How does a man even commit to 1 woman?

[Ruby Slippers]

Research has shown that some people have brain wiring more geared toward monogamy and empathy, while others lean more toward promiscuity, and a spectrum in between. Universally, men and women who are geared toward monogamy and empathy are top picks for spouses and long-term partners.

Edited February 18, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[preraph]

They commit when they know they're going to lose her if they don't commit, because they don't want anyone else to have her, but if there was no danger of that, they probably wouldn't ever commit unless they were ready to commit to a family.

[Metsgal]

On 2/17/2020 at 3:24 PM, d0nnivain said:

What many of these women have is self respect.  You lost yours somewhere along the way.  You think it's OK to have FWB with younger men; you are open to threesomes early on before you have a chance to develop true trust between you & your partner.  

It is the sex.  Most men who want a LTR would prefer a prude.  When you are too open minded & up for anything a new partner concludes he's not special & you will & have had sex with lots of men.  Then he discards you as a potential mate; you become a good time girl, nothing more.  

Going forward you need to take some time off & re-center yourself.  Really think about who you are & what you want.  Know your own value.  Then seek out a man who respects you.  If you get excuses, recognize them as rejection & move on.  Stop trying to force a relationship.  Do not get physical early on.  

It's also not about somebody's external looks.  What many of the sports stars value is knowing that their partners liked them before they were famous.  There are so many gold diggers out there. 

Not everybody finds their life partners in HS or college.  I was almost 40 when I met my husband.  We have been married for almost 12 years. 

Once you carry yourself as woman who deserves to be treasured you will be.  Until you do this, you will continue to experience more of the same unfulfilling things you have put up with to date.  

okay, from now on , whenever I meet a new man, I have to be a total prude in order to be a wifey material? Well, I guess I'll give that a try. I mean, how long should I withhold sex? Well, I know for a fact that looking attractive is a number one way that a man will even look my way-1) looks are number one. I don't know..I mean, I don't think my personality sucks. All the guys that I've met I felt a  connection, but they didn't feel the same way. Is looking hot not a good thing? Because I'm thinking hot just means they just want a good time and nothing more. I believe guys do want sex early on when they see an attractive woman. I could blame these guys in the past that I've gone out on dates...but there has to be something about me, my persona that they don't like? It ticks me off when I find out they choose the other woman over me. 

Edited February 18, 2020 by Metsgal

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Metsgal said:

from now on, I have to be a total prude in order to be a wifey material? Well, I guess I'll give that a try. I mean, how long should I withhold sex? Is looking hot not a good thing? 

You don’t have to be a prude and withhold sex to have a man take you seriously. There is a big difference between being a prude and having threesomes with a significantly younger fwb and his friends. 

Furthermore, it is possible to look hot and still demonstrate self respect and reasonable boundaries in a relationship. 

The two are not mutually exclusive. 

Edited February 18, 2020 by BaileyB

[lana-banana]

People (male, female, nonbinary, whatever) commit if they want a monogamous relationship and they meet someone they want to commit to. Period. It's that easy. It has nothing to do with how "hot" or "prudish" or "sexy" you are. I guarantee if someone is into you, they won't be put off by first date sex. My husband certainly wasn't.

By your own account you're a 36-year-old having sex with boys in their late teens and early twenties. Your every action indicates that you aren't looking for someone to share in an equal relationship, just someone to make you feel sexy and validated via your own sexiness. If you want to be valued as a partner then save your time for someone who can treat you like an equal partner. Barely grown boys can't do that.

[AquaGal]

On 2/17/2020 at 3:43 PM, Metsgal said:

I can't seem to understand, there are couples that have been married for 15 plus years/they met in college/or for example the quarterback for the chiefs has been with the same girl since high school and he's 24. I'm like wth? Do these men truly believe in values, marriage, morals? Don't they have the urge to "shop" around and see what's better out there. Because what's out there are thousands of women that are probably better looking and younger than what they possibly have at the moment...And what's the women's secret to be able to snatch and lock down a man for commitment? Because I've tried "dating" and have no such luck with men, these same men tell me excuses, lies, only for them to "shop" around for something better and amazing and to no surprise they end up committed to the other woman and NOT me. 

What the heck is wrong with me? What do these women have that I don't have? Is it the sex? I'm not a prude. 

My parents are married 34 years. One aunt & uncle 45 years. Another aunt & uncle 60 years. Not one case of unfaithfulness among them. It's quite easy - for men and women alike - to stick with one partner when they have something called standards instead of, to be quite blunt, screwing whoever happens to buy them a beer & gives them a smile at the bar. 

