My girlfriend broke up with me today, I'm not sure if it's a real reason for a break up, if I want to get her back should I stop contact immediately?

[Cman12]

My GF and I, dating for 2 months now, live in separate towns about 40 min apart. She just got a new apartment and after a couple weeks I asked to stay over when we were watching a show late at night (I work at 6am) without an invite to stay. She did not let me, I knew something was up so I got her to talk about it the next night when she came over to my place to go to dinner. Turns out it was her being uncomfortable with me staying over at her new place with her female roommate. 

I understood, the rest of the night was fine. A few days later we went out for V day dinner at a nice Italian place. She did not dress up too much and wore UGGs to the place. Very uncommon for her. I knew something was still bothering her, but I didn't ask. I did not stay over since it was near her place, I did not even ask this time. But the next few days she's been real quiet. I asked her early this morning if something was still bothering her and she replied hours later that something is and said that "it's cool we can talk about it in person next time we are together!". I told her ok but, we need to talk about it today and that I'm going to call her after work (today).

Am I overthinking that she may be wanting to break up? This is the first confrontation about something that we have had in the 3 months we have been seeing (2 months dating) each other. 

Thanks in advance!

[Lotsgoingon]

 

You are not overthinking this, and unfortunately when people are acting as your gf is acting, the "something" they are hiding is usually not good news about the relationship.

On the one hand, it's good to insist that she get to this now rather than later. Her idea of delaying is not respectful to you. On the other hand, I tend to think in your situation, a good move is to hang back ... don't chase her ... don't initiate talking ... To do this, you really have to make peace with the possibility that things are over. 

I hope I'm way jumping the gun. But I've seen someone act like your gf (including me) who then announces really good news for the relationship. 

[Cman12]

41 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

You are not overthinking this, and unfortunately when people are acting as your gf is acting, the "something" they are hiding is usually not good news about the relationship.

On the one hand, it's good to insist that she get to this now rather than later. Her idea of delaying is not respectful to you. On the other hand, I tend to think in your situation, a good move is to hang back ... don't chase her ... don't initiate talking ... To do this, you really have to make peace with the possibility that things are over. 

I hope I'm way jumping the gun. But I've seen someone act like your gf (including me) who then announces really good news for the relationship. 

Thanks, so for the phone call would it be a good idea to bring up that I may have been a bit insensitive of her new living arrangements? And maybe inform her that I toured a place of my own yesterday?

[Kitty Tantrum]

Why force her to talk about it over the phone instead of in-person like she requested?

In MY book, that's a great way to turn a small relationship hiccup INTO getting unceremoniously dumped.

[d0nnivain]

If she wants to talk about it in person, don't force something over the phone.  

If you have only known her for 90 days I don't see where you can say her UGG footwear is common or uncommon for her.  You haven't known her long enough to detect a pattern.  Also how cold / icy was it outside.  That may have dictated her footwear. 

Granted "we need to talk" has become a cliché often leading to the break up talk but not always.  Don't invite trouble. 

[Lotsgoingon]

People don't hesitate to share feelings about a partner's "insensitivity" to roommates. Whatever is on her mind likely has zero to do with roommates. 

If you want to get to the bottom of things, I think a phone call is fine. Frankly, I've communicated with some people better over the phone than in person, because in person, people can get anxious and hesitant.

And no, you don't want to mention anything to her ... you want to be present to what she says and to react honestly in the moment. Whatever is on her mind is probably not because of some recent behavior of yours. 

[Cman12]

38 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

People don't hesitate to share feelings about a partner's "insensitivity" to roommates. Whatever is on her mind likely has zero to do with roommates. 

If you want to get to the bottom of things, I think a phone call is fine. Frankly, I've communicated with some people better over the phone than in person, because in person, people can get anxious and hesitant.

And no, you don't want to mention anything to her ... you want to be present to what she says and to react honestly in the moment. Whatever is on her mind is probably not because of some recent behavior of yours. 

Thank you. 

So we did break up, it was pretty mutual. I was a bit sad but there's nothing I can do. It was the reason of me asking to stay the night at her new place while I was there. It was the only reason she talked about. 

I said I'm sorry it has to end like this but it is what it is. I told her I loved who she is and I thanked her for her honesty, that got a few laughs out of her, as she proceeded to tell me when she broke up with her ex he called back 17 times. I think I ended that situation on a positive note. 

The question now is what next? I would love to get her back, i don't expect too at all but if there's steps I can take to show her I'm over her and it happens to make her reach back out I would be willing to explore a possible future relationship 

Edited February 19, 2020 by Cman12
Clarify

[preraph]

She's letting her ex call her 17 times.  It's not about you.  

[Cman12]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

She's letting her ex call her 17 times.  It's not about you.  

No no no, that happened when she broke up with her ex lol

[preraph]

Oh. Well, very sorry it didn't work out. She went about The Break-Up very deliberately so she's obviously serious. No 1 breds anything more than breaking up with someone. I'm sorry.

