Updated can I fix my relationship

[daisy1333]

11 hours ago, Ellener said:

You thought you were losing your life, most people would flip out a bit, now the anxiety of losing the next most important thing is freaking you out. Find a therapist or support group and in the meantime start taking care of yourself holistically, which is something you can share with your partner.

You can't control the whole future, you can get a handle on the next few hours or days so you get happy again.

If I lose him I’ll never be happy again. I’ll hate myself forever for ruining the one good thing I had left. I just wish I could get some sense of what he’s feeling and thinking. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, daisy1333 said:

If I lose him I’ll never be happy again. I’ll hate myself forever for ruining the one good thing I had left.

It sounds to me like you need help to recover your sense of perspective.

[daisy1333]

23 minutes ago, Ellener said:

It sounds to me like you need help to recover your sense of perspective.

Without him I don’t see myself having anything. He’s been the only way I got through this disease even with me pushing him away. I’m fine if it takes awhile for us to be normal again. I just can’t lose him forever. He’s all I have left. 

[Ellener]

3 minutes ago, daisy1333 said:

Without him I don’t see myself having anything.

That's a huge responsibility for you to hand someone else for your happiness/wellbeing. 

4 minutes ago, daisy1333 said:

I’m fine if it takes awhile for us to be normal again

Maybe his pulling away is signalling he is not comfortable with 'He’s all I have left.'

 

 

[daisy1333]

6 minutes ago, Ellener said:

That's a huge responsibility for you to hand someone else for your happiness/wellbeing. 

Maybe his pulling away is signalling he is not comfortable with 'He’s all I have left.'

 

 

I haven’t told him this. He doesnt know I feel this way. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, daisy1333 said:

I haven’t told him this. He doesnt know I feel this way. 

You don't have to tell him honey if you're taking pills, crying and not doing usual other things. Sending you a huge hug (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[d0nnivain]

Instead of telling him that he is all you have left, try telling him how much you appreciate his love & support.  You need to turn this around & demonstrate why it is fun for him to stick around.  Everybody's favorite channel is WII-FM  what's in it for me? Show him how staying with you makes his life better. 

Edited January 19, 2020 by d0nnivain

[preraph]

If the crisis has passed, then time to just get back to being a fun and affectionate partner.  Try to just put it behind you.  I'm sure he's just up to here dealing with it too.  So yeah, don't keep talking about it unless he brings it up and has questions, but concentrate on having FUN and being full of life and living life.  

[daisy1333]

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

You don't have to tell him honey if you're taking pills, crying and not doing usual other things. Sending you a huge hug (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

He doesn’t know I’m taking all my sleeping pills again since I usually take them and go to bed. I get up waaaaay earlier than he does so I usually go to the bedroom and cry myself to sleep. He plays video games with his female which I’m fine with. I have to get up at 530 not him so no reason for us to both go to bed super early. 
 

and ty I need all the hugs in the world. 

[daisy1333]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

If the crisis has passed, then time to just get back to being a fun and affectionate partner.  Try to just put it behind you.  I'm sure he's just up to here dealing with it too.  So yeah, don't keep talking about it unless he brings it up and has questions, but concentrate on having FUN and being full of life and living life.  

I’m trying to do that, but he still hasn’t told me he loves me and I need to hear that to know things are ok with us. I haven’t brought it up at all since, but I’m struggling to get through everything I do. I’m glad I’ve hoarded my pto bc I can leave work early once all my stuff is done. I have enough saved that once this ends one way or the other I should still have at least 40 plus hours. 

[preraph]

You really shouldn't have that requirement from him right now before you can be nice to him. Right now he doesn't know how he feels and you need to have some faith and get things back to normal and then maybe he'll come around. Start making demands are whining about he hasn't said he loves you after all this and that is just a bad move.

 

Actions speak louder than words and he's offered his support, so that's love or he would be out the door. Get things back to normal so that all this seems like a bad dream.

