People who online date, how do you choose who you message or respond to

[Ruby Slippers]

When I was doing online dating, my process was:

1. Review new messages. Weed out 90% of them for being lame, then of the remaining 10%, review the profiles in order of priority, with priority given to the most thoughtful, interesting messages.
2. Weed out empty/lame/off-putting profiles, leaving maybe 2%.
3. Send a nice message back to those 2%.
4. Exchange a few messages, zeroing in on the ones who seem serious, intelligent, and don't take too long to ask to talk on the phone or meet. This is about 1 man out of 100.
5. Move to text and have a phone call.
6. Meet for a first date, and go from there.

[CAPSLOCK CROOK]

I usually open with "Hi, i'm CLC, When are we meeting up?" Then, whatever she says, it really does not matter, I just continue and set a time, like "How about 5 PM at Tim Hortons if you are free?"

This is all that I do now and I will sometimes double or even triple up on dates, I have had another one I am supposed to be meeting walk in early and I am still speaking with the last one.

For me, your profile is great and all, but pictures really represent who you are... Like if your a woman and you have your pierced tongue out in every picture, that says more about you, to me, than any amount of words on your profile. Another one are women who have cleavage in every picture, vs. women who have no cleavage in any of their pictures, things like this, I pay close attention to... But profiles with one single picture I usually message the least, just because a single pic is hard to glean any judgement off of.

[some_username1]

On 2/19/2020 at 2:19 AM, Cookiesandough said:

I’ve been browsing profiles and it’s really got me down how much people lack originality(not saying I’m necessarily an exception).

Most of the profiles are some variation of your run-the-mill “love to laugh, family is important, and want to experience life to the fullest”. What’s left is people trying way too hard, filling their profile with a bunch of non-sequitor and completely irrelevant stuff in some kind of weird flex. It doesn’t say much about them other than that.
 

So typically I choose to reply back based on how attracted I am to their pictures. That hasn’t been working well for me and  I lose interest quickly. I need more substance, I suppose.. Sometimes I’ll reply back if we share an interest, but I’m starting to notice that those interests are almost all we have in common. But these are the only things I see going by. I might as well just eeney meeney miney mo. Maybe there’s something else I’m missing. 

Also, it’s disconcerting how almost everyone seems to respond the SAME  way to the SAME things in my profile. All the messages in my inbox seem to blend together,. I feel bad because there are quite a few who appear to put some effort put into the messages going by their length and how they try to relate to things I’ve written. 

So. Care  to share what is/was your filtering process? Ty

So what sort of first message ARE you looking for?

It sounds to me like effort in a first message is a turn off to you because people are trying too hard to curate their opening gambit to match your profile. It’s too much, especially when it becomes really long and wordy. I think I would be the same if I was female and being sent stuff like that.

I send a generic, short first message making fun of online dating itself and inviting the girl to talk about it with me. I find people generally like the release of being able to get it off their chest

[Cookiesandough]

6 hours ago, some_username1 said:

So what sort of first message ARE you looking for?

It sounds to me like effort in a first message is a turn off to you because people are trying too hard to curate their opening gambit to match your profile. It’s too much, especially when it becomes really long and wordy. I think I would be the same if I was female and being sent stuff like that.

I send a generic, short first message making fun of online dating itself and inviting the girl to talk about it with me. I find people generally like the release of being able to get it off their chest

Sorry for the confusion.  Effort in a first message is generally a good thing. It’s  always better than a “Hi. How are you?” 

Your style of opener can be good too.. It does run the risk of coming off bitter if but not executed right. 
 

The messages themselves are only problems if they lack to stand out for be original, because then I have no clue who I should respond to or why.  
 

Right now I’m exchanging bad pick up lines with someone. Maybe I’m just burnt out on it at the moment 

Edited February 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[nospam99]

Hey cookies, I just saw a post you made on one of the Dating topics. Yeah, I think that most of the people on OLD are either looking for sex or some kind of LTR. I get the sense that you are looking more for a 'hang out a lot/be a confidante/best friend' but nothing serious type of boyfriend. If I'm right, OLD is not going to work super for you (apparently it hasn't) because of that bulk other people looking for either sex or LTRs. Have you tried meetups? Or do you have 'buddies' (same sex probably would work best) looking for the same kind of relationships who could strategize and 'tag team' with you?

[Cookiesandough]

. I think you are right.  I don’t have anything like that. I’m shy when stranger men approach me and my friend circle is smallish now that a large portion got cut off(again). Not really friends with men...

It’s interesting you mentioned meetup. Last time I tried it, it was pretty meh, but I fired it back up again and RSVP’d to something that seemed interesting,. I chickened out when I was the only woman, but I’m keeping a look out. Thanks, nospam

[nospam99]

@cookies. I'm mostly in hiking and dancing meetups. But I know that where I live there are several foodie and 'girl power' meetups. If there're similar meetups near you, they might be good for meeting intelligent guys and female buddies.

[Cookiesandough]

@nospam99have a meet up next weekend. 
 

Questions...How often do you see ‘fresh meat’ on the apps? Haven’t reached the end of my pile, just curious. Also, do you see a big difference in the amount/different types of people on match vs the free apps? 

[Interstellar]

On 2/18/2020 at 11:28 PM, Cookiesandough said:

@nospam99Lol @Interstellar thanks for the gravitas. This is only my life !!!! Also is DLing your body weight even impressive. Pretty sure I can do that and more and  I am pretty weak. 