 

56 minutes ago, Metsgal said:

okay, from now on , whenever I meet a new man, I have to be a total prude in order to be a wifey material? Well, I guess I'll give that a try. I mean, how long should I withhold sex? Well, I know for a fact that looking attractive is a number one way that a man will even look my way-1) looks are number one. I don't know..I mean, I don't think my personality sucks. All the guys that I've met I felt a  connection, but they didn't feel the same way. Is looking hot not a good thing? Because I'm thinking hot just means they just want a good time and nothing more. I believe guys do want sex early on when they see an attractive woman. I could blame these guys in the past that I've gone out on dates...but there has to be something about me, my persona that they don't like? It ticks me off when I find out they choose the other woman over me. 

I've a question, and take no offense nor need to answer, but how was your childhood? Was there a good-influencing male relative? A father? An uncle? You have a poor understanding of what relationships are about. These guys aren't after a relationship they are simply after sex & as exemplified earlier when you went and had sex with a teenage boy's friend you seem quite "willing" to "supply" it. 

You've no need to answer but such implies you were raised in a poor childhood or potentially sexually abused as a child. 

[snowboy91]

45 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

By your own account you're a 36-year-old having sex with boys in their late teens and early twenties. 

By looking at other threads, I just put two and two together. Guys of that age, more often than not, are nowhere near the point where they want to commit to a relationship for the rest of their lives. That's going to give you a very skewed view of what guys are like. And I know - I'm getting to the later end of that age bracket (late 20s), and I have younger friends. 

As I've mentioned in my previous post, most guys do eventually feel a sense of commitment with the right person. Guys in their early 20s haven't had the relationship experience to know for sure yet - and it's a point in their life where they just want to have fun (and girls are no different IME). And that's OK - but don't expect too much from them in terms of commitment.

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Metsgal said:

okay, from now on , whenever I meet a new man, I have to be a total prude in order to be a wifey material? Well, I guess I'll give that a try. I mean, how long should I withhold sex? Well, I know for a fact that looking attractive is a number one way that a man will even look my way-1) looks are number one. I don't know..I mean, I don't think my personality sucks. All the guys that I've met I felt a  connection, but they didn't feel the same way. Is looking hot not a good thing? Because I'm thinking hot just means they just want a good time and nothing more. I believe guys do want sex early on when they see an attractive woman. I could blame these guys in the past that I've gone out on dates...but there has to be something about me, my persona that they don't like? It ticks me off when I find out they choose the other woman over me. 

Are these guys you’re talking about 18-24 year olds ? You admitted yourself a lot older men just want relationships, so why not just go for someone closer to your age? I would imagine it’s rare for an 19 year old man to feel a genuine connection with a 36 year old woman because you’re at two very different points in your life. Maybe ask why you do feel a connection to someone just out of high school? 

[basil67]

You've got a whole thread on how to sustain a FWB with a guy who's 18 years your junior.   Why are you wasting time trying to cement casual sex buddies - and sex with guys who are too young to settle down - if you want a relationship?

 

Edited February 19, 2020 by basil67

[Metsgal]

2 hours ago, AquaGal said:

My parents are married 34 years. One aunt & uncle 45 years. Another aunt & uncle 60 years. Not one case of unfaithfulness among them. It's quite easy - for men and women alike - to stick with one partner when they have something called standards instead of, to be quite blunt, screwing whoever happens to buy them a beer & gives them a smile at the bar. 

 

I've a question, and take no offense nor need to answer, but how was your childhood? Was there a good-influencing male relative? A father? An uncle? You have a poor understanding of what relationships are about. These guys aren't after a relationship they are simply after sex & as exemplified earlier when you went and had sex with a teenage boy's friend you seem quite "willing" to "supply" it. 

You've no need to answer but such implies you were raised in a poor childhood or potentially sexually abused as a child. 

My childhood was normal and I was never "abused." I grew up in a typical 2 parent household. However, my mother was extremely overbearing/overprotective as a teen and even into early adulthood.Was really religious , both of my parents always sold me the idea to save sex for marriage..I too believed that whole BS, until I hit 30 and realized that s^&t doesn't exist, that men like experienced women, men cheat, people get divorced, etc, etc. My mom didn't want me to be around boys as a teen/go to school dances, even dressing sexy is considered whorish, that went until my mid 20's, even dating and sleeping over at a guys house is whorish to her.  

