Author Lady Cathryn Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 4 minutes ago, Beca L said: That is exactly how I feel, there was so much drama and I was sick of it. It was all about him and her, he wasn't there for me in any sense of the word. I guess the reason it has taken me 2 years to finally give up is that I actually had him for 12 months, we were a couple and he was good and kind to me then. He was loving and caring and I can't forget those 12 months. We were practically living together, we went on holiday, we met each others families. He spent time with my children, cooked for them, cared for them. Then one day he just walked away and din't come back. That really hurt. Yes, the wanting and waiting is over. I'm moving on and so glad you are too. We deserve so much better. The thing about life is ... it’s a river. You and he tried. You gave it your all. You have a beautiful heart but there’s nothing left to give. You MAY end up together one day but that is unknown. You MAY meet the perfect person. You MAY die tomorrow. We don’t know. Peace within is the most important thing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady Cathryn Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 26 minutes ago, Beca L said: Love this. You sound so strong and determined. I have a feeling AP will probably come back to me at some point in the future but I like you will say the same. It will be too late then, I will remind him of how I gave my all and he rejected me. It will be his loss. and I believe it will be your gain 💖 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said: The thing about life is ... it’s a river. You and he tried. You gave it your all. You have a beautiful heart but there’s nothing left to give. You MAY end up together one day but that is unknown. You MAY meet the perfect person. You MAY die tomorrow. We don’t know. Peace within is the most important thing Such lovely words and true, I did give it my all. I'm trying to be at peace. Hope you are feeling better about things, you sound like you are determined to move forward. We can all help each other along the way, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady Cathryn Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 19 minutes ago, Beca L said: Such lovely words and true, I did give it my all. I'm trying to be at peace. Hope you are feeling better about things, you sound like you are determined to move forward. We can all help each other along the way, I find that abstaining from where he and I met helps greatly. You don’t have that option. You’ll have to somehow block and lock in your mind. I have faith in you. Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 I feel your pain so strongly as I went thru similar emotions. At this point I have no desire to stay in contact with my MM. I totally ignore and he is supremely hurt. I found that all that hurt you go thru actually makes you so strong in the end. The hurt, anger, loneliness, tears turn into looking at myself and what is lacking in me to accept this treatment for so long. Sure I cuss him out but the fact remains I knew he was married but i still remained at his beck & call. I tried focusing on how terrible he was for using me. But ultimately it was my choice to stay. I went thru months of self hate which did not help me heal. I joined a group of women who experienced the same. We explore our childhood roots and strategies to value our self worth. You sound like such a strong intelligent woman who values herself. I doubt you will get involved with a MM again. The grieving is horrible. I hope it passes soon. . Link to post Share on other sites
Difficultstuff Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 8 hours ago, Lady Cathryn said: Self-punitive absolutely. Well said. Also known as “beating myself up” which my Dad used to tell me that I am so good at. People here truly do understand. I’m glad you got away (relatively) unscathed but the waking up rough ... you’re still processing it all I think. On 'stop beating yourself up' - I've heard this and its variants often over many years. I've said it too. Sometimes it's seemed very genuine and empathetic. Sometimes it's seemed like a last resort of people unable to process or hear the degree of pain I've been. And maybe I've been that person in regard to others. Reading your other posts, I also tend to believe the universe helps us when we listen to it - or at least works in ways and at levels that we can't really comprehend in order for us to change. Though that's hard to believe not just in my own terms but also when I look at others suffering from traumas so much more serious than mine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 12 hours ago, Lady Cathryn said: Sorry for blabbing ... this is my safe place right now I totally understand. This has been my safe place for a little over a year now. (Even if my ex watches my posts) Anyway... you sound just like a friend of mine. I totally understand that maybe your life wasn't good... but you got tied up with someone who wasn't available. So you really can't be mad at him. He may like you... but he still likes his wife. So, he is just as confused, and emotionally "Not happy" with the situation. Besides... if you tell his wife, and they get divorced... that doesn't mean he will come to you after. Honestly... I would be upset, and you would be out of the picture too. I know that doesn't help... but just try to be calm, and contact a friend to get out, so you don't have to be at home alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: So you really can't be mad at him. He may like you... but he still likes his wife. So, he is just as confused, and emotionally "Not happy" with the situation. Besides... if you tell his wife, and they get divorced... that doesn't mean he will come to you after. Honestly... I would be upset, and you would be out of the picture too. I couldn't agree more. I think he sounds very similar to my AP. He is always saying how confused he is, he wants to leave to be with me but it's a big risk. 30+ years of marriage over and then what if it doesn't work out with me, so they are stuck. However that doesn't mean I condone these WS for involving another person in to their sorry mess of a marriage etc. If you can't see a future with you spouse you should separate, divorce and then look for someone new. It's like they need a back up plan or someone on the back burner. I'm sick of being his back up plan. I'm walking away and trying not to look back. Hopefully we can do this together Lady Cathryn. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 On 2/17/2020 at 3:18 PM, Lady Cathryn said: He said he was at his fishing "camp" (which is nicer than any house i have owned!) it was his second home which was on a lake. Interesting how he said he was fishing, as that I guess is exactly what he was doing with that DM... He loaded up the bait, he gave you a glimpse into his life with his beautiful second home and you were hooked. You could see yourself there, long lazy summer days and amazing sunsets/sunrises over the lake... He sold you a dream... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady Cathryn Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 5 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: I totally understand. This has been my safe place for a little over a year now. (Even if my ex watches my posts) Anyway... you sound just like a friend of mine. I totally understand that maybe your life wasn't good... but you got tied up with someone who wasn't available. So you really can't be mad at him. He may like you... but he still likes his wife. So, he is just as confused, and emotionally "Not happy" with the situation. Besides... if you tell his wife, and they get divorced... that doesn't mean he will come to you after. Honestly... I would be upset, and you would be out of the picture too. I know that doesn't help... but just try to be calm, and contact a friend to get out, so you don't have to be at home alone. that's it in a nutshell. there is no upside left. and there is certainly no upside in telling his wife. i just want to walk away with what little shreds of dignity i have left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady Cathryn Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 2 hours ago, Beca L said: I couldn't agree more. I think he sounds very similar to my AP. He is always saying how confused he is, he wants to leave to be with me but it's a big risk. 30+ years of marriage over and then what if it doesn't work out with me, so they are stuck. However that doesn't mean I condone these WS for involving another person in to their sorry mess of a marriage etc. If you can't see a future with you spouse you should separate, divorce and then look for someone new. It's like they need a back up plan or someone on the back burner. I'm sick of being his back up plan. I'm walking away and trying not to look back. Hopefully we can do this together Lady Cathryn. I said that to him so often. That I wanted him free and clear and divorced and having processed the divorce. Chances of that are slim to none. We CAN do this together! There are other people who are better for us. Who uplift and support not just show up when it's convenient for them. I want all in or all out. Not someone who tries to straddle fences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady Cathryn Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 5 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: I totally understand. This has been my safe place for a little over a year now. (Even if my ex watches my posts) Anyway... you sound just like a friend of mine. I totally understand that maybe your life wasn't good... but you got tied up with someone who wasn't available. So you really can't be mad at him. He may like you... but he still likes his wife. So, he is just as confused, and emotionally "Not happy" with the situation. Besides... if you tell his wife, and they get divorced... that doesn't mean he will come to you after. Honestly... I would be upset, and you would be out of the picture too. I know that doesn't help... but just try to be calm, and contact a friend to get out, so you don't have to be at home alone. Yes, it does not mean he'd come after me. I once told him if he DID get divorced he'd have a ton of women to choose from who are much younger than me! That he'd need at least a year alone to get his head together. He's not remotely poor and ultimately a good guy. Just a very confused guy. I'm ok being alone. I've lived alone a lot in my lifetime. I'm rather a hermit by nature lol. I do reach out to friends when i'm having a meltdown though. my poor friends are sick of me talking about this! I'm only mad that he wasn't totally honest. He was disingenuous. That is what pisses me off. I deserve honesty. Sigh .... i'll get over it. I keep thinking the NEXT guy i meet (haha if ever) will have all this benefit of a more enlightened me to offer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady Cathryn Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Interesting how he said he was fishing, as that I guess is exactly what he was doing with that DM... He loaded up the bait, he gave you a glimpse into his life with his beautiful second home and you were hooked. You could see yourself there, long lazy summer days and amazing sunsets/sunrises over the lake... He sold you a dream... that's the truth. the lake the fireplace the lazy days making love. he wanted to take me to the Tetons. it was all a lie. one of the reasons i stay away from twitter and blocked him is that i see him chatting up other intelligent women with an interest in finance who are single. maybe he figures it worked once...why not try again with someone new? ugh. i can't even contemplate that. but ya know? i once said to him if you want "no strings attached" why not find a hooker? or someone else who wants no strings attached? i don't make love frivolously, it's meaningful to me. many women can separate sex and love. I can't. Edited February 19, 2020 by Lady Cathryn Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 Thee guys don't want hookers, they want a women who will agree to be his OW. Hookers don't love you, OWs do. His own personal fan club... You, like so many OW, were in a vulnerable place when you met.MM love that vulnerability. Strong, stable women say "Leave me alone. Go back to your wife" Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 The old slight of hand.. he’s just a common liar. Be glad you aren’t his wife. and don’t believe for one minute the marriage is bad like he says (he lies). She probably thinks it’s great because she doesn’t know his truth. hehas many opportunities to expose his marital status yet he didn’t. He groomed you...so that you wouldn’t say no. my bet is he’s got many he’s groomed - always at least one in the hopper - maybe several in case one drops out. he isn’t the man you THOUGHT he WAS. It’s an illusion. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 A dishonest guy is NOT a good guy! get that right... good guys don’t lie and deceive! Big difference! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 1 hour ago, S2B said: A dishonest guy is NOT a good guy! get that right... good guys don’t lie and deceive! Big difference! true enough. I will say it again- if you want to see what a person is really like, look at their actions, not their words. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) a Edited February 19, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 1 hour ago, S2B said: A dishonest guy is NOT a good guy! get that right... good guys don’t lie and deceive! Big difference! having seen all the above, i have to say something.. just b/c a guy/girl lies, does not mean they're not good people... good people do bad things. it's called a mistake. presuming they come around to regretting their choices. many people here are not perfect. i'd like to take a step further and say all people are not perfect. some people, granted, may make such colossal mistakes that it boggles the mind, but let's face it... each one of us has something in our closets, we wish to some higher deity that it never happened... but it did, and it was us who commited such acts. the point i'm trying to make is... the actions we take, will have consequences for that individual for the rest of their lives... but i refuse to believe that we are ONLY defined by our mistakes. We may have to pay a price for them, but it is what we do AFTER we make those mistakes that truly define us... whether we are good or bad. Many people come around and regret the errors of our ways... some do not. Ever. Those are the kinds of people we should be wary about. But I believe most people are inherently good, and flawed, and self serving... but they want to do good; sometimes, they've just forgotten how good they truly are... it's our personal day to day choices, that determine who we are... not one horrible mistake. There is personal redemption. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 1 minute ago, 2BGoodAgain said: having seen all the above, i have to say something.. just b/c a guy/girl lies, does not mean they're not good people... good people do bad things. it's called a mistake. presuming they come around to regretting their choices. many people here are not perfect. i'd like to take a step further and say all people are not perfect. some people, granted, may make such colossal mistakes that it boggles the mind, but let's face it... each one of us has something in our closets, we wish to some higher deity that it never happened... but it did, and it was us who commited such acts. the point i'm trying to make is... the actions we take, will have consequences for that individual for the rest of their lives... but i refuse to believe that we are ONLY defined by our mistakes. We may have to pay a price for them, but it is what we do AFTER we make those mistakes that truly define us... whether we are good or bad. Many people come around and regret the errors of our ways... some do not. Ever. Those are the kinds of people we should be wary about. But I believe most people are inherently good, and flawed, and self serving... but they want to do good; sometimes, they've just forgotten how good they truly are... it's our personal day to day choices, that determine who we are... not one horrible mistake. There is personal redemption. a "mistake" would be a MM or MW getting a bit tipsy and having a. one night stand. This is not "one horrible mistake" but a series of choices made over a fairly lengthy span of time. For the MM in the situation being discussed here to not see that he was hurting the OP through his series of choices he had each day he decided to try and keep her on the hook is about as far form being one big mistake as one can get. Every day this man made the decision to keep the affair going. he could have sucked up his own pain and walked away from either the OP or his wife, but instead, he cultivated both relationships because it is what was best for him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 Is lying to and cheating on his wife for 4 long years and leading the OP on to think they had a future, the actions of a good guy? A mere mistake? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 20 hours ago, Lady Cathryn said: I had a thought that I shared with AP a few weeks ago. I said “what if you are the final icing on building this beautiful cake that is me? What if this turmoil turns me into the very best version of me?” He, of course, did not reply. Maybe he really does NOT get me at all. I think he didn't know what to say, so took the easy way to say nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) 54 minutes ago, pepperbird said: a "mistake" would be a MM or MW getting a bit tipsy and having a. one night stand. This is not "one horrible mistake" but a series of choices made over a fairly lengthy span of time. For the MM in the situation being discussed here to not see that he was hurting the OP through his series of choices he had each day he decided to try and keep her on the hook is about as far form being one big mistake as one can get. Every day this man made the decision to keep the affair going. he could have sucked up his own pain and walked away from either the OP or his wife, but instead, he cultivated both relationships because it is what was best for him. a mistake is any action where afterwards, you look back and you say... oh frell, that was f'd up.... and you regret making that choice. a mistake isn't a gradient where one act qualifies as a mistake and another doesn't... just b/c of how many series of mistakes you make during an affair... as you've read so many stories from both sides of an affair, you realize that the affair itself is the mistake... and you commit so many lies, deceits, self deceits, rationalizations, etc etc .... a drunken one night stand affair vs an affair that lasts months/years are both mistakes and one doesn't qualify as any better than the other... they both destroy relationships, betrays any vows, ... both mistakes. how fast you come to the realization that it was a mistake, is also irrelavant to whether it is a mistake or not. But getting back to the original statement that a "good" guy doesn't lie or deceive is plain wrong. Many good people lie and deceive... does that make them a bad person? (shrug)... i'm no saint or have never NOT lied, so i can't make that call. I know too many people who lie... for whatever reasons they feel is justified... and i think they're "not good" b/c of their lies. No one likes to be lied to, but many of us lie... just saying. Edited February 19, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady Cathryn Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: I think he didn't know what to say, so took the easy way to say nothing. probably so i like your avi btw ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady Cathryn Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 3 hours ago, S2B said: A dishonest guy is NOT a good guy! get that right... good guys don’t lie and deceive! Big difference! i have a tendency to assign people good qualities they don't actually possess it seems Link to post Share on other sites
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