From your posts here, it’s the guys you got rid off that are weak which is why you’re no longer with them.

2.5x (your bodyweight) deadlift is the standard to get your foot in the door.

Edited February 24, 2020 by Interstellar

[nospam99]

@cookies. Enjoy your meetup!

I'm only on OLD web sites, no apps. I tried Bumble and was totally unimpressed. Also keep in mind that my demographic is 55+ females. 'Fresh meat' trickles in slowly on match.com. It's very rare on OKC or PoF. I pretty much see the same women on all three sites. It's like they (as well as me) are trying everything. But every now and then particular women will only sign up for 'a few' of the sites.

[Foxhall]

I would look for something on the quirky side and also just plain loyalty-if the person mentions they are loyal in the profile- I think ok they could be worth messaging, I always found if loyalty was mentioned it was easier get chat going and a date would follow.

really not missing this online dating I must say,

I have a fear though the girlfriend is going to dump me at some point , sooner rather than later probably , and will be back to the online dating lark,

the joys eh

[Cookiesandough]

On 2/22/2020 at 10:00 PM, nospam99 said:

@cookies. I'm mostly in hiking and dancing meetups. But I know that where I live there are several foodie and 'girl power' meetups. If there're similar meetups near you, they might be good for meeting intelligent guys and female buddies.

Going to meetup today, Spammy!! Hope I make a new friend 

[nospam99]

@cookies. Spammy? LOL. I hope you meet several new friends :D

[Cookiesandough]

 So meetup went well. Nice people!!! There was a older guy there with a younger guy from work who are friends. 
 

 I actually thought the older guy liked me bc he kept talking to me, said he was trying to figure my age and was relieved I wasn’t younger. When we were waking he offered me his jacket and then he said you want to run( to keep warm). I said yes so we ran and cut through an alley together and there was some ice so we hooked arms so I wouldn’t fall, he said “I didn’t plan this” I told him it would have been pretty impressive if he did 😆

But turns out he was just playing wing man for his younger friend from Minnesota...who was cute but extremely tall ... like 6’4 or something. I’m starting to realize I’m not that attracted to tall guys or something. 5’8-5’11 is kind of my sweet spot. Not fond of the  looming presence, big builds, and having to look up... anyway, I digress. The guy had a cute face, I suppose. I thought he was cuter before I knew he liked me. He had an impressive way of telling stories, but overall no click for me. OH This girl came up and gave me a shot because she and her bf thought I looked like some chick from the bachelor? Idk, don’t watch that show, also don’t drink so I gave my shot to him. I was going to another bar with friends  (without the group) and he wanted come. I just don’t think there’s a personality click. He got my number. No text or anything yet but it’s 2am. Oh well...

oh yes, and another person invited me to his open mic night near where I live.So might go 

Anyway. This thread sort of went off topic. But 8/10. Will do again.

Edited March 1, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

Ohhh and I want to say I am just assuming the older guy was playing wingman.. maybe he wasn’t doing anything. But I saw him whisper to his friend when I said I was leaving soon and then asked me if I’d switch him chairs... and that so that I was sitting next to his friend 

 

Another thing is I think I (wrongly) associate height with brawn...more strength... unless the guy is very skinny... so I gave a bias for men with finer builds... It’s stupid because I know logically this is not the true, but I recognize this might be an association I’m making 

Edited March 1, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[nospam99]

@cookies. I'm glad to 'hear' that your first meetup went well. All of mine have scored the 'nice people' point and I've been doing them for years. I'll accept my 'attaboy' now for suggesting a meetup. :D It sounds like you got your 'meet intelligent guys' goal. Did you meet any women who could be good wingmen for you or were you too focused on the friendly guy(s)?

[Cookiesandough]

I  was not able to get to know many of the women because I would talk to people who said hi and talked to me first, and that happened to be men this time.I did get a chance to walk over and introduce myself to a few women and we talked a bit. And of course I talked to one of the organizers who I was already friends with from last year 😊

I hope to meet more women. Maybe a women’s group. So yes, props to you, spammy!! 
 

Meetup has improved in my area in terms of dateable people. There were a lot of pretty cute, new-in-town guys there I thought I might like, but I was busy talking to others so never had the chance to talk to them. 

 

One more question-Have you ever met a woman through meetup? 

[nospam99]

@cookies. To answer your question directly and in context, No. That is to say that in all my years of attending meetups, I have yet to meet a woman who signaled an interest in possibly dating. The types of signals I'd recognize include eye contact, smiles, or initiating a conversation. On the other hand, I've met plenty of women in the ''she's just another one of the guys'' context.

And I don't cold approach women at meetups because I feel that doing so would be seen by the group as inappropriate. There is a social behavior of approaching members of the opposite sex to solicit a date. I call it 'hitting on'. The vibe in all of my groups is that the people are all there to have platonic fun. I'd label groups that are geared to couples meeting as 'mixers'. They often have the keyword 'singles' in their meetup group name. There are no 'mixer' groups in my demographic and area, though there are mixer groups for the 20s-50s crowds. The last 'senior-inclusive' mixer group, after lasting decades, died of disinterest a little more than a year ago.

Nevertheless, it sounds like your group is enough of a mixer for you. And if you have other similar groups you might attend, more better (sic!).