I resent my family....

[justwhoiam]

P.S. Average wage of a fitness instructor is $39,000 a year, a vet's minimum salary is $72,000. Money is not everything, as they say, but for the women in your family your independence matters.

Edited March 5, 2020 by justwhoiam

[alphamale]

2 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

, a vet's minimum salary is $72,000. 

based on what he charges my vet probably makes 10x that

[justwhoiam]

19 minutes ago, alphamale said:

based on what he charges my vet probably makes 10x that

You must live in a very high-class area, as on the internet I've read the median salary is like $93,000 per year.

[RecentChange]

I know many veterinarians. 

It's not a very lucrative profession, and also happens to have a very high suicide rate.

Vets have to go to just as much schooling, and pay the same amounts for their education as human doctors. But their earning potential is much less. 

All that diagnostic equipment requires a huge investment - hence the high cost of veterinary care. I don't know anyone who has gotten "rich" being a veterinarian. 

[hotpotato]

14 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

P.S. Average wage of a fitness instructor is $39,000 a year, a vet's minimum salary is $72,000. Money is not everything, as they say, but for the women in your family your independence matters.

It's their debt to income ratio that's the problem.  I never read nor heard anything about a "minimum salary" for vets. Vets can make as little as $54k but have as much as $400k in debt. The median debt was $160k if I remember correctly with median earnings around $60k. Some vets only make $55k. It makes more financial sense to go ahead and be an Md than to be a vet. 

$39k isn't bad for where I live. 

My dog's vet graduated in the 80s when tuition was much less expensive. 

My family is worried about me getting degrees and making them look good. They always loved to brag on my grades. Going to college when you hate school and have no plan is a waste. It would've been better for them not to pressure me into college esp since I'm a poor candidate anyway. 

At least the fitness instructing I would be more likely to stick with. 

[hotpotato]

23 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

You must live in a very high-class area, as on the internet I've read the median salary is like $93,000 per year.

I see that number now, too. I must've seen some older numbers. Even if median income has increased, the tuition has also increased. 

I'd rather make less money and be happier.

 

Also, the point was that my family picks and chooses according to what they like. They'd never encourage me to be an extra in movies even though I live near the movie industry. They'd never encourage a fitness career bc they dont like that. On top of being college obsessed,they for sure are not trying to help financially. 

[basil67]

Hotpotato, it's unfair to criticise them for not "encouraging" you to be a movie extra.   IF you find jobs here and there, it doesn't have stability nor pay enough to live on.   It could be a handy side gig, but nothing more. 

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Hotpotato, it's unfair to criticise them for not "encouraging" you to be a movie extra.   IF you find jobs here and there, it doesn't have stability nor pay enough to live on.   It could be a handy side gig, but nothing more. 

Actually, some people do quite well as extras. Also, my grandma encouraged one of her other grandkids to go into singing and be in commercials plus got her singing lessons. She heard me singing as a kid, and I got nada as far as lessons. I never encouraged to do anything but be an academic one trick pony.

I don't need their encouragement. The point is they dont encourage me to do things they dont like. If it's a side gig, that's fine, too. I have a day job. 

 

All the working out I do, and they never encourage me to use what I have. It has in fact as I lined out before been a struggle with them not allowing me to do stuff and having to sneak around them. Also, I used to get mail from a modeling agency, and my mom hid it from me bc she didnt want me to model. They live to plan my life around what they want. Even if modeling had been a mistake, it would've been my mistake. 

Edited March 7, 2020 by hotpotato

[basil67]

Quit with the entitled attitude.  Heaps of people don't have parents who actively encourage outcomes....My folks didn't encourage sports, arts or college- but they loved me, fed me and kept a roof over my head.   Carting around all this anger is absolutely pointless.  

Some kids grow up with abuse and all kinds of neglect.  If the worst you've got to complain about is not being encouraged in sports or arts, then you need some perspective in your life.

Edited March 7, 2020 by basil67

[hotpotato]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Quit with the entitled attitude.  Heaps of people don't have parents who actively encourage outcomes....My folks didn't encourage sports, arts or college- but they loved me, fed me and kept a roof over my head.   Carting around all this anger is absolutely pointless.  

Some kids grow up with abuse and all kinds of neglect.  If the worst you've got to complain about is not being encouraged in sports or arts, then you need some perspective in your life.

