Dandygirl Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) Hello, so I have never ever gone to a forum seeking some type of advice. But, I’m in a pickle. A big one! My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, we live together on his grandpas property. We have horses, cows and dogs. And share just about every interest and hobby! Everything sounds amazing! But behind closed doors there’s a lot of issues and we fight frequently. 99% of our fights is because of my feelings and emotions. He does not care about what they are, he literally thinks they are ridiculous and stupid. For example, yesterday he stayed home from work bc he wasn’t feeling well. I made him Téa in bed and took him some crackers. When he got up he started organizing some stuff and cleaning stuff in the house, as was I. And when he laid on the couch, I told him “I needed to cuddle”, because I have been going through a lot with my family who is screwed up. And he said no to cuddling bc he doesn’t feel good. So ok, whatever right? But then as soon as I got up to do more dishes and cleaning he jumps onto his phone, social media. And I made the comment of “so you can’t cuddle your own girlfriend but you can be on your phone”? Bc he’s always on social media, where I don’t really use any. But I have some apps. And he flipped out. Calling me names and all this hurtful stuff. He always just jumps to insulting me, breaking up with me, and some serious anger issues. He says that I always do and say annoying things and make him mad. And then everything is my fault. Then threatens to kick me and my animals out and all this crap. So, I can literally never have a mature, adult conversation with him. He ALWAYS gets angry and starts yelling and calling me hurtful names and says hurtful things. He never ever sees anything that he does wrong either. Literally never. So absolutely everything in our relationship is my fault. He has said before that he wants me to be “submissive”, and he says that I act like the man in the relationship. He wants me to ask him for help with things(because that makes him feel like the man), and then I ask for help with things, then in an argument he says that I can’t do anything for myself...? I can’t think for myself, or take care of myself. Yet, he says that I’m very independent.. sooo... what the hell?? It makes him mad when he talks to me about something that I’m doing that’s annoying to him, and I ask him how he would have liked me to say it? That pisses him off, but I’m asking because I care about what he wants. He keeps saying that he has very little patience for me because of all the stuff I do to annoy him and make him mad. But he is always annoyed at anything and everything. So what do I do? He says that I am a completely different person than when we first met. I’m not sweet, loving or nice. But we don’t even go long enough before something I do, makes him mad. So I can never just be his girlfriend. I feel like he nit picks at me. He thinks that In the past he did talk to me about whatever I did that annoyed him, but no. He has always resorted to calling me names and being rude. He says that I make him all of these things, but I can’t make him react or act in any way? That’s all him. I can’t control how he reacts to something. So this fight, I thought was over last night bc we went to bed smiling and what I thought was fine. Is not fine. He has a tendency to drag these situations on. So the following day he’s going crazy and being rude. He is telling me what he needs from me, and that’s to be a good girlfriend, be sweet, not say annoying stuff. And while we were on the phone he’s saying all of this, and I’m saying stuff back like, “well can you please stop being rude and insulting me” and he says that I’m making him that way. The thing about him, is that if something doesn’t go absolutely perfect in his eyes. Then It’s a fight, argument. Everything bad. so, I am to the point where I don’t know what to do. We can’t have mature conversations. He says everything is my fault. He doesn’t care to listen to my side, how I see things or anything. I know I can be difficult. And the things I say sometimes are annoying, but it’s because of how I want affection and attention. But instead he gets on his phone. That makes me feel very unimportant. I don’t know what to do anymore. There’s so many more problems but of course, it’s all bc of me. We’re not talking right now. But tonight when he gets home he said that I need to be nothing but a good girlfriend. And he wants me to beg to stay here to show him that “I want to be here and be with him”.. wtf.. beg? And to SHOW that I am sorry for being a pain yesterday and saying annoying stuff. He’s very immature. And He says that no one will ever put up with my attitude. And I will realize it one day. And that I’m never gonna be with someone like him again. And one time he said I’m never gonna be with anyone ever again bc I’m such a pain... I am a very nice person. With a huge heart. I care about others before myself. I cook, clean, work hard. I do a lot!! I’m a happy person with a great life and hobbies. I have always been very appreciative of my boyfriend for everything he does to help me. And I’m not just saying any of this to make myself look good. He is a good man too. But he has some serious issues. And I know I’m no walk in the park. But I have always taken my actions into accountability. I don’t know what to do anymore.. at all.. if anyone is interested in talking about this with me, I have other things that have happened as well. But I do not know what to do. I don’t think I deserve this? Or is he right? Am I just annoying? Is all I do say annoying s***?? Hellllllp!! also, I’m sorry this is SOOOOO long! Edited February 19, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs and language Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) He's abusive. I would say he's gaslighting you, but he's right up front that he wants it all his way all the time and doesn't give a crap what you want! You can't make him change. He's decided this is who he wants to be and wants all the say in the relationship and is never wrong. He is very likely narcissistic, but whether that's his real condition or not, -- there is no doubt he is abusive and uncompromising and no one should stay with a person like that! Start finding yourself another place to keep all your