Mid thirties quest for good friendships

[Silver_star]

I am in my mid thirties and a couple of my closer friends have moved out of my city years ago and started families of their own. 
Outside of those close friendships, I outgrew my group of girlfriends I had from high school/college and they live all over the city but they mostly are married as well and busy with new people. When I do hang out with them they we don't have much in common. 

That leaves me with really only one girlfriend that I see regularly in my city, and to be honest I think I am holding on to the friendship because I don't have other friends or a boyfriend. She can be very sweet, but I think she has become too reliant on others, and get's angry when she doesnt get her way. She is a very dependent person, and despite being in her early thirties she doesn't drive, she lives with her parents, and so if we hang out I always have to go to her and pick her up (or if not pick her up, drop her off) and hang at my place where she eats my food, and doesnt offer up any suggestion for things to do. She just wants to come over and watch netflix and eat. She rarely wants to go out and meet other people together. I have tried to encourage her in life but she usually just complains about not having enough resources or time to do what she wants to do and blames everyone but herself for her situation. Even though she has plenty of time, and more resources than most because she doesn't pay any rent to her parents.

I have travelled with her in the past and we share some good memories, but she has relied on me for so much and doesnt show appreciation or put in equal effort. I just am beginning to feel that she is a drain on me and only is using me because I will pick her up and take her places and do things with her where no one else will.  I have told her this before, that she should offer to pay for gas every now and then, and she doesnt seem to get it. She just says "oh of course, just ask me anytime you need gas". It's not that I need it, it's that you should offer it because otherwise you are taking advantage. In over 8 years of knowing her she has given me $25 for gas and has not driven once. 

Maybe I am just outgrowing her, but every time I try to get space and take time away from her she gets very sad/angry about it and says I am not making time for her and says she doesnt have anyone else either. I think I am going to have to fill my time with other/more people because at this point she knows I am just avoiding her. I would rather be alone than be used, and feel drained.

I work at a place where there are literally no single women or men for that matter to hang out with. They are all middle aged, married with kids. Weekends are full with kid like activities. 
How do I meet friends at this age? 

 

[preraph]

Well, number one, tell her No to coming over to your house and being boring.  Tell her, I'm not interested in watching my four walls anymore.  I want to get out of the house and go do something.  I'm guessing she also won't want to pay for her own lunch.    And if you are the one that asks, you will then be obligated to do that and we both know she's not going to reciprocate and ask you out since she doesn't want to go out.  

 

How about next time you drive her somewhere, you stop for lunch (or movie, whatever) and tell her she's paying in lieu of giving you gas money.  Even if she only pays her part, it's more than you're going to get otherwise.  

[Silver_star]

She will usually pay for her own food/entertainment when we do end up going out. But I think asking her to pay for my food/entertainment in lieu of gas money spent won't work at this point and will only end up in a confrontation/drama. She won't see it as reasonable because to her everyone owes her everything because she CANT simply do for herself. Poor her. 

I'd like to avoid the drama, and just have the friendship die of natural causes (both of us not putting in effort). I do think way this friendship is not going to last because it depends on me carrying the load. It depends on me picking her up and dropping her off, and planning things for us to do. 

It has only lasted this long because I really dont have anyone else to hang out with and she lives relatively close (5-10 min drive) so I have justified it, but I want to try harder to look for new friends. I think the bigger question is how do I find new friends. I would like to spend people more like me who are independent and have careers and interests outside of work drama/netflix.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Silver_star said:

How do I meet friends at this age?

As an adult I made friends through Alumni associations; business / industry groups; volunteering; by taking a share in a group recreational house (summer / beach or skiing) & through meet ups. 

Other people made friends playing on sports teams. 

[Foxhall]

I think making new friends is relatively easy once you approach it positively,

join an activity you enjoy,be prepared to commit to it for a few months and be reasonably open and engaging with the other people,

you are likely to enjoy the company and build a friendship with at least one person, they in turn may invite you to other events and you meet more people and so on,

I suppose it depends a lot on a persons mindset at a given time too, Im sure I wrote about a year ago here that I find it hard to meet new friends, but after a few more positive developments in a few months, I would feel much differently now,

so perhaps its telling yourself that this is a good time to meet new people and getting out there making an effort to do that. getting the mindset right - that meeting new people will be enjoyable rather than a chore.

Edited February 19, 2020 by Foxhall

[preraph]

There are neighborhood apps like Nextdoor that you should join.  You just put in your zip code and then it guides you to the right group and then you can narrow or expand the field to surrounding areas.  People exchange crime info, things for sale or free, lost and found pets, and community bulletins are posted for library, police, any events concerning the neighborhood.  On mine, there is someone who started a game night, but I don't feel comfortable going for a couple of reasons, but that would be a good way to just get to know neighbors.