They did more than just not encourage me, they put me down for being active (still do). They didnt let me do things that were nonacademic that I needed their permission for. They didnt want an active child and treated me like something was wrong with me. My mom made up a story that I would be molested if I ran track. When I wouldnt stop working out, she tried to use drs against me by accusing me of being anorexic at 130lbs. Mom let my brother play sports btw.

From what I see, most people esp white people are fairly supportive. Most people will let their kids take lessons or be active instead of putting them down. 

Many parents put their kids in activities even if they dont go to the olympics or turn pro, which was another one of her excuses. Most white people are pretty open to extracurriculars from what I've seen. I know bc I had to take classes with kids lol.

She still criticizes me sometimes and put me down for taking ballet as an adult, yet I couldn't take it as a kid so idk what she wants. 

 I had the kind of mom who would come and hit me for no reason. I had the kind of mom who was still trying spank me at age 15, and I had to fight her to make it stop. I had a mom who was unstable and needed medication. So, no, she wasnt loving either. She kept me alive so I guess that's something. I grew up in fear. My grandma is lowkey controlling which is why she has an alcoholic murderer for a son. 

 

Like I said before, I dont need their encouragement. I needed them to get out of my way. 

Edited March 7, 2020 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

Just for anyone else who is wondering. No, she was not a good mom. She's critical. She's abusive. She threatened to hit me as an adult (in addition to being abusive to me as a child), but she wont because I will hit her back. 

Despite her putting me down, her and grandma discouraging me, I never stopped working out. I only worked out more, and I'm pretty much an amazon. She wont hit me again unless she wants another smackdown. 

Sometimes she reverts to her old ways, but she's much better medicated and knowing that I fight back. 

So no, no, no, she was not and hasn't been some loving mother of the year. The sports thing is a part of her being controlling. 

[hotpotato]

Oh, yes, and it didnt stop at working out. She also told me I read too much. I flunked out if college in part bc I love to read and learn so much. So that was another monkey wrench in her plans for my life. I never stopped loving books either. 

The only thing she ever encouraged me to do was college. Anything else was met with putdowns and criticism. Anytime I do something she wouldn't do, she gets critical. 

I'm esp mad about the sports bc I lost a lot of formal training. Now I'm having issues that would've been solved long ago had I had formal lessons. Doing things as an adult is expensive and complicated if you can find classes at all. 

Everyday I look in the mirror and wonder what I couldve been had I not been held back. 

Even as mean as Tonya Hardings mom was,she still let Tonya play sports. Her mom still worked her to nurture her daughter's talent. 

She still put me down for being active. I had to call her fat to get her off my case. 

My grandma is critical and controlling but more lowkey and minus the explosive temper. 

So yeah, my mom is generally mean, controlling, and critical. So if anyone else is wondering, my mom was not a warm and loving woman who happened to make a mistake or two. In fact, as a  child I asked her if she really loved me. 

 

 

[hotpotato]

Oh yes, and when I was a kid I was so afraid of her I brought a knife to my room. When I said earlier that I lived my childhood in fear, I wasnt exaggerating or being overly dramatic. 

Of course, people thought something was wrong with me. No one stopped to ask why I was so scared. 

Those days are over since I stood my ground. 

So anyone who think she's was this loving mom who meant well, that's not true. 

[Miss Clavel]

On 2/23/2020 at 3:46 PM, hotpotato said:

Yes, I can. They put me at a huge disadvantage. I missed out on experiences and meeting like minded people. Now as an adult everything is more complicated. Taking formal lessons as a minor on your parents dime is much easier than learning new skills as an adult who has to work and pay for your own stuff. I have to live with what ifs.

 

Also, I dont sit around doing nothing. I still work out a lot, I did a fitness contest,i have a fitness camp coming up soon, etc. I didnt listen to them so I'm in great shape, but it's not the same as having formal lessons as a child to increase ones skill set. I'm a shell of what I could have been. 

