Updated can I fix my relationship

[introverted1]

My take is that when someone says they "aren't sure" if they love someone who they previously did know they loved, it's a sign they are no longer in love.

How long ago did your SO make the comment about being unsure of his love and how long have you been attempting to fix things?

[elaine567]

I would let him know asap.
Men like to fix things and by doing this you excluded him from having a say in your care.
So if you cancelled your membership is your condition not as bad as you first imagined?

[daisy1333]

5 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

My take is that when someone says they "aren't sure" if they love someone who they previously did know they loved, it's a sign they are no longer in love.

How long ago did your SO make the comment about being unsure of his love and how long have you been attempting to fix things?

Less than a week ago. So it hasn’t been that long at all 

[daisy1333]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I would let him know asap.
Men like to fix things and by doing this you excluded him from having a say in your care.
So if you cancelled your membership is your condition not as bad as you first imagined?

No it’s not at all. It still stinks big time, but it’s not the nightmare I was told it was the night I was diagnosed. If he seems like he’s in a happy mood tonight I’ll tell him. We still talk and act like everything is the same which is what makes this so weird. But I know he was really unhappy about it. But if he’s in a bad mood I’ll probably wait for a day or so. He hates his job so it basically depends on how work went. He’s home and seems to be in a decent mood, but he’s in the shower and I’m not going to go but him there. 

[introverted1]

45 minutes ago, daisy1333 said:

Less than a week ago. So it hasn’t been that long at all 

I'm lost on the timeline.

You were diagnosed 18 months ago.

You contacted Dignitas 9 months ago.

When did you have the period where you shut out your SO? It sounded like that happened when you were diagnosed but that doesn't make sense as a trigger if he's only been upset for the last week.

Are you saying you shut him out for the 18 months since you were diagnosed and only just in the last week tried to patch things up?

Edited January 9, 2020 by introverted1

[daisy1333]

11 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I'm lost on the timeline.

You were diagnosed 18 months ago.

You contacted Dignitas 9 months ago.

When did you have the period where you shut out your SO? It sounded like that happened when you were diagnosed but that doesn't make sense as a trigger if he's only been upset for the last week.

Are you saying you shut him out for the 18 months since you were diagnosed and only just in the last week tried to patch things up?

Pretty much yes. I didn’t 100% shut him out for the 18 months, but I was miserable and never wanted to go anywhere or do anything because I was convinced of what I read on dr google that first night. I hardly spoke to him about anything and was so full of anger and bitterness the entire time. 

And I contacted them the day I got home. He just found out about 9 months ago. He never let me know it bothered him though. 

I think he had just reached his limit of my anger and bitterness and I’m hoping I apologized early enough before I completely ruined everything. 
 

 

Edited January 9, 2020 by daisy1333

[introverted1]

Ok, so for 18 months you pretty much were unavailable to your SO and only in the last week have you apologised and attempted to set things right.  Is that right?

If so, assuming this can be fixed, it's going to take a long time.  Damage done over an 18-month period isn't going to be undone in a week or two.  Your SO will need to see sustained, consistent, loving behavior from you if there is any hope of him feeling romantic love for you again.

I don't think badgering him or giving him letters will help.  You will need to be patient. Just as patient as he was during the 18 months when he was shut out.

[daisy1333]

5 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Ok, so for 18 months you pretty much were unavailable to your SO and only in the last week have you apologised and attempted to set things right.  Is that right?

If so, assuming this can be fixed, it's going to take a long time.  Damage done over an 18-month period isn't going to be undone in a week or two.  Your SO will need to see sustained, consistent, loving behavior from you if there is any hope of him feeling romantic love for you again.

I don't think badgering him or giving him letters will help.  You will need to be patient. Just as patient as he was during the 18 months when he was shut out.

That’s what I’m trying to do. It’s just very hard. I only wrote him a letter I never gave it to him and I’m not pressuring him about “us”. I do talk to him like things are normal since we have our entire lives mixed together. I’m definitely trying to give him space, but I don’t want to give him to much and make it seem like I’m still shutting him out. I need to find a balance somehow 

[Mr. Lucky]

9 hours ago, daisy1333 said:

I need to find a balance somehow 

d0nnivain is right, you're over-thinking this.  A relationship involves two people, one person can't fix it on their own.

Just model the behavior you'd hope to see from him and quit with the daily "where are we" analysis...

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

He put up with you being absent & upset for 18 months.  Every day you were like that killed him a little bit & probably did a lot to diminish his feelings.  A week ago he actually expressed the doubts he's developed about the two of you because he's been shut out of your life for so long.  Now you are in full on panic mode & think a bunch of apologetic words can undo a year & a half of emotional damage.  

It doesn't work that way. 