[Metsgal]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've got a whole thread on how to sustain a FWB with a guy who's 18 years your junior.   Why are you wasting time trying to cement casual sex buddies - and sex with guys who are too young to settle down - if you want a relationship?

 

Because its the only thing I got going on right now and the only thing that I could have. Its better than nothing, if dating isn't working out-which doesn't seem and hasn't been working out in my favor for the past years, if I'm single that means no nookie. 

[thefooloftheyear]

^^ C;mon man....I'd think if  was hungry, I still wouldn't bother eating dog shyt….but that's me...

TFY

[nospam99]

OP, at least some men who are looking for lasting commitment will be turned away by the idea that a woman is ''anybody's'' or ''everyboy's''. I admit that I'm one of them, so take my remarks with that grain of salt. You've posted about your sexual activity. But do you believe that people, men, can't tell by the way you behave and carry yourself what your attitude about sexual commitment is? Or has your experience developed in you behaviors that as a matter of second nature broadcast your attitude? You don't have to become a 'prude'. But you might do well to consider what your demeanor says about you. There're differences between casual, recreational, and relationship sex.

[oldtruck]

On 2/17/2020 at 4:24 PM, d0nnivain said:

What many of these women have is self respect.  You lost yours somewhere along the way.  You think it's OK to have FWB with younger men; you are open to threesomes early on before you have a chance to develop true trust between you & your partner.  

It is the sex.  Most men who want a LTR would prefer a prude.  When you are too open minded & up for anything a new partner concludes he's not special & you will & have had sex with lots of men.  Then he discards you as a potential mate; you become a good time girl, nothing more.  

Going forward you need to take some time off & re-center yourself.  Really think about who you are & what you want.  Know your own value.  Then seek out a man who respects you.  If you get excuses, recognize them as rejection & move on.  Stop trying to force a relationship.  Do not get physical early on.  

It's also not about somebody's external looks.  What many of the sports stars value is knowing that their partners liked them before they were famous.  There are so many gold diggers out there. 

Not everybody finds their life partners in HS or college.  I was almost 40 when I met my husband.  We have been married for almost 12 years. 

Once you carry yourself as woman who deserves to be treasured you will be.  Until you do this, you will continue to experience more of the same unfulfilling things you have put up with to date.  

we do not want prudes.

we want adventurous women, only with us.

we do not want to share our toys, so do not want threesomes, or hear that you had

them or want them.

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, Metsgal said:

okay, from now on , whenever I meet a new man, I have to be a total prude in order to be a wifey material? Well, I guess I'll give that a try. I mean, how long should I withhold sex? Well, I know for a fact that looking attractive is a number one way that a man will even look my way-1) looks are number one. I don't know..I mean, I don't think my personality sucks. All the guys that I've met I felt a  connection, but they didn't feel the same way. Is looking hot not a good thing? Because I'm thinking hot just means they just want a good time and nothing more. I believe guys do want sex early on when they see an attractive woman. I could blame these guys in the past that I've gone out on dates...but there has to be something about me, my persona that they don't like? It ticks me off when I find out they choose the other woman over me. 

Learn about something called a whore Madonna complex. 

My use of the word prude may have overstated things.  It is possible to have sex on the 1st date & still command respect. It involves liking yourself & owning your decisions.  I don't sense that from you.  It's like you will go which ever way the wind blows & you think you need to be easy & kinky to keep a man.  

Men value things they have to work for -- a raise, that good job, the winning golf score etc.  When it falls into their lap they don't value it.  

Looking good has a place in attraction but it's not the only thing.  Can you hold a conversation?  Are you nurturing?  Does he feel wanted & needed around you?  In short do you make him feel like a man?  Hey I'm terrible at the later.  I'm a very outspoken independent woman.  I accomplished a lot in my life before I met DH but it's still nice to have somebody to open that too tight jar lid.  

Edited February 19, 2020 by d0nnivain

[d0nnivain]

Some of your promiscuity is also a late blooming response to the repression foisted on your by your parents.  Somehow your "I can do whatever I want; it's my body" attitude translates to "easy" to many of your partners. I'm not saying you can't do what you want to your body. 

You are very focused on your carnal pleasure & that is OK.  The problem is that it can be tough to find somebody who is as sexually adventurous as you are whose sexual appetite matches yours who is also into commitment.  In my experience that type of man tends to be a player, love 'em & leave 'em type who enjoys the thrill of the chase & prefers "strange" to commitment.  YMMV.  

