs to understand that he betrayed your trust, and now he'll have to work to earn back your trust. She may have been the one with ulterior motive and he was just enjoying the attention, but did not take it any further, I hope. If he has never given you a reason to question his loyalty before, I hope the two of you can work through this and let it be barely a blip on the radar a year from now. Focus your energy on your relationship with your husband. Hopefully, he will communicate what was happening and why he felt it was okay to text this woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 On 2/17/2020 at 6:13 AM, JMartin said: I am new to this site. I recently reconnected with an old friend that I haven’t seen in 7 years. We had her over a few times for dinner and for our children to play together. I find out a few weeks ago that she and my husband have been texting. Which seems like no big deal besides that my husband deleted them because he knew it would bother me. Well when I found out a few weeks ago my husband and I had a heart to heart and he promised me that he wouldn’t respond to her anymore. Remind you before this my husband has never lied to me or broke a promise to me. Well two weeks later he forgot his phone in my car and I seen just one text from her saying lol. We talked again and he said he told her that it bothered me but they continued texting. She never once called or texted me to find out why it bothered me. I am at a total loss. I don’t know what to do. I definitely don’t think my husband had any intentions on infidelity. But I don’t see why she needs to text my husband and for that matter that he needs to respond to her. Before this women came back into my life a little less then two months ago we didn’t have any issues like this. I don’t trust my husband at all now and that is really hard on me because he is the one person I never doubted or thought would hurt me. Any advice would be appreciated. He lied and betrayed you purposely. i don’t think it’s your “friend” you should be concerned with - it’s your H betrayal that should be alarming. Now you know he’s capable of hiding lies from you. what do you plan to do? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 5 hours ago, JMartin said: I am taking it day by day. This has had me on an emotional roller coaster. I’m not eating or sleeping well. We do have an appointment with a counselor but not till the end of the month. Is your husband going with you to the appt? HE is the one who needs to be accountable for what HE caused. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 This woman is no friend, as you realize. But your husband is the bigger problem. He is the one who took vows to you. He isn't behaving in a way that protects the integrity of your marriage. It is suspicious that he deleted her texts and continued to communicate with her knowing you were uncomfortable with it. I think you have just discovered there is a crack forming in your marriage that you hadn't detected before. It's good that it's coming to light now, yes. But his actions here and their underlying causes need to be addressed before that crack gets any wider and deeper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) What’s your plan? without consequences get will surely do it again. Edited February 19, 2020 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMartin Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 4 hours ago, S2B said: Is your husband going with you to the appt? HE is the one who needs to be accountable for what HE caused. Yes he is going. I hope that we can eventually get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 It’s for HIM to repair the damage HE caused to you. its not your responsibility to fix what he ruined. if he can’t earn your trust back - then he isn’t doing the necessary work. Link to post Share on other sites
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