how do I let go of someone I've been with for more than a decade?

[tonyp56]

Ok, here it goes, I've been with my wife for 11 years now, almost 7 of those years we have been married. I always believed that she was the one, and I thought she believed the same thing. Here we go, we have three kids, 6, 2, and 10 months, our youngest son (10 month old) was a big surprise, and my wife told me how she was unpleased about being pregnant again so quick. She didn't want a 3rd child (I don’t know if she wasn’t ready or if she just didn’t want anymore kids). She also got her tubes tide, and I feel like that, even though she didn’t want anymore kids made her feel worthless in some way—I don’t know.

 

Anyways, after he was born, she started showing that she wasn't happy, and about four months went by and she left me for two days. She said that it was because she didn't know if she wanted to be with me or not, and she told me about how unhappy she has been over the years. Up until this point I knew we had our moments, I mean I hadn't had a job for 3 years, however, I took care of our kids while she worked—and trying to better myself by taking college courses. I have sleep apnea (heavy sleeper, long sleeper, which interfered with previous jobs), which I've been trying to get taken care of (gone to three different doctors over the last 4 years trying to get it fixed), I have depression issues, short temper, etc. that I've also tried to work on over the years, but I thought when I did something wrong, and she said "I forgive you" that meant she forgave me. Suddenly she is dragging stuff up that happened a long time ago, and holding it against me, stuff that I thought we worked through.

 

On September 8th she woke up mad at me (I hadn't done nothing to her, she had been working a lot that week and she had been sleeping) and later she up and left. She then told me that she had been talking to her sister about leaving me for a while, and her sister offered her, her rent house. When she left me back in March, she told me what was making her unhappy, and to the best of my ability I tried to do what she wanted (more house work, helping her with dishes, etc.) and she told me that I was doing what she wanted, all the way up until she left me on September 8th. There was nothing that told me she was getting ready to leave.

 

I've since found out that she is seeing someone else, and that she has been seeing them since March. Now he has moved in with her, (and my kids, ahhh) and it just seems everyday she gets further and further away from me. I've told her I want to be friends for the kids sake, and that I don't want to argue with her anymore (I did what most would do, I tried to convince her to come home), that I just wanted her to be my friend, and that was the best thing to do for the kids. Which she has agreed to, but, she don't call, she don't act like she even cares that I am there, she only brings me the kids on the weekends (because she just had to go put them in daycare, and daycare charges her for everyday our youngest is not there—at least this is the excuse she gives me). I go over and visit with the kids but she acts like she doesn't want me there, and over all she just acts like I don't matter.

 

It drives me crazy to go over there and find him there, with my kids, and my wife. He is living there, not just visiting, but living there. I've been mister nice guy, I try to talk nice, and I don't get or allow her or him to see how upset I am. But it is taking so much out of me to hold it in. I've scheduled an appointment with a councilor, to talk about dealing with this, and about getting help with my depression and anger issues. But at this time it just seems so hopeless, it seems in my mind, no matter what I do, I won't be in my children’s lives like I was, to go from having them everyday, to having them on the weekends is killing me. I should say that she has agreed to joint custody (physical and legal), but even then, what if she decides to move away with this man to some other state, what then? No matter how it turns out, I won't get to be with my kids as much as I used to, not to even mention, I've lost my life partner, the person that I trusted with everything.

 

Now I don't think I'll ever be able to trust ANYONE, let alone her again. She won't even talk to me about us, so I am about 99% sure it is over. I don't want it to be, but she appears to want to be done with me. We've always agreed on when our relationship started, but now she is belittling that, by saying that the first year didn't even count. She is also telling me she was never attracted to me (which I guess means, like she is towards this other man), which I don’t' know if I trust that, of course he is more exciting, he is new, but it still hurts. I started asking her why she was hurting me so much and she said because she wanted me to stop wanting her. I feel like the reason why she is bringing up the past is because she is trying to convince herself why she doesn't want to be with me, because she argues it so hard. You can't get a word in edge wise when she starts telling me how horrible I've been. (I've made mistakes, but I wasn't that bad--I never beat her, never even slapped her, I always told her she was beautiful, sexy, smart, not fat, and I've always tried to make her look at herself positively)

 

How do I let her go? How do I just throw away 11 years of my life over night? She's done it, why can't I—I am tired of the hurt? Will she someday wake up and smell the coffee, and realize how wrong she was? Or am I just wishing for something that is gone? I really don't know that even if she was to run home to me right now, that I would take her back, but I'd like to know that she had feelings for someone that was there for her when she gave birth to all three of our kids, that changed dirty diapers, that walked the floor with our daughter when she wouldn't sleep—my wife needed to go to work the next day, the person that carried in ALL of the groceries 99% of the time, did all of the outside work, who forgave her for not one, but three different affairs—and always remained faithful to her (she was my first and only!!!). Now she did a lot for me and put up with my depression/anger/anxieties, I have to say that, but she is the one that threw it all away for some other man that had an affair with a married women—her! I was no angel, but I always loved her with all of my heart, and I guess that is why it hurts me so much. I don’t recognize her anymore; she doesn’t act like she did before. She keeps telling me how happy she is without me, which kills me. I don’t know where it all went wrong, but somewhere along the way I lost her.