Edited January 20, 2020 by preraph

[daisy1333]

54 minutes ago, preraph said:

You really shouldn't have that requirement from him right now before you can be nice to him. Right now he doesn't know how he feels and you need to have some faith and get things back to normal and then maybe he'll come around. Start making demands are whining about he hasn't said he loves you after all this and that is just a bad move.

 

Actions speak louder than words and he's offered his support, so that's love or he would be out the door. Get things back to normal so that all this seems like a bad dream.

I’m being so nice to him. I’m IMO being an amazing girlfriend. I’m just not functioning ok and am only dealing with it through lots of prescription pills that I had managed to stop. 
 

ive only whined about this here and a little to one friend who knows some of the details. I tell him I love him, but I don’t ask him to say it back or let him know it’s killing me when he doesn’t. 

anytime I’m alone all I do is cry. I have to go to the bathroom at work just to cry at least a few times a day. Thankfully my job is my dream job and my boss doesn’t monitor our every movement. As long as we have our work done she’s happy. I’m just not sure if I can go on like this. I know it’s my fault, but if he hates me I wish he would just tell me so I can decide what I’m going to do without him: 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, daisy1333 said:

I haven’t told him this. He doesnt know I feel this way. 

If he knows you well, he knows this without you having to say much of anything at all. He'll be able to read it in your actions. 

And it is indeed a huge responsibility to hand your happiness to someone else. No doubt it will hurt a lot if he does decide it's over for him, and no doubt you will need plenty of time to heal. But to decide you'll never be happy again is a short-sighted, self-fulfilling prophecy. It's also very indicative that you need to regain some balance in your life if you genuinely feel you have nothing else going for you and he's all you have left. That is never healthy, as I am sure you know. 

Years ago now, I went though something vaguely in the same vein with a boyfriend who suddenly didn't know if he wanted to continue the relationship. We'd been living together a couple years at that point, and I was truly surprised to hear it. My situation was different from yours, in that I hadn't suffered an illness or knowingly pushed him away, but I still felt the rug had been pulled out from under me. The resulting emotional limbo over the following couple months was tough on me. We ultimately decided to continue our relationship, but I never felt as secure again. I always felt I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, in the back of my mind. It finally did, about 4 years later. We split for good, and it was then that I realized how unhappy I had been for a long time, not really being convinced that he wanted to be there. My point in telling you this? It hurts when you feel so uncertain, but it can also be very liberating when that lifts and you don't have to wonder all the time if your partner is actually there of his own volition. I've long since moved on, and can see now that our relationship was not meant to last. There are silver linings, when you look for them. 

[daisy1333]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If he knows you well, he knows this without you having to say much of anything at all. He'll be able to read it in your actions. 

And it is indeed a huge responsibility to hand your happiness to someone else. No doubt it will hurt a lot if he does decide it's over for him, and no doubt you will need plenty of time to heal. But to decide you'll never be happy again is a short-sighted, self-fulfilling prophecy. It's also very indicative that you need to regain some balance in your life if you genuinely feel you have nothing else going for you and he's all you have left. That is never healthy, as I am sure you know. There are silver linings, when you look for them. 

Idk why my first reply didn’t post. I’m pretty good at hiding my tears since like I said I go to bed so much earlier, and he’s playing his games with headphones on. So unless he comes into the bedroom he’s not going to hear me. He even wears them when he goes to get food/a beer. He plays with friends and doesn’t want to miss anything they say. 
 

my happiness does depend on him and if we stay together. I’ll let him know that if he decides he doesn’t love me, but for now all I want to do is curl back into my own empty space of loneliness and misery. I don’t know how long I can take this. It’s not like the entire 18 months were me ignoring him. 
 

we still had sex (not as much- more iud related), still talked, still did some stuff together. I was just felt so miserable and alone that I couldn’t be how I was. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just accept it and be like I was. I’ll still never be the same. 
 

but if he really doesn’t love  me why is he planning stuff for March/April. I would think if he was planning to leave he wouldn’t do that and would give me a maybe answer. 

[Ellener]

18 minutes ago, daisy1333 said:

I’ll still never be the same. 