But what I said to you in the beginning is true:  kill him with love, affection & kindness.  Stop talking about your relationship.  Seriously just shut up.   Instead pour all your efforts into actions:  make his favorite meal; hide a note in his sock drawer; sext him at least once per week; dress nice when he gets home; give him a back rub especially if he had a bad day at a job he doesn't like.   Treat him like a new BF & shower him with flirting.  Give him lots of sex; do those things / positions that aren't your favorite.  At the risk of being crass if you stop talking to him & use your mouth for better things 😉 you will make more progress toward healing with a great BJ then a month of Sunday conversations.  He needs to be shown & reassured that you still love him.  He backed off because he was being shut out by you.  Your behavior drove him to this so you behavior has to fix it.  I understand why you retreated into yourself.  That diagnosis was earth shattering.   But understand he loved you & wanted to help.  When he could fix you, comfort you or even reach you he felt emasculated & helpless.  

Now you have to stop trying to talk to him & start showing him how much you love & need him.  If you go back to a place where your romance worked & you behave like it's all good, in time it will be.  

Men understand & respond to action.  You may need to talk but it's the last thing he wants, especially ad nauseum.  

[daisy1333]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

He put up with you being absent & upset for 18 months.  Every day you were like that killed him a little bit & probably did a lot to diminish his feelings.  A week ago he actually expressed the doubts he's developed about the two of you because he's been shut out of your life for so long.  Now you are in full on panic mode & think a bunch of apologetic words can undo a year & a half of emotional damage.  

It doesn't work that way. 

But what I said to you in the beginning is true:  kill him with love, affection & kindness.  Stop talking about your relationship.  Seriously just shut up.   Instead pour all your efforts into actions:  make his favorite meal; hide a note in his sock drawer; sext him at least once per week; dress nice when he gets home; give him a back rub especially if he had a bad day at a job he doesn't like.   Treat him like a new BF & shower him with flirting.  Give him lots of sex; do those things / positions that aren't your favorite.  At the risk of being crass if you stop talking to him & use your mouth for better things 😉 you will make more progress toward healing with a great BJ then a month of Sunday conversations.  He needs to be shown & reassured that you still love him.  He backed off because he was being shut out by you.  Your behavior drove him to this so you behavior has to fix it.  I understand why you retreated into yourself.  That diagnosis was earth shattering.   But understand he loved you & wanted to help.  When he could fix you, comfort you or even reach you he felt emasculated & helpless.  

Now you have to stop trying to talk to him & start showing him how much you love & need him.  If you go back to a place where your romance worked & you behave like it's all good, in time it will be.  

Men understand & respond to action.  You may need to talk but it's the last thing he wants, especially ad nauseum.  

He expressed the doubt when I apologized to him for how I had been acting and told him I wanted things to be different. I have been doing everything I know he wishes I would do more of. I cleaned our apartment top to bottom since I know he hates it being dirty. I bought him his favorite snack food and beer the other day because he had a bad day at work. I basically want to have sex with him anytime he is in the mood now. I don't know what else I can do and just want some way of knowing this isn't a hopeless cause and I know I can't get that from him right now. But I would think if it was 100% hopeless he would have left already. IDK... I am hoping he is really hurt and it is just going to take time for him to forgive me.

The only thing is it OK for me to tell him I love him? I don't know if that is going to bother him or if that is still something I should be doing or if I should wait until he decides what he wants.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, by all means tell him you love him!  He needs to hear that.  He's been doubting & wondering & being scared too.  

It's not hopeless.  It's just not going to be fixed by talking about it. 

[daisy1333]

18 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes, by all means tell him you love him!  He needs to hear that.  He's been doubting & wondering & being scared too.  

It's not hopeless.  It's just not going to be fixed by talking about it. 

It defiantly feels hopeless sometimes. I know I should stop reading into every little thing , but I am in my own head analyzing every little thing he does. Like last night we went out and had a nice dinner and had sex when we got home. I know that doesn't mean he has decided one way or the other, but I keep telling myself that if he had decided for sure he no longer loved me he would tell me and wouldn't keep me wondering.

Also I don't think we would be making plans for my birthday if he was 100% done. It is only 2 months away , but still the fact that we have plans made give me a little hope that things are going to improve. I know this is my fault and I wish I could take it back. I just went from thinking I had everything to live for to thinking I was going to be dead or a paralyzed blind dementia patient within a month. This diagnosis came out of nowhere and it changed me completely.  I would give anything to take back how I treated him , but now I just have to hope its not to late.

I am just going to act like everything is normal and fine between us until I findout one way or the other I guess. It is just really hard to not know.

[usa1ah]

On 1/8/2020 at 5:29 PM, fishlips said:

People should love each other for better or worse, and it sound like he couldn't handle the "worse" part.

I think it's rather s***ty of him to tell you he's not sure he loves you after you got sick. I realize you were mean to him for a while, but you sort of had an excuse. 

I think you need to determine if he's just scared because of your illness, or he wants out because of it. I know it's hard, but you need to know the truth.

I guess you missed the part where op was very s***ty to him. 

[usa1ah]

On 1/8/2020 at 6:52 PM, daisy1333 said:

But the thing is while I have this Illness it’s still 100% stable and nothing at all has changed. Before this issue with him  I was working 2 jobs 60 hours a week. Now I’m a wreck and blowing through my pto I’ve saved. 
 

he’s been such a strong supporter. He changed his eating habits and is cooking for us (still is), is supporting me with a potential career goal, got super mad when he found out I signed up for something in Switzerland. He just doesn’t seem like the type who would leave over this unless it was right away. He even helped me put in plastic retainers on my 18 piercings twice and that’s not something I see him doing it he had one foot out the door. 
 

im pretty sure I just messed things up and need to find a way to fix it. 