 

Any thoughts, comments, etc. welcome. More or less, how do I let her go, how do I move on with my life, how do I deal with the pain, and generally, how do I get past this. I feel like I am in a very dark place, and I don’t know that I can find my way out.

 

Thanks, and sorry so long.

Tony

[Falcon554]

Go here http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html, you might get some good advice. Im so sorry man, its got to suck hard. Im fighting to keep my marriage alive, my wife had an affair but it ended badly. But im still fighting with all my might to keep it alive.

 

She may comeout of what they say is a "fog". You need to work on yourself, make yourself a better man, I have to myself. has she filed for divorce yet?

 

Good luck, if you love her fight for her untill your heart cant take it anymore, you will know when that is, im getting close to that point myself but not yet. The pain is hell, they tears come all day long, I know i know and god it sucks.

 

Good luck

 

Scott

[reservoirdog1]

Hey Tony... like you, I was with my XW for 11 years, married for seven. Then she dropped the bomb, had been a serial cheat, had been miserable since the beginning. We have two kids. The difference is, I didn't know she was a cheat until then.

 

You forgave her for three affairs. I'm assuming that means you found out about one, forgave her, and then she had another. Forgiving the second one officially made you her doormat. She abused your trust once. You forgave her. Then she abused not only your trust, but your forgiveness. And then, she did it AGAIN. Frankly, pal, she's evil. She's a cancer on your life. She's poison. And she doesn't seem to regret anything she did to you.

 

Frankly, if you want her back -- or even if you don't -- you need to stop being a doormat. Being friends with an ex is great in theory. But you don't need to be buddy-buddy with her for the kids' best interest. All that their best interests require is that you and she not fight in their presence and not criticize or insult the other parent to them. And you especially don't need a friend like her. What she needs -- and deserves -- is cold civility from you. You need respect from her, and you need to regain your self-respect. Your cloying attempts to be friends with her out of a misguided notion that the kids will suffer if you don't is serving no benefit and hurting you in the process.

 

You need to show her that -- outwardly at least -- you're writing her out of your life. You need to get in shape (if you're not already) and get out there and date. Rebuild your confidence. Don't allow your selfish ex to continue to beat you into the ground. Right now she thinks she has you pegged -- that everything she thought about you was dead on. That's very comforting for her. Prove her wrong. Spread your wings. Do things that she never figured you would do or were interested in. That will keep her unbalanced and unsure of her decision. And that will cause her to respect you more.

 

Where I live, when determining custody, the court looks at what's in the best interests of the children. And evidence that one parent is a lying cheat makes the court look more favourably on the other. Who's to say that you have to let her move to another state with the kids? They're yours too. DON'T let her call all the shots. Fight for your rights. Demand the children 50% of the time. And if she tries to screw you, fight back. Fight dirty if you have to. Don't just roll over and let her take everything, including your kids. If you have to (and haven't already), tell your family what she did during the marriage. Tell her friends. Or, at least, threaten to.

 

At the end of the day, you can look in the mirror and know that you're a good person who honours his commitments. And that, as long as she lives, she will never find somebody who will love her as much as you once did. You won't have that problem.

[tonyp56]

Falcon,

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement, and for the link I will check it out. No she hasn't filled for a divorce yet. I don't know when that is coming, but she hasn't yet. I went to go see councilor today, and I will continue with that, and I've got a job lined up, so I am trying to work on myself. Thanks again.

 

reservoirdog1

 

Thanks a million; sometimes when someone feels all alone they don't know how to get out of what they are in. You are right, I shouldn't let her walk on me, and thanks for being blunt with me. That helps me see what I need to do, and gives me somewhere to start at least. I know that I can make it; it is just going to take me some time. I've actually already got 1 date, and I told her about it, which she asked me like three times "are you serious?" So I know that got to her, but in the end it isn't about getting back at her, it is about me moving on. Thanks

[Scott S]

You stated that you have issues with depression. Do you know whether she does?

 

Anyways, after he was born, she started showing that she wasn't happy, and about four months went by and she left me for two days. She said that it was because she didn't know if she wanted to be with me or not, and she told me about how unhappy she has been over the years.