[Cman12]

So my now ex girlfriend and I, of only 2-3 months, broke up today. She says it's because she moved to a new apartment with a female coworker (not even a month ago) and felt like I was trying to stay over a lot and she did not want that. We live separately, 40 min apart. We had a good relationship but ......

We returned from a trip together I dropped her off and went home. I saw her a few days later on Wednesday. This is when it happened, the reason for the breakup. I asked to stay the night because we were watching a late night show, I worked at 6am. She politely declined. Turns out this pissed her off, we hung out near my place the next night and I got her to tell me what was wrong because I could tell something was up. She said the whole thing about asking to stay over. I understood and admitted that I didn't think it through when I did but that I am fine and respect her decision and roommate.

We hung out Saturday and went to dinner and a movie....again I could sense something was still off but I didn't say anything and I left later that night.

Minimal contact the next 2 days. Today I asked what was on her mind and she said she will tell me next time in person. I proceeded to say that I want to talk about it today (did not have any plans to see each other yet). I called after work. She didn't want me to get comfortable and assume I could stay at her place, WHICH IS COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE. I apologised for it, I did not intend to come off like I wanted to stay there all the time. I don't live there lol.

So since last Wednesday, she was not feeling it anymore. It has only been this one thing, she explained this was the only time I did anything wrong. I handled it well, I was a bit sad but held my ground telling her that it's ok and I'm sorry it had to end this way. I told her communication is important and i felt a bit disrespected she didn't tell me everything the night we originally talked about it. I said I love who you are and thanked her for being honest. That got a laugh from her and she said her previous break up resulted in 17 calls from her ex. She laughed again and I ended the call, I think this was a good positive way to end talks with her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry man, but I don't think she's being entirely honest about why she broke up with you. 

After a couple months together, if we ladies are really into a guy, we're not going to freak out if he asks to stay over one night. We're not going to leap to the conclusion that he'll want to stay over all the time, either. It certainly wouldn't be a deal-breaker - if that were in fact the only point of conflict. 

My guess is that she realized she's just not as into you and doesn't really want you having overnights at her place. Unless you've been overly clingy throughout this relationship, asking to stay on this sole occasion isn't the real reason it's over. I would wager she's been thinking about ending it for a little while and used this as her exit strategy. 

You would be best to let it go. She's not feeling it, and sometimes there's really nothing either of you can do about it. 

Edited February 19, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Mrin]

Full no contact. It is really the only move you have

[Cman12]

13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

People don't hesitate to share feelings about a partner's "insensitivity" to roommates. Whatever is on her mind likely has zero to do with roommates. 

If you want to get to the bottom of things, I think a phone call is fine. Frankly, I've communicated with some people better over the phone than in person, because in person, people can get anxious and hesitant.

And no, you don't want to mention anything to her ... you want to be present to what she says and to react honestly in the moment. Whatever is on her mind is probably not because of some recent behavior of yours. 

Thanks man. She broke it off, that's the only reason she mentioned. She's in a new town and getting adjusted to her new arrangements blah blah. 

I stayed as calm as I could, I did suggest meeting in person like she wanted to but there was no point since she already ended it. I told her I'm okay with it, I can't change her feelings. They I said I just want you to be happy, I love who she is and I thanked her for being honest then ended the call.

I think it's something we could have worked through together but she felt differently so it is what it is. I'm not goin to contact her anymore, if she's ending a a relationship that was honestly pretty good looking at it from a birds eye for something that only happened a week ago today then I don't think she's worth the effort right now. Who knows maybe she will realize she made a mistake and try to contact me 

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, Cman12 said:

So we did break up, it was pretty mutual.

* * *  

The question now is what next? I would love to get her back, i don't expect too at all but if there's steps I can take to show her I'm over her and it happens to make her reach back out I would be willing to explore a possible future relationship 

If the break up was mutual as you claim, you won't be asking for advice to get her back.  

She has started a new phase of her life with this new apartment.  She does not want you to be part of that.  There is nothing you can do. 

You don't show somebody you are over them to get them back.  If you are over them, you don't want them back.  You are asking what emotional game you can play to manipulate her.  That is not cool. 

Her break up is more about you not fitting into the vision she has for her new life. 

I think you behaved in a dignified manner staying calm & interjecting some humor.  Going NC is your best bet for your own healing.  

Edited February 19, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Cman12]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If the break up was mutual as you claim, you won't be asking for advice to get her back.  

She has started a new phase of her life with this new apartment.  She does not want you to be part of that.  There is nothing you can do. 

You don't show somebody you are over them to get them back.  If you are over them, you don't want them back.  You are asking what emotional game you can play to manipulate her.  That is not cool. 

Her break up is more about you not fitting into the vision she has for her new life. 

I think you behaved in a dignified manner staying calm & interjecting some humor.  Going NC is your best bet for your own healing.  

Thanks. I'm not trying to manipulate her, or anyone for that matter. I'm just trying to understand it because it came so fast. 

