Buffalo23 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Hey, My wife and I got married a year ago. We bought a house and have a baby. We agreed to settle down and stay put for a few years. A week ago, my wife got an offer for a dream job. It’s in another city, doesn’t pay well, and is part time right now until probation is over in two months. At that time, they will tell her if she will be hired on permanently. In the meantime, this news and possible change has us thinking. For one, we will sell the house we just bought and lose out on a ton of money. I will have to find a new job (I’m 40, been with my job for 16 years, make a lot of money for our family, and have stability). for now, I’ll finish up my contract and my wife will commute to the new city leaving me home with our baby two days out of the week. I want to encourage my wife’s dreams, but somehow this doesn’t feel right to me. I’m all about taking risks, but with a baby and family to support, that’s more importanr. this year, I had to turn down a dream job because it posed a significant pay cut and would not allow me to support my family well. i guess I’m also hurt because I feel my wife does not give this reality a thought when she accepted her dream job. what would you do? Taking about it just makes us have conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 She needs to commute until the job is permanent. Then, I'd say you look for work and get a permanent job in this new city. After you both have good jobs, put your house on the market. You're probably going to lose out on getting any money from the sale and might actually lose money. Might think about renting it out? I'd do everything in steps. If you don't and something major goes wrong, it's going to stress your marriage out. Then, you're going to be looking at being divorced and possibly paying child support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buffalo23 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 Thanks, I just feel so used sometimes. My hasn’t been able to find any permanent job in our current city. I’ve been paying all the bills and making payments on everything since we got married. I try to encourage my wife to make some initiative, but I feel alone. I’m making all the meals, grocery shopping, budgeting, and now I will be working and coming home to take care of our baby which I enjoy. Still, it feels like a lot not having a partner present. I want to support my wife. I don’t expect her to be a stay at home mom or fulfill gender roles. I just wish I didn’t feel as if I’m doing mostly everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 I hear you. I don't know what your relationship is like with her but juggling a lot can be stressful. Just don't sweat the small stuff and try to enjoy the moment. Communicate with her that you need some help with a soft approach maybe? Years ago, me and my ex wife sold a house to move to another state because she didn't like where we lived. We lost quite a bit of money on that deal. Wasn't a huge deal to me. Anyways, we move....get settled in and 11 months later she leaves me for some guy she knew from high school. We had two kids. Point being you never know what life is going to throw at you. You and your wife just try to keep your marriage at the top of the priority list in regards to your happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 This sounds like an absolute, unmitigated DISASTER. If the dream job doesn't pay well, it isn't much of a dream. And to leave the good employment that you've got and lose a ton of money on your house to follow her non-paying dream? To hell with that. I'll call it what it is - stupid and irresponsible. She's acting like a child. You don't get to "be whatever you want to be" in this life. Reality has to win....bread on the table, gas in the tank, and a roof over your head that you own is not optional. This is a loyalty test for her. She can have the job or her family, not both. Be the man, put your foot down, and tell her that you absolutely cannot support this. Not now, not ever. If she chooses the job over you, find a way for the court to award custody of the child to you, as you can support the child and the flake with the "dream job" can't. I'm very much a feminist, and I do not understand "career women." Actually, I don't understand career people in general. Your job supports your life, not the other way around. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 7 hours ago, Buffalo23 said: l pretty well agree , and it's not sitting with you at all either op that's your gut screaming at you the whole idea is just all wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 12 hours ago, Buffalo23 said: Taking about it just makes us have conflict. This is certainly a major problem right here, you should be able to communicate with your wife. Why does talking about it cause conflict? A married couple with a child should be able to have a rational, adult discussion - even if you disagree - without conflict. Why does the conflict arise? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 The Major makes a valid if brutal point. Responsible partners do not make these type decisions, only those that feel entitled. The focus should be on what makes things better for the marriage and the family. She doesn't feel the same way about the marriage as you do. That bears watching. I hope things work out but try not to put yourself in a position where you are so dependent upon her that you have no options if she doesn't reciprocate your commitment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Did she search that job and went to the Interview behind your back? I am with Major_Merrick, this is totally irresponsible. If the dream job came with a good paycheck and full benefits I'd understand but this? noway! I have been at my job for 17 years and 'love' will not have me jeopardize my financial stability. How far is that city? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Have you both run the numbers? Perhaps when she sees what this part time "dream job" is going to cost your family she will keep looking for something closer. If it was full time & her salary alone could support the family while you were looking for work, that would be one thing but as explained, it would be folly to move. If she really wants to give it a go, can you afford to have her live in the job city & come home on the weekends? this will probably make your child care costs skyrocket so factor that in. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 21 hours ago, major_merrick said: ...If she chooses the job over you, find a way for the court to award custody of the child to you, as you can support the child and the flake with the "dream job" can't. I'm very much a feminist, and I do not understand "career women." Actually, I don't understand career people in general. Your job supports your life, not the other way around. Unfortunately that is not how custody works most places. The primary care giver is given preference and if that person makes less the other pays child support. lets just say when your male the burden of proof is on you that your the primary care giver it’s really about what others see. Sadly when your a male, no one believes you shop, cook, clean, do bed time, etc. and the people who know may never be interviewed by the court, but every teacher and doctor will Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 @SumGuy That is true, unfortunately. But if courts in the OP's area are anything like courts where I live (and where I grew up) you can also bribe your way into the outcome you need, and use other techniques as necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 1 hour ago, major_merrick said: @SumGuy That is true, unfortunately. But if courts in the OP's area are anything like courts where I live (and where I grew up) you can also bribe your way into the outcome you need, and use other techniques as necessary. That's such a sad thing to say Major but I can't discount it. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) @schlumpy It isn't all that sad to me. You use one injustice to counter another, because impartiality is an illusion. Everything in life is war... The OP needs to realize this: What he is engaged in right now is not just about jobs. It is a power struggle. And a marriage won't last long if a woman finds out that she can dominate her partner and get her way in spite of common sense. Not only will the financial result will be disastrous, she will lose her respect for him. And that will cause the marriage to fail more surely than anything else will. Edited February 22, 2020 by major_merrick 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 I'm with the others, this sounds like a highly irresponsible move on her part. IMO, a dream job will enhance your lives and this sounds like the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
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