Was I dating a narcissist?

[AngelM]

Hi,

 

I am a year out of an extremely toxic relationship that left me feeling completely depleted, used, devalued, depressed and anxious. I have been reading into NPD recently and it is hitting very close to home. I genuinely believed i was the problem in my last relationship, and it drove me to suicidal feelings, reactive abuse and all sorts of behaviours that i do not engage in during my everyday life. In short, i felt completely crazy, unsettled and unhinged. I know it's extremely hard to identify and diagnose when someone has a personality disorder, especially narcissism, but I am curious to hear thoughts on whether my ex could have been displaying some of these traits. Some examples of his behaviour below: 

1. The beginning of our relationship moved extremely fast which i can now identify firmly as "lovebombing"; in the first few weeks of seeing eachother he had all but moved into my flat, and made many grand gestures. He used to complement me all the time and make me feel amazing, and i always felt like he put me on a pedestal, which i was not comfortable with at all. He definitely bulldozed his way into my life, and at the time i was so caught up with it that i thought it was romantic. 
2. When problems started to show in the relationship, we could never seem to maturely resolve anything and our arguments used to drag on for days and explode into something massive. He would constantly blame me for the arguments, call me over-sensitive, criticize me for nagging him and being constantly unhappy, and he would never apologize nor take any accountability for his actions. 
3. He used the silent treatment with me on many occasions, especially after big arguments. Sometimes he would block me off every form of communication, and disappear, only re-appearing when he was ready to speak, and of course to hear me apologize. 
4. He was hypocritical of me - he would criticize many of my personality traits and even the physical expressions on my face, throughout the relationship. He would criticize me for the way i spent my own money, and would say he worried about our future together because of how badly i handled finances (may i add he was constantly in debt, needing bailing out from either me or his parents whereas i was actually putting money aside) 
5. He had substance abuse problems and would lie to me consistently about stupid things
6. Anytime he was unhappy, he would blame me or the relationship
7. He used phrases such as, "even my friends think you're crazy"; "i don't have these problems with anyone else"; "why are you always so miserable"; "why can't you ever let anything go"; "i will have a life of unhappiness with you"; "you're crazy"; "if you can't be happy with me, you won't be happy with anyone" etc.
8. Toward the end of our relationship, he become more verbally abusive during arguments, sometimes things would get physical but then he would blame me for the escalation 
9. He acted like a child when he did not get his own way; he often used money and finances to emotionally blackmail me. For example, when we spoke about him moving into my flat (which i own) he suggested that we open a joint bank account, and that instead of him paying me rent, he would put the money into a joint account that "we" could use for "our" future. Essentially, he didn't feel comfortable paying me rent money. He said this was the only way we would move forward together, and did not give me any room for negotiation.
10. His "gifts" would always come with a condition; for example, when we first started dating he bought us a weekend away on the condition that i would let him move into my flat and save money for the month. He then proceeded to stay with me for 3 months, completely overstaying his welcome, and during that time did not contribute financially to bills or otherwise. 
11. He would start fights and attack me in front of his family, and then i would flip out and his parents would think i was the problem. He said he was under great pressure to break up with me from his parents. His parents never defended me during these arguments, and always made me feel horrendous. Similarly, he would never come to my defense in any situation, in fact, the opposite is true.
12. He would always talk over me or cut me off in group settings, and sometimes speak on my behalf
13. Everytime we had even the smallest argument, he would make grand statements that he was unhappy and it was because of me, and we would never work. He constantly threatened to leave me and i was always on edge trying to ensure this would not happen. 
14. When he eventually did leave me, he did so in a very abrupt and brutal way. He snuck out of my flat while i was at work and left me a note. Then 6 months later he came crawling back with a lot of grand statements about how he regretted everything, how much he has changed, and claimed that he felt rejected when i did not come after him. He also stated he felt he wasn't good enough for me, that i made him feel insecure. 
15. I found out he was seeing someone two weeks after he left me, and have a feeling he cheated on me. He is now in his second relationship in the space of a year, and it has really thrown me. 
16. I self-harmed when i was with him because my depression and anxiety got so bad - he freaked out when i had a meltdown and abandoned me in my time of need. He gave me the silent treatment until i eventually apologised and sought therapy. 
17. He would make comments about my close friends, such as "she's hard work isn't she" (in reference to my childhood best friend); i have a bad relationship with my sister that has nothing to do with him, but he would call her crazy and encourage me to cut ties.
18. He would constantly gaslight me; one example, an argument we had one night when he was drunk stemming from something he said to upset me, that led to a torrent of verbal abuse from him. He claimed he never said that thing, and even though i insisted until i was blue in the face that he did, he continued to deny it. 