 

This part would suggest she may be suffering with post-partum depression. I realize you have had issues going for several years, but adding this into the mixture certainly wouldn't improve anything.

 

Depression is tricky. It's not simply a matter of "snap out of it!" It's a serious medical condition that requires medical treatment. It may or may not be too late to save your relationship, but treating this will definitely improve the quality of life for you & her regardless.

[trickynj99]

tony - good luck to you...your tale is tough..

 

i am working to save my loveless marraige as well..one thing i have found is that the only time i am getting any results is when I MOVE AWAY FROM HER

 

as soon as i stopped the i love you's and hugs and 3 calls a day, her tune changed.. i have other issues as well i wont bore you with but if you can do it i think it is a very real option.. the best way i was told to think about it was this

 

whatever you are doing now(ie kissing her butt) isnt working so you gotta go in a different direction,,,, any way good luck

[tonyp56]

You stated that you have issues with depression. Do you know whether she does?

 

 

 

This part would suggest she may be suffering with post-partum depression. I realize you have had issues going for several years, but adding this into the mixture certainly wouldn't improve anything.

 

Depression is tricky. It's not simply a matter of "snap out of it!" It's a serious medical condition that requires medical treatment. It may or may not be too late to save your relationship, but treating this will definitely improve the quality of life for you & her regardless.

 

 

I think she is depressed and I think postpartum depression just added to it, but she doesn't seem ready or willing to get help. I've taken the first step, and hopefully, I will be able to get some much needed help for myself. Your 100% right, I should have taken care of this long ago and perhaps her depression wouldn't have added such a strain, but when your in a hole, it is hard to admit that, and ask for help. Her leaving me may have been the best thing for me--by driving me over the edge so to speak, I hope we can work it out, but perhaps I will be able to get help for myself, and no matter what happens between us, that has to be the first step to getting on with my life. I am going to give it my all, even if in the end I am without her.

[tonyp56]

tony - good luck to you...your tale is tough..

 

i am working to save my loveless marraige as well..one thing i have found is that the only time i am getting any results is when I MOVE AWAY FROM HER

 

as soon as i stopped the i love you's and hugs and 3 calls a day, her tune changed.. i have other issues as well i wont bore you with but if you can do it i think it is a very real option.. the best way i was told to think about it was this

 

whatever you are doing now(ie kissing her butt) isnt working so you gotta go in a different direction,,,, any way good luck

 

Thanks for the luck, I think I will need it. Good luck to you as well.

 

Yeah, I've found it is much easier to pull away from her, she is more friendly with me when I do talk to her, and she doesn't pull away from me when I just happen to get a couple of inches from her. I found that the more I fought her to come home, the more she fought me to stay gone. So I have to agree with you on that. However, the less I spend with her, it seems the further she pulls away from me, in other words, the more distant she becomes. Yes, she's more friendly with me, but it is like the last 11 years never happened, and it is hard just to sit there and take it. I am hopeful that she will see me moving on with my life and she will wake up. But like I said, I don't really know that I would take her back after what she has done. I keep asking myself, "do I really want to spend my life with someone that was so willing to hurt me, and was so willing to walk all over me when it wasn't convenient for her to stay with me?" But on the other hand, I was with her 11 years, and I've found that there is a lot of stuff that reminds me of her, I can't watch a stupid movie without thinking, "I bet she'd like this". I guess I will cross that bridge when and if it comes, but for right now, I am still in that shock phase, I feel like a chicken with its head cut off, not knowing what to do.

 

Thanks,

[Trimmer]

tonyp -

 

I've been together 18 yrs, married 13, 2 kids, wife had an A about 10 yrs ago, we moved on from that, had the kids, she was still the love of my life, and I thought it was mutual... 7 months ago, she started out with "want to see a counselor", then "don't love you, don't want to see a counselor", then "don't want to be married any more", and then through some sleuthing on my part I find out she's been having at least an EA, possibly a PA that had its roots as much as 2 years ago. As reserviordog puts it, the second time, I have to decide if I want to be a doormat...

 

What I've found, and why I have hope for you, is that working on my future and looking forward makes me feel healthiest. When you say things like

 

...perhaps I will be able to get help for myself, and no matter what happens between us, that has to be the first step to getting on with my life. I am going to give it my all, even if in the end I am without her.

 

and also

 

...but in the end it isn't about getting back at her, it is about me moving on.

 

I just want to cheer you on - it sounds to me like you have the seeds of a healthy start here.

