This Door Can't be Left Ajar

[Lady Cathryn]

Totally agree about lies of omission, 2BG. I am very straightforward. When I broke up with my husband years ago I didn't dance around the whole thing, I have direct conversations. He was a great guy, we just weren't wanting the same things in life. Yes it was painful, but It was best to let him go. He got remarried to someone better suited and I was happy for him.

The more i ponder this dumbass affair relationship i had for almost four years the more i realize he was NEVER truly honest. IF it is indeed true that he sleeps in his own room and his marriage is a mess, i often wonder what his wife's side of the story is. Maybe he's emotionally abusive to her, maybe he disregards her feelings as he did mine, maybe he ignores her needs as he did mine, maybe he's manipulative (well duh).

He once told me he had a temper, which is a red flag for me because I can't deal with a man with a temper. I have a very, very long fuse and prefer my partner to be the same. A couple of his texts to me where very abrupt and uncaring as I recall. I wrote it off to work stress. Every time I asked him a direct question he danced around it or pulled the silent treatment. He once told me his birthday and the following year I forgot the exact day and when I asked (like three times) he ignored my question EVERY TIME. WTH?????

I don't know, i just keep running texts and convo's through my head as the dopamine fog is lifting.

[Lady Cathryn]

Better this afternoon but kind of dreading the evening when i'm alone with my thoughts. Got a couple of very supportive texts from a friend which helped.This forum (reading/writing) helps A LOT.

I think it was smart to block him on twitter and lock my account. The sight of his avi (which isn't him, it's an illustration of my perfect dark-haired guy type 😂) gives me hella anxiety. I don't need that. We follow a lot of the same people so he kept popping up on my stream even when i unfollowed him. 

Interesting question ... can you fall in love/lust with an avatar? Sometimes I think I did. That's a crazy thought but ................................the lines of the mind can get cross-wired on social media. Maybe he fell in love with the avi i was using. It was all a goddamn fantasy. A good one yes... but a fantasy nonetheless. Jeezum crow as they say in New England.

[Beca L]

Hi Lady Cathryn,

I totally understand how you feel and I'm sorry for your pain. I wake every day with the same feelings. My AP left his wife after 3 months of us getting together. We work together at a high school. We spent a wonderful year together after he left but then out of the blue he went back to his wife. Since then (2 years ago) I have pretty much been doing the same as you. The push and pull. He has adult children but feels that if he leaves again they will never speak to him. I have finally given up and I'm in NC, 8 weeks so far. It doesn't seem to get any easier but I don't really have a choice. I deserve so much better as do you and the best thing to do is try and continue in NC. I have contemplated telling his wife so many times but at the last minute I decided against it. As others have said on here she took him back after he'd been living with me for over a year so finding out we were still seeing each other probably wouldn't change a thing. I do get so cross some days and like you wish I could slap him across the face. I have to see him every morning in the staff room briefing and I imagine standing up sometimes and telling the whole room what a total s*** he is but I never do. Anyway know that you are not alone and all I can say is you are doing the right thing and it sucks but its for the best. If he is ever to leave her you want it to be because that relationship is over and he sees no future with her. Then once he is single he is then available to start a new relationship with you. Otherwise you could end up with him returning to his wife like my AP did. 

[Lady Cathryn]

oh my gosh Beca, i know how you feel. I was going to call him out on twitter because he's so well-respected in his field. Then I told myself "there is no upside in that for you."

just like when i consider mailing his wife all of our correspondence. i ask myself "what is the upside?" i've already been *in their marriage* enough. I am taking my lumps and walking away. It's hard. I think of him constantly. The first two years anyway. The last two years really kind of sucked with the break up and get back scenario and make up sex.

You are exactly right. If he looks me up one day and I am available we can start on a level playing field. I always said that to him. Yet...i didn't stick with it! I always went back! WTH???

I think Beca you have to TRY and put yourself in a different headspace as I am trying to do. You are far too good to waste any more time. It is such a precious commodity. Working with him makes it hard for you. This same scenario happened to a woman i work with except with an unmarried co-worker. They broke up, she was devastated but stayed strong. Within six months an old BF looked her up and now she is getting married to him! BECAUSE she did NOT look back at the ex. She kept pushing forward.

You can do it Beca!!!!! So can I !!!!  a new door cannot open until the old one is CLOSED for good. Heart and mind.

 

 

[Beca L]

8 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

You can do it Beca!!!!! So can I !!!!  a new door cannot open until the old one is CLOSED for good. Heart and mind.

Thanks, I do hope I can do it. I am definitely not going to contact him but it doesn't mean I am over it. I sometimes think it's fake it until you make it! I don't think I'll ever really be over him. 

 

[Lady Cathryn]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

Thanks, I do hope I can do it. I am definitely not going to contact him but it doesn't mean I am over it. I sometimes think it's fake it until you make it! I don't think I'll ever really be over him. 

