How does a man even commit to 1 woman?

[Metsgal]

On 2/19/2020 at 5:04 PM, basil67 said:

@Metsgal what do you believe is the reason you can't find a good man?

I don't know, either my luck is sh*&ty, I haven't found the right guy that gets me and accepts me for me. But what's really pathetic, is that guys will only approach/be interested in me, if I dress sexy and look hot. 

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, Metsgal said:

I don't know, either my luck is sh*&ty, I haven't found the right guy that gets me and accepts me for me. But what's really pathetic, is that guys will only approach/be interested in me, if I dress sexy and look hot. 

I suspect those guys who approach you when you're dressed sexy and look hot are doing so because you look like you're available for casual sex.  It's not because they want a relationship with you.    Try dressing classy instead of sexy.  Do makeup which is attractive rather than hot.   

28 minutes ago, Metsgal said:

 I completely opened up with the last guy I dated last summer only for him to tell me, " to stop acting like a girlfriend." I act like girlfriend only to be slapped in the face and he chose another girl who is now his girlfriend. 

Further to my above comment, this situation was about a guy who you were having casual sex with.  He didn't want you as a girlfriend - but you were acting like a girlfriend, wanting him to do the boyfriend thing.    I'm not going to criticise you for having sex before finding out if a relationship was on the cards because I've done the same myself.  But it's a HIGH RISK approach and one must have the mindset that they will be fine if nothing more comes of it than casual sex on demand.    Please go and re-read that thread and remind yourself of the views of those of us who've been there too.

For what it's worth, my biggest life lesson was received when I was in my teens.  I thought that if a guy fooled around with me on a regular basis, it meant that he really liked me.   But it's not so.   

[Miss Spider]

Honestly, all the people( a man included) I’ve known who’ve complained about people only wanting them for sex and  trouble finding people to commit to them have seemed really desperate / doormat like behavior. People can smell desperation/pushovers from a mile away and it’s unattractive, 

[Metsgal]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I suspect those guys who approach you when you're dressed sexy and look hot are doing so because you look like you're available for casual sex.  It's not because they want a relationship with you.    Try dressing classy instead of sexy.  Do makeup which is attractive rather than hot.   

Further to my above comment, this situation was about a guy who you were having casual sex with.  He didn't want you as a girlfriend - but you were acting like a girlfriend, wanting him to do the boyfriend thing.    I'm not going to criticise you for having sex before finding out if a relationship was on the cards because I've done the same myself.  But it's a HIGH RISK approach and one must have the mindset that they will be fine if nothing more comes of it than casual sex on demand.    Please go and re-read that thread and remind yourself of the views of those of us who've been there too.

For what it's worth, my biggest life lesson was received when I was in my teens.  I thought that if a guy fooled around with me on a regular basis, it meant that he really liked me.   But it's not so.   

But the thing with that guy is that he wasn't looking for a gf at the time since he supposedly told me he just got out of a long term relationship. Like in the beginning see what's out there and also the bastard made a lot of false promises, like watching movies, going to the arcades, calling him if I ever had car trouble..you know things that look like there's a future. Sure, he wasn't looking for a gf at that time, but he was meeting girls and hanging out with them until 1 day, he found a girl he wanted to be with instead of me. So basically I wasn't good enough so he was shopping around for something better. I believe that was the 3rd of week of knowing each other that he somewhat "knew" he wasn't into me. because his busy excuses starting coming in. I've heard stories about people saying they weren't looking until they found the one. Such BS. 

[basil67]

Metsgal, it was only three weeks.  Hanging out together a bit or helping each other for a few weeks is the 'getting to know you' process - not a promise.  When he'd gotten to know you a bit more, he found that you weren't the one.  It's not about you 'not being good enough', it's about you not being the right person for him.   We can't expect to be the right person for everyone we are interested in.  

I wasn't looking for a partner when I met my husband.  I was invited to a BBQ at his house by a mutual friend and it all started there. 

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, Metsgal said:

 But what's really pathetic, is that guys will only approach/be interested in me, if I dress sexy and look hot. 

Do we really need to explain to you that if you go out dressed in a provocative way men won't take you seriously. 

There are many ways of being feminine, sexy but not trashy looking. Classy sexy is the way to go. Here is the rule for sexy classy, you only show skin in one spot at a time. If you want to wear a cleavage then you dress with long pants, if you want to show your legs then you wear long sleeves and high neck. You NEVER show skin on top and bottom at the same time that's when you fall in the trashy category and men will think you're looking for sex.

[NuevoYorko]

Everyone is projecting their own values onto other people.  This isn't wrong.  The way you comport yourself when you're dating someone; you expect the same from men.  You'll get it.  

