Husband wants kids, I don't...please help

[bulldoggirl]

DH and I have been married for 3 years, together for 10. I am 27 and he is 28.

For as long as I can remember, I've never looked forward to having kids....I was always thinking of ways to put it off. I told him over a year ago that I was unsure if I'd ever want them & he freaked out basically. He's very old fashioned and he can't understand why I don't want them. (I have no desire whatsoever) and almost everyone we know has kids. We live in a small town, and it's just what people do.

So for the past year this has been a major source of tension between us...and it's only gotten worse with each passing month. The last time we discussed it he said alot of things that really hurt me, the worst being "I'd like to just throw your birth control pills out & see what happens" The more I think about that, the madder I get...it's like he doesn't care about my feelings, and the fact that it's MY BODY and I'm the one who would have to do the majority of the work if we were to have a child.

He also said that he doesn't know if we should stay married and that he's scared to lose me, but he knows he would resent me in 10-15 years if we never had kids. On one hand, I feel like at least he's being honest, but it still hurts.

So I guess what I'm wondering is, what would you do if you were in my shoes? Have any of you been in a similar situation? If so, what happened? Thanks for reading & I look forward to reading your responses.

[JayKay]

Hi Bulldog

 

I remember you posting a while back about this same issue. It seems like you are still caught in the middle...between not wanting kids and not wanting to lose your boyfriend.

 

I never wanted kids either. There are MANY people who will tell you it is unnatural to want to remain childless....or that you're selfish. It's really not the case. If you're lucky enough to have some older woman friends, who've 'been there done that' and are honest, they'll tell you the truth. SOME women loooooove being parents and loooooove raising kids. Some women HATE what having kids does to their lives.

 

Try reading Susan Jeffer's book "I'm OK, You're a Brat" about the myths of parenthood we're force-fed much of our lives.

 

Kids are forever. Kids are for life. Parenthood is a full-time job. You have to make compromises. And yes, women usually bear the brunt of the work.

 

Is there a baby you can 'borrow' from a friend or relative for a day or so? Ask your husband to spend the day feeding, washing, changing and caring for a tiny baby all day long. See how he does. Can you 'borrow' a toddler for a day or so? Ask your husband to chase around, discipline, monitor, restrain a small creature on wobbly legs all day long.

Is HE willing to cut back on his work hours to devote time towards child raising?

 

I'm sure you are both torn over this and I don't think there are any easy answers.

 

Imagine that you told him; "My dream is to start a business. It means that all our extra money will need to go towards savings and we will have to take out some large loans. For the next few years, I will be working 70-80 hours per week getting this business on its feet. I will be away from the house many nights. Our phone will ring off the hook constantly. We will need to do a lot of entertaining so that we can network within the community. We will both need to join various committees and organizations and make donations to charities...."

 

And imagine he said to you, "But my dream was to live a simple quiet life in the country, with lots of free time to write and paint and restore antiques?"

 

It's a similar situation. You are talking about two different lifestyles.

 

Your argument could be, "But this is my dream. If I can't have my own business, I will really resent it."

 

And his argument could be, "But I don't WANT to lose all my free time. I don't WANT all our finances tied up in a business. I don't WANT to miss you all those hours. I will resent it if that's our life!"

 

 

 

 

So at some point, someone has to bend. Someone has to be "OK" with deferred dreams and a lifestyle that is not of their choosing.

 

Who will it be????

 

 

Have you two tried counseling yet?

[bab]

Hi Bulldog--

I can imagine what you are going through. I've got 2 different sets of friends that are going throught the same issue. One set decided before they got married that they weren't going to have kids. Recently the husband confessed to me that he's been "dropping hints" to his wife that he wants kids. So, it was messed up enough that he told me this instead of his wife, but just try and imagine how awkward it was, since she overheard our conversation. I can't remember the last time I was so uncomfortable. I don't know how they are dealing with it, since after that I decided not to discuss personal matters with her hubby anymore, and felt to embarrassed to talk to her about them.

 

Another set of friends isn't married yet, and are trying to decide if they ever should be. This I know more about. She wants kids, he doesn't. One of the things they are doing is discussing WHY they do and don't want children respectively. What things do they want to accomplish in life that will be affected by having children. Possibly they can make sure those things happen BEFORE having kids. With today's medicine, they (or you) don't need to start having kids in the next couple years, they've got time.

 

On the other hand, it's quite possible that you NEVER will want them. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. As you know, this is a particularly hard situation, because there is no real way to compromise, either you have kids, or you don't. If he can't picture himself without being a father, there really isn't any recourse and you very likely will end up splitting. Best of luck!!

[BadBadGirl]

this sounds like something that should have been discussed and decided before you got married.

 

i know i want children, and i will not marry someone who doesn't want them. if they just up and and changed their mind, that would be a deal breaker for me.