Boyfriend did a complete 180 out of nowhere

[As8988]

Hey - first time poster looking for an outsiders opinion.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. He has some issues with drugs and alcohol (not really an addiction but does them in excess on weekends) and is not in a great headspace right now with a few family deaths and being overworked. We have always had a good relationship with the occasional drunken fight here and there, and recently got back from an overseas trip which we both said was incredible and that we had the best time.

Basically I got annoyed at him for something the other night (we were leaving a party together and he decided to go to his friends house as we were waiting for the Uber so I got mad and walked off). The next day I sent him a message expressing concerns with the constant drug and alcohol use coming before our relationship. Now he’s done a complete 180, and blindsided me saying he feels nothing about our relationship (he said he feels blank) and that he just wants time to himself and to not be in a relationship. He says he can’t give me his time because he’s so exhausted. I want to believe this is because his mental state is bad and possible steering towards depression but I don’t know what to think. We are going away with friends this weekend so going to see how he feels after then, but I don’t see anything changing until he works on his mental state? He isn’t open to it because he is in such a downward spiral but I just feel at a loss. I’m not ready to lose him but I don’t know if he’s actually lost feelings for me or if he’s just struggling and pushing me away 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

This has very little to do with his mental state. Fact is, poor mental state or not, he doesn't want to be with you any longer. It's time for you to move on.

[k0ukla1995]

Hello, I was recently in a really similar situation. My boyfriend and I broke up due to a lot of fighting and he said almost the same exact thing to me at the end of the breakup. I have tried everything to get him back. He was once in love with me and that love seemed to vanish overnight. He also had a similar drinking problem, he was really depressed towards the end of our relationship and would drink his feelings away, which also drove me away because I found it unattractive. I'm still very in love with him because we went through a lot together, letting him go is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I would say believe him for now but I wouldn't lose hope. Give him space. Let time pass and maybe reach out in a week or two. Show genuine concern and that you care but don't come off needy. It sounds like there is still a chance

[As8988]

It’s really hard. A member of his family passed away on Friday night. It seems like this event is what caused this sudden change of heart (we were completely fine Friday night and before then). he struggles with expressing emotions and pretends to be fine. I just need to give him space to grieve I guess 

Edited February 18, 2020 by Cs888

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I think you're not being entirely honest with yourself. If everything was fine before Friday, there would be no need for a message like this: "The next day I sent him a message expressing concerns with the constant drug and alcohol use coming before our relationship."

Everything was clearly not fine, if you zoom out and look at the bigger picture. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who prioritizes substances over you. While circumstances may be compounding his stress, it really doesn't sound like he wants to be in a relationship. He's too wrapped up in what he wants, and doesn't have the desire to consider your thoughts and feelings. 

I think in time, you will see that this wasn't the right guy for you. 

[As8988]

Thanks guys that actually puts things in perspective for me! You’re right that he shouldn’t be putting partying before our relationship and probably isn’t capable of making me happy 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

This is probably the best way it could of ended from the sounds of things, grief can wreak havoc on those who are already out of sorts before the grieving even begins. 

[Daisydooks]

4 hours ago, Cs888 said:

but I don’t see anything changing until he works on his mental state?

You misspelled "addiction." I fixed this for you.

"but I don’t see anything changing until he works on his addiction."

When you start seeing the issue for what it is, you make better and more informed decisions about your own future. 

 

 

[Redhead14]

10 hours ago, Cs888 said:

saying he feels nothing about our relationship (he said he feels blank) and that he just wants time to himself and to not be in a relationship  . . . mental state is bad and possible

Sweetie, he's a drug/alcohol addict.  Of course, he feels nothing/blank.  That is the purpose of having an addiction . . . to feel nothing.  To shy away from difficult emotions.  And it works, unfortunately, there isn't a filter that only lets good emotions in -- good and bad emotions are blocked.

Let him do what he needs to do but I doubt very much he is going to be "working on his mental state" in a positive way.  What he wants is to be able to do whatever the heck he wants without being admonished or pulled on or asked to stop.  Right now, his only priorities are drugs/alcohol/HIMSELF Period.

Find yourself a guy who isn't a project.  It'll be so much more fun and rewarding.  You can't help this guy.  That's above your skill set.

 

Edited February 18, 2020 by Redhead14

[schlumpy]

Two scenarios:

He was looking for the moment to end the relationship and you walking off gave it to him.

or

He is choosing drugs/and alcohol over you because you are now in the way of his hearts desire.