I resent my family....

[hotpotato]

And that's ok. As I get older I see more and more how they handicapped me. My family was/ is very controlling. 

Growing up my immediate family only cared about me going to school. They cared about grades so much they wouldn't let me play sports. I joined the band in part bc it didnt require a permission slip. I used to receive mail from a modeling company, and my mom hid it from me. She didnt want me to model, she wanted me to go to college. 

 

I went to college and eventually flunked out. As much as they wanted me to go to college, they didnt help with one measly cent. I paid it off. The time I spent in college and paying off my loans, I could've been discovering myself. 

They'll always put me down. That's just what they do. I've always been very active, and they still complain to this day. They never recommend joining a sport, never recommend that I become a personal trainer (not enough clout or bragging). They never recommend anything that's not in their plan for my life. 

Once my grandma took me to a self defense class. That's the most she ever encouraged me. I was good at it, and she as per usual didnt encourage me to continue (this was at an mma gym). She only says college college college. Honestly, I hate college so much, I'd rather be punched in the face for a living than go back. 

 

I dont need their permission or money anymore. Now I get to try new things, but I'm very late. I feel like a 15 year old who is discovering herself. I was not allowed to grow at a time when I couldve gained valuable skills. I was 30 when I took my first formal dance lesson. I told my grandma I wanted to break dance when I was a kid, and she laughed in my face. Ok, that's not conventionally feminine, so why not put me in gymnastics or dance since I wanted to flip around. Until this day my grandma laughs in my face if I say I can do a dance move. I still worked out even though she told me to tone it down. I got well enough to look like some who used to dance as a child. I'm happy everyday I didnt listen to the controlling bitches around me. 

I dont know anyone personally with this issue. Most parents who have active children put them in sports instead of putting them down. At least kids with stage parents come out with marketable skills. 

They tried to make me a one trick pony. They forget that it's my life, not theirs. 

 

Ok, I feel better.

[alphamale]

are you or your family of Asian background?  If so, this is par for the course

[Foxhall]

It can be hard to shake family shackles and find your own path,

some find it earlier than others,

perhaps it is family influences though in some cases who help put a person on the right track,

I do randomly think would I like to be a parent, not getting any younger in terms of that but there might be a possibility of one arriving at some point,

would I be any good at it- I dont know, maybe.

[preraph]

They have their life to live.  They don't get yours too.  It's hard to balance passions with practical work, but when you're young you have the energy to do both.  But that won't last forever, so dig in.  

[hotpotato]

4 hours ago, alphamale said:

are you or your family of Asian background?  If so, this is par for the course

No, I'm black. The only other story I could find kind of like mine was from Indian (from india) families.

 

[hotpotato]

4 hours ago, preraph said:

They have their life to live.  They don't get yours too.  It's hard to balance passions with practical work, but when you're young you have the energy to do both.  But that won't last forever, so dig in.  

I'm trying my best to do what I can. Sometimes I wonder why I bother at my age. I'll always be a shell of what I couldve been. Yet I dont quit. 

 

 

[preraph]

Look at it this way, your twenties are usually a time when no matter what you do you don't really make that much money and you're struggling. Your thirties are when you probably have your best opportunity.

 

I think it's a good idea to find something that only takes a couple of years of school to get you in a decent-paying job, and that might mean it's some sort of trade, whether it's technical like working on security systems or learning to repair medical equipment whether it's cosmetology or hospitality. But there are other ways to find jobs. 

 

You know as an older woman I just think it's a shame in a rip off then jobs that you used to just start and get trained to do for free are now requiring certification and four years of college. It's a total rip-off. You don't have to I have four years of college to do most of those jobs. You just need on-the-job training. But I guess those days are gone.

 

 

 

Edited February 20, 2020 by preraph

[alphamale]

10 hours ago, hotpotato said:

No, I'm black. The only other story I could find kind of like mine was from Indian (from india) families.

 

I am of Indian background hotpotato and I can attest to that

[hotpotato]

2 hours ago, alphamale said:

I am of Indian background hotpotato and I can attest to that

I take it back. There was a case on intervention I could relate to. Her name was Linda. Her fob Chinese parents made her work as a child. Then she grew up to be an actress which her parents were unhappy with. Long story short she feigned an illness to get back at them. Other than that, it's been indian families with issues like mine from what I gather. 

Other than that, many people have the tiger parent and stage moms who push them too hard in their extracurriculars. 