 

i put my oldest in dance when she was four years old. she did very well, classically trained ballerina. she was very successful and sought after by choreographers. this lead to classes that lasted almost two hours a day, every day, after school. and four to six hours on saturdays. every week. during the holiday season the rehearsal schedule was grueling. i was involved with both costumes and stage makeup. the shoes alone are over one hundred dollars and only last about ten days.

i busted my butt to pay for this and did without so my daughter could have what she loved. what she was good at, however....

a dancers career is very short. and she tells me that growing up in front of a huge mirror having everyone looking at your body and making comments is well, hell.

after she graduated she had a health concern that required an MRI, of her whole body. aside from what they were looking for, they found that her lower spine is similar to an eighty year olds. she has three dry sockets. at 17.

my sil is a huger runner. she keeps her figure by running miles and miles. every day. now she needs a new knee and a hip and she had to stop running.

the point is. shoulda woulda, coulda. every single one of the activities you want to excel at will wear out your body and your joints.

your brain on the other hand only gets better with use, learning. and knowledge is not something anyone can take from you.

come hell or high water my orphans will graduate from college. just like my nephew did. he wanted to go to culinary school. or become a DJ. my sister refused to pay for cooking school unless he got a bachelors in business. which he did. he's now a DJ full time, he has a degree to fall back on.

stop blaming others. stop looking back, you are not going that way.

good luck.

[hotpotato]

On 3/5/2020 at 3:43 PM, justwhoiam said:

You're a healthy young woman who had the chance to study and is now working. You're not handicapped.

Don't you think that influenced your mother and grandmother's background? They must have seen lots of kids flunk out of school just like you did, and they did their best for that not to happen. I agree, intellectual jobs are not for everybody, but education will be for the most part an advantage on the job market.

Now, to balance that out... stop and think - just for a moment - about all the things that could have happened to you, had you just focused on your body (exposure to child harassment, body shaming, permanent injuries, rape, undesired pregnancy(ies). Maybe you think all that is an exaggeration, but since you started exaggerating, I decided to follow your line of thought. Moreover, they used to dope athletes back in the day, and many lost their lives like that. One thing is doing sport activities for fun, socialization and for the harmonious development of the minor, one thing is doing them at high competitive level (which seems to be what you had in mind).

There are children who are pushed to compete and emerge in teams, in very arguable ways, to the point these children end up hating sports. They lose their self-esteem if they don't reach certain levels like their parents hoped. That could have easily happened to me. My sibling (3 year older than me) would compete every week and my father forced me to get into competions too. I was obviously not the same level being younger, I was also a girl not a boy and I had a hard time performing at the level they were expecting. My father started comparing my performance to that of my brother, embarassing me in front of everyone because I was not as good as him. They forced me into that sport for health reasons, but I got to the point that I had to say NO MORE. So I got into another sport where I was doing alright (not too good and not too bad) and my father never even came see me. Thinking of it now, that smelled quite sexist (supporting the boy more than the girl), but sexism wasn't much of a thing then compared to now. Gender roles were a thing you were mainly born with.

You have no idea about the amount of sacrifice that goes into competitive sports. Kids practice for hours every day and hard, pushed to their limits. Maybe the fact that you flunked out of school is no indication of how you would have dealt with sacrifice in another discipline of your liking, but certainly doesn't seem to show you that you wouldn't haven thrown in the towel either. And to give you just more perspective that sometimes teens are very dreamy but not very practical, I also know a girl who was sure all she wanted to do was being a fitness instructor, but then: 1. she doesn't like working with children, 2. she's shy, 3. she doesn't feel like working in direct contact with the general public and 4. she didn't pass the basic tests to get admitted to the fitness instructor course. Though I'm sure there are companies you can pay to get certificated and basically money will get you what you want. But high competence is a different matter.

Again, it all depends on what level. Also, minors usually don't attend gyms. I guess women in your family appreciated a natural body more than that of a body builder (which I personally don't like either). But if you think otherwise, at 18, you could have attended a gym. You said you went to college. Weren't you away from your parents? You could have gone whenever. You could have accessed a gym regularly by offering some working hours or helping out with something.

That's very unfortunate to say about people who raised you. There are children who are abandoned, they end up in orphanages, or are simply kept in the family because they mean labor.

One day your mom won't be around anymore. And you might regret all this hate you have. One day, when you'll be a mom, you'll understand. Don't be too hard on her.

How did I miss this? 

Yes, my mom did put me at a significant disadvantage. Id certainly say being a one trick pony is being a handicapped. I lost out on a lot of skills and possibly jobs because of my family's stifling ways. For example, I know someone whose daughter already has a job teaching tumbling and she's only 19.