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, Metsgal said:

 Is looking hot not a good thing? Because I'm thinking hot just means they just want a good time and nothing more. I believe guys do want sex early on when they see an attractive woman. I could blame these guys in the past that I've gone out on dates...but there has to be something about me, my persona that they don't like? It ticks me off when I find out they choose the other woman over me. 

Depends on what your idea of looking hot means.  I know guys like pretty women.  They may look at and want sex with a woman who looks"hot" in a sexual way but most men want a pretty woman that not all men can have.  If you are coming off sex starved and always wanting it, agreeing to multiple guys at one time, etc., they don't want that in a gf, wife or mother of their child.

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, Metsgal said:

...but there has to be something about me, my persona that they don't like? It ticks me off when I find out they choose the other woman over me. 

It's probably because your energy is more masculine than feminine.

[Piddy]

Why not try a different approach, because what you're doing isn't working.  Don't put out so easily.  And don't date much younger guys.  Stay in your lane age wise or try an older guy.  Reality is guys don't look at promiscuous women as relationship material. 

 Don't lead with sex.  Work towards sex.  Date a guy for several dates before you sleep with him.  And above all if you find a decent guy who wants a relationship, don't ever tell him that you were easy / loose.  That stuff will eat at a guy knowing you've been around, so to speak. 

Can't hurt, I'd give it a try.  Take care of whatever sexual needs arise by yourself.   You're obviously not attracting the right guy.  Time to change it up.  Good Luck.

[basil67]

18 hours ago, Metsgal said:

 if I'm single that means no nookie. 

Is going without sex between proper dating relationships really the end of the world?   

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

It's probably because your energy is more masculine than feminine.

No that's not it.  I have always had a very strong energy.  Many would call it masculine or alpha.  I prefer straight forward or blunt.  Yes, it turned some men off but they were not good matches for me.   When I set out of to find a solid long term partner,  I asked the universe to send me a man who was strong enough to let me be weak.  DH is a Marine vet so he certainly fits that requirement. 

Metsgal's energy is probably part of it but it's not the masculine nature.  I suspect there is more of a clingy / desperate / I'll show  vibe that is bleeding through in unexpected ways. 

Edited February 19, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Els]

 If you view it as her "snatching and locking him down", you've lost before you've even started. In happy long term monogamous couples the desire for monogamy is usually mutual.

Generally speaking though, teenagers who want to "share" you with their friends are a bad place to look for such people.

[chillii]

A lot of stuff women have pointed out here is spot on . There's a big difference in the woman he feels he could commit to , to the women he wouldn't , there's a quality about her , for any decent guy anyway. But op with your history going on things brought up through the thread , that is def' not the commit-able kind he'll look for.

Edited February 19, 2020 by chillii

[basil67]

@Metsgal what do you believe is the reason you can't find a good man?

[Metsgal]

On 2/19/2020 at 8:07 AM, d0nnivain said:

Learn about something called a whore Madonna complex. 

My use of the word prude may have overstated things.  It is possible to have sex on the 1st date & still command respect. It involves liking yourself & owning your decisions.  I don't sense that from you.  It's like you will go which ever way the wind blows & you think you need to be easy & kinky to keep a man.  

Men value things they have to work for -- a raise, that good job, the winning golf score etc.  When it falls into their lap they don't value it.  

Looking good has a place in attraction but it's not the only thing.  Can you hold a conversation?  Are you nurturing?  Does he feel wanted & needed around you?  In short do you make him feel like a man?  Hey I'm terrible at the later.  I'm a very outspoken independent woman.  I accomplished a lot in my life before I met DH but it's still nice to have somebody to open that too tight jar lid.  

I can hold a convo, I'm a little bit reserved at first, but I open up. What is nurturing? I do believe guys feel wanted around me. I don't understand, in the past I fully supported the guys that I dated early on. I'm caring. I'm not a sh**ty person. The guys in the past didn't feel the same way about me, as I did about them, I always thought this is the one that is going to be my life partner, they did not choose me. This isn't fair.  Did these men just "feel" that spark with them and not me? I just believe a guy will like me for me and I don't have to change..so what if I"m reserved, I open up, I'm not the "life of the party" but I'm sure there are other women like me that can snag a man. I completely opened up with the last guy I dated last summer only for him to tell me, " to stop acting like a girlfriend." I act like girlfriend only to be slapped in the face and he chose another girl who is now his girlfriend. 

Edited February 23, 2020 by Metsgal