[vla1120]

12 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I'm trying my best to do what I can. Sometimes I wonder why I bother at my age. I'll always be a shell of what I couldve been. Yet I dont quit. 

You are never too old to pursue what you really want in life. Even if you might not "make it" as a break dancer, or whatever, you can do as you wish with your spare time! It sounds like you have a very good handle on what is important to YOU in life. You are independent enough not to depend on your family for financial support, you also do not need their emotional support. I always tell my daughters they can be ANYTHING, do anything they want to be/do in life. I'm now 59 and have some regrets because I spent the majority of my life with my nose to the grindstone at a job I didn't necessarily love, but it supported my family. Oh, to be in my 30's again....the possibilities are ENDLESS. You keep living YOUR life on YOUR terms. Do what makes you happy and you'll be great just the way you are! You don't need anyone else's permission nor approval.🙂

Edited February 20, 2020 by vla1120

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you got that off your chest.  But I am proud of you for taking steps to over come what you felt were handicaps brought about by your family. 

My family pushed academics over sports for me too.  I was allowed to play but didn't get real encouragement.  I grew up being brain washed that sports were not for me.  As an adult I learned that I had some strength & aptitude.  So now I am at least willing to get out there where as before I was bench warmer / spectator at best & felt isolated.  

Similarly I was told I was a bad cook & learning to cook was a waste of time when I should be studying.  I think I was in college when I learned that mashed potatoes were made from actual potatoes rather than salt powder in the boxes.   I tended to date men who were great cooks so my short comings weren't as apparent.  When I got married & now had to cool & meal plan the deficiencies were apparent.  My parents still teased me about my inability to cook.  I took to making jokes about there not being a home ec course in grad school but I started watching the easy cooking shows (Rachel Ray & Semi-Home made) which kind of gave me permission to take short cuts.  I got better because I applied myself to figuring this out.  

I have a friend who has slid to more of an acquaintance at this point who railed & cried that her parents ruined her life because they made her go to law school when she wanted to go to medical school.  In our mid 30s a BF of hers offer to pay for her to take the prep-class for the MCATs & the test itself.  She refused crying that it was too late.  It's 20 years later & she still complains that her parents ruined her life.  That may have been true in her early 20s but she's had plenty of opportunities to make changes but she prefers to complain rather than take responsibility for her own life.  

If you can somehow manage to let go of the past & just focus on the idea that going forward, you are in charge & things will be better you will have surpassed many people who let those early struggles defeat them.  

[hotpotato]

On 2/19/2020 at 10:05 PM, preraph said:

Look at it this way, your twenties are usually a time when no matter what you do you don't really make that much money and you're struggling. Your thirties are when you probably have your best opportunity.

 

I think it's a good idea to find something that only takes a couple of years of school to get you in a decent-paying job, and that might mean it's some sort of trade, whether it's technical like working on security systems or learning to repair medical equipment whether it's cosmetology or hospitality. But there are other ways to find jobs. 

 

You know as an older woman I just think it's a shame in a rip off then jobs that you used to just start and get trained to do for free are now requiring certification and four years of college. It's a total rip-off. You don't have to I have four years of college to do most of those jobs. You just need on-the-job training. But I guess those days are gone.

 

 

 

My best opportunities were in my teens. I went to college bc my family pressured me and wasted even more time. I spent a few more years paying off my loans. My timing is very wrong. If I could go back, I wouldn't have gone to college. I wanted to take gap years, but my family was upset about that. I wish I had asserted myself more. Life is more complicated now than it was in my teens and early 20s. I am glad I paid off my student loans, but I wish i'd been doing then what Im doing now. Honestly, I was very burned out from school. If I had waited 5,10 years to go to college (if I went at all) and save money for it and more importantly know what I wanted to do, I would've been much better off. 

Right now I make decent money. Ive thought about being a personal trainer. There are several ways to get certification. 

The college situation is a shame. I remember at my old job I had a great manager. She had to lie about having a degree to get the job. One day she didn't know how to do something, and they taught her on the spot. To think we would've lost out on a great manager had she not lied about her credentials. I agree, these employers are requiring to degrees when they are not necessary. Also, wages are stagnant. 

[hotpotato]

On 2/20/2020 at 10:56 AM, d0nnivain said:

I'm glad you got that off your chest.  But I am proud of you for taking steps to over come what you felt were handicaps brought about by your family. 

My family pushed academics over sports for me too.  I was allowed to play but didn't get real encouragement.  I grew up being brain washed that sports were not for me.  As an adult I learned that I had some strength & aptitude.  So now I am at least willing to get out there where as before I was bench warmer / spectator at best & felt isolated.  

