Debbie Posted July 18, 1999 Share Posted July 18, 1999 I just recently moved in with my boyfriend. He is currently going through a divorce. He has three daughters ages 11, 4, 3, and I get along with all of them. They stay mostly with their mother. My boyfriend is a very affectionate guy with me except when his children are around. It gets to the point that he won't touch or come near me and barely speaks to me. We talked about the affection issue before I moved in with him. He said that it is important to show love between a couple around children. He is not doing that with me. I am showing anger towards him and I'm afraid that it will ruin our relationship! I don't want that to happen. I am trying to be patient and understanding because this is new for him. How can I handle this situation and how long should I tolerate the lack of affection towards me????? Help Me!! Link to post Share on other sites
bethbonnie Posted July 18, 1999 Share Posted July 18, 1999 I just recently moved in with my boyfriend. He is currently going through a divorce. He has three daughters ages 11, 4, 3, and I get along with all of them. They stay mostly with their mother. My boyfriend is a very affectionate guy with me except when his children are around. It gets to the point that he won't touch or come near me and barely speaks to me. We talked about the affection issue before I moved in with him. He said that it is important to show love between a couple around children. He is not doing that with me. I am showing anger towards him and I'm afraid that it will ruin our relationship! I don't want that to happen. I am trying to be patient and understanding because this is new for him. How can I handle this situation and how long should I tolerate the lack of affection towards me????? Help Me!! Debbie, At the moment everyone in this situation would be very much in need of love and attention...especially this mans children. It takes a very special tolerance and patience for any new partner to undertake such a 'ready made family situation'. Do you understand that before you were in these children's lives that their 'mommy and daddy' were a family unto their own? Perhaps your new partner is being cautious to display an 'over abundance' of love and affection toward you, whilst his children are in yours and his company, because he may cautious in doing so to protect his children's feelings, which is perfectly understandable. It is unrealistic to expect a 'comforable balance' to be present in this situation in a short period of time. Your partner will will be dealing with a mixture of many 'roller coaster emotions' of his own. He has many roles to juggle. If you wish to pursue this relatiionship, there may be many times where you are peceiving an isolation and rejection of this man's afftection toward you. As time passes, the father of these children will adjust to displaying affection toward someone else other than ;Mommy',,,,he is unable to ever again have an exclusiveness for someone he chooses to be with in the future, because his children will place demands upon him...simply becasue they are his children. Ask him to choose a convenient time for you and him to discuss this issues at length one night when the children are absent. I would advise you to try to focus on the children;s needs when they viisit next time .. let them enjoy their father;'s company. His children will feel secure if they see their daddy is happy... and as children thats what matters most to them. Undoubtedly, they have already endured, one way or another tensions between 'adults', ie . Mom and Dad..especially the months leading up to a final separation and 'dad' now is geographically' absent. Seek professional advice with someone in your local area regarding your frustrations and anger at the moment, Im sure they will be able to give you some invaluable insight. Take care....bethbonnie xx Link to post Share on other sites
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