First, im gonna this. I do get completely what I takes to be a competitive athlete. Many practice 30 plus hours a week, 5,6 hours a day, 2 a days. In fact, I sometimes do 5 hour workouts when I can, although sometimes its only 3 hours. Some days may hit 3 hours after I add my classes back into the mix. So no, don't tell me that I don't get what it takes. That's what I've been saying in this thread-since I was already super active, they could've just put me in sports instead of fighting it. Get me some training and let me be myself instead of holding me back. 

I'm willing to take those risks. I totally get that injuries happen and bad things can happen. Id rather try and fail. I don't want to be sheltered.

Id rather have a super pushy tiger parent or stage mom than a stifling, super strict mom. I already get how that's bad and controlling in its own way, as I said before. At least you come out with skills. If you want to go there, my mom was mean, cruel, and critical anyway. I got the meanness along with being sheltered. Please read the other stuff I posted about my mom. I didn't grow up with a nice, kind mother.

I flunked out of college because I hate school. Of course, I didn't do well if I didn't want to be there. Theres a difference between doing something you hate and something you're passionate about.

Like Ive said many times in this thread, even though they discouraged me, I still worked out.  Going to the gym isn't the same as getting formal lessons in dance, gymnastics, or whatever. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have gone to college at least at 18. I let them pressure me to go. I wanted to take time off and find myself. I spent years in school then years being broke from paying off student loans with 0 help from the family. 

Well, idk, I guess I was kept in the house as a punching bag. 

Well, my mom isn't so bad nowadays since I beat her up and she's on meds. See the post above. I may very well take my resentment to the grave, and she earned it. I will never parent like her. She taught me what not to do, and also, I don't want kids. Im not being too hard on a woman who scared me so much that I felt I needed  a knife to protect myself. I don't regret hating a woman who still puts me down as an adult.

 

 

 

[hotpotato]

On 3/9/2020 at 5:58 AM, Miss Clavel said:

i put my oldest in dance when she was four years old. she did very well, classically trained ballerina. she was very successful and sought after by choreographers. this lead to classes that lasted almost two hours a day, every day, after school. and four to six hours on saturdays. every week. during the holiday season the rehearsal schedule was grueling. i was involved with both costumes and stage makeup. the shoes alone are over one hundred dollars and only last about ten days.

i busted my butt to pay for this and did without so my daughter could have what she loved. what she was good at, however....

a dancers career is very short. and she tells me that growing up in front of a huge mirror having everyone looking at your body and making comments is well, hell.

after she graduated she had a health concern that required an MRI, of her whole body. aside from what they were looking for, they found that her lower spine is similar to an eighty year olds. she has three dry sockets. at 17.

my sil is a huger runner. she keeps her figure by running miles and miles. every day. now she needs a new knee and a hip and she had to stop running.

the point is. shoulda woulda, coulda. every single one of the activities you want to excel at will wear out your body and your joints.

your brain on the other hand only gets better with use, learning. and knowledge is not something anyone can take from you.

come hell or high water my orphans will graduate from college. just like my nephew did. he wanted to go to culinary school. or become a DJ. my sister refused to pay for cooking school unless he got a bachelors in business. which he did. he's now a DJ full time, he has a degree to fall back on.

stop blaming others. stop looking back, you are not going that way.

good luck.

I totally get it that injuries happen. I don't know if I would've made it or not. I am mad at the lack of opportunities. To be real, I would never be a pro ballerina. My teacher was not a pro either and has jobs and opportunities.  For all my moms bellyaching about how I wouldn't go pro or gone to the Olympics anyway, one doesn't have to be at that level to gain opportunities.

Also, I'm not opposed to going to college. Like I said before, it probably would've worked better had I taken time off, thought about what I wanted to do, and come back with cash if need be. I'm not in the same situation as your brother. The loans fall completely on me. I have to think about being 10s of thousands of dollars in debt with little or no help. As obsessed as my family was with my going to college, they have offered not a single penny to help. 

I can handle the criticism. I grew up being criticized plus being hit. Im a big girl.

Yes, I understand that it's a risk. I have several injuries including  one that needs surgery. I see my favorite athletes needing surgeries, having bad backs, or some acute injuries. Ive seen the risks and also had first hand experience. 