Similarly I was told I was a bad cook & learning to cook was a waste of time when I should be studying.  I think I was in college when I learned that mashed potatoes were made from actual potatoes rather than salt powder in the boxes.   I tended to date men who were great cooks so my short comings weren't as apparent.  When I got married & now had to cool & meal plan the deficiencies were apparent.  My parents still teased me about my inability to cook.  I took to making jokes about there not being a home ec course in grad school but I started watching the easy cooking shows (Rachel Ray & Semi-Home made) which kind of gave me permission to take short cuts.  I got better because I applied myself to figuring this out.  

I have a friend who has slid to more of an acquaintance at this point who railed & cried that her parents ruined her life because they made her go to law school when she wanted to go to medical school.  In our mid 30s a BF of hers offer to pay for her to take the prep-class for the MCATs & the test itself.  She refused crying that it was too late.  It's 20 years later & she still complains that her parents ruined her life.  That may have been true in her early 20s but she's had plenty of opportunities to make changes but she prefers to complain rather than take responsibility for her own life.  

If you can somehow manage to let go of the past & just focus on the idea that going forward, you are in charge & things will be better you will have surpassed many people who let those early struggles defeat them.  

I"m glad you found your aptitude! 

My family definitely handicapped me. They were too afraid i'd go out into the world and make money in ways they didn't like. They didn't like anything that could take me away from studying. They stifled me and wasted  a lot of my potential. Now I have this big void of 'what if' in my life. Frankly, I didn't need their encouragement. I only needed them to sign the waiver and to pay. In fact, I took a few track classes behind their backs, but that ended when coach needed a guardian to sign the forms. I could join band bc it didn't require parental permission. I would go home and dance. I did dance moves on my own when I should've been getting formal lessons, but that would've taken time away from studying.  I never stopped working out or exercising. They did teach me how to be sneaky and low key rebel. Im glad I did what I could otherwise id be much worse off. 

 

I was never told I was a bad athlete. (Even though my grandma laughed in my face, she also acknowledged that i worked out a lot. She told me to tone it down.) I simply wasn't allowed to practice because it would interfere with their plans for my life. My family were adamant about using the mind instead of the body. In their logic, if you can't do something at age 70, you shouldn't do it at all. If everyone believed that, there would be no bodybuilding, sports, dance, etc etc. I don't think your analogy is similar. In my case, my family prevented me from doing things because they had a script for my life. I don't know if you get how controlling my family is. My mom only half listens because we've been in physical and verbal altercations. You didn't have to sneak around to cook. 

I don't know if I can get past it. Everyday I deal with the consequences. 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, hotpotato said:

I don't know if I can get past it. Everyday I deal with the consequences. 

You can get past it.  You have done things & you continue to do things to get past it.  Keep that up.  

At this point you are the only one who has the ability to change your life.  Go for it!  

[hotpotato]

I thought about it, and in describing my family some things may not make sense. 

My family specifically mom and grandma discouraged me from working out. Yet they also put me down for things I allegedly cant do. They didn't see how or what I was doing when I was working out. Also, they're not athletic people so they think certain things are only attainable by the few. For example, my mom got on to me for liking Dance Moms and taking dance classes. One time I got fed up and dropped into the splits. That shut her up for the day. I feel like they wouldn't let me workout at home let alone take lessons but then essentially put me down bc I didnt make lessons. It is like they have two ideas that are extremely incongruent, but they cant see that. If it seems like how I describe my family doesnt make sense, its bc I doesnt lol. 

 

Also, I get triggered by supportive parents. I'm glad for those kids and teens, but part of me gets mad. Most parents aren't worried about their kids going pro or going to the olympics. I think many just want their kids to have outlets and stay out of trouble. Many parents shell out time and money and plainly see that their kid will not be #1. 

[Els]

I understand resenting your family (mine did plenty of things "wrong" too), but after a certain age, you really can't blame your parents for your life any longer.

[hotpotato]

2 hours ago, Elswyth said:

I understand resenting your family (mine did plenty of things "wrong" too), but after a certain age, you really can't blame your parents for your life any longer.

Yes, I can. They put me at a huge disadvantage. I missed out on experiences and meeting like minded people. Now as an adult everything is more complicated. Taking formal lessons as a minor on your parents dime is much easier than learning new skills as an adult who has to work and pay for your own stuff. I have to live with what ifs.