Do YOU believe in traditional values?  If you do, then function in your life by adhering to traditional values.  It's likely that you'll end up meeting a man who shares them.

For now, you're focussed on being "sexy" or something (can't quite figure you out) and doing all kinds of behaviors that you believe men will think are "sexy."  You may be right but you're just hanging around in a pool of people who are into that kind of thing,   That's fine, if it suits you.  If it doesn't, you need to behave similarly to how you want men in your life to behave.

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, reasonable fashion tips, but I see ‘trashy’ looking girls with bfs all the time. There  could be a fundamental problem here that goes beyond matters of taste. Regardless of what values a person has, almost all of us want a person of value.  When people act desperate, it sends the signal some is low value. Whats wrong with them and can I do better.   A couple ways this  manifests itself to others is in displaying  no boundaries, no sense of self, low self esteem, extreme lengths to be validated. Could metsgirl be giving off this vibe to potential romantic partners?  The  thread where she didn’t any real opinion on letting a group of boys run train on her seems to suggest that. 

7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Everyone is projecting their own values onto other people.  This isn't wrong.  The way you comport yourself when you're dating someone; you expect the same from men.  You'll get it.  

Do YOU believe in traditional values?  If you do, then function in your life by adhering to traditional values.  It's likely that you'll end up meeting a man who shares them.

For now, you're focussed on being "sexy" or something (can't quite figure you out) and doing all kinds of behaviors that you believe men will think are "sexy."  You may be right but you're just hanging around in a pool of people who are into that kind of thing,   That's fine, if it suits you.  If it doesn't, you need to behave similarly to how you want men in your life to behave.

 

 

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Kitty Tantrum]

You're coming across as bitter, combative, entitled... while also being unaware of what exactly it is that you want - nevermind for now the details of how to get it.

As you've described it, you built the idea of a potential future in your head based on gestures a man made - not on any concrete notions of what it is that you want in a relationship and evidence of compatibility. In other words, he made you feel validated - but you were not actually seriously considering him for a relationship. You were hoping that he would present you with a relationship on a platter, which you could then accept or reject at your leisure based on whether his offer was good enough.

I think a lot of guys pick up on that vibe and take a hard pass on that approach.

[NuevoYorko]

46 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yeah, reasonable fashion tips, but I see ‘trashy’ looking girls with bfs all the time. There  could be a fundamental problem here that goes beyond matters of taste. 

 

I wasn't talking about fashion at all.  Sexy clothes are  by me.  The OP puts herself out there sex first, and it doesn't seem to be sexual things she's interested in herself, but what she thinks the men she's dating will go for.  Threesome?  Sex with all his friends?  She asks if men like this stuff.  It would be different if SHE were all into it but she's trying to please men (fairly random ones at that) by engaging in stuff.  So - there she is, hanging out with men who think it's fun to date an older woman and then pass her around among friends.  Not exactly the pool to fish from if you're wanting a monogamous man right?

[Miss Spider]

Yeah sorry.,I didn’t mean to imply you said that.  I was agreeing with you regarding the whole projecting values thing and referring to the commenters who were telling her to change how she dresses or become a “prude” . But yep 😊

[Metsgal]

On 2/22/2020 at 11:42 PM, basil67 said:

Metsgal, it was only three weeks.  Hanging out together a bit or helping each other for a few weeks is the 'getting to know you' process - not a promise.  When he'd gotten to know you a bit more, he found that you weren't the one.  It's not about you 'not being good enough', it's about you not being the right person for him.   We can't expect to be the right person for everyone we are interested in.  

I wasn't looking for a partner when I met my husband.  I was invited to a BBQ at his house by a mutual friend and it all started there. 

Well, I don't get what "qualities" these guys that I dated were looking for? I'm not some terrible person, This seems to be some ongoing pattern, describe what "the right person is?" If I wasn't the right person for THEM, then why did I feel they were the right men for ME?

[basil67]

People want far more in a partner than them "not being a terrible person".   People want emotional and physical chemistry.  They want a shared sense of humour.  They want intellectual connection.  The want similar morals and ethics.   Then it gets more personal.  So for me, I want (and have) a partner who has a positive outlook on life, who doesn't have a hot temper, who has an easy smile, has some good friends, has interests outside of me, is at a similar stage of life.   And there's a whole lot of intangible stuff too.    For them to not think you were 'the one', some of this was likely missing.

Of course, it's unlikely to go anywhere with a man half your age.  Or a man who's picked up based on nothing more than you looking sexy.  Or a man who's a FWB.