babies. And meanwhile, use birth control so you don't get tied to him for life. Edited February 18, 2020 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 Other then a place to keep your animals what do you get out of this relationship? He sounds controlling & yet you put up with it. It will stop when you get fed up enough to walk 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dandygirl Posted February 18, 2020 Author Share Posted February 18, 2020 Also, I know I said this. But he is a good man. When we are not going through something he and I are like a dream come true. It’s like he cannot control his anger. And I’ve tried talking to him about it. But it ends in him blaming me for how he’s acting. The hard part is, he is a great man. And helps me when I need it, he would do anything for me. But is his issues just a anger and control thing? He’d be happier if I had no feelings or emotions and if I never expressed them to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dandygirl Posted February 18, 2020 Author Share Posted February 18, 2020 I’m at the point where I want to walk. I’m already looking into other places. I’m adventurous, so moving isn’t scary to me, and I’m looking to move to Texas from Oregon. and yes, I am on birth control! For sure!!! Lol Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 He's not a great man. A great man would care about your feelings & not blame you for his actions / reactions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dandygirl Posted February 18, 2020 Author Share Posted February 18, 2020 Meaning a great man, as in everything he does for me. But besides that, no. Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 56 minutes ago, Dandygirl said: Also, I know I said this. But he is a good man. When we are not going through something he and I are like a dream come true. What are some of the good things about your relationship? I feel you're being vague about them. All I've got so far is that you have a lot of shared interests. Aside from that, his treatment of you and your feelings is the hard reality of being with this guy. You shouldn't have to put up with that just for the sake of being in a relationship. There's lots in your original post, but one quote toward the end is that he expects you to be "nothing but a good girlfriend". Is it not reasonable for you to expect him to be nothing but a good boyfriend? If he isn't, then his expectations for your relationship are seriously one sided, and it seems like he's unwilling to change that, so you can base whatever you decide on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dandygirl Posted February 18, 2020 Author Share Posted February 18, 2020 He is very closed minded and one sided. He thinks that if it is not absolutely perfect, then it’s just worthless and s***ty. And it’s with everything. We took a trip to the coast a few months back and we went to like 3-4 restaurants just looking for clam chowder bread bowls but none made them. So we ended up going to a super nice restaurant and he was just beyond pissed because it wasn’t exactly what he imagined. I cried at dinner because he was just no negative. And to me, why not make the best out of it? Enjoy each other’s presence and have fun. But instead, if it’s not perfect or what he imagined then it’s trash. And that’s almost how he makes me feel. I actually am currently looking to move now. I am tired of always being the bad guy. He does not see anything wrong with himself. It’s damned if I do, and damned if I don’t, with him. Earlier we had talked on the phone and he said that he didn’t want to talk until he got home from work tonight and he actually ended up just hanging up on me. So, I just let it be bc he was super angry and there’s no point in talking to someone like that. And just now, he calls me and is “breaking up” with me because apparently I’m not trying. I’m not doing anything that he wants me to do. I’m not “begging” to keep this relationship. Says him. But yet, I was doing EXACTLY what he asked, which was to not talk. And there was an instance earlier on today with the exact same thing, just a different conversation. Nothing is ever good enough for him.. even if I do what he asked... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 1 hour ago, Dandygirl said: Meaning a great man, as in everything he does for me. But besides that, no. what does he do for you besides put a roof over your head & the heads of your animals? From what you wrote he: calls you names makes you beg to stay with him blames you for his deficiencies curses at you gaslights you has a negative attitude about everything & can't make the best of anything sits on the couch while you clean gets mad even when you do exactly as he asked puts you down & undermines your self esteem prefers social media to cuddling with you Where's the greatness in this so called "great guy" ? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 How do you earn a living? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 6 hours ago, Dandygirl said: Also, I know I said this. But he is a good man. When we are not going through something he and I are like a dream come true. It’s like he cannot control his anger. And I’ve tried talking to him about it. But it ends in him blaming me for how he’s acting. The hard part is, he is a great man. And helps me when I need it, he would do anything for me. But is his issues just a anger and control thing? He’d be happier if I had no feelings or emotions and if I never expressed them to him. Just stop! NO, he’s not a good man! a good man doesn’t yell at a woman and degrade her. open your eyes! Get out ASAP. He isn’t a good person and you deserve to be treated better. get professional help - you learned somewhere that this is acceptable behavior - it’s not! do the work to unlearn this train of thought. no man who is decent treats his woman that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 The root causes of all these issues are because he does'n't respect and love you. He takes you for granted. There is nothing you can do to change that except to be independent financially and walk away. IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 I hope you have a good paying job and are capable of leaving him tonight! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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