 

I keep reminding myself that the universe works to our benefit if you don’t fight it. Your relationship is NOT working. Nor was mine. There’s a plan for each of us if you can surrender to what you know you must do.

Funny story...I was MADLY in love with a guy when I was 22. It was a terrible breakup. So bad I moved to NYC and got on with my life. He somehow found me in NYC not long after I moved. I was in a totally different head. Very busy. I did not want to reconcile. 

I lived many places after NY and now I am back where I grew up and have friends. I ran into this guy who broke my heart and thought ... good lord glad THAT didn’t work out. 😂

trust in yourself, Beca, and what the universe or god or whatever you believe is TRYING to tell you. Set yourself free. Better things are ahead. And at the very least you’ll feel at peace

[Lady Cathryn]

I had a thought that I shared with AP a few weeks ago. I said “what if you are the final icing on building this beautiful cake that is me? What if this turmoil turns me into the very best version of me?”

He, of course, did not reply. Maybe he really does NOT get me at all. 

[Lady Cathryn]

Sorry for blabbing ... this is my safe place right now

[preraph]

Yes, do block him and stay off watching him.  It's only self-torture.  The goal, as I think you already know, is to reach the point where you don't care what he thinks or what he is doing.  Good time to start a new hobby or volunteer effort that gets you out socially.   

[Lady Cathryn]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yes, do block him and stay off watching him.  It's only self-torture.  The goal, as I think you already know, is to reach the point where you don't care what he thinks or what he is doing.  Good time to start a new hobby or volunteer effort that gets you out socially.   

I signed up for karate and kickboxing at a local dojo. Always wanted to study karate. Any motion in any direction other than the one you are in is positive. The right thing to do is so often the HARDEST thing to do.

[Beca L]

36 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

trust in yourself, Beca, and what the universe or god or whatever you believe is TRYING to tell you. Set yourself free. Better things are ahead. And at the very least you’ll feel at peace

On my good days I do say this to myself and I try to be positive and believe that things happen for a reason and that better things are ahead for me. However on my bad days (like the last few days) I struggle to accept that we will never be together again and that I may spend the rest of my life alone. It's tough but like you I have realised by analysing past messages, emails, texts etc that our relationship over the last few years has been all about him. I've been his therapist, emotional life buoy, bit of fun, cake on the side. Anything to get him through his mundane life with her. I'm 52 and still have 3 kids at home so it's difficult to get out and meet new people and obviously my work place is not where I would meet anyone new. But I hope the universe has something good in store for me. I have to believe that.  

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

I signed up for karate and kickboxing at a local dojo. Always wanted to study karate. Any motion in any direction other than the one you are in is positive. The right thing to do is so often the HARDEST thing to do.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Do you have kids still at home ? I will try to get involved in something, like volunteering but I don't have lots of time without the kids so it can be tricky. My son (15) has been suffering from depression which has added another problem into the mix, plus he has exams this summer as well as my daughter so I'm so busy at home. Hopefully this will take my mind of AP but not put me in a position to meet someone. Not sure I'm ready for that anyway. AP broke my heart and as John Mayer sings, I'm still 'In repair' !!!

[preraph]

12 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

I signed up for karate and kickboxing at a local dojo. Always wanted to study karate. Any motion in any direction other than the one you are in is positive. The right thing to do is so often the HARDEST thing to do.

Good! That will keep the stress of it under control. Plus you'll able to kick ass. 

[Beca L]

52 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

I ran into this guy who broke my heart and thought ... good lord glad THAT didn’t work out. 😂

I sometimes think that might happen with AP. When I occasionally look at him in school I also don't understand why I'm so upset about him. He's no oil painting but there is just something about him. Maybe it's because he's not available....forever chasing something I can't have or is it because he rejected me. I don't know, but something has kept me hanging on. I actually hate feeling like this and wish it would just end. People say it's down to me and only I can change what's in my head. I try, I really do but it never seems to go away.

[Lady Cathryn]

7 minutes ago, preraph said:

Good! That will keep the stress of it under control. Plus you'll able to kick ass. 

Like a warrior queen 😂

[Lady Cathryn]

6 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I sometimes think that might happen with AP. When I occasionally look at him in school I also don't understand why I'm so upset about him. He's no oil painting but there is just something about him. Maybe it's because he's not available....forever chasing something I can't have or is it because he rejected me. I don't know, but something has kept me hanging on. I actually hate feeling like this and wish it would just end. People say it's down to me and only I can change what's in my head. I try, I really do but it never seems to go away.