I appreciate it

[preraph]

What don't you understand?  She doesn't want you staying over.  She has a roommate.  I'm sure they probably have an agreement about not letting guys stay there.  It's a new arrangement and you've only been together 2 months.  She isn't looking for someone who wants to hang out there.  She wants to keep where she lives and her relationship with her roommate orderly so it will last.  

Her mother could drop by or anything.  The landlord could object.  I mean, there's all kinds of reasons.  And I guess she wasn't all that happy anyway and probably thought you were moving too fast or she doesn't feel invested as much as you do.  Just leave her alone. She knows where you are and how to find you.

[elaine567]

Sorry,  but she dumped you.
I don't know why she dumped you, but interested women love when bfs want to spend the night, so I doubt it had much to do with that.
She just wasn't interested enough in you to keep this going.
When people reject you, it is best to just accept it and move on.
Little good comes of clinging desperately on to the hope she will come back.
You were blindsided,., she had probably been thinking about it for a while.

You were together 2 months, not 20 years.
It hurts, but onwards and upwards...
Hugs

 

[Cman12]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Sorry,  but she dumped you.
I don't know why she dumped you, but interested women love when bfs want to spend the night, so I doubt it had much to do with that.
She just wasn't interested enough in you to keep this going.
When people reject you, it is best to just accept it and move on.
Little good comes of clinging desperately on to the hope she will come back.
You were blindsided,., she had probably been thinking about it for a while.

You were together 2 months, not 20 years.
It hurts, but onwards and upwards...
Hugs

 

Thank you. Not trying to cling, everything just felt good about this one. Felt like it could last a long time, we are so alike. But I have deleted conversations and muted her posts on social media so they do not pop up in my face. 

 

Maybe one day our paths will cross again, and if not I'm glad it happened. I just wish I let her ask me to be exclusive before I did 😂

[Redhead14]

What do you mean by "a real reason for a break up"??????   The real reason for a break is ALWAYS, ALWAYS that the person not longer wants to be with you.  Everything else that is offered as an explanation is just fluff.  It doesn't matter if they found someone else - they found someone else because they don't want to be with you, or they are are tired of you - they don't want to be with you any more, or they want to be free -- so they don't want to be with you any more or they want to explore options - they don't want to be with you any more, the bottom line is nothing less than "I don't want to date you anymore"  PERIOD.  The sooner you grasp that fact, the faster you can move on.

[Cman12]

3 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

What do you mean by "a real reason for a break up"??????   The real reason for a break is ALWAYS, ALWAYS that the person not longer wants to be with you.  Everything else that is offered as an explanation is just fluff.  It doesn't matter if they found someone else - they found someone else because they don't want to be with you, or they are are tired of you - they don't want to be with you any more, or they want to be free -- so they don't want to be with you any more or they want to explore options - they don't want to be with you any more, the bottom line is nothing less than "I don't want to date you anymore"  PERIOD.  The sooner you grasp that fact, the faster you can move on.

It just stunned me. I was not mad at the girl for choosing this. It's an experience that will make me stronger but being 26 going on 27. I'm just trying to start something long term ya know, just sucks to have someone come and go but that's life

[d0nnivain]

42 minutes ago, Cman12 said:

 But I have deleted conversations and muted her posts on social media so they do not pop up in my face.

Don't bother muting.  Just unfriend / unfollow.  It's as simple as that.  There is no need to remain connected.  What are you going to do, suddenly get the urge to troll her page to see pictures of her with the new guy sleeping over at her house?

Spare yourself the pain.  Just disconnect. 

[Cman12]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

Don't bother muting.  Just unfriend / unfollow.  It's as simple as that.  There is no need to remain connected.  What are you going to do, suddenly get the urge to troll her page to see pictures of her with the new guy sleeping over at her house?

Spare yourself the pain.  Just disconnect. 

Hahaha true that. I'm gonna have to go do that. 

I do appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me, thanks

[Lotsgoingon]

The ones you don't see coming hurt the most.

But ... in this case ... as soon as you noticed she was withdrawing ... next time remind yourself that this could be a major alarm. And anytime a gf or bf says they want to talk and they delay it--AND they've been a bit withdrawn--basically it's over ... absent major medical crisis, things are over. 

Remind yourself: requirement 1 of dating someone--they want to date us--strongly, fiercely, passionately, clearly!--without any persuasion by us. She fails this requirement now. She doesn't appreciate you. The reflex feeling is to imagine she's overlooking something ... No ... she knows what she is doing. 

You'll move on. And breaking up in person is really no better, in my view, than breaking up over the phone. That's just me. You feel stunned and in disbelief and empty either way.

 

[Fletch Lives]

Her reason for breaking up - you wanting to spend the night, is a half-truth....... sure it made her mad - because you make her mad, she does not like you.

Also, real life is not like Hollywood movies. People rarely get back together. That's okay you'll find a new woman.