How did you mess things up?

 

what did you do?

[ExpatInItaly]

He doesn't know if he is 100% done either, OP. 

I know this is very hard for you, because you are searching for reassurance. He can't give you that right now because he also doesn't know if things will come back together. However, he is still trying if he is still there. Might he realize in a few weeks or months that it can't be repaired? Yes, he might. That's a risk you will have to take if you want to work on this rather than calling it quits now. 

The next little while will be tough. There is no way around that. However, as many here have already said, all you can do is show him you want to make it right. He's been showing you for the past 18  months that he was trying; it's your turn now. 

[daisy1333]

4 hours ago, usa1ah said:

How did you mess things up?

 

what did you do?

I retreated into myself because I wanted to die and didn't think I deserved him and thought he deserved better than me. I regret it now, but it is hard to explain what I felt unless you go through it yourself.

[daisy1333]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He doesn't know if he is 100% done either, OP. 

I know this is very hard for you, because you are searching for reassurance. He can't give you that right now because he also doesn't know if things will come back together. However, he is still trying if he is still there. Might he realize in a few weeks or months that it can't be repaired? Yes, he might. That's a risk you will have to take if you want to work on this rather than calling it quits now. 

The next little while will be tough. There is no way around that. However, as many here have already said, all you can do is show him you want to make it right. He's been showing you for the past 18  months that he was trying; it's your turn now. 

I am trying as hard as I can. My anxiety over this is just getting so bad I can barely sleep or eat and I don;t know how to fix that. I keep telling myself he would be gone if he was 100% sure but it is hard. He acts like everything is normal, only difference is he doesn't tell me he loves me right now. I just need to find a way to get through however long this takes.

[usa1ah]

5 hours ago, daisy1333 said:

I retreated into myself because I wanted to die and didn't think I deserved him and thought he deserved better than me. I regret it now, but it is hard to explain what I felt unless you go through it yourself.

I understand. So sorry this has happened. Just breathe and let things continue as is. He is still reeling from this himself. 
 

Do not pull away and give him space. Show your love now and see what happens. 
 

 

[daisy1333]

On 1/11/2020 at 9:54 PM, usa1ah said:

I understand. So sorry this has happened. Just breathe and let things continue as is. He is still reeling from this himself. 
 

Do not pull away and give him space. Show your love now and see what happens. 
 

 

I am trying my best to do that. It is so hard for me to get through a day without breaking down into a crying mess. I am trying to hard to show him how much he means to me. I know what I did was wrong and I am really hoping I didn't destroy the one good thing I have left in my life. What is so weird is that besides him saying what he said we basically act like everything is normal. I keep telling myself that is a small good sign. I just hope I am not reading to much into that, but this is not something I have ever been though before so IDK.

[usa1ah]

I think it is a great sign. 
 

you need to breathe and not over think the situation. 

[daisy1333]

On 1/15/2020 at 7:23 AM, usa1ah said:

I think it is a great sign. 
 

you need to breathe and not over think the situation. 

That’s my problem. All I do is think about this. I even dream about it. I’ve slept 6 hours in the past 2 days and have started taking all the sleeping pills I was able to stop. I didn’t get off my couch or stop crying today. Except to go to the store for dog food and food for dinner tomorrow. 
 

We made plans for March for something so again a small good sign bc he could always be acting like everything is normal and decide it’s not. But I don’t think he’s the type who would do that. He’s the type that would say we’ll talk about it later. 

[Ellener]

On 1/9/2020 at 7:33 AM, d0nnivain said:

If you go back to a place where your romance worked & you behave like it's all good, in time it will be.  

Men understand & respond to action.  You may need to talk but it's the last thing he wants, especially ad nauseum.

Sweetie you went through a lot and it's you you can fully heal now. Journal, therapy, self-care etc. Crying on the couch all day, sleeping pills etc...you may need some counselling. Or just be determined to go for a walk, meditate, do something positive and uplifing each time you feel like this. When he sees you are okay again he'll relax again.

 

[daisy1333]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

Sweetie you went through a lot and it's you you can fully heal now. Journal, therapy, self-care etc. Crying on the couch all day, sleeping pills etc...you may need some counselling. Or just be determined to go for a walk, meditate, do something positive and uplifing each time you feel like this. When he sees you are okay again he'll relax again.

 

The thing is I was starting to get ok with this, but now thinking I might lose the most important thing in my life because of this kills me. 

[Ellener]

14 minutes ago, daisy1333 said:

The thing is I was starting to get ok with this, but now thinking I might lose the most important thing in my life because of this kills me. 

You thought you were losing your life, most people would flip out a bit, now the anxiety of losing the next most important thing is freaking you out. Find a therapist or support group and in the meantime start taking care of yourself holistically, which is something you can share with your partner.

You can't control the whole future, you can get a handle on the next few hours or days so you get happy again.