 

Also, I dont sit around doing nothing. I still work out a lot, I did a fitness contest,i have a fitness camp coming up soon, etc. I didnt listen to them so I'm in great shape, but it's not the same as having formal lessons as a child to increase ones skill set. I'm a shell of what I could have been. 

 

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

Yes, I can. They put me at a huge disadvantage. I missed out on experiences and meeting like minded people. Now as an adult everything is more complicated. Taking formal lessons as a minor on your parents dime is much easier than learning new skills as an adult who has to work and pay for your own stuff. I have to live with what ifs.

I remember having a grumble about something similar to this.  And my friends pointed out to me that heaps of kids don't have parents who can or will pay for or support extra curricular activities in sports or arts.    Carting around this frustration only serves to drag one down.  

As a mother (but certainly not a Tiger mother) I completely understand your parents wanting you to get a proper education rather than modelling.  Most models are done by their early 20's ....and then what???     While I did support my daughter learning Irish Dance and then guitar, hell would have frozen over before I would have agreed to her pursuing arts at the expense of marketable skills.   One of my friends is an actress in her own right.  She was told that she could act, but must also attend university.  She now says the same thing to her daughter when she expressed an interest in acting.

Have you ever stopped to be thankful for the good parts of your childhood?   As in all things, your approach here needs balance or else you'll end up oozing resentfulness and it could put you at a disadvantage socially.

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I remember having a grumble about something similar to this.  And my friends pointed out to me that heaps of kids don't have parents who can or will pay for or support extra curricular activities in sports or arts.    Carting around this frustration only serves to drag one down.  

As a mother (but certainly not a Tiger mother) I completely understand your parents wanting you to get a proper education rather than modelling.  Most models are done by their early 20's ....and then what???     While I did support my daughter learning Irish Dance and then guitar, hell would have frozen over before I would have agreed to her pursuing arts at the expense of marketable skills.   One of my friends is an actress in her own right.  She was told that she could act, but must also attend university.  She now says the same thing to her daughter when she expressed an interest in acting.

Have you ever stopped to be thankful for the good parts of your childhood?   As in all things, your approach here needs balance or else you'll end up oozing resentfulness and it could put you at a disadvantage socially.

One can pursue arts and go to school. Anyway,I hated school and flunked out if college eventually. Id rather have been an b student and had a life and also a less controlling family anyday. Academics are not for everyone. 

I can understand that sometimes parents cant afford things, but that's not the issue. I wasnt allowed run track for the school which is relatively cheap. This is an issue of control. 

They couldve let me join activities under the condition that i kept my grades up, but no they didnt. 

Im not opposed to college for the right people and at the right time. Also, if my family wanted me in college so badly, they should've helped with the cost. My experience soured me to college. Had I come on my own time with cash in hand a plan, that would've been different. Like I said, I'm considering a career in fitness which does not require a degree. I dont agree with having a degree or going to college just because.

 

 

As for modelling, it depends. Some ladies are into their 20s and 30s and modelling. One lady I follow is mid to late 30s and a fitness model. I don't know how that or anything would've worked out for me, but I'm upset at the lack of opportunities. I'm mad at being sheltered and put into a box.

 

If I can be a model, fitness guru, musician, dancer, gymnast etc then let me be that. Dont stand in my way. No parent should hold their child back bc the child might not follow the life script someone else made.

 

 

My childhood was filled with fear. It was a bad time sprinkled with good times. I certainly didnt have the worst childhood, but much of that time was some kind of FIGHT. 

Edited February 23, 2020 by hotpotato

[Cookiesandough]

Sometimes it’s hard, but realize our parents are flawed people with their own feelings and views on the world. Ultimately, it does sound like there was some good intention mixed in there. I’m sorry that you feel that they held you back. I hope you follow your dreams and goals now that you are an adult . 

Edited February 24, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[hotpotato]

14 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Sometimes it’s hard, but realize our parents are flawed people with their own feelings and views on the world. Ultimately, it does sound like there was some good intention mixed in there. I’m sorry that you feel that they held you back. I hope you follow your dreams and goals now that you are an adult . 

Thank you. Admittedly, my life right now is pretty good. I'll have to accept that they are the way they are. Sometimes I still get on to mom. I noticed she doesnt want me to do anything she didnt. They have their own ideas of success which may differ from mine. 

[hotpotato]

I saw my grandma recently, and I'm glad she wasnt talking about college. She thinks it's my calling to be a vet bc I like animals. I like a lot of things. I think she is projecting her dreams into me. 