I can't tell you why you thought they (not sure how many men you are talking about here) were right for you.  So, can you tell us why you felt that way?

 

[Kitty Tantrum]

2 hours ago, Metsgal said:

If I wasn't the right person for THEM, then why did I feel they were the right men for ME?

They made you feel validated by giving you sexual attention when you asked for it. You conflated your own feelings of validation with (what you assumed was) their feelings for you or interest in a relationship with you. This is a fairly common mistake.

The phrase "looking for love in all the wrong places" comes to mind.

Question: when you think about a potential future with a guy, what does that LOOK LIKE? If you can't answer that question to a fair degree of specificity, then why are you even attempting to evaluate men as potential life partners at this point in your life?

As near as I can tell you're only filtering for "hot guys who think I am hot and want to bang me."

That's like me getting on Amazon and just ordering everything I see suggested on the front page and hoping that it somehow makes my life better instead of worse.

[basil67]

Very insightful @Kitty Tantrum

[Miss Spider]

X post 

Edited February 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, Metsgal said:

If I wasn't the right person for THEM, then why did I feel they were the right men for ME?

There’s no law in the universe that states if we like people they have to like us back

Edited February 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

And this is why scammers sell love potions.

[snowboy91]

4 hours ago, Metsgal said:

Well, I don't get what "qualities" these guys that I dated were looking for? I'm not some terrible person, This seems to be some ongoing pattern, describe what "the right person is?

Ditto what others have said - it's not about how "good" the other person is, it's about how well they fit your personality. For example, someone could be the nicest person, but they only enjoy binge watching TV on the weekends. As an active person who enjoys adventure, that would not be a good fit for me. And that would take me some time to work out during the dating process, say a month or two - longer if she was doing things she didn't like to please me - it's not uncommon for people to do something like that. I'd consider that among many other things when deciding whether to continue the relationship. Even if we've been having sex since the first date.

Everyone's looking for something a little different. Not all guys think the same way, just as you know all girls don't think the same way.

[mark clemson]

@Metsgal

Hiyas. First off - don't be deceived by the superficial surface appearances of "white picket fence" marriages. Any LT marriage will have ups and downs, sometimes quite significant ones. Many LT couples may be genuinely content, but there are plenty who aren't, and the travails of marriage are commonplace enough to be cliche. Who knows how many of these folks sleep apart, have "arrangements", can't stand each other but "stay for the kids", are physically or emotionally abusive, haven't had sex in years, sleep with other people to make themselves feel happier, spend most of the year apart, etc etc.

There are a few genuinely superbly happy couples, and a lot more that are reasonably happy, but some large percent really aren't that happy. Staying in a LTR boils down to a decision and those decisions may be made for many reasons, such as finances, family expectations, "keeping up appearances", even simple inertia, etc. LT marriages can sometimes feel like a tough slog.

Second point: Every man is a little bit different. Some want genuine love, others are more looking for an attractive "partner" without lots of emotion, some want wild sex, others want someone who'd make a good mom for their kids, still others want someone they can dominate or push around, or even be dominated/pushed around by. Some only go for very attractive women, while others won't go for very attractive women as they see risk and potential competition there. There's all sorts of variations. So I agree you should keep looking until you find the right guy. I do agree that you want more mature men than 20-somethings if you're looking for LTRs.

 

On 2/22/2020 at 8:16 PM, Metsgal said:

I haven't found the right guy that gets me and accepts me for me. But what's really pathetic, is that guys will only approach/be interested in me, if I dress sexy and look hot. 

That isn't pathetic at all. That's men being naturally men. Dressing attractively send the message that you're looking for someone. Dressing down or frumpy makes you appear both less interested and less interesting. No reason at all to beat yourself up for playing the game correctly. You're finding men, just not the right ones so far.

It is possible that some men who might be emotionally sincere (and thus be good for LTRs) are a bit intimidated if you look too sexy. So, consider staying with the sexy, but toning it down just a bit. There are some guys who are shy around very attractive women, but are more confident around pretty attractive ones.

 

On 2/18/2020 at 2:16 PM, Metsgal said:

okay, from now on , whenever I meet a new man, I have to be a total prude in order to be a wifey material?

No, THAT would be a bad idea IMO. However, there is something to the idea that if the win is too easy, then the "prize" is valued less. That is a genuine psychological phenomenon. So, you'll want to walk a balancing act between TOO giving vs. being a prude. It can be a fine line. There no doubt ARE men who actually go for prudes, but you probably don't want to be with a guy like that anyhow, as that's clearly not you. Generally, you want to let him "win" you, but don't make it TOO easy for him. Be a bit of a challenge for him. Again it can be a fine line.

