Confession and confusion

[Blues Drive Monster]

I recently told a friend of mine, one of my best friends actually, that I was in love with her. Or at least that's what I believed at the time...

A bit of context: I've known this girl (let's call her Alice) for over 4 years now. She is part of a group of friends we have. We all started working in the same place at the same time and developed a very fond friendship all together. And although we all have changed jobs and most of us work in different countries now, we all keep in touch almost daily and meet up every time we're back home for vacations and such.

I am the only guy in the group, but I geniunely consider them as some of the best people I've ever met in my life and they hold a very special place in my heart.

Alice was in a very serious relationship for some time when I met her, and during the time we became friends I developed strong feelings for somebody else, even though she ended up rejecting me in the end. She was also a work colleague and sort of part of "the group", so eventually everyone came to know about it.

Anyway, Alice broke up with her fiancé about 9 months ago, and all of a sudden I found that I started developing feelings towards her. I mean, I always liked her, but never really considered her my type and always thought she was going to marry her fiancé. We all did. Yet all of a sudden she became very attractive in my eyes. And even though we live in different countries and see each other a few times a year, I kept thinking about her.

A couple of months ago Alice found a job in another country and she is going to transfer there in June. I've been wanting to leave the country I currently work in for some time now, and got motivated to start searching as well.

And, well, one day I just spilled it for her on WhatsApp. I told her that I was in love with her, and wanted to find a job where she will work so we could stay together. And she took it very, very badly. She told me that I was confused and eventually I would come to my senses. I tried to stand my ground, so we debated about it.

However, after only a couple of days, I realised I had f***ed up. Badly. Very, very badly. I realised that I didn't care about my romantic feelings for her. I realised those feelings were probably all just in my head. But most importantly, I realised I was losing one of my best friends, and that hit me like a rock. Everything from that moment felt very wrong.

Some days later I apologised to her. She was still upset, or should I say, disappointed, and that she couldn't see me the same way anymore since apparently I hadn't seen her in the same way either.

I told her that I wasn't thinking clearly, I was confused, my loneliness probably made me make up things in my mind that in reality were not true. But she was very firm and reluctant in her attitude. She said that whilst she had not lost her respect for me, and that we might still be friends, we would never have the same relationship anymore.

Needless to say, I am devastated. I think human relations are the most important thing that we have, therefore I value those few friendships I have very much. And it completely breaks my heart that I might have ruined the relation with one of my best friends, somebody I respect and appreciate an awful lot, simply because I was a naive fool who didn’t know better.

I just hope that time might heal things bit by bit, but as of right now I feel absolutely terrible. I just wish that I would have come to my senses before screwing everything up.

Edited February 19, 2020 by Blues Drive Monster

[schlumpy]

Nothing to feel bad about. You have feelings for her and took a chance and expressed them before she had a chance to leave your life for good. That she doesn't feel the same is good to know. She might have agreed with you. Instead of pining away for her over the next few years you are free to pursue someone that is interested. This is a good thing for you. 

[vla1120]

You were courageous enough to declare what you believed were your true feelings for her. There is nothing wrong with that. You've let her know that you respect her and do not want to lose her friendship. Just give it some time.  You never know, you might meet someone down the road who is perfect for you who will make you appreciate that you didn't move forward with her.  

[Blues Drive Monster]

I guess what I'm experiencing right now is just confusion on an emotional level. And I've realised that's something I've been dealing with for quite some time.

Initially I was angry that she rejected me, and that she was so shocked and upset at me, when all I did was express my appreciation towards her.

A couple of days later, though, what I felt was exactly what I wrote in my original post. I was devastated at the thought of losing such a good friend.

But right now I just feel absolutely incredulous at my behaviour. When I look back I am shocked at how absurd everything I told her was. I don't love her! I never did. I fancied her, sure. But to be so blunt about something so important towards one of your best friends? It's mind-boggling. I cannot believe I never thought of the consequences of my actions, and I feel nauseous just thinking about it. This is what bothers me the most.

[spiritedaway2003]

5 hours ago, Blues Drive Monster said:

I guess what I'm experiencing right now is just confusion on an emotional level. And I've realised that's something I've been dealing with for quite some time.

Initially I was angry that she rejected me, and that she was so shocked and upset at me, when all I did was express my appreciation towards her.

A couple of days later, though, what I felt was exactly what I wrote in my original post. I was devastated at the thought of losing such a good friend.

But right now I just feel absolutely incredulous at my behaviour. When I look back I am shocked at how absurd everything I told her was. I don't love her! I never did. I fancied her, sure. But to be so blunt about something so important towards one of your best friends? It's mind-boggling. I cannot believe I never thought of the consequences of my actions, and I feel nauseous just thinking about it. This is what bothers me the most.

I think someday, once you give it some time, you won't regret confessing to her.   At least now, you won't ever wonder "could we ever have something?"  Now you know. 

I'm sure the answer hurts and you might very well end up losing this friendship.  Some people can eventually get past it and remain friends, and others can't.  Such is life.

I guess what is confusing to me is that why would you tell her that you were in love with her if you didn't?   Were you at that time?  Did you wanted to be less forward in your declaration? What would you wish you had done differently then?

It's possible that you may lose this friendship, but better this than be "friends" when you had more feelings for her than you care to admit.  You were courageous to confess, so don't beat yourself up over it.

[Blues Drive Monster]

9 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

I think someday, once you give it some time, you won't regret confessing to her.   At least now, you won't ever wonder "could we ever have something?"  Now you know. 

I'm sure the answer hurts and you might very well end up losing this friendship.  Some people can eventually get past it and remain friends, and others can't.  Such is life.

I guess what is confusing to me is that why would you tell her that you were in love with her if you didn't?   Were you at that time?  Did you wanted to be less forward in your declaration? What would you wish you had done differently then?

It's possible that you may lose this friendship, but better this than be "friends" when you had more feelings for her than you care to admit.  You were courageous to confess, so don't beat yourself up over it.

I was not in love with her. That, I am certain of. I fancied her, she's a genuinely nice person, good looking, smart, and I especially like her attitude. But I could say that for many other people. Doesn't mean I have feelings for them.

As I said before, I was just confused. I didn't think clearly and rushed into things. It all seems so unnatural on hindsight now. If life ever had brought us back together at some point, and we started seeing each other more frequently, then maybe I might have had the basis for developing true feelings. But right now, like this? No, just no.

I was wrong in my approach, I was wrong with myself, and I was wrong towards her. And I can't undo that now, and I've got to live with it. But as she said the last time we spoke, life goes on. Hopefully time will bury this incident and we'll continue being friends as always.