 

She's not concerned about how I potentially be hurt following her dreams. Once again, she doesnt offer any money. A quick Google search says being a vet nowadays is a risk. The starting salaries can be very low relative to the debt vets often acquire, which can reach $400,000. Imagine being $250k in student loan debt while making $65k per year. 

[basil67]

Why should your grandmother offer you money?

[d0nnivain]

If grandma wanted you to go to vet school & you wanted to maybe you would have some claim to her giving you money but since you aren't going to vet school & you admit your life is good, why is grandma obligated to give you money? 

[justwhoiam]

On 2/19/2020 at 11:04 PM, hotpotato said:

they handicapped me.

You're a healthy young woman who had the chance to study and is now working. You're not handicapped.

On 2/20/2020 at 4:18 AM, hotpotato said:

I'm black.

Don't you think that influenced your mother and grandmother's background? They must have seen lots of kids flunk out of school just like you did, and they did their best for that not to happen. I agree, intellectual jobs are not for everybody, but education will be for the most part an advantage on the job market.

On 2/20/2020 at 5:00 AM, hotpotato said:

I'll always be a shell of what I couldve been.

Now, to balance that out... stop and think - just for a moment - about all the things that could have happened to you, had you just focused on your body (exposure to child harassment, body shaming, permanent injuries, rape, undesired pregnancy(ies). Maybe you think all that is an exaggeration, but since you started exaggerating, I decided to follow your line of thought. Moreover, they used to dope athletes back in the day, and many lost their lives like that. One thing is doing sport activities for fun, socialization and for the harmonious development of the minor, one thing is doing them at high competitive level (which seems to be what you had in mind).

On 2/20/2020 at 5:07 PM, hotpotato said:

many people have the tiger parent and stage moms who push them too hard in their extracurriculars. 

There are children who are pushed to compete and emerge in teams, in very arguable ways, to the point these children end up hating sports. They lose their self-esteem if they don't reach certain levels like their parents hoped. That could have easily happened to me. My sibling (3 year older than me) would compete every week and my father forced me to get into competions too. I was obviously not the same level being younger, I was also a girl not a boy and I had a hard time performing at the level they were expecting. My father started comparing my performance to that of my brother, embarassing me in front of everyone because I was not as good as him. They forced me into that sport for health reasons, but I got to the point that I had to say NO MORE. So I got into another sport where I was doing alright (not too good and not too bad) and my father never even came see me. Thinking of it now, that smelled quite sexist (supporting the boy more than the girl), but sexism wasn't much of a thing then compared to now. Gender roles were a thing you were mainly born with.

On 2/21/2020 at 6:24 PM, hotpotato said:

If I could go back, I wouldn't have gone to college.

You have no idea about the amount of sacrifice that goes into competitive sports. Kids practice for hours every day and hard, pushed to their limits. Maybe the fact that you flunked out of school is no indication of how you would have dealt with sacrifice in another discipline of your liking, but certainly doesn't seem to show you that you wouldn't haven thrown in the towel either. And to give you just more perspective that sometimes teens are very dreamy but not very practical, I also know a girl who was sure all she wanted to do was being a fitness instructor, but then: 1. she doesn't like working with children, 2. she's shy, 3. she doesn't feel like working in direct contact with the general public and 4. she didn't pass the basic tests to get admitted to the fitness instructor course. Though I'm sure there are companies you can pay to get certificated and basically money will get you what you want. But high competence is a different matter.

On 2/23/2020 at 6:17 PM, hotpotato said:

My family specifically mom and grandma discouraged me from working out.

Again, it all depends on what level. Also, minors usually don't attend gyms. I guess women in your family appreciated a natural body more than that of a body builder (which I personally don't like either). But if you think otherwise, at 18, you could have attended a gym. You said you went to college. Weren't you away from your parents? You could have gone whenever. You could have accessed a gym regularly by offering some working hours or helping out with something.

On 2/23/2020 at 9:46 PM, hotpotato said:

Yes, I can. They put me at a huge disadvantage.

That's very unfortunate to say about people who raised you. There are children who are abandoned, they end up in orphanages, or are simply kept in the family because they mean labor.

On 2/24/2020 at 10:20 PM, hotpotato said:

my life right now is pretty good. I'll have to accept that they are the way they are. Sometimes I still get on to mom.

One day your mom won't be around anymore. And you might regret all this hate you have. One day, when you'll be a mom, you'll understand. Don't be too hard on her.