 

I have days, hours, moments, that suck miserably - and I've found that it's usually time I spend thinking about what I "could have done" or what I "should have said" or how I was wronged, or if I give in to masochistically doing detective work trying to figure out further details of what the h*ll she's doing with her life now that she has separated herself emotionally from me.

 

And then I have days, hours and moments that are uplifting and even joyous - time I spend working towards a new vision of my future (did you see the movie "City Slickers"? I get "do-overs!"), or time I spend enjoying being around my dear children, or just time I spend enjoying some simple pleasure right now - appreciating the present moment - that I might have been missing before.

 

The more I realize that looking forward makes me feel better ( vs. the things that make me feel worse), I feel stronger and more in control of my own destiny.

 

Good luck, it's a roller coaster, and you have to ride it out, but when it's down, remember that it will come back up.

[tonyp56]

tonyp -

 

I've been together 18 yrs, married 13, 2 kids, wife had an A about 10 yrs ago, we moved on from that, had the kids, she was still the love of my life, and I thought it was mutual... 7 months ago, she started out with "want to see a counselor", then "don't love you, don't want to see a counselor", then "don't want to be married any more", and then through some sleuthing on my part I find out she's been having at least an EA, possibly a PA that had its roots as much as 2 years ago. As reserviordog puts it, the second time, I have to decide if I want to be a doormat...

 

What I've found, and why I have hope for you, is that working on my future and looking forward makes me feel healthiest. When you say things like

 

 

 

and also

 

 

 

I just want to cheer you on - it sounds to me like you have the seeds of a healthy start here.

 

I have days, hours, moments, that suck miserably - and I've found that it's usually time I spend thinking about what I "could have done" or what I "should have said" or how I was wronged, or if I give in to masochistically doing detective work trying to figure out further details of what the h*ll she's doing with her life now that she has separated herself emotionally from me.

 

And then I have days, hours and moments that are uplifting and even joyous - time I spend working towards a new vision of my future (did you see the movie "City Slickers"? I get "do-overs!"), or time I spend enjoying being around my dear children, or just time I spend enjoying some simple pleasure right now - appreciating the present moment - that I might have been missing before.

 

The more I realize that looking forward makes me feel better ( vs. the things that make me feel worse), I feel stronger and more in control of my own destiny.

 

Good luck, it's a roller coaster, and you have to ride it out, but when it's down, remember that it will come back up.

 

Thanks for the post, and words of encouragement. Yeah, it is a roller coaster, it seems like (right now) I am up, then I am down, back up and down all in a minute or two. Really and truly all I care about is my kids, and I've found when they are with me, I really don't think about it that much. Sometimes missing having another parent there, but I feel much better with them than without them. Problem with that, well I've only been getting them two days out of every week, which drives me crazy.

[Falcon554]

I guess I was lucky I have seen my daughter almost everyday since this crap started, but we got in a big fight last weekend and I did not see her for 3 days this week

 

Hell its so hard, all of it. I cry somedays and somedays im ok just depends on what im doing. I have not given up hope yet, sometimes these things take time but man it hurts so much.

[aaa]

I agree, its hard, my son is almost 16 and he prefers to be with his father. Thank God he's approaching adulthood, unlike with smaller children. My husband wants custody and I'm not going to fight. I look it like in 2 years, he'll decide where he'll be, but then he's off to college.

[tonyp56]

I guess I was lucky I have seen my daughter almost everyday since this crap started, but we got in a big fight last weekend and I did not see her for 3 days this week

 

Hell its so hard, all of it. I cry somedays and somedays im ok just depends on what im doing. I have not given up hope yet, sometimes these things take time but man it hurts so much.

 

 

Yes it is hard, very hard, and add to that the fact I am trying to keep my mouth shut so that we don't get in a fight and then go three, four, etc. days without seeing my kids. Early on, I'd fight with her, trying to get her to come home, and the more I fought, the further she got (and the less she would allow me to be around or the less she would be around me, which if I want to see the kids, I kind of have no choice but to be around her), therefore I've been trying not to bring up us, and instead talk about the kids, or some movie, in other words I try to remain neutral. But sometimes it is hard. I have found the more I don't offer her, like the date I told her I had the other night (never did anything, just had a drink), the crazier it drives her. I know that it is driving her crazy not knowing what I am doing, which in way, is my way of holding something out of her reach. But thanks to reservoirdog1, I have chosen not to be her door mat, and I refuse to play her mind games. If she wants me back, she will have to be the one that comes to me, I've already said my peace with her, therefore, she will have to be the one that comes to me, and even if she does, I don't know that I'd accept her back now (don't know I wouldn't either).

 

I like you have good days and bad days, like I said before it seems to change almost second by second. But I have to say it is getting better, I am starting to move past this.