It is slowly dawning on me that perhaps i was in a relationship with a narc. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but so much of what i went through fits this picture and makes sense. I remember always telling him, i don't feel like i'm ever good enough for you and i don't even know if you love me. My emotions were never, ever a consideration during our relationship, and i even had to hide therapy from him because he thought there was something wrong with me for going long term. I felt like i had to "fix" myself to be with him. I felt extremely isolated and alone when with him, as if I lost myself in the relationship and forgot my worth. He lacked any capacity to show me empathy and i seriously wondered at some points whether he might be a sociopath because of his complete lack of emotions.   

I would love to hear thoughts on this because it's a tough thing to digest and i don't know if i'm missing the mark completely here. Or if, perhaps, i really am the one who is the problem. 

I can't understand how he would have NPD, because he comes from an extremely close family and his parents treat him like absolute gold and he has never been abused. But nothing else makes sense right now. 

Thank you. 

[Redhead14]

1 hour ago, AngelM said:

I can't understand how he would have NPD, because he comes from an extremely close family and his parents treat him like absolute gold and he has never been abused. But nothing else makes sense right now. 

Thank you. 

True NPD is fairly rare, but it's out there.  NPD is also not necessarily the result of poor family history or abuse either.  However, the fact remains that there is many a household that appears on the outside to be happy and healthy, but behind the door the fact is that it is quite dysfunctional.  People who live in dysfunctional households work very hard to make it all look good to the world . . .   He may have kept some secrets even from his family that affected him negatively.  You can't know for sure.

Nevertheless, it doesn't really matter if he has diagnosable NPD, what's important is that you weren't happy in the relationship and that you are now on your way to moving forward.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

One lesson from this..... if it feels 'off' in a dating situation, discontinue.

[Lotsgoingon]

That's the wrong question. The better question (the only real question) is how can you get to a point where any one of those behaviors leads you to take a stand and leave the relationship?

Narcissists or just jerks search out people who will put up with their meanness ... Learn to say no. Learn to decide for yourself that you are not feeling good about things and thus you can stop the relationship. This is hard if you're not used to it. But you can get there.

Whenever I'm trying to diagnose a partner, that simply means I'm making excuses for staying in a bad relationship. 

Good luck. 

[CloudyHead]

First and foremost, he is an addict (you stated he had substance abuse problems) so he struggles on a daily basis with addiction - note, that does not excuse his treatment of you but it may explain some of his behaviors.  Next, he sounds immature as you listed several examples of immature behavior (i.e. blaming you, acting like a child).  Lastly, he is an a**hole.  You never had a chance to have a healthy loving relationship with him.  And, no matter how patient you were, how loving you were, how kind you were . . . He is who he is and you cannot change him and make him a better person.  

I suggest that you stop dwelling on the relationship.  Stop thinking that you were the problem.  Focus on how grateful you are that he is out of your life and is someone else's problem.  Aren't you glad that the stress of the relationship and his treatment of you is over?  You have learned valuable lessons from the relationship that will help you avoid entering into a future relationship with an immature man, an addict and/or an a**hole.

[Calmandfocused]

Op 

I have a history of being in abusive relationships. 
 

Since the last one (horrendous) relationship ended, I have made a substantial effort and commitment to help and educate myself in the dynamics of abusive/ narcissistic relationships so I never end up in this situation ever again. 
 

The answer is yes. These are traits are narcissism and narcissistic abuse. I urge you to read/ listen to some of the work by H.G. Tudor, a diagnosed narcissist. It will give you a wealth of insight and you will find the answers to “why”. I also recommend that you read Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that”. 
 

In my opinion NPD is vastly undiagnosed. By the very nature of what it is, individuals who suffer from this do not believe there is any problem with them so they are unlikely to seek diagnosis and treatment. I believe that the prevalence is as high as 1 in 10-20. 
 

The fact his parents worshipped him will for sure have contributed to his highly inflated sense of self. 
 

However whether he is a narc or not is mostly irrelevant as far as you’re concerned. What is relevant is the aftermath and how this has affected you. See a therapist immediately who specialises in victims of narcissistic abuse. Your aim is to recover and rebuild what he has taken from you. 
 

Always remember that you will be vulnerable to these individuals. They can sniff a new potential empath a mile away. Equip yourself so you successfully avoid men like your ex in the future. 
 

You’ve got this. Help yourself and put this loser in the past like he belongs. 

[AngelM]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op 

I have a history of being in abusive relationships. 
 

Since the last one (horrendous) relationship ended, I have made a substantial effort and commitment to help and educate myself in the dynamics of abusive/ narcissistic relationships so I never end up in this situation ever again. 
 

The answer is yes. These are traits are narcissism and narcissistic abuse. I urge you to read/ listen to some of the work by H.G. Tudor, a diagnosed narcissist. It will give you a wealth of insight and you will find the answers to “why”. I also recommend that you read Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that”. 
 