I live alone. My daughter is 29 and on her own for years now. Kids make things harder but when I decided divorce was my best option 20 years ago I had a young daughter, a demanding job, 10 acres, two horses, a garden and no help (except my young daughter and I may have worked her a bit hard yet she loves me for that 😄) you can DO THIS. This man is not adding to your life.... he is subtracting your essence

[preraph]

You can't wait for life to give you what you need.  This thread reminded me of a bit of an old poem I wrote about my journey:

 

 

Her life screams through her face
in brief stabs of victory she’s ambushed mercilessly,
taking it down in its prime, the hard way.
Too hungry for opportunistic feeding
She likes ‘em warm and bleeding

[Lady Cathryn]

12 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I sometimes think that might happen with AP. When I occasionally look at him in school I also don't understand why I'm so upset about him. He's no oil painting but there is just something about him. Maybe it's because he's not available....forever chasing something I can't have or is it because he rejected me. I don't know, but something has kept me hanging on. I actually hate feeling like this and wish it would just end. People say it's down to me and only I can change what's in my head. I try, I really do but it never seems to go away.

I cry when I see the goddamn twitter bird ffs. But I finally decided this man is NOT going make me feel *less* any longer. I’m done. And when I’m done there is no looking back.

men always come back to me ... always ... sometimes 20 years later ... when it’s too late. I say “I gave my all, you didn’t want it. Too late now. All the best” 

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

I live alone. My daughter is 29 and on her own for years now. Kids make things harder but when I decided divorce was my best option 20 years ago I had a young daughter, a demanding job, 10 acres, two horses, a garden and no help (except my young daughter and I may have worked her a bit hard yet she loves me for that 😄) you can DO THIS. This man is not adding to your life.... he is subtracting your essence

Gosh you had a lot to take on and were brave getting divorced. My husband and I separated when my youngest was 2. She is 11 now and we've been divorced over 6 years. AP was the only person I have dated or been with in the last 8 years. I really fell for him big time. Have you not had any other serious relationship since your divorce?  I agree that he is not adding to my life. I am strong and I've been through a lot since my divorce so I know I can do it. How do you cope ? What will you do if he tries to start things up again ? 

[Lady Cathryn]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

You can't wait for life to give you what you need.  This thread reminded me of a bit of an old poem I wrote about my journey:

 

 

Her life screams through her face
in brief stabs of victory she’s ambushed mercilessly,
taking it down in its prime, the hard way.
Too hungry for opportunistic feeding
She likes ‘em warm and bleeding

That’s intense from the soul.

I think life (the universe) works WITH you if you can only let go of fear and work with yourself 

 

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

And when I’m done there is no looking back.

men always come back to me ... always ... sometimes 20 years later ... when it’s too late. I say “I gave my all, you didn’t want it. Too late now. All the best” 

Love this. You sound so strong and determined. 

I have a feeling AP will probably come back to me at some point in the future but I like you will say the same. It will be too late then, I will remind him of how I gave my all and he rejected me. It will be his loss. 

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

I think life (the universe) works WITH you if you can only let go of fear and work with yourself 

I agree. Just got to let go of the fear now, that's the hard part. 

[Lady Cathryn]

2 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Gosh you had a lot to take on and were brave getting divorced. My husband and I separated when my youngest was 2. She is 11 now and we've been divorced over 6 years. AP was the only person I have dated or been with in the last 8 years. I really fell for him big time. Have you not had any other serious relationship since your divorce?  I agree that he is not adding to my life. I am strong and I've been through a lot since my divorce so I know I can do it. How do you cope ? What will you do if he tries to start things up again ? 

I can be rather fearless lol. BUT I believe in me and my intuition.

a couple of relationships since my divorce that I broke off. Not good timing or a good fit. This AP got my heart all awhirl which made it hard for me. Very few men in my life capture my heart. AP and I have gone through the starting it up again. I just finally had it. I was sick and tired of the emotional turmoil. The waiting and the wanting. If he wants me he can come find me. 

but aside from that you are strong. the first step is the hardest. make a stand within yourself. time is not to be wasted 

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

I was sick and tired of the emotional turmoil. The waiting and the wanting. If he wants me he can come find me. 

That is exactly how I feel, there was so much drama and I was sick of it. It was all about him and her, he wasn't there for me in any sense of the word. I guess the reason it has taken me 2 years to finally give up is that I actually had him for 12 months, we were a couple and he was good and kind to me then. He was loving and caring and I can't forget those 12 months. We were practically living together, we went on holiday, we met each others families. He spent time with my children, cooked for them, cared for them. Then one day he just walked away and din't come back. That really hurt.

Yes, the wanting and waiting is over. I'm moving on and so glad you are too. We deserve so much better. 

[preraph]

21 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

That’s intense from the soul.

I think life (the universe) works WITH you if you can only let go of fear and work with yourself 

 

Yes, I think the universe rewards momentum. The times when I've had the most amazing things happen when I was being very proactive about following my path. There were times when it felt like things did align to help get me there.