No, you won't, but give it time and some amazing self-care and you will be better than ever I promise. Here's another hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[daisy1333]

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

No, you won't, but give it time and some amazing self-care and you will be better than ever I promise. Here's another hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can assure you if I lose him I’ll have nothing and my life will be over: that’s why not knowing is killing me. I keep telling myself that him still being there and making future plans is a good thing but idk. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, daisy1333 said:

I can assure you if I lose him I’ll have nothing and my life will be over: that’s why not knowing is killing me. I keep telling myself that him still being there and making future plans is a good thing but idk. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. 

Read that back to yourself slowly as if it were someone else.

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, daisy1333 said:

my happiness does depend on him and if we stay together. I’ll let him know that if he decides he doesn’t love me

Honey, this is the heart of it. Don't you see how difficult that is for anyone.

Who else is in your life? Do you have family, friends, a counsellor?

[daisy1333]

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

Read that back to yourself slowly as if it were someone else.

I have read it 1000 times and I know it to be true. He doesn't know I feel this way. And none of my friends know about my disease because I am ashamed about it and I am not close to my family. And yes my happiness does depend on if we stay together. I can barely get out of bed every day. I hate myself more than anything for possibly ruining this and I just want things to be normal again.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, daisy1333 said:

I can assure you if I lose him I’ll have nothing and my life will be over

You won't have a roof over your head? You won't have a job? Your friends will disappear?

How did you get by before you met him?

[daisy1333]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You won't have a roof over your head? You won't have a job? Your friends will disappear?

How did you get by before you met him?

None of that means anything without him. We were supposed to grow old together. I can’t lose him because of this and I wish I knew how long this will take for him to figure out. I don’t care any of that stuff if he’s not in my life. 

[elaine567]

YOU have just got a reprieve, this illness is not going to kill you as you thought and now you are crying your eyes out every day...
Yes your bf saying he doesn't love you was a big deal but you just got your life back.
Go seek help. I have a feeling that this is delayed shock from what you went through with your illness.

[daisy1333]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

YOU have just got a reprieve, this illness is not going to kill you as you thought and now you are crying your eyes out every day...
Yes your bf saying he doesn't love you was a big deal but you just got your life back.
Go seek help. I have a feeling that this is delayed shock from what you went through with your illness.

He said he doesn’t know if he still loves me. And I don’t want my life back if it doesn’t include him. If he knew he didn’t love me he would tell me. He’s not the type to make me suffer like this. And as I’ve said we act 100% the same except for what he said. We have plans for later this year and still do all the normal couple things. That’s why I can’t wrap my head around what he’s thinking. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, daisy1333 said:

None of that means anything without him. We were supposed to grow old together. I can’t lose him because of this and I wish I knew how long this will take for him to figure out. I don’t care any of that stuff if he’s not in my life. 

With kindness and respect, I would strongly encourage  you to seek some professional help. You’re losing all sense of perspective and feeding into the self-destructive narrative that you’re nothing and nobody outside of this relationship. 

It’s understandable that you’re distressed and desperate. But the self-loathing and doomsday rhetoric suggests you could really use the guidance of someone trained in navigating emotional turbulence. Even if things do turn a positive corner in your relationship, the extent to which you have plunked all your happiness directly in someone else’s hands is troubling and will likely come back to bite you at some point. 

[daisy1333]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

With kindness and respect, I would strongly encourage  you to seek some professional help. You’re losing all sense of perspective and feeding into the self-destructive narrative that you’re nothing and nobody outside of this relationship. 

It’s understandable that you’re distressed and desperate. But the self-loathing and doomsday rhetoric suggests you could really use the guidance of someone trained in navigating emotional turbulence. Even if things do turn a positive corner in your relationship, the extent to which you have plunked all your happiness directly in someone else’s hands is troubling and will likely come back to bite you at some point. 

I’m not going to do that. If I lose him I lose everything. No one can say anything to make this pain end except for him. I wish he could decide soon because I can’t take much more of not knowing