In my opinion NPD is vastly undiagnosed. By the very nature of what it is, individuals who suffer from this do not believe there is any problem with them so they are unlikely to seek diagnosis and treatment. I believe that the prevalence is as high as 1 in 10-20. 
 

The fact his parents worshipped him will for sure have contributed to his highly inflated sense of self. 
 

However whether he is a narc or not is mostly irrelevant as far as you’re concerned. What is relevant is the aftermath and how this has affected you. See a therapist immediately who specialises in victims of narcissistic abuse. Your aim is to recover and rebuild what he has taken from you. 
 

Always remember that you will be vulnerable to these individuals. They can sniff a new potential empath a mile away. Equip yourself so you successfully avoid men like your ex in the future. 
 

You’ve got this. Help yourself and put this loser in the past like he belongs. 

Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. The reason I’m even thinking about this is not because I haven’t moved on with my life, but to understand what I need to be wary of in the future, and I think this type of insidious manipulation and abuse is extremely hard to detect early on. Obviously I am much more equipped to understand and see it now, but I just wanted to hear whether anyone else had had similar experiences because I was reading around the subject of NPD more generally and it dawned on me that this could be what I was dealing with. I fully intend to continue therapy and working on myself, but education is key for me. Thanks again x 

[MsJayne]

Yes, certainly sounds like it. I'm not a mental health expert, but I did grow up with an NPD parent, and also tended to be drawn to narcissistic people when younger as a result of being 'groomed' to take the crap, so I figure that makes me a bit of an expert on these vile people. You describe the feelings associated with being involved with a narcissist very well, they bring out the worst in you because they make you so angry that you start acting like you're the crazy one...and then they go around telling people how crazy you are in a "see what I have to deal with" kind of way, usually painting themselves as a caring-but-hard-done-by saint. They destabilise you with their emotional and psychological abuse and once you're right off balance, (doubting your own sanity), they come in for the kill. And they do kill people, not physically, but these A-holes murder peoples souls and can cause serious depression if allowed to continue the abuse.  Anyway, sounds like he's mummy and daddy's Golden Child, and it's very likely that one or both of his parents are a narcissist as well, and one or both of their parents, and so on and so forth. It's an insidious condition and there's nowhere near enough public knowledge about it because these people are very dangerous in the sense that they, literally, are capable of driving those close to them to suicide.  I would describe being targeted by a narcissist as like being sentenced to death for a crime you didn't commit but have no way of proving your innocence because the narc has successfully smeared you to the judge, the jury, and the press gallery.  It's far more common than people realise, and it's unfortunate that's it's such a complex and easily hidden mental illness because these people always cause havoc in the lives of others.  It's pointless confronting the narcissist with their behaviour and trying to make them take responsibility, because they can't. At the core of their behaviour is subconscious self-loathing on a grand scale,  counteracted by a conscious belief that they're superior and perfect. Try and force them to face reality and you'll find out what narcissistic rage is.....don't go there. 

[primer]

 

I was in a relationship similar to yours. (Maybe it's the same guy. LOL)

Are you questioning why you put up with that behavior? That's the issue I have. Perhaps I had no boundaries. I tried ending it a few times and he would convince me that he would improve his behavior - and I foolishly believed him.

After I finally got him to move out of my house, he continued hoovering me. Even though he was dating someone else two weeks later, he still hoovered. People say ghosting is bad, but I had to ghost him. He would not take no for an answer. I had to block his calls and now when I see him (small town), I act like I don't know him. In my mind, I took the high road.

Good luck and be glad you got out of that relationship. Maybe it was a learning experience. You learned what NOT to put up with.

 

 

[Commongoal123]

Hard yes, OP.

You have 18 solid examples of narcissistic abuse.

On that note, a narcissist can come from not only an abusive family, but also one where they are a golden child.

[Lotsgoingon]

I wonder: my gut says this type of behavior is easy to detect early on. But ... the main point is that yes, the narcissistic behavior may be subtle aft first. 

What is required is for the partner to develop more sensitive radar ... For example, when you start a relationship, do not go out of your way to seek agreement. If something strikes you as strange (even if you have no understanding of why) you want to speak up, ask questions. You want to voice your views ... early on ... from music and favorite movies ... to ... whether you like the food in front of you ... to politics ... 

And you have to tune into numbness ... lots of people get into relationships and don't feel great ... but give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt. NO! ... Actually early on, you want to give no one the benefit of the doubt. I'll go binary here--either you feel really good or you don't. A good step for avoiding narcissists and others like them is to assume anytime you're not feeling "really good" or "really great" with the person = feeling bad. To do this, you have to be comfortable with pausing a relationship ... voicing objection ... standing your ground ... initiating a confrontation ... setting a boundary ... and, most of all, comfortable with dumping the other person. 

You have to be fully comfortable being single ... really love your life enough ... to say no to anything that doesn't wildly improve your life.