I can go back to school at any time in my life. I can learn at home. College is about getting that paper which nowadays can cost as much as a new car. As I said before, I actually love to read and learn. I don't need a school for that. That's why I always disliked school. I felt boxed in while I had my own interests. I tested as gifted and was in gifted class when it was available, so no, not liking school doesn't make someone not intelligent. Other than that, school made me very depressed.

Sometimes others deserve the blame. Even my mom can look back and admit she made mistakes, although it took a lot for her to get there including medication.

[hotpotato]

Yes, the fitness instructor thing could fail, but it wont cost me tens of thousands of dollars. Sometimes things dont work out, and we have to go on to the next. 

I dont want to work against what I am. I need to learn to monetize what I like to do. I know a guy who love to powerlift so he started a gym. My pole teacher is doing well, too, so well she doubled her prices. I'm not meant to sit down all day. 

Fyi I look more like the female bodybuilders of the 80s and 90s, not like the ones of today. I did compete a few years ago, and the amateur ladies were already on steroids so that idea got scratched. I could compete again though. 

Yes,I've been going to the gym for years, but I also worked out a lot at home. 

 

Edited March 10, 2020 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

Most american families would love to have an athlete for a child. Most american families are not so obsessed with their kid going to college that they wont let their kid play sports. Also, most parents have enough sense to go ahead and let their very active kids play sports instead of putting them down and causing power struggles. I think most people understand there is a risk to physical activity. Most people dont say," Well, you dont do it at 70, so you shouldnt do it at all! No one would be an athlete if everyone thought like that. 

Sometimes I get triggered hearing about how supportive many parents are. Sometimes their support is beyond what is reasonable, but they still do it bc the child works hard and loves what they do. 

I would never not let me kid do something bc I wasnt do it. Say I had a kid who liked robotics. I wouldn't put them down for it bc I don't do it. I would support them. I wouldn't stop them from doing that bc it might distract them a little and they might make a B. 

[carhill]

Perhaps a cruel irony is I never hated nor resented my family and they're all dead. Perhaps that's instructive. Depression and war survivors (dad, literally) married for life who IMO perfectly balanced support and discipline. When I hear people drone on and on about family stuff that went on literally decades ago I'm so glad I moved to the forest where I don't have to hear it anymore, rather the friendly and peaceful sounds of nature. I swear some humans live to complain and we have so, so much to be thankful for. Those who complain about their living family members, hey they're alive and, without parents, none of us would be. 👍

[hotpotato]

6 minutes ago, carhill said:

Perhaps a cruel irony is I never hated nor resented my family and they're all dead. Perhaps that's instructive. Depression and war survivors (dad, literally) married for life who IMO perfectly balanced support and discipline. When I hear people drone on and on about family stuff that went on literally decades ago I'm so glad I moved to the forest where I don't have to hear it anymore, rather the friendly and peaceful sounds of nature. I swear some humans live to complain and we have so, so much to be thankful for. Those who complain about their living family members, hey they're alive and, without parents, none of us would be. 

 Not all of this is from long ago. She still criticizes and puts me down. Now, she doesnt hit me anymore bc I beat her up plus she's on meds. Her controlling my life and ot allowing me to be myself were nasty cherries on top. 

I'm sure I said before I wanted to get this off my chest. 

If you want a mom, you can have mine. *shrug*

Edited March 10, 2020 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

50 minutes ago, carhill said:

Perhaps a cruel irony is I never hated nor resented my family and they're all dead. Perhaps that's instructive. Depression and war survivors (dad, literally) married for life who IMO perfectly balanced support and discipline. When I hear people drone on and on about family stuff that went on literally decades ago I'm so glad I moved to the forest where I don't have to hear it anymore, rather the friendly and peaceful sounds of nature. I swear some humans live to complain and we have so, so much to be thankful for. Those who complain about their living family members, hey they're alive and, without parents, none of us would be. 👍

I understand that you probably didn't read everything in this thread. Here's an example of the now. She put me down for being 30 and taking ballet classes. At the same time, when I was a child I couldn't do anything sporty. I don't know wtf she expects.  She also was saying lies about my ballet teacher who she has never met. She's still a mean, critical, controlling person.