 

On 2/18/2020 at 2:16 PM, Metsgal said:

...but there has to be something about me, my persona that they don't like? It ticks me off when I find out they choose the other woman over me. 

On 2/22/2020 at 8:09 PM, Metsgal said:

This isn't fair.  Did these men just "feel" that spark with them and not me? I just believe a guy will like me for me and I don't have to change..so what if I"m reserved, I open up, I'm not the "life of the party" but I'm sure there are other women like me that can snag a man.

Possibly there is a perceived personality issue going on, but that's very hard to tell over a text forum. It is true that some if not many men will be more selective about personality (vs. looks) when it comes to going LT. If you come across as having an "undercurrent" of bitterness or frustration than that may be offputting for some of the men and may make them more cautious about going LT with you. Possibly you have a trusted friend who is secure enough to be completely honest with you and could give you feedback? Beyond that, I'd say be careful to vent any issues you have with people other than the BFs, such as BFFs instead. At least until a LTR is well established.

Overall, it's not an easy game, but at least you can look good. I suspect there are many women your age who would kill for the ability to dress up sexy and attract men. It's a big advantage.  Consider mixing up where and how you look for men, to maybe find those who are more the LTR type? Meetups? Volunteer groups? Maybe something along those lines.

 

Edited February 27, 2020 by mark clemson

[Metsgal]

I

On 2/24/2020 at 2:44 PM, basil67 said:

People want far more in a partner than them "not being a terrible person".   People want emotional and physical chemistry.  They want a shared sense of humour.  They want intellectual connection.  The want similar morals and ethics.   Then it gets more personal.  So for me, I want (and have) a partner who has a positive outlook on life, who doesn't have a hot temper, who has an easy smile, has some good friends, has interests outside of me, is at a similar stage of life.   And there's a whole lot of intangible stuff too.    For them to not think you were 'the one', some of this was likely missing.

Of course, it's unlikely to go anywhere with a man half your age.  Or a man who's picked up based on nothing more than you looking sexy.  Or a man who's a FWB.

I can't tell you why you thought they (not sure how many men you are talking about here) were right for you.  So, can you tell us why you felt that way?

 

Its not fair that I can't even land man? By ongoing pattern, I mean like every guy that I have been on dates with and I'm talking about at least 1 month of the phase, then poof, its over, I get nexted/excuses, blown off, etc, etc. Its not fair. What the hell? I'm all of those things that you described, these guys tell me that I'm attractive, but it stops there , they decide to see what's out there only I get beat to the finish line by some other girl. There are women that can EASILY snag a man, as soon as they break up. I see women who get divorced become single moms then wham, they meet a man down the line and they get married/the man locks them down. I personally know a family friend-she got divorced a few years ago and has 4 kids, she ended getting remarried like 3 years later. I also know another women who got divorced with 4 kids she also got remarried a few years later. I'm like wtf? I can't get a man to want to be with me, What these women have more to offer than I do because I don't have baggage or drama? What do I have to do? Am I boring? Its not fair,  so now what I have to have some "checklist" to fake my personality? I always thought a man would like me for me,  does that not exist ?

[carhill]

OP, it's not fair but some people just have 'it'. People want to bang them. I marvel at it some days. Other days it's annoying as hell. Wish I had an answer. I don't.

 

[Metsgal]

12 hours ago, mark clemson said:

@Metsgal

Hiyas. First off - don't be deceived by the superficial surface appearances of "white picket fence" marriages. Any LT marriage will have ups and downs, sometimes quite significant ones. Many LT couples may be genuinely content, but there are plenty who aren't, and the travails of marriage are commonplace enough to be cliche. Who knows how many of these folks sleep apart, have "arrangements", can't stand each other but "stay for the kids", are physically or emotionally abusive, haven't had sex in years, sleep with other people to make themselves feel happier, spend most of the year apart, etc etc.

There are a few genuinely superbly happy couples, and a lot more that are reasonably happy, but some large percent really aren't that happy. Staying in a LTR boils down to a decision and those decisions may be made for many reasons, such as finances, family expectations, "keeping up appearances", even simple inertia, etc. LT marriages can sometimes feel like a tough slog.

Second point: Every man is a little bit different. Some want genuine love, others are more looking for an attractive "partner" without lots of emotion, some want wild sex, others want someone who'd make a good mom for their kids, still others want someone they can dominate or push around, or even be dominated/pushed around by. Some only go for very attractive women, while others won't go for very attractive women as they see risk and potential competition there. There's all sorts of variations. So I agree you should keep looking until you find the right guy. I do agree that you want more mature men than 20-somethings if you're looking for LTRs.

 

That isn't pathetic at all. That's men being naturally men. Dressing attractively send the message that you're looking for someone. Dressing down or frumpy makes you appear both less interested and less interesting. No reason at all to beat yourself up for playing the game correctly. You're finding men, just not the right ones so far.

It is possible that some men who might be emotionally sincere (and thus be good for LTRs) are a bit intimidated if you look too sexy. So, consider staying with the sexy, but toning it down just a bit. There are some guys who are shy around very attractive women, but are more confident around pretty attractive ones.

 

No, THAT would be a bad idea IMO. However, there is something to the idea that if the win is too easy, then the "prize" is valued less. That is a genuine psychological phenomenon. So, you'll want to walk a balancing act between TOO giving vs. being a prude. It can be a fine line. There no doubt ARE men who actually go for prudes, but you probably don't want to be with a guy like that anyhow, as that's clearly not you. Generally, you want to let him "win" you, but don't make it TOO easy for him. Be a bit of a challenge for him. Again it can be a fine line.

 

Possibly there is a perceived personality issue going on, but that's very hard to tell over a text forum. It is true that some if not many men will be more selective about personality (vs. looks) when it comes to going LT. If you come across as having an "undercurrent" of bitterness or frustration than that may be offputting for some of the men and may make them more cautious about going LT with you. Possibly you have a trusted friend who is secure enough to be completely honest with you and could give you feedback? Beyond that, I'd say be careful to vent any issues you have with people other than the BFs, such as BFFs instead. At least until a LTR is well established.

Overall, it's not an easy game, but at least you can look good. I suspect there are many women your age who would kill for the ability to dress up sexy and attract men. It's a big advantage.  Consider mixing up where and how you look for men, to maybe find those who are more the LTR type? Meetups? Volunteer groups? Maybe something along those lines.

 

Well, I could "try" to find the right guy, but how many rejections and blow to my ego can I deal with? Sure, I can go out on dates, why get my hopes up only to be show down within weeks? I work on my appearance only to get rejected days later, this makes me want to just dress like a slob and look homeless seeing the amount of money I spend on clothes and makeup. What good is that? Looks like I have 2 options, keep getting rejected or just give up on dating/finding the right one/and be used and passed around by 20 year old guys? 

Also, why be careful to who I vent my issues with other than close people until if ever things go well with a guy? A possibility of me getting jinxed or something? And if I want to challenge a guy, then I have to play hard to get, and tell him the busy excuse all the time? I don't get this challenge, I mean, that's the blow up/not interested excuse. If I'm interested in a guy, I'm not going to turn him down and not answer his texts for days. 

Edited February 28, 2020 by Metsgal

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Metsgal said:

I can't get a man to want to be with me, What these women have more to offer than I do because I don't have baggage or drama? What these women have more to offer than I do because I don't have baggage or drama? What do I have to do? Am I boring? Its not fair,  so now what I have to have some "checklist" to fake my personality?

Actually you have a ton of baggage and drama.  It's oozing through your writing and I'm sure men see it.   There's the bad choices with young guys, poor boundaries, thinking that FWB relationships might have some kind of security....and then there's all the anger and frustration.   If a single mom is happy and cheerful, frankly, she's got a better chance than you currently have.   

Have any of the men (besides the FWB who said you were behaving like a girlfriend) ever given you feedback on why they don't want to see you?  Of all these men, I reckon some have been frank about their decision.   Or did disagreements happen before you ended things?  Of the feedback you were given, which bits have you learned from?

 

1 hour ago, Metsgal said:

Also, why be careful to who I vent my issues with other than close people until if ever things go well with a guy? A possibility of me getting jinxed or something? 

The suggestion was about not venting to a boyfriend about your past of being rejected.  Nothing like bitterness to send a prospective new partner running for the hills.   

[nospam99]

OP, look in the mirror. Speaking generally of men who are seeking permanent relationships, basil wrote ''The want similar morals and ethics.'' I'm not in your demographic. But I am a man seeking a permanent relationship. For me, you do NOT have similar morals and ethics. Here on LS, where you are being open about yourself in ways you may not be when dating, you are also projecting pissedoffidness and entitlement. Do you do the same IRL when you date men who you want to want you? Only you can say. In my experience, people usually fail to avoid projecting their true selves. Even if it doesn't come across in their overt actions and words, it comes across in body language, facial expression, tone of voice, and offhand snarky remarks. Look at the men you DO attract. They are your behavioral counterparts. Are they attracting women who are looking for permanent relationships?